My Dull Depressing Life

About two weeks ago Thursday I got in a minor fight with one of my really good friends, China, and several of my other friends were mad at me because of it. I didn’t really want to go to dinner in the cafeteria and be alone with her and the other girls who were mad at me. So I called Mitchell and asked if he would go up with me (our cafeteria is on the 3rd floor of the commons) he said he couldn’t, because he was going to the SSS banquet, which I was supposed to go to as well, but I forgot about it. So I asked him how he was getting there and if I could ride with him. He was riding with a friend of his, Jay, and said I could come along as well, but that there was another boy with him and Jay. The boy’s name was Carl. Once I got in the car, Carl started teasing Mitchell which is one of my favorite past times. So Carl and I started talking and joking around. We ended up hanging out after the SSS banquet. I made Mitchell come along because I didn’t know him and I didn’t like Jay much. When we hung out Carl kissed me on the cheek… Twice. Right in front of Mitchell. Mitchell didn’t even see until the second time. Then he teased me about it. But it was ok.
The next day Carl wanted to hang out, but I had to go on a camping trip, so he said to call him when I got home. I agreed. So on the way home I had Mitchell call him. He wanted to hang out so I got Mitchell to agree to go, but then Carl ‘canceled’ and Mitchell told me we weren’t going so, I went to my room and took a shower and got ready for bed, but Carl called and said he just didn’t want Mitchell to come. So after a lot of thought I ended up going because I thought we’d just stay on campus. We didn’t. We went to Nattie’s house… Nattie is Jay’s girlfriend. Nothing really happened, I invited him to church seeing as the next day would be Sunday. He agreed.
Sunday I got up and headed to church Jay called and said he dropped Carl off at church so I thought he’d be in the Sunday School classroom when I got there. He wasn’t. I had to call Jay and find out where he left him then I had to go find him. He was at the other side of BFC, which is the biggest church I’ve ever seen. Anyway I found him and took him to the Sunday School class. He talked with my pastor and my friends. He seemed to fit in pretty well. After Sunday School we went to church service it was good. Then we went to Pastor Chat. We spent the whole day together. That night he kissed me on the lips and said, “Since you’ve never been kissed does that mean we’re going out?” I nodded. Shortly after I went home to my dorm.
Monday right after class I went over to Nattie’s house to see him. We spent the day together after he got off work. He walked me home… Or maybe Jay drove us I don’t remember.
Tuesday he showed me how to french kiss. Apparently I’m a fast learner. He walked me home just before curfew.
Wednesday was my biggest mistake. It was raining and I walked part way over to Nattie’s, Jay drove me the rest of the way. Carl had the day off. Jay encouraged me to go wake Carl up. So I did. He groaned and opened his eyes, but smiled when he saw me. He pulled me into a quick hug, before noticing my shirt was wet. When he noticed he tried to take my shirt off. I pulled away giving him ‘the look’. He proceeded to tell me he was just trying to keep me from getting sick and that he wouldn’t do anything. So after a lot of convincing I allowed it. But covered my chest. He laughed at me. We cuddled for a bit. Then decided to get up. Later that day Jay and Nattie had went somewhere and we stayed at Nattie’s. I had been doing dishes and my shirt was wet and I was tired. So we went to the back room to nap. When we got there he convinced me to take off my wet shirt. I did thinking he still wasn’t going to do anything. We laid down and started kissing. And making out. Eventually he kissed down my neck next thing I knew he was suckling my breasts, I started to tell him to stop but if felt so good… Then I felt his hand in my pants, again I started to tell him to stop but… for some stupid reason I didn’t. Before I knew it I was completely naked and he was licking and kissing and sucking on me there… Unfortunately I liked it too much to tell him to stop. Then all of the sudden he was hovering over me naked. He said something along the lines of “Can I?” or “Are you ready?” While I was formulating an answer he decided that my lack of protest was a yes and said “I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’” and then he did… And I wasn’t a virgin anymore. It hurt. It didn’t feel good. I didn’t like it. I knew it was wrong. I don’t know why I did it, but I did. I obeyed his every command. Over the next few days I did everything he wanted… Well everything sexual he asked me to. I even sucked his dick… I didn’t like it. That was my absolute least favorite part of it. I don’t think I was mature enough to have taken that big a step in any relationship. And to be honest I don’t think I even liked him. I don’t think he liked me either. He liked my body. I don’t think he believed I was a virgin. And I think he lied to my about… basically everything he told me. He pulled out before coming… all but 2 times one he had a condom on the other he just came in me.
Thursday we did it twice at least… But that night he got drunk… and high. And was being a jerk and I didn’t want to. So I told him no. The only time I told him no. He got pissed off and told him if I leave him his sister (who’s in a gang) would “Kick my ass” then he passed out. That was around 11pm. It was raining and I started to walk back to campus, but Nattie said she’d take me. She stayed with me while I cried about how he was acting and everything. I should have just broken up with him then. But then again common sense I am lacking.
Friday, I signed out to stay over at Nattie’s for the weekend. With Carl… Carl was thrilled when he found out. He had to work, and Nattie and I had to go to campus to get our yearbooks and stuff. I told him I’d be home when he got back. I wasn’t though because Nattie wanted to stay on campus and talk to people and I didn’t want to leave her. So I waited and bugged her to go. She finally decided to go, but Carl called as we were leaving and he cussed me out because I wasn’t home when he got there. Nattie and I hurried back to the house, Carl wasn’t there because he had to walk to the store to call me, when he did get back he was mad.
Saturday was just about like the other days, but eventually I got to thinking. Soon I decided Carl didn’t love me, and that he was using me, he didn’t trust me. I also realized all my friends hated me and nobody cared (well that’s what I thought at the moment). I was doing dishes and I picked up a knife I had just washed, held it against my skin and then I paused thinking ‘I’ll do the dishes, write a note, put the dishes up, and then I will use this to kill myself.’ I finished the dishes, and started on my note, but I never finished it. And I obviously never killed myself. Carl came in with flowers. One for Nattie and one for me. As I laid down to sleep that night I decided I would leave the next day and not come back.
Sunday, I woke up and got all my stuff together, told Carl I had to go back to campus and study. When I got back I took a shower and started praying, asking God for forgiveness for what I just did, and what to do. I called Moes after my shower. I was sobbing hysterically, I told her everything basically. I was afraid of Carl because of the threat and how he’d been acting since that night. She told me to call my mother. Moes and I talked for hours. Then I called my mother I told her about me Carl and how he’d threatened me and that we slept together and well everything. She told me it would be okay and that she still loved me and told me I would have to see a doctor when I got home just in case of like STDs and stuff.
It will be too soon to see if I’m pregnant. I still think I’m probably not because of the doctor but my body has been acting strange lately… I don’t know if I should hope for a baby or not. I mean I’ve always wanted one, but if I am I can’t go back to SNU. I may not be able to live in Oklahoma City if I am, because I don’t want Carl to know. I’m afraid he’d hurt me and or the baby… If there is indeed a baby. I really want to live in Bethany though and if I’m pregnant I don’t know if I can. I’m way more scared of Carl than I let on. I think Mitchell knows that. It seems Mitchell is the only one who understands. I really need him (Mitchell I mean). I lost him for a week when Carl and I were dating… I never want to lose him again. I can’t lose him again I don’t know if I’d be able to live with out him. Everyone thinks I’m in love with him… To be honest, I don’t really know if I am or not. I think I probably am… But I hope not, because he doesn’t love me that way. And he’s even less likely to now that I… You know… with Carl.
If you’ve ever disappointed someone you love, you know how I felt when I told him about Carl and me… I hated myself. I think it was harder telling him than anyone else and he wanted to know every detail, and I told him. I answered all his questions and took all his criticism. To be honest, he was angrier with Carl than me. He said Carl seduced me and would have raped me given half the chance. He tried to say he basically did rape me, but I said, “No, I let him”. Mitchell was so disappointed in me. He said that Carl was the wrong one for me to do that with. I agreed I told him before I started the story that I had made a lot of mistakes. He hugged me and said it wasn’t my fault. I nodded even though I didn’t believe that for a millisecond. I have never felt as alone as I did that week. I don’t think I was myself at all during that week. I don’t know who I was but I wasn’t my normal self… I don’t know what came over me but I was not the girl I was raised to be.
If you’re reading this, I hope you never have to go through what I’m going through right now. I’m 19 years old, I have no boyfriend, no husband, no job, no degree, I’m failing college, I’m afraid of my ex, I may well have a gang after me, I might have any number of STDs, I could be pregnant, I have no home, no money, and no clue what to do. I’m a Christian and I feel like God is a continent away. I don’t know where to turn. Or what to do. The only person in the world I WANT to talk to is disappointed in me and his phone is dead. Not to mention the fact that I am most likely in love with him.
Don’t make my mistakes. You’ll regret it. On the pregnate note; if I am pregnate, I will probally drop out of college, find a job and a place to live and maybe try to find a husband… Someday. I will keep my baby. I’d rather die than give up my baby. I’d rather die than let ANY baby die. I would die the most painful death in the world if I could save just one. So if you want to know where I stand on abortion… I stand against it. STRONGLY against it. If you don’t want your baby give it to me. Now just to clarify I’m not judging anyone for getting one. I can understand why someone would, but it causes more problems than anything. Another thing I will say now is, if I am pregnant, that will be the only good thing that can come out of all of my mistakes. And my baby wouldn’t be a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes, people do. I made a mistake and if God give me a baby because of my mistake I will love it just as much as any other child. Probably more because it will be MY baby. Ok that’s all I got for now.
Oh, did I mention Carl is in jail for a month? He is. Not for anything to do with me though. Ok now I’m really done for now.