Dude Looks Like a Lady

“But guys… I’ve killed off my marriage already. I can’t take care of myself, let alone four other people. I mean I stick forks in toasters for fucks sake!! I have neurotic habits about how clean the shower has to be, and how clean I have to be. It borders on OCD! I love cooking, but I have a strange taste so all my meals come out funny. Proof? I drink main course wine with deserts because it’s nice!! I’m giving up on my husband before I’ve known him a day! I live in a complete mess – I cannot tidy up. It’s like some allergic reaction. Although my rooms have to be spotless. I can’t live without animals; I was brought up on a farm. It’s natural for me to have hypothermic lambs in my bed! Infact I’d prefer it to my husband. Although I know I love him and I want nothing more than to be his love. I’m giving him to his Alicia without a fucking fight. Because I know I won’t win. I’m a defeatist, pessimistic rocker that’s consented to a fucking arranged marriage to a man she knows less than two shits about!”

The guys have all retreated to the other side of the bus, apart from Jeph who’s creeping slowly closer to give me a hug.

“So? You can learn here with us. It’ll all be fine. He’s an ass if he can’t see how amazing you are. Everyone has their flaws. I didn’t even know about different sorts of wine.” He mumbles softly into my hair.

Bert comes over too and hugs me. “Tours are learning curves. You’ll come out of this tour with some parts of you changed. And other parts of you still the same.” He tells
me gently.

“The last tour I went on, I got kicked off after the third show.” I tell him. “I was touring with The Pussy Cat Dollz and I hated it. Every day it was like a mega bitch fest. I pulled all sorts of pranks on the girls. Like draining all the water from the tank of water on their bus and replacing it with concentrated apple juice. And I made my own beauty products for them. It was such fun. Unfortunately I didn’t care if they found out it was me or not. So I got kicked off. Reprise won’t let me tour with them again.” Quinn, Bert, Jeph and Dan all burst out laughing pull me over to the sofa to talk to me.

“I think what Bert meant was that you’d be more ready to fight for Mikey after the tour. And that you’d be more tolerant of mess and uncleanliness. But you’ll still be kinda OCD about your cleanliness. You’ll probably also be better about cooking nice meals. Although we don’t drink wine like you did.” Quinn tells me.

“If I’m truthful I prefer a pint and a curry for supper than some fancy six course thing with portions the size of a pea.” I tell them, blushing.

They look at me and shriek with laughter, “Mikey doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” Quinn tells me, “Once he does know you’ll be attached at the hip to him.”

“Why?”

“He likes ‘proper women’.” I raise an eyebrow, “A woman who’s not all delicacy and ‘oh save me someone’”. Quinn expands.

I laugh at the thought of Mikey and a die – away – woman. “That would be funny.” I tell them. “Mikey came across as a man who doesn’t like to be messed with, although he’ll always be perfectly nice.” I think back to what happened in the car. I wasn’t forced into anything. “He always has perfect control of his emotions.” I thought back to the previous night.

“Stop.” I command, wriggling on top of him. He looks at me slightly shocked. I press my hands onto his chest. “Stop.” I repeat, slightly louder. I press my palms further down onto him, with more firmness. “Stop.” He pulls his fingers from me…
Bert prods me gently, to get me to talk some more. He was like a little child. A boy who’d grown physically and possibly mentally but never emotionally. He’d found all sorts of things to play with and got burnt, and now he seemed like he did need a mother, at all times too. I smiled and caressed his face with my hand on impulse.

“You’re just like a little boy, Bert.” I tell him gently. “I’m surprised you don’t have a hoard of mothers just begging to come and mother you.” He grins boyishly.

“Reprise don’t trust us. We play hard.” He tells me.

“Oh really?”

He nods. “Yeah. We like to party. Although never to excess.” He tells me seriously,
making me giggle at him.

“Uhuh.” I tell him, not really believing him, “I saw the SURS where you had two buses.” He pouts.

“That was then. I’m sober now. So is everyone else.” I raise an eyebrow, “Well. I’m sober.”

I laugh and hug him, “You’re great.” I tell him. I lean back in and sniff the crook of his neck, “And you’re clean.”

This makes everyone else burst out laughing. “Care to sniff everyone else?” Bert asks.

“Uhm… Alright. Yeah. I will.” I bounce off them and sniff Quinn. “Hmmm. You don’t smell too bad.”

“I haven’t showered yet!” He squawks.

“Then go do so.” I tell him, shoving him in the direction of the shower. I lean into to Jeph and have a good sniff, “Ooo. You’re a clean bunny, aren’t ya?” I tell him laughing.

He laughs too, “Yeah. I am.”

I move towards Dan and he shrinks back, “I haven’t showered yet!” He tells me, flinging his hands up.

“Then go share Quinn’s shower.” Jeph tells him. Bert and I shriek with laughter and Quinn sticks his head round the door.

“Much as I love Dan he can stay the fuck away from my shower!” This makes Bert and I laugh more.

Dan pouts and moves towards the door trying to look uber sexy, but Quinn shrieks and locks the door. I collapse on the sofa, unable to breathe and Jeph smacks my back. Shocking me into breathing.

Bert quickly looses interest and turns on the TV, he switches it over to FUSE and we sit there through some shitty commercials in which Jeph and I have a pillow fight before ending up with Bert banishing us to separate corners of the lounge area and Dan serenading Quinn in the shower. Which Jeph records and uploads onto their MySpace page.

Eventually the commercials finish and it’s Daily Download. Bert and I squeal and move closer to the centre of the screen.

“Ok, so today we’ve left the studio!” Steven tells the camera, “We are, at the moment, in New Jersey. Outside the house of Mikey Way, bassist of My Chemical Romance.”

I groan and move to retreat backwards but Bert is sitting on my left and Jeph on my right. I roll my eyes and reach to grab a magazine but they stop me,

“It’ll be about his recent marriage. It’s all over everywhere.” Jeph tells me. I roll my eyes and bury my head in his shoulder.

“Kill me.” I mumble.

“No.”

I look up and Steven’s knocking on the door. Mikey answers it with a lop sided grin.
“Hey, come on in.” There’s a tone to Mikey’s voice that shouldn’t be there and captures my attention. I sit up frowning. Mikey leads him to the sofa, which still looks like someone slept on it last night even though it had been some time and the linen had been removed. “Take a seat. Can I get you anything?” Mikey asks, being polite but seeming a little depressed.

“How about we go into the kitchen?” Steven asks, “It looks like you slept on here last night.”

Mikey colours, “That was my wife, I think. Could have been Frankie.”

“He’s a fucking awful liar” I mumble to Jeph. Jeph nods quietly next to me.

“How is your wife?” Steven asks, as Mikey makes coffee.

“She’s on tour with The Used at the moment.” There’s a pause, and Mikey’s back to the camera, “How’d you like your coffee?” Mikey asks, his voice slightly strangled.
I hiss and reach for my phone in my back pocket. I open it up and dial the ‘home’ number instilled in its memory.