I Won't Give up Till It's Over

There he was, lying on the hospital bed. Looking so pale, and thin. Joseph couldn't bare to see his best friend Tanner this way. Joe sighed and sat down in the chair beside his bed and took the young mans hand.

"Tanner." Joe said softly, a tear falling as the emotions rushed through his veins. One minute Tanner was fine, and the next he was lying here in the hospital bed. Tanner coughed slightly and looked over to Joe.

"Hey man." Tanner said in a raspy voice. A couple tears fell from Joe's eyes, as he squeezed Tanner's hand. Joe quickly regained his sense to speak and let a small smile grace his lips.

"How are you feeling, buddy?" Joe said softly as he let his grasp from the sick boys hand loosen, and finally let go.

"I'm fine, Joe. I promise, its just a little side effect from chemotherapy." Tanner said putting his hand on his throbbing head, Joe nodded in agreement, even though he knew Tanner wasn't fine.

Joe was used to this, Tanner was often in the hospital, missing school, missing parties, missing life. Because of the cancer he had. It was never out of the ordinary to see Joe walking around school alone, because his best friend was out of school that day, and then as soon as the last bell rang, he would take off running through the doors and go straight to Tanners house, and he knew if the car was gone, that they were at the hospital.

Joe looked into Tanners eyes for a moment, attempting to read what he was thinking, but at the moment all Joe was getting was pain. He looked down, breaking the stare, because he eventually felt the pain, and he hated that his best friend was having to go through this.

It wasn't fair for such a great person, who hasn't ever done one completely horrible thing in his life. A boy who has fought for his life, and lived every moment like it was his last, because it could have been. The boy who did good deeds, and got good grades. Tanner was just happy to be alive, and if it was only for a few more hours, he would be okay.

Joe didn't ever know what to expect, he learned a lot from the things Tanner's gone through. He didn't understand it all, but he tried, and thats all he could really do. Was try is best to understand what his best friend was going through, but the reality of it was that Joe wouldn't understand. Because Joseph wasn't going through the things Tanner was. Joe could say he understood, but really he didn't, he thought he did, but Tanner knew that no one can actually know what he was going through.

Because they weren't experiencing anything the same as him. They weren't feeling the pain of missing life, and the pain of missing out on first love, because Tanner had to be at his appointments three to five days a week, depending on the week.

None of Tanners friends, or family even, could know exactly how he felt.

Joe in a way, gave up his life, to spend his days to the fullest with Tanner. Girlfriends he only had a few, but they never really worked out because Joseph was dedicated to spending time with Tanner, he was dedicated to make Tanners life happy, and full. And the girls didn't like being on the back burner as much, so eventually Joe just stopped trying.

A few more minutes passed filled with silence as Joe thought about what the future was going to bring, and Tanner thought about how he may have no future.

He may not have a wife, or kids, the thought of that breaking his heart slightly.

"Joe." Tanner spoke softly, his throat dry and raspy still. Joe's eyes flickered from the floor to the boy before him.

"Yeah, Tanner?" Joe asked, keeping his voice low, knowing that Tanners head was pounding, and he didn't want to make it any worse.

"It's alright if you wanna leave, I know this place can get boring, very fast." He smiled slightly, as his lips cracked from the dryness. He winced slightly as a small amount of blood leaked out and he licked his lips to wipe it away.

"No, I'm alright, I mean, I don't mind." Joe didn't want to leave him there alone. He didn't want Tanner to have to go through this alone.

"Dude, it's fine if you wanna go get food or something. You should eat, at least." Joe sighed in defeat and grabbed his keys from the table.

"I'll be back in like thirty, get some rest, man." Joe left with a small wave and walked down the hall.

Joseph was always paranoid when he left the hospital, he would sometimes see nurses running down the hall, or he would hear beeping that would grow loud and violent, and he didn't know what to expect. And every few moments he would look back to make sure they weren't going into Tanner's room, because Joe knew that Tanner wouldn't live forever.

It was hard knowing something like that, like at any moment your best friend could be taken away from you.

Joe continued to walk down the stairs and out of the large hospital building to his car, and once he was inside, he put his head in his hands and cried. I know its not a manly thing to do, but Joe couldn't help it, he knew that Tanner was not okay, and he knew that eventually it would all end, and he wouldn't have much time left. He just had that feeling in the pit of his stomach, and all he wanted was for that feeling to go away.

Joe beat his hands on his steering wheel for a few minutes, he just wanted to save his best friend, who was like a brother to him. He couldn't do a thing for him, and it made him feel so helpless. He couldn't make him feel better, and he still didn't understand everything about the disease.

He just wanted to save his best friend, but he knew that it would take a miracle to do that, and he knew deep in his heart that there wasn't a big enough miracle fix this.

[*^*^*]

Its been a couple days and Tanner was better, he was finally getting out of the hospital, and Joe and him were going out to the fair with a couple of girls, and they were going to do things that Tanner liked to do, because he had been stuck in the hospital for almost a week.

Joe pushed Tanners wheelchair out of the automatic doors and opened the car door for him.

"You ready man? I set you up with that new hottie, Julia." Tanner smiled and nodded.

"I am so ready, that damn hospital, nothing ever happens in there. Wait, who're you going with?" Tanner asked as he got in the car, Joe shut the door and jogged to the drivers side and got in.

"Amanda." Joe smirked. He had been watching Amanda from afar for a while now, she was beautiful with long blond hair, and baby blue eyes.

"Nice man. I'm surprised you asked her." Tanner chuckled as he put on his beanie.

"Yeah, well I just decided why not, and then I found out that her and Julia were friends, so it was perfect." Joe smiled and pulled away from the curb, and drove down the highway. Silence filled the car, and Joe pushed some of the bangs that fell into his eyes out of the way.

"So, did you find anything new out? You know about-"

"I don't want to talk about ittoday, Joe. Please?" Joe swallowed and nodded.

"Alright, I'm sorry." He said, still driving.

The silence filled the car again as Joe began to tangle himself in his thoughts, and Tanner kept his gaze focused on what was going on outside the window. It was a sunny day in California, a beautiful day.

Today was going to be Tanners day, and the first thing Joe did was stop at Tanners favorite cafe and ate lunch with him. It was nice, and consisted of small talk, regarding things that had happened at school while he was gone. How Joe's family was doing, and how hot the girls they were going out with tonight were going to look.

As I said, it consisted of small talk, nothing to heavy because Joe didn't want to get on that touchy subject again. Tanner said no once, and thats all Joe needed to hear.

Joe wanted to make Tanner feel better, and thats exactly what he planned to do.

A few hours had passed since leaving the cafe and the boys were currently riding in the car. They had done all of Tanners favorite things during those hours. They did all the things they used to, and for that day, Tanner wasn't sick. He wasn't alone, he was happy. Everything was alright that day, no complications or anything of that sort. And Tanner was praying to God that tonight, with the girls would be the same.

[*^*^*]

"Joe, can we go get some cotton candy?" Amanda asked, a slight giggle in her voice, as she hung on Joe's arm.

"Of course, cutie." Joe smiled down at her and wrapped his arm tight around her waist, headed for the cotton candy stand.

Joe couldn't help but look back to see Tanner, with a smile on his face as he and Julia walked hand in hand towards the spinning cups.

Joe smiled to himself as he watched Tanner lean down and kiss Julia's cheek softly. A small giggle escaped Julia's lips at the tingle from Tanners soft lips, and Joe just wished that things would stay the way they are.

He wanted this night to last forever.

They both wanted it to last forever.

But sometimes, God's got other plans.

Joe paid for Amanda's cotton candy and handed the fluff to her.
"Here you go, one cotton candy." Joe flashed his smile at her as she took it from his hands and tore a small piece from the mound of pink fluffy deliciousness.

"Want a bite?" She asked holding her pointer finger that a bit of the candy was stuck to, up to his perfect lips. Joe smiled and nodded as he ate the candy off her finger.

[*^*^*]

A couple hours passed since then and Joe was driving Julia and Amanda, along with Tanner, to Julia's house, since they were staying over there.

Joe pulled his black SUV up to the curb and shut off the engine. He and Amanda waited as Tanner and Julia got out of the car. Joe wanted to let Tanner have his moment, and thats what was going to happen. Tanner and Julia walked hand in hand to the front door. As a light pink blush crept to Julia's cheeks as Tanner smiled shyly. He leaned forward and kissed her cheek, thanking her for a wonderful night.

As Tanner turned to walk away, Julia grabbed onto his wrist and stood on her toes, catching his lips in an amazing kiss. Joe seeing all this smiled wide, because his best friend deserved someone great, even if he wouldn't always be around to love.

Tanners hands found Julia's waist and and the kiss was intense, but passionate.

And as they pulled away, Tanner's eyes flickered with such a big amount of hope.

Hope that everything would be alright.

Tanner jogged back to the car as Julia disappeared inside of the house, as Amanda and Joe exited the car. They too, walked hand in hand to the front door, and Joe, feeling brave leaned down and kissed her lips softly, but just once. Pulling away with a smile on his face and his heart floating in thin air.

Amanda giggled softly before putting her hand on the door.

"I'll see you later." Was all that left her pink lips as she opened the door, a smile spread on her face. Joe nodded and gave a small wave as he jogged to the drivers side of the car.

And once the two boys, were far enough away from the house, the blared the classic 'Shake Your Tail feather', by Nelly. Being that was one of the biggest songs a few years back, and it was one of their favorites to just be dorks and turn the bass up high and play it as loud as they can stand for it to be.

And as the song ended they were both laughing so hard, pulling up to Tanners house. It was such a great night, and they both didn't want the leave the girls, but they knew they had to. Joe shut off his car and waited for Tanner to get out. But he wasn't movie, he was just sitting there, staring off into space.

"Tanner, man, you okay? You look pale." Tanner nodded and looked over at Joe, he mumbled something, but it was hard to understand.

"I couldn't hear you Tanner, what?" Joe asked turning to look at him. Tanner looked up at Joe through his eyelashes.

"The doctors said that- That I don't have much longer." Tanner said softly, as tears filled Joe's eyes.

"Wha-Are you sure? I mean, isn't there something they can do? Tanner? Please, isn't there anything they can do?" Joe asked in a panic, Tanner just shook his head no.

"They said the cancer- They said it spread, it's not just in my brain, its slowly but surely taking over my body and the chemotherapy isn't working, none of the treatments are working." Tanner was brave, tears weren't falling, he was just, there. He was calm and kind to Joe as Joe started the car.

"Come on, I-I'll take you to the hospital, it'll be okay, they'll fix it- They'll fix you." Joe said throwing his car into reverse.

"Joe. Joe-JOE!" Tanner had screamed to get the attention of his best friend who was about to back out in hurry.

"Joe, there's nothing anyone can do. My times coming to a quick end, and I'm okay with that, you should be too. You've been such an amazing friend to me, and I-I can't even imagine how all of this horrible bullshit would have been without you. You've been here with me through everything, and I'm so thankful God gave me someone like you, but he's taking me back now." Tanner ended his speech, in a softer tone he had started, as tears fell freely down Joe's cheeks.

"I wish I could save you." Joe said softly staring down at the steering wheel as a few more tears fell from his eyes. Tanner looked at his hands, not knowing how to respond to something like that.

"Are you afraid?" The question that fell from Joe's lips caught them both off guard.

"I-Joe-I'm not afraid of dying." Tanner said softly.

"But-"

"I'm afraid of not having a wife and kids, and not being the best man, at your wedding." Joe had to chuckle a little at that, seeing as they were just seniors, and Joe hasn't even begun to search for the one.

Joe wiped his face, and turned to Tanner.

"You're my best friend, Tanner. I couldn't have asked for a better one, and the-I just want you to know that you mean so much to me, and I know it sounds, well, gay, but I love you, man. I always will." Joe broke down, knowing his time with Tanner was limited, but thinking he would have a few weeks to let them live to the fullest.

They hugged, in one of those 'manly hugs', the kind of hugs brothers give each other and Joe cried for a moment into Tanners neck, being completely feminine and letting his guard down.

Joe couldn't make him feel better, he couldn't understand the pain, he couldn't understand anything, nor could he figure anything out. He just wanted Tanner better, and to not be sick, Joe just wanted to save Tanner, but Joseph knew in his heart that God, in the end, would decide what was going to happen.

Tanner rubbed Joe's back as they pulled away from the awkward side hug over the console in the car. Joe sniffled, his eyes red and cheeks wet.

Joe used his his shirt to wipe away the tears from his face, knowing that soon there would come a day when the phone would ring, and it would be someone telling him that his best friend, his long lost brother, was gone. Gone to a place where he was never coming back.

Joe wasn't going to give up on Tanner, not until the bitter end. Even if that end would come a lot sooner than they both would have liked.

Time would only tell the amount of time Tanner had left.

Something told Joe, it wasn't going to be very long. He expected a week, maybe two.

After a couple minutes of pure silence, Tanner spoke.

"Joe, no matter what, you'll be fine. And today was one of the best days I've had in such a long time. Thanks for being the greatest friend anyone could ask for. These past few years would have been horrible without you, none of it would have been worth it." Tanner spoke truthfully, Joe was his best friend, and as a best friend Joe made everything better. Joe smiled a little, nodding his head at what Tanner was saying.

"I just need you to know how much you mean to me, Tanner." Joe said softly.

"I do know, Joe." Tanner smiled.

Joe just nodded, having nothing to say at that moment in time.

Joe switched his gaze from his lap to the boy beside him, finally noticing his appearance. He was thin and pale, so much skinnier than before, skinnier than ever before. He looked unhappy, but he was just sick, there was nothing that could save him. God already made his decision, and that was just how things were going to be.

Tanners life was ending.

And as sad and harsh as that reality was, Joe just had to accept it. There wasn't anything he could do, but accept the fact that soon his best friend, wouldn't be here.

They gave one last final hug before Tanner got out of the car and ran to his house, and as soon as the front door shut, and the light from the porch diminished, Joe put his head down and cried into his steering wheel. He didn't want things to end up like this, and he didn't like thinking about it this way. He just wanted Tanner to live, a full and happy life. But they both knew it wasn't going to happen like that. Tanner was just too far gone.

And that killed Joe inside.

How would you feel if your best friend was dying of cancer?

Exactly.

Joe eventually backed out of the driveway and headed towards his house. He pulled into the driveway and wiped his eyes, not waiting any kind of confrontation about why he was crying, and he got out of the car. As soon as he unlocked the door the loud squeals and cheers from the living room erupted, being as the Yankee's game was on and most of the family was gathered around the television watching.

Joe just shook his head and walked upstairs to his only sacred place.

His room.

Filled with pictures and posters, of his friends and girls he wanted to marry, like Jessica Simpson and other beautiful women.

Of course those were just fantasies.

A soft sigh exited his perfect lips as he pulled off his shirt and jeans, and as soon as he laid down his mind was racing, thoughts of all kinds running around.

How was Tanner?

Is he alright?

And a million more questions, just like them.

If Joe could save Tanners life, he would, in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, saving a life isn't so simple. Especially if the one you want to save, has a terminal illness. And illness that would take the young man's life without a second thought, or any feeling of regret.

But what if the disease, the illness, what if thats not what would kill the young soul?

What happens when the young boy has had enough pain in his life, and he wanted to just end things, knowing they would only get worse?

Is that what this tragic tale has come to? Resorting to ending your own life? Because the pain that you've felt trying to get better, is all the pain you want, and when you're better, you know that its only gong to get worse, and in fear of not being able to handle the amounts of pain, you just give up? And take the easy way out?

Would you do that? To keep from going through the radiation, and chemotherapy?

Does the idea of ending your own life cross your mind once? I mean, if you work so hard, trying to be better, whats the point in giving it all up now?

What if the answer is because you can't take it anymore?

Or perhaps you're tired of putting your family and friends through the pain of seeing you hurt?

What if you're just unhappy and decided you were done being in the cruel world, and wanted to live forever in a place where pain wasn't a thought, because that sounds better than the pain you have endured on this long journey of eighteen years. And feeling as though it wasn't worth it anymore, you did what you thought you had to do.

Just go with me here, picture yourself.

Pale, and sick, I'm pain, and unhappy. Walking around your room, pacing almost. Thoughts racing through your mind. Some good, others not so good.

Then picture lightning striking out your window, and you jump just as the thunder crackles in the distance.

Are you staying with me?

Picture thinking about not having a life, not having a wife, or husband, no kids, no love. And suddenly the thoughts you were trying so hard to push away, you begged to come back. You aren't sure how, but you're now sitting on your bed, tying a strong rope into a familiar knot, a noose, to be more specific.

Have you stayed with me?

Good.

Now close your eyes and imagine yourself, securing that rope around the ceiling fan in your room, or perhaps a beam, going across your ceiling. Just anything strong enough, to hold your weight.

And now, picture yourself sanding on your computer chair, holding a piece of paper in your hand. With two small words scribbled down across it. I'm sorry. Thats all that needed to be said, and it would be okay.

To just remind you of something, you just lied to your best friend, by telling him the doctors didn't give you much longer to live.

Even if what they truly said was that the cancer was in remission.

Sure, you would have to go and get regular check-ups to make sure it didn't come back. And there was a chance it would come back. Meaning you'd have to do all the chemotherapy and everything like that, again.

But what if you weren't able to handle that?

So now you're standing on that chair, as I said before. You're scared, and crying softly, careful not to wake up your mom, dad, and brother. You slide your head through the little loop, made just big enough so that your head could fit.

But you have a second thought.

You think you don't really want to do this.

This is just a bad time, and you don't want to die.

After all life is what you've been fighting for, since freshman year.

You go to back out of the situation, but loud thunder cracks in the distance and you jump, sliding the chair out from under your feet, and leaving you hanging there. You thrash, and move violently, but you cant seem to break free from the situation. You try to call for help, pulling at the rope wrapped around your neck.

But soon the air is gone, and you find yourself light headed. You move your legs, thinking it will help, but it doesn't. And everything around you disappears..

Did you follow me through all that? Was it scary for you?

It was scary for Tanner too, the last moments of his life were an accident. A painful accident.

And the next morning, when Tanners mother walked in his room, with a plate full of food, she was frightened by the sight before her eyes.

There he was.

His feet dangling off the ground, the piece of paper at his feet, and he was moving, ever so slowly, yes, he was dead. But there was a draft from the window coming in.

A scream fell from her lips as she dropped the plate of food at her feet.

Her son was gone, Tanner, was no more.

Her husband came running to her as quick as he could, and when he saw his wife drop to her knees, he looked into the room, seeing his son. He nearly had a heart attack, he ran to the living room, grabbing the house phone and calling 911.

And as sirens roared throughout the quiet, usually undisturbed, neighborhood hood. Joe felt his heart drop. He thought Tanner had gone last night, no, he knew Tanner had gone last night. He thought it was peacefully though, while he was sleeping.

But he was wrong.

And after days passed, hearts broken, and phone calls were made. After the heart breaking ceremony, and the tear worthy funeral reception.

After the speeches, and the gathering.

Joe was no where to be found.

His brothers looked everywhere. It was hard to tell when Joe was gone now, because he wasn't the same Joe. He was cold hearted, and quiet.

They finally heard a soft guitar playing.

Shortly after they heard a voice, they heard Joe's voice.

I know he's living in hell every single day, and so I ask oh God is there someway for me to take his place? And when they say it's all touch and go, I wish I could make it go away.

But still you say, will you think that you're all alone, when no ones there to hold your hand? When all you know seems so far away, and everything is temporary, rest your head. I'm permanent, I'm permanent.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye? Forgive my, promise that you'll see me cry..

And with that last phrase, Joe broke down, he cried until he couldn't cry anymore, until he couldn't breathe even.

His brothers heard the sobs and walked away, leaving Joe to mourn on his own, without any interruptions, because they knew thats what he wanted.

Tanner was his best friend, and now his best friend was no longer there.

It was tragic, because Joe's world, was turned upside down, and wouldn't ever be normal again.