The Words I Thought I Would Never Say

Brian's Pov

"Brian." Riley whispered as she poked my thigh softly. I stared down at my phone that I was texting away on, replying to the message I had just gotten from Jade.

"Yeah babe?" I questioned as I tore my gaze from my phone and redirected it to the toddler who was standing in front of me, hopping from one foot to the other lightly.

"I have to go potty."

My eyes blinked a few times as I registered what she was saying. "Oh. Alright babe."

She grabbed onto my hand and pulled me down the hallway of my house and to the bathroom. "Wait here." She said as we reached the door. I nodded and watched her go inside before closing the door behind her.

Leaning up against the wall opposite the door I grinned at the little toddler that had wormed her way into my heart and life.

Big bad Brian Haner Junior was now officially a softie in the eyes of the fans. Somehow word had gotten out that I was seeing Jade, whom they all knew to be Matt's cousin, and packaged with Jade came Riley, Matt's little niece. It shocked me how the fans always seemed to know what was going on in our lives. But what surprised me even more was the fact that no one had bitched about it. They didn't complain that Synyster Gates had gone soft, or that he now practically had a family, or that he was taken off of the market. Surprisingly, most of the fans supported me and my new relationship status.

A week or so ago some photos had leaked onto the internet of the three of us out together. We had been on the pier and Riley was holding one of my hands and one of Jade's and was proceeding to run and jump into the air where we would then lift her up so she would be carried forward. According to many fansites, the smile I had on my face in that picture was one they hadn't seen in quite sometime.

Apparently, me being happy made them happy too and that was the way I liked it to be.

"Brian! I need help now!" Riley's voice called to me through the closed door.

I chuckled and went into the bathroom so I could help her finish up.

"When will mommy be back?" She questioned as I lifted her up so she could wash her hands in the sink.

"She said she would be back later on babe."

"Where did she go again?" She questioned further as she dried her hands on my black hand towel.

"She went out with Kacie babe. They went out shopping for a girl's day."

Riley pouted up at me as we exited the bathroom and went back toward the living room. "Why didn't I get to go? I'm a girl too."

I sat down on the couch and lifted Riley up so she could sit beside me. She twisted so she was sitting on her knees and was facing me directly. "Your mommy just needed a bit of a break hun. She thought you would get bored going shopping. You know how she and Kacie can be sometimes. Are you saying you don't like hanging out with me for the day?" Now I decided it was my turn to pout.

Riley giggled and launched herself up and onto me where she hugged me tightly. "Turn that frown upside down Mister." She said sternly before breaking out in a fit of giggles again. "Of course I like hanging out with you Brian!" She pecked my cheek and sat on my lap with her arms still wrapped around me the best they could despite our size difference.

My nerves peaked as I realized I needed to talk to Riley about my plans soon. That was part of the reason I shooed Jade out with Kacie for the day and I needed to make the most of it while I could. Kacie had done me a huge favor by taking her out and she assured me they wouldn’t be back until later on. I had plenty of time.

"Riley babe, I have something important I want to talk to you about. Would you want to go get some ice cream on the beach and we can chat?"

The little girl's eyes lit up at the mention of ice cream and I truly thought those were the only words that processed in her brain. "Yeah! Let's go! Right now! Go, go, go!"

I watched as Riley hopped off of the couch and started pulling on my arm to get me to stand up. I hadn't been planning on going right now but I might as well get it over with.

Over the past few months, Jade and I had talked about possibly getting married one day. When we saw just how well our relationship was working out we both sat down and decided maybe we were ready for something more permanent. The only thing that was making Jade hesitant was how Riley felt. It was obvious to everyone else that Riley would be more then happy to have me as her father officially. She already saw me as that role in her life. Because of that I was suspicious that maybe Jade had an ulterior motive.

Personally, I thought she was scared. I think she might have been scared of commitment. Once we were married there really was no turning back, especially when it came to Riley. That little girl had been through so much and we both weren't about to add more to the list.

"Come on Brian! You're being a slowpoke." Riley informed me as we reached the door and she let go of my hands so she could put her little flip flops on. I gaped at the little human in front of me and couldn’t believe she had called me a slowpoke.

Riley grunted and huffed. "Do I have to do everything? Even I can put my own shoes on Brian but I guess you can't." She bent down and picked up my pair of flip flops before sliding them toward me with an expectant look on her face.

She was sure an impatient thing when it came to ice cream.

I stepped into my flip flops and snagged my car keys off my wooden stand beside my door just in time for Riley to pull me out the front door. I was barely able to shut and lock the door behind me before I was being pulled down the driveway to my black bmw.

Riley threw open the back door and climbed into the backseat and into her booster seat, waiting for me to buckle her in. I pulled the seat belt across her lap and clipped the buckle so it was secure. I pushed the door shut before walking around to the driver's side and getting in.

"Brian can we listen to your cd?" Riley asked as I pulled out of my driveway and headed for the beach.

"Sure thing little lady." I ejected the current cd I had in and replaced it with our self titled album which seemed to be one of Riley's favorites currently.

Glancing in the rearview mirror I saw Riley was mouthing the words but wasn't actually singing them out loud. "Riley babe, you can sing you know." I told her as I glanced at the road and then back at her through the mirror again.

"Oh!" She said, shocked that I had seen what she was doing. "No that's ok. I don't sing as well as Uncle Matt does."

A frown overwhelmed my facial expression. How could she think she doesn’t sing well? "That doesn't matter hun. I'm sure your singing is beautiful. Not to mention I hear your Uncle Matt sing all the time. I'd like a change. Sing for me? Please?"

Riley let out a small sigh and I saw her nod before I pressed on the gas now that the light had turned green.

Ever so slowly a grin broke out on my face as Riley started to sing softly to Critical Acclaim. She didn’t quite know all the lyrics and so she improvised here and there but it was probably one of the most adorable things I've heard in a very long time. By the way she sang I could tell she loved Matt's voice. She tried to sing everything just as he did.

"Hey Brian?" She paused halfway through the song and asked. "Why don't you ever sing on the cd?"

I smiled softly and looked at her in the mirror yet again. "Because babe, Matt's better and it's hard to sing and play guitar at the same time."

Her little brain worked to piece together my answer for a moment before she looked confused and started to question me again. "But Brian, you sing and play guitar to me at night when I go to sleep. You can do it."

Smart cookie.

"Well, you're right. But it's easier when we go play shows for other people if Matt sings. And I think people like his voice better. It's deeper then mine."

"I know mommy likes your voice." She mumbled softly making me turn around fully once we reached another red light. "She once told me that she wished you would sing a song for her because she loved how you sing for me."

This piqued my interest and I made a mental note to remember that. Very rarely would Jade tell me things she wanted. But I knew for a fact she always told Riley. She figured Riley wouldn’t tell. I knew Jade didn’t want to look needy and that she thought she was sometimes asking for too much. The guys and I however thought just the opposite.

I couldn’t wait to make her my wife and then I could spoil these two girls rotten without having to have an excuse.

"Did she say that? Well I'll have to sing her a song sometime then. But don't you tell her missy." I said sternly with a tad of a joking tone.

I pulled us into the beach parking lot and climbed out of the car before going to help Riley out. She practically leaped out of her seat and out of the car before she began bouncing on the soles of her feet while she waited for me to lock it and shove the keys into my pocket.

She held her small arms up to me and I bent down and hoisted her up into my arms. Situating her on my hip, she wrapped her arms around my neck as we walked into the shopping area.

It wasn't but a few minutes before we reached the small dessert café that we frequented often as a band and as a family. The small shop was family owned and the lady that ran it had practically seen us all grow up. She was also close friends with my parents.

"Well, if it isn't Brian Haner! I haven't seen you in ages." Lucy exclaimed from behind the counter as she brushed back some of her graying hair.

"Good to see you too Lucy. How have you been? Where's John?" I asked in reference to her husband who was usually seen here running the shop with her.

"Been pretty good young man. Unfortunately can't say the same for John. He fell off a ladder the other day and broke his ankle." She explained with a roll of her brown eyes. "So he's home lazing on the couch."

I couldn’t help but laugh, knowing exactly how that went having been there myself. "Been there, done that." I laughed and told her with a smile as I sat Riley down on one of the blue cushioned barstools that were placed at the counter.

Lucy gave me a skeptical look before she took in Riley's appearance for a moment. "And who do we have here?" She asked kindly as she leaned over toward Riley.

"I'm Riley!" She said excitedly as she bounced on the seat.

"Well aren't you gorgeous. I didn’t know you had a daughter Brian." Lucy told me as she straightened up and looked at me.

"Well, Riley is actually the daughter of Jade, Matt's cousin turned sister." I chuckled. "But she might as well be my daughter now. Jade and I are together actually." I explained to Lucy as she reached into the freezer with an ice cream scoop and brought out a big scoop of mint chocolate chip which she knew to be my all time favorite.

"Oh Brian." She gushed. "I'm so happy for you! It's about time you found yourself a decent girl. I had just about had it with you and all those random nobodies you would bring in every now and then."

Lucy placed the ice cream on a cone and passed it to me before turning to Riley. "What'll it be hun?"

Riley's eyes lit up with excitement as she began to bounce in her seat again. She must have realized what she was doing though because she stopped and sat up straight. "Chocolate please!"

Lucy nodded and got a scoop of chocolate and placed it on yet another crunchy cone. Riley's gaze never once left the woman as she turned around and began to douse the ice cream cone in rainbow sprinkles.

The smile on Riley's face only seemed to grow with each second as more and more sprinkles were added to the ice cream cone. This was going to call for a lot of napkins.

Lucy turned back around and handed the cone to Riley who was looking like she was about to explode with excitement. I pulled out some napkins from the dispenser and sat them on the counter before I pulled out my wallet.

A hand was held up in front of me when I tried to hand Lucy my credit card. "It's on me hun. You and your little girl just go have fun. It's good to see you so happy finally."

"Are you sure?" I asked guiltily as I put my card back in my wallet and placed it back into the back pocket of my tan cargo shorts.

"Positive hun. Just stop by more often. And bring your girl in sometime. I'd like to meet the keeper."

I picked Riley back up into my free arm and nodded to Lucy. "I will. Thanks Lucy. Tell John I hope he gets better and not to drive you nuts." Lucy just sighed and nodded. She sure was a sweet lady.

"Thank you Lucy!" Riley called from over my shoulder as she waved with her arm that wasn't holding her ice cream cone.

When we got outside I set Riley down and we started to walk across the street to find a bench along the walkway.

Riley reached up and grabbed my hand as we waited for the crosswalk signal to turn for us and the fifty million other people who were spending the day at the beach. Her little foot tapped a random beat I noticed as we waited. She began to lick the sprinkles off of her ice cream and I noticed a drop fell to the ground making her frown. "You've got to eat a little faster if you don't want it to drip." I chuckled down at her. She looked up at me with her tongue stuck out on the ice cream before she gave me a nod and started to frantically lick all the dripping spots.

I let out a deep laugh and shook my head. "But you don't have to inhale it."

"But it won't stop dripping!"

"That's because it's ice cream silly goose." I said as I licked away at my own cone.

The light turned for us and we started to cross the street along with the mass of people that were surrounding us. I led us down the large sidewalk and finally found a bench that wasn't occupied by a couple making out or a beach bum just hanging out.

I let go of Riley's hand and picked her up so she could sit on the bench. Taking a seat beside her I felt my nerves start to increase. I sure don't get why I was nervous. This was only Riley I was talking to. What guy would get nervous about talking to an almost four year old?

Synyster Gates would, that's who.

"So what did you want to talk to me about Brian?" Riley asked softly as she inspected her cone closely for any sprinkles she may have missed on the first go around.

How in the world did I approach the subject? Did I just flat out tell her what I wanted? What if she didn’t know what it meant? It was probably better to first figure out what all she knew about the subject.

"Well, Riley, do you know what it means when people get married?"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her turn her head to look at me carefully. "Kind of." She said skeptically. "Isn't that when two people go to church and dress up all pretty and become a mommy and a daddy?"

I chuckled slightly as I picked up a napkin and wiped a big smudge of chocolate off of her small cheek. Sure have no idea how that got there but that's one of the marvels of toddlers. They're unpredictable.

"Sort of baby. When two people love each other they go get married and then they're basically stuck together forever. They live together, and have a family together. When they have kids then they become a mom and a dad."

I took in a deep breath and sighed hoping she was possibly getting at where I was going. "Riley I love both you and your mom very much. I'd like to become more of a permanent member of your family but I want to make sure that you're alright with it first."

The cone that was left in Riley's hands slowly slipped out and fell to the concrete ground with a dull thunk. I went to pick it up for her but she launched herself at me and made me drop what was left of my own cone.

With wide eyes she held my face between her hands as she stared directly at me while I held her in my arms so she wouldn’t fall. "You mean you want to marry mommy? And then you would be my daddy?" Her voice was extremely quiet and I could tell there was sincerity behind the young girl's words.

A gulp forced its way down my throat as I weakly nodded my head to confirm what she had said.

Silently in my mind I said a prayer that she wouldn't lash out and all of a sudden decide she hated me because I was going to take her mommy away from her. Toddlers, I had learned, were quite unpredictable and sometimes they could take things the wrong way.

They prayer I had been silently saying was suddenly stopped mid sentence when Riley threw her arms around me and squeezed my neck tightly. I wrapped my arms around her back tighter as she buried her face into my neck further. I was still at a loss as I tried to figure out if she was hugging me or trying to squeeze the life from me.

My eyes widened as I suddenly felt small wet drops fall onto my neck. After a moment of confusion I realized Riley was crying and the waterworks were running down my skin and onto the neck of my shirt.

"I'm so happy Brian." She whispered as she sniffled gently, not removing her face from its buried position yet. "I know mommy will say yes and then I'll finally have a real daddy. I don't exactly know what happened to my old one but I know I want you to be my new one. I secretly wished you would be. I love you Brian."

No words would come from my throat. Not one fucking word would come out! I was utterly speechless. Riley had rendered me speechless.

All this time I had been scared of what she would think and here she was wishing I would be her father. "I've always wanted to call you daddy. I asked mommy so many times and she said she didn’t know if you would like that. But she said she didn’t mind if you didn’t."

Riley finally pulled her head away from hiding in my neck so she could look at me. My eyes were wide and I'm sure I was quite the sight, sitting here looking dumbfounded while I held a crying little girl.

A small hand came in contact with my cheek gently as Riley patted it and was looking at me through crocodile tears. "Oh baby." I managed to get out before I brought her into my chest and just held her tightly once more. "You can call me daddy. I'd love for you to."

"Ok. I love you daddy." She whispered as she buried her head in my neck once again.

I choked out a small sob and mentally told myself I would not fucking cry in public. I wasn't that emotional. I. Would. Not. Fucking. Cry.

A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek.

Ok, maybe I was emotional at the moment.

My life had never felt so complete as it did in this small moment.

I felt like I had the world in my hands.

The only thing missing was the other love of my life. The woman who I loved more then anything in this world and would continue to love for the rest of my life.

I was complete.