Dude Looks Like a Lady

The reporter leaves us and I slide from Mikey’s lap. I grab the picture which she’d left and look at it again.

“What’s with the sex hair, Mikey?” He looks at the picture and blushes. “I like the way you don’t state who your one and only love is.” I get up and turn to leave, “I am gonna quite sound teching and I am gonna follow you round the world, but I am gonna have some fun with my body.”

He looks at me and I can see his gaze run over my pierced nose, pierced ears and I stick my tongue out so he can gaze at my pierced tongue, and ringed fingers. I was wearing the simple engagement ring I was given; a gold band with a simple pearl in it. And my wedding ring – a simple gold band. I wore them all the time, but it occurred to me that Mikey got neither of the rings – he didn’t even know me.

“What fun do you mean?”

“Well – I really want some tatts. You know the logo that The Used had for “In Love and Death” I want that over my heart. I want my logo on my ass.”

“What is your logo?”

“A heart that has been patched with strips of tape.”

“That sounds cool.”

I nod. “You don’t like my piercings do you?”

“I don’t have a problem with them.”

“What would you do if I got dreadlocks? And died them baby pink and baby blue?”

“Sounds good.”

I look at him closely. “You don’t care because you have Alicia.” I state. Not a question. He looks nettled, “Just remember what I said, Mikey. I’m here to stay and I love you.” With that I turn on my heal and head from the bar.

I wake the next morning and access the internet. I was searching for good tattoo parlours and hair salons. I was going to have my hair done first and then my tattoos. I wrote down the addresses of one hair salon and one body art parlour. I was nervous but excited. I giggled as I thought of my chosen clothes for today. My ever ready docs, the low slung, tight fitting black drain pipes and a red off the shoulder top. I had my hair pulled off my face and thanked heaven for helping me to decide to grow my hair in a sheet down my back. Even though it was curly.

I wrote a note for The Used, explaining that I was having my hair styled and possibly some body art done. I had my phone on me and a watch. I knew Frank was in town, and he would be more than happy to come with me and hold my hand. Then my mind flitted back to last night.

I’m here to stay and I love you.

I left to give him time to think about that, and so when The Used came back after partying too hard I’d be there to sort it all out. Maybe I’d give Mikey and ring and see how he’s doing at half nine this fine summer’s morning. I fished for my phone in jacket and pulled it out. I speed dialled 1 (the home phone) and waited.

After about ten rings a woman picked up. I frowned.

“Hello.” Came her voice.

“Hi. Is this Mikey Way’s house?”

I heard whispering going on in the background and suddenly Mikey’s voice came down the phone, “Hello?”

“Hi darling, this is Lou. Your wife.” I paused, “I was just wondering how you’d slept? And if you were alright?”

I could feel Mikey pale down the line. “I slept ok, I guess. I’m a little hung over – I drank too much last night. Avenged Sevenfold really do party.”

I smirk, “Yeah, I assume they do. I’m sorry I left so early, I just wanted to make sure that the bus was ready for The Used. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Do you want to me get a taxi over and help out?”

“NO!” He shouted, “I’ll be fine.” He paused, “Why are you being all cutesy?”

“Do you remember any part of last night? The bit where we made up after our little argument on our first night? And the interview? Where I said, I’m here to stay and I love you?”

“Yes, vaguely.”

“Well, baby, it’s true. But, I’ve got to go – I’m outside the hair dressers. I’ll phone you later, ok? I love you, and I’m here to stay.” I rung off and entered the hair dressers, giggling.

The girl behind the desk raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

“Sure. Can I just turn up for a style?”

She nodded, “Yeah. What do you want done?”

“I’d love to have dreadlocks and have my hair died baby pink and baby blue.”

“Umm, ok. If you want to leave your jacket on the stand and follow me.” I did as I
was told and I was left in the care of a very camp bloke called Alexis.

He went into raptures over my natural russetty hair colour and my waves, ringlets and curls. I rolled my eyes and instructed him in what I wanted done. His face crumpled in pain but he did it anyway. I smiled. It took hours. But when it was done, it was fantastic. I hugged the bloke and slipped him a twenty for being so nice to me. I paid the massive bill and went down the street to the tattoo parlour. I was grinning as I entered – with my new hair I felt invincible. To be truthful I loved my hair so much because everyone was so busy gawping at my hair, no - one saw me. No – one saw the scraggy, scrawny girl they just saw a mass of baby pink and baby blue dreads surrounding a pierced face with pansy brown eyes that were coated in dark black kohl. It was great.

The tattoos were so fucking painful, but they gave me a stress ball to kill. Which I did. It had been a stress ball in the shape of a penis and testicles – by the time my two tatts were over it was in pieces all over the floor. I apologised for it and added the price of the stress ball to the price of the tatts. I was very pleased with the way I’d decorated my body. I felt very confident and happy in myself. Now I just had to find a taxi to take me to Mikey’s…

I hailed one of the famous yellow New York cabs and gave him the address. It took us just under an hour, in which I discussed with the taxi driver the best way to commit the perfect murder. He was glad to get rid of me at the end of the drive.
I sauntered up the front path and knocked on the front door. I was grinning happily and leaning against the door.

Mikey’s car was in the garage so unless he was out walking somewhere he should be in. I waited for ten minutes before trying the door. It was open.
I shrugged (painfully) and entered the house. I could hear the sounds of people upstairs so I followed them. I stripped off my jacket and hung it up on the stand, with my Doc’s just beneath it. As I reached Mikey’s door I could hear his giggle. I knocked on his door and entered to see him chasing some girl round his room giggling. Both were naked.

I raised an eyebrow. “How’s the hang over, babe?” I asked, pleasantly. I passed the girl her underwear and Mikey his, I moved to sit on the bed. I watched them dress, confused. “I’m really sorry for interrupting – I’ve just realised it was really rude of me. Do, please, forgive me.” The girl blushes as she catches the rings on my marriage finger, and Mikey looks ready to sink into the ground. I extend my right hand to the girl, “I’m Lou. As you’ve seen I’m married to Mikey.”

The girl blushes and shakes my head, “Alicia.”

I nod, “I thought as much. Shall we go and have some coffee downstairs?” I suggest heading out of the door, my shirt riding up to show off my new tatt. I enter the kitchen and put the coffee machine on, gently humming Cut Up Angels. Alicia enters shyly and sits at the bar with Mikey opposite her. Alicia’s hands are on the table, as are Mikey’s. “Please – if you want to hold hands do so. Don’t let me stop you.” Alicia’s hands slide slowly to Mikey’s. Which move swiftly into his lap. Alicia looks upset and Mikey looks embarrassed. Good.