My Dull Depressing Life

Let’s skip now to my junior year of high school. Sometime in the first week Darius, being in my 5th hour class, asked me if I had heard from Martha, his girlfriend. He also asked if I knew why she wasn’t speaking to him. I said I hadn’t and I didn’t know why she was being that way, but that I’d try to find out. So that night I called Martha, for the first time in two years. I made some small talk and then said something along the lines of… “Sooo… Martha… How are you and Darius?” I doubt I’ll ever forget her response… It was so cold. So horribly cold. It hurt me to hear, made me shiver. She said, “Darius and I are over. We broke up this summer, so you can have him.” I can HAVE him she told me! How can you offer to give someone another person! I thought angrily but all I said was “How did you guys break up?” In response she told me that she had simply stopped talking to him and gotten a new boyfriend. I finished the conversation as quick as possible making an excuse to leave, and then I hung up.
The next day, I went to 5th hour English hoping he wouldn’t be there, but he was. Maybe he forgot, I hoped. He hadn’t. He asked me what she said. I told him verbatim. I saw his heart break! I had to watch my crush’s heart break. He was never quite the same. I was afraid for like 6 months that would kill himself. I did everything in my power to cheer him up. And finally one day he cheered up and was almost his normal self again. I had given him time to heal and now… Now it was time for me to see if there was any chance he could ever love me as I loved him. So I asked him if there was any chance he’d ever date me. He said maybe. He said it with a smile and gave me hope. That hope was completely unfounded.
The next day I realized how unfounded that hope truly was. A mutual friend of Darius’ and mine told me he was dating a new girl named Avy. She hated me. Not that I liked her. Not by any means. Anyway, moving on.
Right around my birthday I got a rather unpleasant gift. My second period. You see my first had been during freshman year. And now I was having my second in my junior year… That’s an unnaturally long gap in case you didn’t know. And I was bleeding really badly. My mom was afraid I was going to bleed to death so she took me to a special doctor-for women problems- and I had a pap smear… Fun stuff let me tell you (note the sarcasm). First I had to argue with that idiot doctor for like 30 minutes because she didn’t believe I was a virgin! I’m only like 16 or 17 at the time but I’m pretty sure I knew better than she did whether or not I’d been deflower. I mean how the heck would see know if I was or not! What a bitch! Finally she did the Pap smear and was like ok I guess you’re right you are a virgin.
When the test results came in we went back in to her office and she told me I would never be able to have children. My heart broke. I’d wanted children since I was just a wee little thing. I never wanted anything more… Well except maybe someone to love me. And with those words all my dreams died. My dream family, my nice little house with children running in and out of the front yard, my adoring husband who couldn’t keep his hands off me (which was the reason we had so many kids running about), everything I’d always wanted. It all vanished. It all went up in smoke. Gone! All of it gone! I felt as if I was a mother with a newborn babe in my arms and this woman had snatched my precious babe away. And no amount of begging could make her give the dear little bundle back. My baby was gone. And so was my future, my life… My everything.
I told my friends with tears in my eyes. They didn’t know what to say. I told Darius when he asked me what was wrong. He didn’t understand. Said he didn’t get chicks that bleed. What an idiot! For those of you who don’t know all ‘chicks’ bleed. And without periods we can’t have children. Just so you know… I fell into a deep depression.
One day my dad and I had a major fight. I texted Walter and said something to him about how I hated my life. I was planning to kill myself. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know when or where but I knew I was going to do that or run away. But Walter talked me out of it. Even after I had broken his heart. He still cared enough about me to stop me from doing something horrible to myself. Another day I was in Wal-Mart where all my friends just happened to work. They were all working in the front this day. I needed lunch money and I asked my dad, he said something like shut up. And I mouthed off something about needing lunch money for my sister and me. He slapped me! HARD! Across the face! In front of all my friends. I ran out crying in anger. How could he do that to me!? In front of my friends? For asking for lunch money! I called my aunt and told her about it. She told me she’d come get me as soon as she could. And that she’d take me home and not let my dad hit me again. Turns out she hits her kids now. I can’t believe her sometimes.
I went to a chat room called coolchat.com it was a demo on my new phone my mom had gotten me for Christmas, because I couldn’t buy minutes for my tracphone anymore due to the fact that I had to quit my job, at Burger King, because my knees were just too bad. So mom told me if I quit she’d buy me a phone and pay the bill, and she did for a while… Anyway, I went on coolchat.com using the demo on my phone. I met a guy the first time I used the demo. I liked him a lot his name was Stephan. We talked every night for a week or two. Then one day we were texting during class, and he made some unwanted advances. I told him to cool it, because I wasn’t that kind of girl. He said he was sorry for moving too fast and that he’d call me that night. He never called. He never texted me or contacted me in anyway. I was crushed. I had liked him a lot, and yet again I was betrayed. I called and texted him. He never answered or replied. He never called back or anything. I was hurt and angry.
I didn’t go on coolchat again for several months, when I did it was close to the end of my junior year; I was up late because I couldn’t sleep. I was bored. I should have been studying for finals, or sleeping. But I went on coolchat.com. In the end I’m quite glad I did. You see I met a wonderful guy when I was online. I quite quickly fell in love with him… Well after I established that he was in fact a boy. Before that I thought we would become the very best of friends, but when he told me his name was Graden I realized he was a boy. I ended up falling in love with that boy. He was the best guy I’d ever met. The first one I’d trusted in a very long time. Possibly the last I’d ever trust with my heart. Maybe I gave him my heart too soon. Maybe I loved him too much. Maybe I said I love you too soon. In any case I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody before with one exception-Richie, a two year old who has had me wrapped around his tiny little finger since he was born. I’m not sure I’ll ever love anyone half as much as I love Graden. Or even a tenth as much as I love Richie. One thing I do know is that I would’ve given anything to be with him. I loved him more than I ever imagined I could ever love a guy...