Scarred Angel
Sober
Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see.
We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within.
The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid.
Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture.
-John O'Donohue
"Johnny, I love you," my boyfriend, my lover, my abuser pleaded. I took a glance at him, and my resolve weakened.
I would stay. No matter the pain. This is how it always happens. I try to walk away, he begs and pleads, I look at him, I stay.
"Stay sober, Brian," I begged of him. "The next time, I'm gone. I can't take it!"
"Anything," he promised, relief flooding his expression and voice. I knew it would last a few days, maybe a week, and then this would play out again.
A few hours later he suggested going to Jimmy, Zacky, and Jacoby's place. They were all together, I didn't understand it. But, whatever makes them happy, right?
As soon as we got there, their eyes fell on me, Jacoby sighing and looking away, Jimmy tensing, and tears springing to Zacky's eyes. I never told them, but they all knew. Jacoby was an abusive drunk, and he knew the signs. He told the others. Jacoby, unlike Brian, stopped, however. Jacoby couldn't stand the thought of hurting anyone.
Zacky took me aside, away from the other three, Jimmy already verbally laying into Brian. Jimmy was always good with words.
"What happened?" Zacky demanded, sadly. He gestured to my torso, my amazingly tender and sore torso. "I thought you were going to leave!?! Johnny, this isn't good for you! How can you let him do this to you?"
"He loves me, he's sorry!" I defended Brian, my Brian. "I love him! I can't leave him! He said he'd quit!" To myself, I added, he would just hurt someone else, someone that can't take the pain.
"No he won't! This happens every god damned time, Johnny!" Zacky growled, fear evident in his wide emerald eyes.
I sent him a glare and stormed out of the room, past the others, and out of the house.
A few blocks away, Jacoby caught up with me. Jacoby, the always emotional (emotionally unstable, quite possibly bipolar), insane one. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him and into a hug.
"Brian will never stop, you know," he told me, his voice soft. "You need to leave him."
"But he loves me," I turned to face him, to look up at him with tear-filled eyes.
"I know, I know. Oh, trust me, I know. But, the alcohol controls him, Johnny. You're like my kid brother, I don't want to see you hurt. Do what's good for you, and get away from Brian," Jacoby pleaded with me.
"I love him, Coby. I love him so much. And he loves me," I pleaded right back, wishing it to be true, wishing the pain away.
"Johnny, man, if he loved you, he'd do what's best for you. And thats give up the alcohol. I did it. I gave it up, because I hated waking up and my boyfriend walk on eggshells, not just because he was hurt, but because he was afraid. Brian enjoys this. He can dominate you so completely, and he loves that. Johnny, get it through your head, and leave him." Jacoby pleaded with me.
"I drive him to it. It's my fault, I make-" Jacoby slapped me, sharply, across my face.
"It is not your fault!" He growled. And then in a softer gentler tone," You have done nothing wrong. When he gets drunk, he wants a fight. You are the closest, easiest target. Johnny, please, get away from him. If not for yourself, for me, Zack, and Jim. Seeing you battered kills us, man. We love you. Please, get away from him."
"He said he's stop!" I ended the conversation.
If i didn't believe in my Bri, then who would? Surely not the guys. He has no one else. Just me. I have to stay with him. I'm all he has left.
If you always watch the demons behind you, then you will never see the angels ahead.
We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within.
The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid.
Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture.
-John O'Donohue
"Johnny, I love you," my boyfriend, my lover, my abuser pleaded. I took a glance at him, and my resolve weakened.
I would stay. No matter the pain. This is how it always happens. I try to walk away, he begs and pleads, I look at him, I stay.
"Stay sober, Brian," I begged of him. "The next time, I'm gone. I can't take it!"
"Anything," he promised, relief flooding his expression and voice. I knew it would last a few days, maybe a week, and then this would play out again.
A few hours later he suggested going to Jimmy, Zacky, and Jacoby's place. They were all together, I didn't understand it. But, whatever makes them happy, right?
As soon as we got there, their eyes fell on me, Jacoby sighing and looking away, Jimmy tensing, and tears springing to Zacky's eyes. I never told them, but they all knew. Jacoby was an abusive drunk, and he knew the signs. He told the others. Jacoby, unlike Brian, stopped, however. Jacoby couldn't stand the thought of hurting anyone.
Zacky took me aside, away from the other three, Jimmy already verbally laying into Brian. Jimmy was always good with words.
"What happened?" Zacky demanded, sadly. He gestured to my torso, my amazingly tender and sore torso. "I thought you were going to leave!?! Johnny, this isn't good for you! How can you let him do this to you?"
"He loves me, he's sorry!" I defended Brian, my Brian. "I love him! I can't leave him! He said he'd quit!" To myself, I added, he would just hurt someone else, someone that can't take the pain.
"No he won't! This happens every god damned time, Johnny!" Zacky growled, fear evident in his wide emerald eyes.
I sent him a glare and stormed out of the room, past the others, and out of the house.
A few blocks away, Jacoby caught up with me. Jacoby, the always emotional (emotionally unstable, quite possibly bipolar), insane one. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him and into a hug.
"Brian will never stop, you know," he told me, his voice soft. "You need to leave him."
"But he loves me," I turned to face him, to look up at him with tear-filled eyes.
"I know, I know. Oh, trust me, I know. But, the alcohol controls him, Johnny. You're like my kid brother, I don't want to see you hurt. Do what's good for you, and get away from Brian," Jacoby pleaded with me.
"I love him, Coby. I love him so much. And he loves me," I pleaded right back, wishing it to be true, wishing the pain away.
"Johnny, man, if he loved you, he'd do what's best for you. And thats give up the alcohol. I did it. I gave it up, because I hated waking up and my boyfriend walk on eggshells, not just because he was hurt, but because he was afraid. Brian enjoys this. He can dominate you so completely, and he loves that. Johnny, get it through your head, and leave him." Jacoby pleaded with me.
"I drive him to it. It's my fault, I make-" Jacoby slapped me, sharply, across my face.
"It is not your fault!" He growled. And then in a softer gentler tone," You have done nothing wrong. When he gets drunk, he wants a fight. You are the closest, easiest target. Johnny, please, get away from him. If not for yourself, for me, Zack, and Jim. Seeing you battered kills us, man. We love you. Please, get away from him."
"He said he's stop!" I ended the conversation.
If i didn't believe in my Bri, then who would? Surely not the guys. He has no one else. Just me. I have to stay with him. I'm all he has left.
If you always watch the demons behind you, then you will never see the angels ahead.