My Dull Depressing Life

Ok so I meet Graden the last week of my Junior year, but he’s more a part of my life in my senior year so I took the rest of the paragraph originally introducing him and put it here in with my summer 2007 up until Graduation in May 2008… Hope that clears up any confusion.
After maybe a week Graden told me he loved me. I believed him. And I loved him. I told him so. We talked every night and most of the day for the first several months. First time he called me I couldn’t hear him. I assumed my cell had bad signal, so I told him to call back on my home phone. He did. I apologize for my cell phone’s bad signal. He laughed nervously and said the reason I couldn’t hear him wasn’t because of my cell, but because he was too shy when he heard my voice because my voice was too beautiful. I remember smiling and blushing. He was so sweet and charming. At least he started out that way… We were texting all the time, when we weren’t talking or texting I was thinking about him, missing him or talking about him. We talked about everything. I told him things I didn’t even tell my best friends. My best friends were SO sick of hearing about him after a week. Anyway after about 3 days we were both on summer vacation. We were practically glued to our phones all summer. We both had our phones ripped from us for a week apiece. Two separate weeks we had to part with our phones. He had football camp and I had bible camp. Anyway afterwards we were back to normal constantly on the phone to one another, or texting. I went to stay with my aunt and one of my cousins tried to steal him from me. Yes this cousin would be Linda. Linda caused problems between Graden and I. I loved Graden so much. I still do, but eventually the summer ended and so did Graden’s interest in me. As our senior year progressed he grew colder and more distant. His love for me faded. As if it had never been. We had talked about getting married and now he wouldn’t even speak to me. I would’ve done anything for him and now he wouldn’t even answer my phone calls! We had phone sex. I’d never done that before, but I did it for him. I loved him. I dreamt of him by my side, in my bed, forever in my life. I wanted him, I needed him, I loved him, I adored him. In October I think it was. I called him to try yet again to talk to him. His sister answered and said He was out on a date with me. I was furious I assumed he was cheating on me… I mean wouldn’t you have? So I called Delilah sobbing I told her Graden was cheating on me. She called him and cussed him out for cheating on me. Then she called me and told me to call and dump him. I called and he answered. He sounded so hurt… So pitiful. I loved him still and I just couldn’t dump him without giving him a chance to explain. He told me it was all a lie. His sister was just trying to get him in trouble. I believed him and gave him another chance. I think that was the last time I ever spoke to him.
When I needed him most Graden had disappeared on me. Just like everyone else in my life had. My mother was worse than ever before, had me convinced I was crazy. I needed someone. And the someone I needed, I wanted, was Graden, but he was nowhere to be found. He had forgotten me it seemed. I loved him and he too had forgotten me. I can’t help but wonder ‘Will everyone I care about forget me? Will they all turn their backs on me? Betray me? Despise and hate me? One day will it be too much? Will it overwhelm and kill me? Or will one of my loved ones kill me so I don’t have to?’ Graden and I still haven’t spoken. It’s been over a year. I finally wised up in December and dumped him… I had to do it in a letter. I kept trying to get a hold of him even after that. In February, I believe it was my birthday, I called again. His brother Craig answered. I asked for Graden, he said hold on. I heard him try to give Graden the phone, but then he came back on. He asked who I was. I told him. I heard him again try to give Graden the phone. Apparently Graden didn’t want to talk to me, because Craig came back on and said sadly that he couldn’t find Graden. I thanked him and accepted the lie both of us knowing the other knew it was a lie. Then I hung up and cried, the man I loved had just rejected me again.
Not long after that I became suicidal again. The problem was I couldn’t think of a way that wouldn’t be messy or make me a bad role model. I had Richie and Emma to think of. How could I tell them it was okay to hurt yourself? I loved them. I couldn’t let them think suicide was a good idea. I didn’t know what to do. Again I turned to the chat rooms this time not for friendship, not for love, only for comfort. I wanted to feel… Something… Wanted I guess. I wanted someone to say you are special and someone does love you. I didn’t want to be alone. Eventually I started having chat sex. I began to touch myself when I did. It felt… Good, but I felt so… Dirty… I knew what to say from reading books… I had a large collection of Harlequins and other trashy novels. Porn in book form if you ask me. I kept several guys very happy. I felt sexy, hot and wanted. Some of the guys even talked to me after we were done. Some of them were really nice, but none of them were Graden and I didn’t want anyone but Graden. I got proposed to a handful of times. Some of them didn’t believe I was a virgin. I just let them think what they wanted as long as they talked to me I didn’t care. At first I was really timid. Eventually I scared a few guys away. I will admit I do tend to think rather kinkily. I was up for anything. Any type of sexual role-play. I’ve pretended to be someone’s mom, daughter, cousin, niece, sister, twin, best friend, best friend’s girlfriend, you name it I’ve probably role-played it via chat or text. I’ve role-played being raped by a dog, and a brother, by a dad, and uncle, ect. I’m quite ashamed of it now, but it’s the truth. Chat sex is an addiction I think. I still struggle with wanting to go online and talk to some of my ‘friends’ online…
In May of 2008 I graduated. I was set to go to my choice college in Bethany, Oklahoma. Southern Nazarene University was my first choice of colleges from the moment I heard about it. The moment I saw it my mind was set. I couldn’t go anywhere else, SNU was home for me. The day I toured SNU I found out I had been accepted. That was a happy day. Anyway back to graduation. I graduated with my class… Class of 2008 rocks! By the way. All my best friends graduated with me as well as some ‘enemies’, acquaintances, old crushes, and ex-friends. Moes, Delilah, Kenny, and I had a party at Moes’ and my church. And the summer began!