Down With Love

“Jimmy, you’re the sweetest guy in the entire world,” Val announced, as she and I sat at the table in the bus. I was collapsed with my head on the table, too drunk to grant her with a worded response. I let out a grunt, however even that was muffled by my arm in front of my face and the fact that my left cheek was glued to the table with sweat. “What was that, love?” she asked, taking a sip of her beer.

“You’re married,” I mumbled, still not getting up. “Shouldn’t Matt be the sweetest guy in the entire world?” I’d known Val long enough to recognize hesitation in her voice.

“O-okay. Second sweetest.” Val laughed, but stopped when I let out a groan of agony.

“Too drunk for loud noises,” I informed her in a whisper. “Val, nothing is working,” I sat up slowly, “and, no, I don’t mean with my combined hangover and bender. I mean with Anna… Do you think I should talk to Matt?” I asked.

“No, Jimmy, I know him. That would be the stupidest thing you could ever do!” Val looked annoyed. “He cares about his cousin, and… he’d never trust you around her, he’d be pissed off, and the guys would give you infinite shit over it. Nothing good could come out of it, Jimmy,” she paused. “I think we need to move on to plan B,” she concluded.

“Plan B?” I asked, meeting her eyes with an interested glance.

“Finding someone else for you,” she bit her lip, and interrupted before I could say anything. “I’m sick of watching you pine over her, of seeing you mope and cry and beat yourself up. She’s turning you into something terrible, this… Gollum-creature. In front of my eyes.”

“I’m in love with her, Val!” I protested.

“No.” she snapped, standing up. “No, Jimmy, love is between two people. Love is not one person at another. You don’t love her, Jimmy, you don’t. And I’m sick of watching her kill you. So get the fuck over it, and then come back to me.” Val stormed out of the bus.

My brain hardly had time to react before I felt a hand on my back. Although it was probably only a few seconds, distorted by my alcohol-fucked state of mind. “You all right, dude?” I heard a voice that sounded like Matt’s. “I heard Val yelling, and was stomping angrily… what happened?”

“M-Matt,” I slurred. “I have to tell you something, dude,”

Shads looked alert. “What did you do to her?!” he demanded angrily.

“No, no, no, no, no…” I finally caught ahold of what I was saying again. “I- She- Not Val. I… Matt, I’m in love with Anna. I mean, I really really really like her…” I remembered what Val said. Matt didn’t answer, and I stopped drawling on, realizing that at this point I was only talking to hear myself speak.
Finally, Matt responded. He took a deep breath, not saying anything yet, and sat down. “How much?” He asked after an excruciatingly long pause. Now, sober, I could have understood him, no problem. Obviously, though, I was too drunk for that.

“What do you mean how much?” I slurred. “I had loooooots…” I tried to sit down next to him, but fell on the ground at his feet. “Oh, what an interesting shade of burgundy,” I announced, finding myself face-to-cushion with the couch.

I looked upwards at Matt to see him shaking his head. “I was gonna ask, how much do you like her. But it’s obviously a fuckload if you got drunk- not just tipsy, but drunk- over it. I’ve never known anyone who can hold their drink as well as you, Rev.” He stood so fast it made me dizzy. “You can’t go after her while she’s with Alex though. That’s my only condition. She’s happy, and I won’t have you fucking that up,” He then grinned “But otherwise, do what you want, as long as if you guys eventually do bang, I don’t have to hear about it.” Matt walked out of the bus, and I sat there, dumbfounded. God, I hoped I’d remember this in the morning.

I stayed on the floor for a while, feeling particularly pleased with myself. Well, I mean, that wasn’t why I stayed on the floor- I didn’t trust myself to stand up just yet, not with my head spinning as much as it was. Shapes were still forming and blurring in front of my eyes. But this was it. I’d gotten Matt’s blessing… I could go after Anna. I could go after Anna. I could go after Anna… wait, but he’d said another thing, given a condition… what was it? Psht, couldn’t be important if I couldn’t remember. Probably just something about nailing his cousin. Wait, Matt had just given me the Okay and I was sitting on the floor of the tour bus?! I flailed my arms in the air until my hand latched on to something hard which I could only hope was fixed to the floor. I swung my other arm over comically to grasp the object, which upon further investigation was the table, and by putting all my weight into it as much, somehow managed to swing myself into standing position- almost then falling face-first into the table. I did manage to catch myself before impact, but at the expense of my dignity.

“Jimmy, are you wasted?!” I heard a voice. Anna’s voice. Anna. Anna.

“Anna! Anna! I have to tell you something!” I shouted, taking a couple wobbly steps in her direction.

“You need to go to bed, that’s what you need. Seriously, you’re like an alcoholic camel, how did you of all people manage to get drunk?!”

I shook my head “No, no no no, you see no, Anna, you’re wrong,” I slurred even more strongly than usual. “You see, that’s where you went wrong. Cause camels, they drink water. Seriously, and you’re the one who’s trying to convince me that I’m drunked.” I was making her laugh, good, then she’ll like me more.

“Yeah, you’re going to bed now,” she took a hold of my arm and attempted to lead me to the bunks.

“Only if you’ll come with me,” I said in a tone I hoped was provocative.

Anna rolled her eyes. “Let’s take a rain check on that for now, and wait for a night where you’re more sober, Jimmy.”

“Psht, I’m sober!” Anna rolled her eyes. “No, no, I am, and I have proof, toosies! Now, which one of us was going on about goats?”

“Goats?” Anna echoed- I could tell she was trying not to laugh.

“Yeah,” I confirmed. “No, I mean camels. No, goats. OH MY GOD YOU KNOW WHAT, ANNA?!” I shouted.

“What?” Anna responded, helping me out of my jacket. I would have said something about her undressing me, but I was just too excited about my new discovery.

“IF CAMELS AND GOATS HAD BABIES, YOU COULD CALL THEM COATS.” I shouted, absolutely ecstatic about the idea. I turned to Anna to see if she shared my enthusiasm, but she was just staring at me in shock.

“Bedtime. Now.” She pointed at the bunk I was miraculously standing in front of- when did that happen?!

“Okay okay okay,” I finally gave in as she pushed me into the bed. “Oooh, being a bit forward? But s’okay, baby, cause you can’t rape the willing…” I winked sloppily.

Anna just shook her head. “I’ll talk to you in the morning when you’re a few aspirins and a cup of coffee deep, Jimmy,” she smiled, and turned to walk away.

“Wait, Anna!” I grabbed her arm with surprisingly amazing aim for a drunk man. She turned around, waiting for me to continue. “I love you,” I said quietly with a smile.

Anna chuckled. “I’ll talk to you in the morning, you drunkard,” she said with a smile, prying herself out of my grip.

I was going to think about what this meant for us now, but I could feel the sudden weight of the alcohol on my eyelids, and before I knew it I was fast asleep.