The Words I Thought I Would Never Say

It felt like it had been ages since we returned home from the camping trip when in reality it had only been a matter of days. Things had been pretty boring around the Sanders' household and I was sort of happy for the peace and quiet that had settled over the fort. It had been three days since I last saw Brian, and Riley was beginning to ask why he hadn't been around as much as the other guys. To be honest, I didn’t know the answer to that question and I don't think Matt did either.

"Mommy! Uncle Matt won't leave me alone!" Riley screamed as she ran down the hallway and into the living room where I was lying on the couch resting. She squealed as she climbed up onto the couch and hid herself on my stomach. Matt came running after her and leaped on top of us, earning an 'oomph' sound from me on the bottom. His fingers attacked Riley's side as he tickled her mercilessly.

Riley laughed and reached her small arms up to try and push off one of Matt's giant ones. "Uncle Matt you're squishing me!"

"I am not, I'm squishing your mom."

"Oh gee thanks." I huffed out as I gave him a sarcastic look.

The sound of Matt's phone ringing in the background ceased our mini fight. "This isn't over missy."

"You know it mister!" Riley retorted as Matt grunted and rolled off of Riley and myself before trudging through the house to where his phone was. Riley let out a sigh and rolled so that her small arms could wrap around my stomach halfway. "Mommy I love you and Uncle Matt."

My heart instantly soared. I was convinced that one of the best feelings in the world was being told you were loved by your child. Every time Riley told me that, I would get the chills and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It truly was one of the world's best emotions. "Aw baby. We both love you too. So very much." I told her and then leant down to place a very soft kiss against the top of her head.

"Jade, we've got a problem." Matt said to me as he stuck his head through the doorway, his phone still glued to his ear. The look on his face told me he was being serious and that this was something important.

Matt went back into the kitchen and I heard him continue to talk on the phone to however it was.

He came back out a few minutes later and Riley and I were now sitting up waiting to hear what had gone wrong this time around. "Brian's in the hospital."

"He's what?!" I asked loudly as Riley let out a small gasp as she brought her small hands up to cover her mouth.

"He was a fucking dumbass again!" He yelled as he threw his tattooed arms in the air. "Sorry for the language Riles. He and Jimmy went out to a strip club last night and got wasted. On the way out to a cab he tripped off the fucking curb and broke his ankle. Then once they got him to the hospital they had to pump his stomach because he was almost to the point of having fucking alcohol poisoning! I'm going to kill him."

"Matt, calm down. Riley, why don't you go upstairs and change into something other than your pajamas so we can go visit him?" I suggested knowing that Matt was going to explode any minute at the stupidity of his friend. She nodded and took off running up the stairs to our bedroom. As soon as we heard the door shut Matt's temper flared.

"What the fuck was he thinking? Going to a fucking strip club! He told me he had given that up! And then to be so fucking stupid as to trip off a curb! I'm going to kill him. He had no business going there. None."

"Matt, this is Brian we're talking about."

"And that's the problem! You do know why he goes to strip clubs right Jade? He goes to pick up whores that he can take home and fuck. He uses his rock star status to get into the vip rooms there. I seriously was thinking he had changed. I thought he now had a reason to." He said softly as he shook his head in disappointment.

"What do you mean he had a reason to?" I asked curiously. I was really lost as to what Matt was referring to.

"Nothing Jade. It's just something he and I had been talking about. Don't worry about it." The disappointment in his voice was startling. I had never known Matt to be disappointed in Brian before. They were best friends and were often lots of trouble together.

Matt walked out of the room and this left me to ponder what he had been talking about. Even though he had told me it was nothing I knew it was something otherwise Matt wouldn’t have been so upset. It was sort of disheartening to hear Brian had gone to a strip club. I was really beginning to think he had changed some. I mean in some ways he had, but apparently not entirely. If he was still going after girls to take home then I had obviously gotten the wrong impression somewhere along the way. I was actually beginning to think that he cared about me and might have actually liked me.

"I'm ready mom." Riley said quietly as she walked down the stairs with her small black converse shoes in her hand. She was decked out in one of Brian's custom made Syn Gates t-shirts he had gotten for her and a pair of blue jeans.

I lifted her up onto the couch and squatted in front of her so I could put her shoes on for her. "Is he alright? Do you think it will make Brian happy that I'm wearing one of his shirts?" She asked softly as sorrow filled her eyes.

"I don't know if he's alright babe. I'm sure he is. I just think it's going to take him some time to recover. And I think it will make him very happy to see you in one of his shirts baby girl." I told her as I knotted both shoes and she jumped down. Matt came back with his car keys in hand and his black Hurley hat placed on top of his head. His aviators were folded onto his shirt neck and he looked ready to go. An agitated look was set across his facial features and I knew he wasn't in a good mood at all.

He leant down and picked Riley up for me. The three of us walked out of the house together and headed toward Matt's car.

This was going to be a long day.

***

Brian's Pov

The beeping of the monitors in my room was really beginning to piss me off to no end. I let out a frustrated sigh as I looked around to see that Jimmy had since left the room and I was now alone.

How could I have been so stupid? I promised Matt I'd stop and I broke that promise last night. I broke it big time and I knew I was in for a world of trouble when he showed up.

"Hey man." Zacky said as he opened the door and waltzed in.

"Hey." I said hoarsely. I groaned as I tried to shift in the bed but only succeeded in hurting my broken ankle more. I was well aware of what had happened last night. The doctors had told me and Zacky had made it perfectly clear that I was in pretty bad shape.

"I just got off the phone with Matt. They're on their way."

"Damn it." I grumbled as I allowed my head to flop back against the crunchy pillow. I hated hospitals.

"Why'd you go Brian? Damn it! I thought you said…"

"I know what I said!" I yelled. "Alright? I know what I fucking said! And I meant what I fucking said! I don't know why I went. I really wasn't planning on bringing a girl home. That was Jimmy. I went along because I needed to get out of the house." I lied.

Zacky saw right through it and gave me a murderous glare. "Bullshit." He scoffed. "You've gone with him every night since we got back from camping. Don't think I don't know Syn. I know your game and I won't allow you to string them along for the ride! You make up your fucking mind or I won't hesitate to step in and make it up for you."

As calm and collected as Zacky normally was he really was capable of scaring me when he was angry. When Zacky made a threat it usually meant he wouldn't hesitate to follow through on it. And when it came to people he cared about you knew he was dead serious about it.

A soft knock came from the door and Zacky looked to the door and then back to me. He gave me a knowing look and nodded. "Come in." I said loud enough for whoever was on the opposite side to hear.

The door opened and Matt stepped through with his arms crossed over his chest. Without saying a word he marched in and plopped in one of the chairs. Jade had been standing behind him and was trying hard to get Riley into the room apparently. "It's ok Riles. It's just Brian and Zacky in here." The small girl I had come to adore poked her head around her mom's leg and surveyed the room. She had a nervous look about her and I was gathering that she didn't like the hospital any more than I did.

Riley stepped aside and came into full view. Her small arms were clutching a bouquet of red and black flowers in front of her that almost hid her face because they were so big.

"Go ahead." Jade whispered to her daughter. Riley took a step toward the bed and I gave her a reassuring smile. She was so cute. She let out a small sniffle and walked forward the rest of the way. "These are for you Brian." She said quietly. "I asked mommy if we could bring you flowers to make you feel better."

I smiled down at the toddler as she stood beside my bed with the flowers. "Thank you baby girl. Can you set them on the table right there for me?" She nodded and placed the flowers on the side table. Zacky reached behind her and placed them in a jar of water that I hadn't noticed before.

Riley's eyes held concern and I looked down at her right as she looked up at me. "Are you alright Brian? I was worried you had forgotten about us." Well if that didn't make me feel guilty than I don't know what would.

I motioned for Zacky to pick her up and set her on the bed beside me. She sat there cross legged and I contemplated what I was going to say to her that wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I hadn't forgotten about them. It was actually quite the opposite. They had been on my mind non-stop since we got home.

A shooting pain went up my leg and began to settle in my broken bone. This was the perfect excuse to get the two men giving me death glares out of the room. "Dude can someone go get a nurse? I need more pain medicine." I mumbled. Zacky nodded and stood up. He grabbed Matt by the arm and forced him up as well. Zacky could tell I needed to talk to Jade and Riley alone.

Matt gave me a look saying that I had better not pull any funny shit before the two of them disappeared through the door.

"I'm alright babe and no I didn't forget about you. I've just been busy lately." Her small blue eyes lowered to her lap.

"Oh."

I moved my eyes from her to her mother who had been sitting silently in the chair by the door. She had a disapproving look etched onto her features and I knew Matt had told her what had happened. With Matt's temper he had probably yelled it at her rather than explained it. Something told me that Matt wasn't about to let this go.

"I'm really sorry I was busy hun. How about when I get better I'll take you and your mom out to dinner one night?" Riley's eyes narrowed suspiciously at me.

"Can we go to the place on the beach in the water?"

"Ruby's? If that's where you want to go then that's where I'll take you." I nodded knowing that was one of her favorite restaurants. Riley was very much like Jade and Matt in the sense that all three of them could spend all day at the beach. The Sanders family was definitely an ocean driven family much like my own was. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in Southern California.

Riley's eyes lit up in excitement as she nodded. "Okay!"

"Riley?" Zacky's voice rang through the room as he poked his head through the door. "Are you hungry babe?"

"Sort of yes."

"Alright why don't you come with me and we'll go get you something to eat down in the cafeteria?" He stepped fully into the room and came over to pick Riley up from the bed. He gave both Jade and I a knowing look before he and Riley disappeared from the room.

I guess it was now or never.

Jade's Pov

"Why'd you do it Brian?" I asked sadly as I stood up and went to sit beside his bed. He looked so battered and worn. There was little life in his eyes and I knew the almost alcohol poisoning had really worn his body down.

"I don't know." He admitted sadly. I reached out and grabbed a hold of his hand, being careful to avoid touching the iv that was running into his veins.

"Damn it Brian! Look at you! You look like death warmed over and you're hooked up to these machines in a hospital all because you wanted to go out and hook up with random girls!" I cried as a few tears fell down my cheeks. As much as he frustrated me I hated seeing him like this. I didn't get why he chose this lifestyle. I didn’t get why he was so hung up over not being in a relationship. But most of all I didn't get why I wasn't enough for him just when I thought I was reaching that point.

"I didn't go out to hook up with random girls! I promise Jade. I didn't. Not that it matters to you anyway." He added in an annoyed tone.

"What do you mean not that it matters to me? It does matter to me!" I cried as he tried to sit up straighter.

"Oh yeah? Why? So you can rag on me about my choice of lifestyle?"

"Because I care about you! That's why! And I know damn well that Riley just adores you." Brian just laughed.

"You care? If you cared then why didn't you call me? I know Riley likes me but damn she's got four other guys she can look up to."

I sighed and shook my head in disappointment. He wasn't realizing what I meant. "Brian I don't think you realize this but Riley sees you as a father figure. I hate to admit that to you but she does. I can see it in her eyes. She comes to life when you're around. Riley has never had many people she can look up to but I know she looks up to you the most. She's done nothing but ask about you since we've been back from the trip."

"Why are you making all of this about Riley? Riley cares. Riley misses you. Riley's asked about you." He paused and gave my hand a small squeeze as tears continued to pour from my eyes. "What about you Jade?"

I knew about me, I just didn't want to admit anything to him.

"I care about you more than I'd like to Brian. Ever since that trip I just… I just don’t know. Seeing Riley with you makes me happy and over the trip, for the first time, I really enjoyed being around you. You may have been a pain in my ass but I've missed you this week."

"You like me." He smirked finally piecing everything together.

"But I don't want to!" I whined with a sniffle.

"Why not?" Brian asked with a hint of sadness in his hoarse voice. "What's so bad about me?"

"You're a womanizer! I can't be with someone like you. I can't. I need to do what's best for Riley and I honestly already worried about her being around you guys to begin with."

Brian seemed to comprehend what I was saying quickly. He knew Jade was careful about the men she associated with but it never fully occurred to him why. Now it did.

"Jade look at me." I raised my eyes from my lap and locked them with his brown ones. "Jade you're an amazing mom. I don't think any of us doubt that. But you need to realize that sometimes what's best for you is also what's best for Riley and I think you're smart enough to distinguish between the good and the bad."

"Well apparently that wasn't the case with Mike." I muttered, earning a sigh from Brian.

"No Jade. That's a prime example. You knew there was something off about that douchebag and that's why you were smart enough to keep Riles away from him."

He was right. I did do a good job at keeping Riley away from Mike because I knew there was the possibility of trouble forming.

"And obviously you see something in me because you've let me get close to the one thing you hold dear to you. I can't thank you enough for that Jade because without you and that little girl I probably would still be picking up random girls to bring home and fuck."

"So then let me ask, why did you go to the strip club? And I want the honest answer this time."

Brian's hand tensed around my own and I saw his demeanor change. He looked uncomfortable about the subject but just as he had been, I expected him to be honest. He pursed his lips but I gave him a reassuring smile after I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I went to relieve myself of my thoughts. I was confused and Jimmy called me up to ask if I wanted to go the first night we got home. I said sure. I hadn't been to a strip joint in ages and figured maybe it could help me forget about some stuff going on. I honestly wasn't planning on bringing any girls home and I know it's going to be hard to convince Matt of that. In the past that's the only reason I would go there. I would pick up girls and bring them back to my place. But something changed when I met you."

"What do you mean something changed?" I asked, puzzled. How could I have changed Brian?

"Something changed when you and Riley rolled into my life. It's something I can't explain. You just have to take my word for it."

I propped my elbows up on the edge of the bed and clasped his hand inside of both of my own. I placed the big fist of hands against my forehead. My eyes easily closed as I tried to comprehend all that had been exchanged between Brian and I. I had told him I did sort of like him but he hadn't said it back that I could gather. Somehow Riley and I were special to him but I didn’t know exactly how. Brian was still as mysterious as before in my book.

"You're thinking too hard. I can tell." He said deeply as he pulled our hands away from my forehead and brought them to rest in his lap.

"What do we have between us Brian? Where is this going for us?" He let out a heavy sigh. I looked up into his eyes and saw the seriousness in them.

"Jade I want to be there for you and Riley. I want to be someone you two can rely on and can trust. I would love to be the father figure in Riley's life but I know in order for that to happen you and I need to settle our differences. I like you Jade, I always have. Why do you think Matt's always been so protective of you when I'm around? He's known for ages."

His eyes never left mine while he spoke. I could tell he had more to say but he was starting to look uncomfortable about whatever it was. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally stumbling over his words.

"I never thought I'd say this, but…" He trailed off looking slightly embarrassed.

"But what?"

"Never mind." He shook his head softly.

"Oh no you don't! Tell me."

"I can't. Now's not the time. Maybe some other time down the road." I gaped at him truly curious as to what he wanted to tell me.

Before I could retort and continue to question him on the matter he asked me a question that caught me slightly off guard. "Will you go out with me sometime? I know I promised Riley I'd take you guys out but would you maybe, like to go on a date with just me?"

I blinked rapidly for a moment trying to digest the words in my brain. Brian had just asked me out on a date. Should I say yes? Or should I say no? I didn't really see any harm in going out on a date with him, just so long as Matt would watch Riley for me, which of course he would. Matt, of all people, wanted me to find a guy to be a part of Riley's and my life. He could tell I needed someone and I didn't really see him saying no to a guy he knew all too well. He would be concerned about Brian's bachelor life dedication but I think after talking with Brian today the air had cleared a bit on the matter.

"I'd love to go out with you sometime. But so help me Brian if you screw me over and run off with some blonde bimbo from a club I will not hesitate to castrate you in your sleep." I warned with a good naturedly chuckle at the end. His face lit up slightly and he added a deep laugh of his own which ended in a cough.

He smiled and gave my hand a gentle squeeze right as the door opened and our entire group of friends entered. Kacie, Johnny, and Jimmy had since joined Matt, Zacky, and Riley as everyone filed into the room. Riley was still in Zacky's strong arms and the minute she saw Brian and I she squealed and asked to be put down.

Matt was looking at our intertwined hands skeptically but when I smiled at him he lightened up and returned the gesture.

Kacie was giving me a knowing look. She was probably the only one who could piece together what had happened on account of she was a woman and she was very in tune with these sort of things.

"The nurse said she'd be in shortly." Matt's gruff voice said as he sat down in the chair beside me protectively. He lifted Riley up onto the bed and she carefully wrapped her arms around Brian as best she could without hurting him.

"Bout time." Brian grumbled. "I hate hospitals."

"And don't you just love those gowns? Good thing you don't have to get up and walk." Jimmy snickered with an evil grin. Brian's free hand tightly clutched the blanket that was on top of him, making sure it wasn't going anywhere which made us all laugh.

"Aw come on. I'd love to see him get up and try to use crutches. That coupled with his bare as…umm butt would totally complete my day." Johnny said as he sat down and pulled Kacie into his lap snugly.

I could only roll my eyes and laugh as the guys continued to laugh and joke about Brian's predicament. "All I know is if I have to pee you're all leaving the room." He retorted with a glare.

Brian had yet to let go of my hand all the while. The nurses came in and gave him more pain pills for his leg and also switched out his fluids that were entering his body after having his stomach pumped. My heart just ached as I sat and watched him. Riley had fallen asleep against his side and he was holding her close to his warm body. The corners of my lips tugged up ever so slightly and I hoped that no one caught it. Brian however did. He brought up one of his hands and pushed a small piece of Riley's blonde hair out of her eyes before he gave me a grin.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid our visiting hours are just about over. You all can come back tomorrow morning if you'd like. Mr. Haner's going to be here for at least another day and I'm sure he'd welcome the company." The nurse that had entered said as Brian's face contorted into a scowl at the mention of having to stay for another day.

The gang all said their goodbyes and soon it was just Matt, myself and Riley left in the room. Matt carefully picked up Riley from Brian's bed and she wrapped her arms around his neck in her sleep as she placed her head on his broad shoulder.

"Haner, you and I have some talking to do." Matt told his friend firmly.

"I know dude." Brian said with a yawn. "Goodnight guys."

"Night man." Matt said to his friend with a nod of his head.

"See you tomorrow Brian." I said as I started to stand up. I tried to pull my hand away but he wouldn't let go. He beckoned me closer to him and when I leaned down he brought a hand up and pressed it against my cheek. Pulling my face closer to his, he pressed his lips against my other cheek in a soft kiss.

"Goodnight Jade. Thank you."

I brought my now unoccupied hand up to my cheek and held it there for a moment.

"Goodnight Brian." I said before walking from the room rather confused.

How was it that within a week we had gone from him irritating the crap out of me to us admitting that we had some sort of feelings for each other? It sort of scared me when I really thought about it.

Could Brian and I make things work? Or would this just end in disaster like things did with Mike? Would Matt understand and back us? What would Riley think? Could Brian hold his end of the deal?

And most importantly, why did I feel like a million fireworks had been set off in my chest when Brian kissed my cheek?