The Words I Thought I Would Never Say

"Mommy, are we almost there?" I sighed from the driver's seat as Riley asked the notorious question only two hours after we had been on the road. I pressed the cruise control button and turned slightly so I could see Riley. She was stretched out in front of her booster seat with her arms dangling over the edge looking incredibly bored.

"No honey, we still have quite a long time to go. Did your show get over?" I asked referring to the old episode of Rugrats that she had been watching in the screen that was in the back of the seat.

"Yes." She huffed.

"Do you want to listen to some music for now then?" I questioned as I pulled out my cds and placed them on the seat next to me. The one thing I loved about this drive was that a good portion of it was on the I-5 so there was very rarely traffic through central California. You tended to hit it after the grapevine when you entered the greater Los Angeles area. It was easier to just set the cruise control and be off on this stretch.

"Yes! Can we listen to Uncle Matt's band? Pretty please mommy?" I chuckled and put in City Of Evil for her.

It was funny how she called Matt uncle. She didn't quite understand the concept of what a cousin was yet so we just figured it was easier for her to call him Uncle. He loved it and so did she. I took a quick glance behind me just to make sure that the u-haul we were pulling was still there and hadn't decided to ditch us yet.

Emma was sure a real trooper when I told her what had happened. First I had called Matt and he insisted I came down to Huntington for a bit. He suggested that a change of scenery would be good for me. I was skeptical at first because I really didn't want to have to quit my job and pack up my life. But he insisted. After Matt's phone call came Emma's. When I explained everything to her she was right in there with Matt and told me she would help me start boxing my few things up the next morning.

When we started packing Riley was extremely confused. But when I explained to her that our apartment was being torn down and that we were going to stay with Uncle Matt for a little bit she honestly couldn't care less. As far as she was concerned the closer to Matt we were, the better.

It had taken us three days to make sure everything was packed and ready for the transition. Emma took her boyfriend Josh with her to pick up a u-haul for us and Josh had attached it to the back of my suv so we were ready. It was hard leaving San Francisco when that was where I grew up but something told me I would find I loved southern California more. I think some of my fondest memories came from the times I was down there.

"Bat Country please!" Riley exclaimed as she nodded her head along to the music. As much as I loved the guys I had been hesitant at first to let Riley listen to them. I didn't necessarily see letting a three year old listen to music that included songs about a harlot as being a good idea. Yet it seemed that Matt had corrupted her anyway. City Of Evil was her favorite cd by the guys. I personally liked the self titled album and so we took turns listening to them all.

Riley knows who the guys in the band are but I don't think she ever remembers meeting them. The only time she had was when she was just a few months old. Shortly after she was born the guys had a tour stop in San Fran and had decided to come check on me. I really wasn't too close with the other guys in the band and I really didn't know much about them other than their names. It would be fun to re-connect with them all again.

I let out a small grin as Riley sang along but skipped over the bad words. I had made a deal with her that she could sing it as long as she didn't say the bad words. She was cute when she sang because she reminded me of Matt in a sense. She sang with her heart and it was clear to me that she got her musical talent from his side of the family. She was going to have a blast being around the guys. I was really hoping she would get along with them all. She needed some decent male figures in her life. Then again, if they were all like Matt then that could prove to be trouble at times.

My cousin wasn't always the best role model growing up. I'm really surprised that my parents never refused for me to go down there. I actually don't think they knew what sort of things he was into. I had often witnessed one too many times he would come home drunk and his parents would yell at him. They would send him to his room to be miserable all by himself but I always managed to sneak up the stairs with some advil and water for him. I took care of him a lot despite the age difference. My motherly instincts had always been there, even when I was younger. I suppose that helps me today with Riley. It's easy for me to be a mother. Some women can't handle it but it just comes naturally to me.

"Ahhhh!" The squeal that I knew all too well sounded from the back seat. She had spotted somewhere to get food.

"McyD's Mommy! Can we stop pretty please? Please? Please?" Her feet kicked against the seat and made a rumbling sound as she continued with her 'Pleases'.

Upon glancing at the clock I realized it was in fact lunch time and figured my stomach could use some food as well. "Alright sweetie. But we have to eat fast and then be back on the road so we can get to Uncle Matt's before it gets dark alright?"

"Okay! Happy meals!" She continued to squeal as I steered the car onto the exit ramp of the freeway before turning down the side road and into the parking lot of America's favorite fast food joint. I personally wasn't too fond of it from a nutritional standpoint but Riley loved the Happy Meals and so it was a nice once in a while treat for us both.

Once she was out of her booster seat she grabbed onto my hand and pulled me quickly into the restaurant and stood in line as she bounced on the balls of her feet. "Riley do you want the nuggets and FF's?" I questioned. When she had been younger she had difficultly saying French fries and so we had just shortened it to FF's. The term became widely known not only between myself and Emma but also to Matt which I found funny. I'll never forget the day Riley answered my phone when I told her it was her Uncle Matt and she promptly told him that she was having the best day ever because she had FF's. She had tried to explain it to him but he was so clueless by the time I took the phone.

"FF's! And Sprite please Mommy." As we approached the counter Riley placed her small hands on the counter as she stood on her tippy toes to try and see up. She kindly told the lady what she wanted and then started jumping in place again while I ordered my salad. When our food was on the tray I carried it to a table with Riley in tow. I helped her up into the booth and she reached for her box with an anxious look in her eyes.

It was fun to watch her reaction as she pulled out a different toy each time. She was always so excited for it and it made me miss the days when a simple happy meal toy gave you the greatest feeling of joy. Each and every time I watched Riley and her toy it reminded me that I needed to be thankful for the small things in life.

"Mommy they have Transformers toys!" She yelled in excitement as she held up the tiny plastic bag with the toy inside. Her eyes were so wide with excitement as she held the bag out to me to open for her. She handed it over and waited for the toy to be removed from it's packaging before she threw her arms up into the air happily as she grabbed the toy back.

"Do you think Uncle Matt likes Transformers?" She asked in wonder as she moved the wheeled Transformer around on the table while stuffing some French fries into her mouth once they were dipped in ketchup.

"I happen to know he loves Transformers babe." Her eyes lit up as her stuffed cheeks were puffed out to the limit as she stared at me.

"He does?" She asked with her mouth full.

"Riley…" I warned. She gulped down the bite and then told me she was sorry for talking with food in her mouth. "Yes he does. I bet he will play some with you too."

"Yes." She whispered in an accomplished tone as she smiled at me before stuffing in yet another French fry.

I chuckled at my daughter lightly as I began to hear my phone ring. The infamous ringtone for Bat Country rang out and Riley instantly started singing along. She had requested I get it programmed simply because it was her favorite song. I saw the caller id read that it was Matt so I told Riley who it was making her squeal some more. I swear she squealed way too much but I just toned it out each and every time.

"Jade and Riley's moving service how can I be of help to you today?" I said in a joking tone making him chuckle on the other end.

"Well, you could deliver my cousin and her adorable daughter to my house sometime today. That would be nice." He laughed in his deep voice.

"I'm sorry sir, we're working on that delivery. Got caught up at the Grapevine at a certain restaurant that serves the infamous FF's we all know and love."

"Well damn, you're closer than I thought. You guys have made great time so far."

"I agree. I'm just hoping we don't hit too much traffic in LA. If we hit an accident on the 405 you might as well add another hour to our trip." Matt just laughed and I heard some voices start making cat calls in the background. It sounded like he placed his hand over the speaker and started yelling at someone because I vaguely heard him say something about it being his cousin and not some random girl.

"Sorry about that. The guys are all over." His voice implied that he was rolling his eyes as he spoke of his friends.

"It's fine. Will they still be there when we arrive?"

"No. I'll kick them out before then." He yelled the last part and received a chorus of groans in return.

"Alright. Well it looks like Riley is done so we'll be getting back on the road in a few minutes. Riley want to say hi to Uncle Matt?" She nodded and held out her hands for the phone.

"Hi Uncle Matt! I miss you!" She said softly as she used her inside voice. He was saying something back and it must have been funny because she giggled and smiled cutely.

"Ok. I'll tell her. Tell the boys I said hi!" I couldn’t help but laugh as she called the other guys 'the boys'. It was just precious the way she said it. A three year old girl calling grown men in their late twenties 'the boys'. She was going to be a charmer alright. "Ok. Bye Uncle Matt!" She said as she flipped the phone shut and handed it back to me.

"He said to hang up. He also told me that he was taking you and me to get ice cream tonight! So Mommy we better hurry down there!" She said it with such seriousness that I couldn’t help but act serious as well.

"Well then, if Uncle Matt promises ice cream he must mean it! We better get going." I stood up and got Riley down from the booth before handing her the toy and throwing away the trash. We went back out to the car and I got her buckled back in quickly since she was obviously now in a hurry.

I crossed my fingers the entire way up the Grapevine, hoping that there would be no traffic in the 405. But of course, everyone who lived in the greater Los Angeles area knew that was like hoping for snow in the beach cities. It just wasn't going to happen.

***

"Are we there yet?" Riley whined as we finally entered Huntington Beach several hours later. Of course, we hit the inevitable traffic and it took everything in me not to start yelling at drivers with my baby in the car with me. I didn't want to rub my temper off on her. I had been so careful over the years and I wasn't about to start to lose it now over someone who stupidly cut me off because they needed to exit.

"Yes baby. We're almost there. Uncle Matt's house is really close now." She picked her head up quickly and frantically pressed her face and hands against the window. She looked intently at the houses as we drove through a high end residential neighborhood. I always envied Matt and the area he lived in. I could never afford a place here which is why he insisted to help me pay for a place since he wanted me nearby. He told me I could stay with him for a bit until I could the right place for Riley and me. As far as he was concerned I could stay with him forever but I really needed to establish some normalcy for Riley and myself.
Riley cheered as she spotted Matt's enormous Escalade parked in the driveway of his house. She had always loved his car so it made sense that she would remember it.

We pulled in beside it and I was thankful that the driveway was long enough that the u-haul fit as well. Riley started bouncing in her seat and I had to hurry to let her out before she tore out of the car and took the seat still attached to her. I took my purse from the floor of the car and followed her up the stairs where she rang the doorbell way too many times. She stood bouncing beside me and when the door opened she flung herself at the person and wrapped her arms around the knee of the male that certainly wasn't Matt.

I laughed lightly as Riley stood there hugging the leg with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. When she opened her eyes and looked up into the face she pulled away and placed her tiny hands on her hips.

"Hey! You're not Uncle Matt!" She scolded making the man I knew to be Brian Haner Jr laugh.

"I'm not your Uncle Matt. You're right kiddo. But, he happens to be in the other room. If you run that way you'll find him." He told her as he bent down and pointed in the direction of the living room. She nodded and took of running. It was only a matter of seconds before she yelled Matt's name and I heard the two of them laughing.

"It's good to see you again Jade." Brian told me as he gave me a friendly hug. I couldn’t help but take noticed at how he had changed over the years. He had clearly lost some weight and gained muscle in it's place. His hair was no longer long and unruly but now was short and spiked up in all directions on his head. His eyes were still the chocolate orbs I had always been fond of and the black eyeliner traced around them complimented them well. His nose stud had been replaced with a small silver ring and I noticed a few new tattoos on his arms and knuckles.

Overall, he looked amazing. He had changed physically, but I wondered if he was still the same womanizer he had always been.

Brian was always the guy with a new girl on his arm every week. They were usually tall, thin, blonde, and stupid. That was how he liked them and everyone knew it. Although he always treated his women well it was known that he never really showed any true emotion to them. They were his arm candy and once he was done enjoying the sweets he usually let them go. He had a heart of gold with his friends but when it came to those he dated it was often sad to watch. You would think girls would know his reputation but it seemed like every one he picked up was either oblivious to it all or simply didn't care.

"It's good to see you too Brian. Are the other guys here?" I questioned remembering that Matt had said they would be gone when we got here.

"Naw. I was just leaving actually. Matt's the only one left. I've got a date tonight." I nodded politely and switched places with him so I was now inside of the house and he was outside.

"Oh alright. Have fun. I'll see you around then." He nodded and gave me a wink before walking to his small black bmw that was parked across the street. I turned around and closed the door behind me before allowing the voices I loved to lead me in the right direction.

Upon entering the living room I saw the Matt was holding Riley upside down with one hand while his other one was tickling her mercilessly. She was laughing hysterically and I joined in as I watched the exchange take place between the two.

Matt noticed my entrance and immediately set my daughter down on the couch before he came over to me and engulfed me in a giant hug; one that was very much needed after all that had happened in the last week.

"Oh Jade. I'm so sorry all of this happened but at the same time I couldn’t be happier that you're here finally."

"Me too Matt. Me too. Thank you so much for helping me." He pulled away and held me at arms length by my shoulders.

"You're family babe. Not to mention I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for all you did for me when we were younger." We both chuckled knowing that part of that was true.

"Uncle Matt! Check out my Transformer!" Riley said as she pulled her toy out of her backpack and drew both of our attention to her.

"Woah there! That's awesome!" He said enthusiastically making her smile. "So what do you two ladies say to that ice cream and then a walk on the beach since you've been sitting in the car all day?"

"I want some! Do they have chocolate?" Matt nodded as he leant down and picked her up as he placed her on his hip.

"They sure do baby girl. And they have mint chocolate chip for your mom and I." I grinned as Matt remembered that we both still have the same favorite flavor of ice cream. He walked us both out of the house and locked the front door after telling Bella to guard the house.

I knew we would be walking a few small blocks down to the water where a small ice cream shop would await us. Matt and I had always frequented it when we were younger and it was still there.

I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about just how much better my life would be here. Things were finally starting to look up for once.

Little did I know, however, that both Riley and I would find much more here than we ever thought to begin with.