Down With Love
Chapter 5
“Leaving?! You can’t just leave!” Matt protested. “We hired you, you can’t just abandon post halfway through, jobs don’t work like that and you know it.”
“Yeah, cause there aren’t eighteen billion girls here who would do the job for free if they thought it would get them closer to the band,” I rolled my eyes sarcastically. We were sitting on the couch in the Avenged Sevenfold bus; Jimmy’s blanket lay on the ground, where I had kicked it to in anger when I found them earlier- oh yes- in my bunk. I fixed my eyes on Matt’s shirt. Looking at the blanket made me think of Jimmy, Jimmy and that whore. I was starting to tremble in anger again. But before I could repeat my announcement, my cousin interrupted me.
“Yeah, you’re right… and with that attitude you could write a book,” I looked up, waiting for the blow. “How to attract stalkers, psychopaths, and freaks, 101.”
“I think your music does that already, Matt,” I laughed cruelly, knowing it would hurt. “Find me one of your fans who isn’t a freak.”
Shadows’ eyes narrowed angrily. “Say what you will about us, but Jesus Christ, Anna, you have no fucking right to say that about our fans, they’re amazing.”
I stood up. Between Matt’s attitude and what Jimmy did, I had never been angrier in my life. Apparently anger, misery, and loneliness made for a bitter result. I could taste the bile welling up in my throat. “EVERYONE’S SO ‘AMAZING’ TO YOU!” I shrieked, tears streaming down my face. “THE BAND IS AMAZING. VAL’S AMAZING. JIMMY’S AMAZING. BELLA’S AMAZING. THE FANS ARE AMAZING. THE SUMMER’S AMAZING. THE DISGUSTING FUCKING WARPED TOUR MEALS ARE AMAZING. EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IS FUCKING AMAZING. AND WHAT AM I?! SCUM! I HEARD YOU YESTERDAY APOLOGISING TO THE OTHERS FOR HIRING ME. I KNOW VAL’S ONLY NICE TO ME FOR YOUR SAKE- AND THE OTHERS TO. AND HELL, JIMMY DOESN’T EVEN TRY. EVEN YOUR FUCKING DOG HATES ME. OH, AND SO DO THE FANS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONELY AND MISERABLE I’VE BEEN! AND EVERY TIME- EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRY TO BE NICE TO SOMEONE I GET TREATED LIKE SCUM. I’M FUCKING SICK OF IT AND I WANT TO GO HOME SO FUCKING HIRE SOMEONE ELSE!” I took a long pause to regain my breath and my composure. I sniveled, wiped my tears away with my sleeve, and held onto a table to try to stop myself from shaking. I finally looked up at Matt, who looked as if I’d just slapped him in the face. His dog wandered up to me, laying its head on my foot. This act of kindness- the only real one I’d had all summer- caused me to break down in tears, even if it was from a dog. I shuddered and collapsed into Matt’s arms, and he patted my back.
“Oh Anna,” he muttered. “I’m so sorry,” my cousin pulled me close as I sobbed into his shoulder, shuddering. “I know it’s so hard or you love, but I’ll make an effort, we’ll all make an effort… And I’ll talk to Jimmy especially, I know he’s hurting you,” He patted my head and backed away. I’d finished crying, but I was still trembling violently. “C’mon, you wanna go get a drink?” He asked, and I nodded weakly, before following him out of the bus with Bella at our heels.
“Your face is fucked,” Jimmy announced when Matt and I sat down at the wooden table with the rest of the members of the band. Bella hopped up on my lap just as I gave another shudder as reaction from Jimmy’s comment.
“Jimmy, don’t. Just don’t.” Matt said warningly, putting his hand on my shoulder. I took Matt’s sunglasses off his head to see my reflection- my face really was red, and my eyes swollen to beyond the point of recognition. I bit my lip and looked down.
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My eyes met Matt’s- I’d never seen him this angry, not at one of us at least. Maybe at drunken assholes who tried to beat him up. But never at one of us. I took the hint, and put my hand on Anna’s knee. “You been crying, little girl?” I asked, trying to sound caring. She turned to face me slowly, and her eyes were on fire.
“Don’t. Touch. Me.” She spat, and I pulled my hand away nervously.
“You know,” I muttered, chugging down my last mug of beer. “Maybe if you didn’t snap at people twenty-four seven, you’d have a lot more friends.” I felt bad for sounding harsh, and opened my mouth to say something reassuring. But I saw something- or rather someone- from the corner of my eye, “Shit, I gotta go,” I jumped up and raced out of the catering tent. Jesus Christ, why did I sleep with that whore? I watched from the side of the doorway as whatever-her-name-was approached my friends, presumably asking where I was. I felt a stone in the pit of my stomach though, a feeling which I couldn’t place a name on. But then I realized. It was guilt. I bit my lip, thinking of Anna’s face, stained with tears. My fault?
“Yeah, cause there aren’t eighteen billion girls here who would do the job for free if they thought it would get them closer to the band,” I rolled my eyes sarcastically. We were sitting on the couch in the Avenged Sevenfold bus; Jimmy’s blanket lay on the ground, where I had kicked it to in anger when I found them earlier- oh yes- in my bunk. I fixed my eyes on Matt’s shirt. Looking at the blanket made me think of Jimmy, Jimmy and that whore. I was starting to tremble in anger again. But before I could repeat my announcement, my cousin interrupted me.
“Yeah, you’re right… and with that attitude you could write a book,” I looked up, waiting for the blow. “How to attract stalkers, psychopaths, and freaks, 101.”
“I think your music does that already, Matt,” I laughed cruelly, knowing it would hurt. “Find me one of your fans who isn’t a freak.”
Shadows’ eyes narrowed angrily. “Say what you will about us, but Jesus Christ, Anna, you have no fucking right to say that about our fans, they’re amazing.”
I stood up. Between Matt’s attitude and what Jimmy did, I had never been angrier in my life. Apparently anger, misery, and loneliness made for a bitter result. I could taste the bile welling up in my throat. “EVERYONE’S SO ‘AMAZING’ TO YOU!” I shrieked, tears streaming down my face. “THE BAND IS AMAZING. VAL’S AMAZING. JIMMY’S AMAZING. BELLA’S AMAZING. THE FANS ARE AMAZING. THE SUMMER’S AMAZING. THE DISGUSTING FUCKING WARPED TOUR MEALS ARE AMAZING. EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IS FUCKING AMAZING. AND WHAT AM I?! SCUM! I HEARD YOU YESTERDAY APOLOGISING TO THE OTHERS FOR HIRING ME. I KNOW VAL’S ONLY NICE TO ME FOR YOUR SAKE- AND THE OTHERS TO. AND HELL, JIMMY DOESN’T EVEN TRY. EVEN YOUR FUCKING DOG HATES ME. OH, AND SO DO THE FANS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONELY AND MISERABLE I’VE BEEN! AND EVERY TIME- EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRY TO BE NICE TO SOMEONE I GET TREATED LIKE SCUM. I’M FUCKING SICK OF IT AND I WANT TO GO HOME SO FUCKING HIRE SOMEONE ELSE!” I took a long pause to regain my breath and my composure. I sniveled, wiped my tears away with my sleeve, and held onto a table to try to stop myself from shaking. I finally looked up at Matt, who looked as if I’d just slapped him in the face. His dog wandered up to me, laying its head on my foot. This act of kindness- the only real one I’d had all summer- caused me to break down in tears, even if it was from a dog. I shuddered and collapsed into Matt’s arms, and he patted my back.
“Oh Anna,” he muttered. “I’m so sorry,” my cousin pulled me close as I sobbed into his shoulder, shuddering. “I know it’s so hard or you love, but I’ll make an effort, we’ll all make an effort… And I’ll talk to Jimmy especially, I know he’s hurting you,” He patted my head and backed away. I’d finished crying, but I was still trembling violently. “C’mon, you wanna go get a drink?” He asked, and I nodded weakly, before following him out of the bus with Bella at our heels.
“Your face is fucked,” Jimmy announced when Matt and I sat down at the wooden table with the rest of the members of the band. Bella hopped up on my lap just as I gave another shudder as reaction from Jimmy’s comment.
“Jimmy, don’t. Just don’t.” Matt said warningly, putting his hand on my shoulder. I took Matt’s sunglasses off his head to see my reflection- my face really was red, and my eyes swollen to beyond the point of recognition. I bit my lip and looked down.
----------
My eyes met Matt’s- I’d never seen him this angry, not at one of us at least. Maybe at drunken assholes who tried to beat him up. But never at one of us. I took the hint, and put my hand on Anna’s knee. “You been crying, little girl?” I asked, trying to sound caring. She turned to face me slowly, and her eyes were on fire.
“Don’t. Touch. Me.” She spat, and I pulled my hand away nervously.
“You know,” I muttered, chugging down my last mug of beer. “Maybe if you didn’t snap at people twenty-four seven, you’d have a lot more friends.” I felt bad for sounding harsh, and opened my mouth to say something reassuring. But I saw something- or rather someone- from the corner of my eye, “Shit, I gotta go,” I jumped up and raced out of the catering tent. Jesus Christ, why did I sleep with that whore? I watched from the side of the doorway as whatever-her-name-was approached my friends, presumably asking where I was. I felt a stone in the pit of my stomach though, a feeling which I couldn’t place a name on. But then I realized. It was guilt. I bit my lip, thinking of Anna’s face, stained with tears. My fault?