The Words I Thought I Would Never Say

"Uncle Matt! I'm all packed!" Riley yelled through the house as she came struggling into the living room with her duffle bag dragging on the ground behind her. She was walking backward and was using all her might to pull the giant bag into the room. Brian stood up from the couch and went over to help her lift the bag as well as pick her up.

He set the bag on the ground in the pile of other bags and then tossed Riley up in the air playfully. Matt chuckled and looked skeptically at the bag as if wondering if she had really packed what she needed. My guess was that there were some things missing and I would have to go through it shortly to make sure she had everything.

I watched as Brian flipped her over his shoulder and took her over to Matt where he dropped her into his lap as she laughed.

Things between Brian and I had been incredibly awkward and uncomfortable since the incident at the bar. I was still mad about the things he said even though he apologized after the fact. It was wrong and out of place for him to assume things about my relationship with Mike. But I suppose that was how Brian rolled. He often ran his mouth and said things that he later regretted. We had all seen it happen at one point or another and most of had even had something said to us which he later regretted. Tactfulness was something I would definitely suggest to Brian to work on.

Since tempers were on edge between just about everyone, the guys had ever so kindly planned a vacation for us all. The destination? The Big Bear region for a long week filled with drinking, bon fires, tents, bugs, and Jimmy's fabulous snoring.

I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited. Riley was extremely anxious since she had never been camping before and the guys had already told her all about it. She was also excited that Kacie was coming with us.

She was going to be my saving grace this week.

It was adorable how she and Johnny interacted. They weren't officially dating but they couldn’t get any closer to an actual couple than they already were. It was safe to say she was the perfect addition to our lovely group and fit in rather well. I was extremely happy that Johnny had finally grown the balls to get to know her some more. Hopefully this weekend would strengthen their relationship even more if all went well.

"Riley are you sure you packed everything?" I asked as she rolled around in Matt's lap.

"I think so mommy!" She squealed as Matt tickled her sides playfully making her squirm.

"I see." I stated as I stood up from the couch and went over to her bag. I squatted down and unzipped it to immediately be met with just about every stuffed animal she owned. I rolled my eyes and took the bag over to where Matt and she were sitting.

"Riley babe why did you pack all of your stuffed animals?" I asked as I pulled them all out to find they were the only thing in the bag.

"Because mommy I have to have something to sleep with." She told me as if it should have been obvious.

"Well yeah babe but one could work. What about your clothes? What are you going to wear?" Her brow furrowed in thought.

"Oh yeah." She said as she realized the no clothes would indeed be a bad thing to forget.

"I'll take care of it babe." I said as I let out a big sigh and pinched the bridge of my nose before I carried the bag down the hallway and into the room we shared. I plopped it on the bed and turned to the closet to pull out some clothes for her.

As much as I loved the age she was at now it would be much easier when she got a little older and could somewhat do things for herself. It was hard having to do things for two people. It was just a little tiring after awhile.

"Are you alright?" I nearly jumped a mile and dropped the pile of clothes I had in my hand at the voice that had spoken to me. I turned to see Brian was standing in the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched me.

"I'm fine." I grumbled as I picked up the now unfolded clothes and tried to straighten them up before stuffing them into the bag.

"Are you sure?" He questioned as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

"Yes I'm sure. Why do you care anyway?" I snapped as I put Riley's swim suit and a jacket into the bag for her.

"Does it matter why I care? You just looked overwhelmed in there and I figured I would be nice and come see if you were alright. No need to jump down my throat about it." He said as he sat on the bed beside the duffle bag. He gripped the black strap and began running his fingers over is subconsciously. I went over to the dresser and got out some undergarments for her including plenty of socks since I could see those going quickly in the dirt and mud.

"I'm fine Brian. Really. Just a bit overwhelmed." I said honestly as I put the things in the bag.

"Alright. If you say so. I just want you to know though, that if you ever need help with Riley I'm here." He said quietly as he placed a pair of her small converse inside of the bag that I had previously set on the bed.

"Thanks Brian. But I'll be alright. I can handle things." I nodded as I turned back to the dresser and picked up her brush and hair ties that were lying carelessly on top.

"Yeah. I'm sure you can." He huffed as he stood up.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked as I turned and glared at him.

"Nothing. Just don't be afraid to ask for help." He muttered as he left the room quickly. I narrowed my eyes at the door he had just walked through and angrily threw the rest of Riley's things in the bag.

There he goes again. Telling me I can't control my life and do things myself. Who does he think he is? I have asked for help incase he didn’t notice. I asked Matt who was happy to help. I don't need any more help. I don't get why he can't just leave me alone about it. If things get out of control then I'll ask but right now things are fine. Brian just needs to but out of things that aren't his business.

I zipped up Riley's bag and took a deep breath to calm myself down. My feet carried both me and the bag out of the room and back to where the other guys were waiting.

"Alright missy. Now your things are packed." I said as Riley came running over to me and jumped up into my arms. She placed a kiss on my cheek and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Thank you mommy." She told me sweetly.

"You're welcome babe." If there was one thing I adored about Riley's personality it was that she was very well mannered. I tried to teach her to be polite and courteous to people after constantly seeing kids who grew up to be spoiled brats who only looked out for themselves. Today's society was in need of more decent mannered kids and mine was going to be one of them. She still had her spunky edge though which I was totally alright with. We just knew we didn't ever be rude to someone unless it called for drastic matters.

Brian was a drastic matter in my case.

"Mommy?" Riley whispered into my ear as she cupped her hand around it to prevent the guys from hearing. "Can we ride with Brian to the camping place? Pretty please?" My eyes widened with nearly every word she said. "He said we could if we wanted to." She finished off.

Well, way to put me between a rock and a hard place Riles. Way to go. I'm sure other people would be riding with Brian though so we couldn’t be the only ones. Someone else would save me from a two hour torture ride with Brian.

"I guess so babe." I sighed really only wanting Riley to be happy. If riding with Brian would make her happy then so be it.

I set her down on the ground and her little legs went tearing over to Brian before jumping up into his arms. "Guess what Brian?" She squealed as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

I saw the genuine smile on not only her face but his as well and was sort of surprised that he looked happy for once.

"What babe?" He asked her back.

"Mommy said we can ride with you!" She yelled loudly making everyone chuckle. Matt looked over at me skeptically but I just nodded somberly.

"Really? That's awesome babe!" Brian said as he gave her a blush worthy kiss on her cheek. "We're going to have a blast." He told her as she nodded her head frantically. Brian gave me a sideways look and as our eyes met he allowed a small smile to grace his lips. I returned the expression and then looked away sheepishly.

"Everybody ready to go party?" Jimmy yelled as he burst through the front door with Johnny and Zacky behind him. Attached to Johnny by the hand was Kacie who was looking extremely excited. She had a stylish purse over her shoulder that complimented her purple top but wasn't anything too fancy. She looked cute today.

"I am!" Riley said as she raised her hand. Everyone stifled their laughs at first but then it was clear no one could contain it. She looked confused for a moment and then looked at Brian.

"What's so funny?" He just chuckled and shook his head as he ruffled her hair.

"Nothing babe. Don't worry about it." She frowned and wiggled loose of Brian's arms. She grabbed her small backpack that had her car things in it and put it on her shoulders before marching over to Jimmy.

"I'm ready." She announced as she still frowned. Jimmy picked her up and tickled her lightly making her let out a small giggle but she still fought back a grin.

"Alright kiddo. Who are you riding with?" He asked.

"Brian." She grumbled as she still frowned.

"And who's your mom riding with?" He asked with a raised eyebrow as Matt and Brian stood up from the couch and joined the now forming group in the entryway.

"Brian." She said again.

"Oh really now?" Jimmy questioned in disbelief. Riley nodded and then looked to me for support. I bit my lip and gave a curt nod before rolling my eyes.

"Well you three will have fun."

"What do you mean us three?" I questioned nervously. "Isn't anyone else riding with us?" I looked to Kacie who shrugged her shoulders and then to Matt who was rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Brian wore a smug grin and just raised his eyebrows a few times at me earning a glare in return.

"My car has all the shit in it. There's only four seats total free." Riley turned in Jimmy's arms to give Brian a death glare for his use of language.

"I'm sorry!" He frantically said as he held his hands up defensively.

***

I sat silently in the passenger seat about half an hour later with my arms crossed. The cold air was blowing out the vents and I now had goose bumps crawling up and down my arms.

"You cold?" Those were the first words Brian had spoken to me since we had gotten in the car.

"A little yeah." I nodded. His fingers reached over and turned the air off, something I probably could have done but I didn’t want to intrude since it was his suv after all. "Thanks." He just nodded and then glanced in the rear view mirror.

"Looks like someone was a little tired. She's passed out." He commented. I turned around in my seat to see that he was indeed right and Riley was passed out with the crayons lying abandoned on the seat beside her. I grinned as I turned back around.

"Can I ask you something?" Brian asked sort of hesitantly. I noticed his grip on the steering wheel tightened meaning he was uptight about whatever it was he wanted to ask me.

"Sure." I sighed.

"Who all knows that you were raped when you had Riley?" I pursed my lips knowing that it would have something to do with my personal life. I just knew it.

"Matt and his parents and you. That's it. Matt's parents knew from the beginning when it happened. I had come down to stay with them shortly after it happened. And well, I told you the night as we were leaving the beach. But that's it. The other guys don't know. It was hard. Not even my own parents believed that I was raped."

"Now that's fucked up." He grumbled as he shook his head.

"I know." I whispered. "My parents never really cared about me. That's why I was so close with Matt and his parents. That's also why I'm determined to be a good mom to Riley."
Brian just nodded in understanding and he glanced back at the small girl in the back.

"Would you want to stop and grab a drink before we leave the city and start into the mountains? There's a drive through Starbucks here that we can stop at. The other guys won't even notice." I really didn't get a say because as Brian spoke he was already pulling off the freeway and onto the city roads of Redlands.

"Sure. I could use a coffee." I smiled kindly at him as we pulled up into the line. Brian asked me what I wanted and I told him my order before he told the person through the speaker. I started to pull out my wallet to give Brian money but he snatched the black wallet from me before tossing it back into my bag that was on the floor of my feet.

"That won't be necessary." He stated as he pulled out his wallet form his back pocket and handed a twenty to the guy at the window.

"Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. I've got it covered." He handed me my iced coffee and then put his in the drink holder at the same time as I did.

Our fingers gently brushed against each others and they lingered there for a moment causing me to blush and turn to look out the window quickly.

"Thanks Brian." I said as I quickly tugged my hand back into my lap as his returned to the wheel.

"No problem hun."

"You know," I started as we got back on the freeway and continued our trek to the mountains. "You're not so bad when you aren't around those girls you date." He let out a chuckle and glanced over to me quickly.

"I'll admit, some of them are pretty bad." He laughed.

"Then why go out with them?" I knew I wasn't going to like the answer but I already knew what it was and so therefore expected it.

"I dunno. Good in bed I guess. I've never been good with long relationships so I just settle for the short ones."

"And is that all you care about?" I pointed out referring to the sex. "You can't possibly tell me that that is the secret meaning of life Brian."

"I guess I'm just not a guy to settle down. Like you ever so kindly pointed out to me before, I'm a player. That's just how I am."

"But that's not how you have to be."

"Touché." He smirked as he locked eyes with me for a moment before turning back to the road.

Now see, this is the side of Brian that I don't mind. He's a laid back easy going kind of guy. I seriously think he just needs to find the right girl that will make him want to settle down. I know he's capable of it, but he'll never admit that to anyone. He wants to uphold his reputation.

Deciding to let the conversation drop for now, I turned my attention to my drink as I sipped it.

"So how many guys have you been with since you had Riley?" He questioned.

"Just Mike." I answered stiffly. "Not many guys want to be with a girl who has a kid already." I chuckled bitterly as I shook my head in disappointment.

"Now that's not true." Brian said firmly. "There are plenty of guys who would love a girl with a little one." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. He was wrong.

"Not even Mike liked her. I tried dating other guys but the second they found out about Riley they wanted nothing to do with me. Sucks pretty much. I haven't met one guy who would be willing to date me and also enjoy being with Riley."

"Sure you have. You've got five here that I know for a fact wouldn’t have any problem with it. And I know you'd never date Matt but I know he wouldn’t have an issue with a chick with a kid." Brian stated in a matter of fact tone.

"And you? No offense Brian but I don't see you picking up any chicks that have kids." Brian just shrugged his shoulders indifferently.

"I wouldn't mind." I scoffed gently at his response. Rolling my eyes at an angle that Brian wouldn't see, I took another drink of my coffee and stayed quiet since I really didn't feel like getting into an argument with him right now. It wasn't worth the trouble.

I had come to terms that maybe I sorta liked Brian a little bit. I guess with after seeing how good he was with Riley and after hearing Matt out I figured that he might be someone I could date. If only he saw it the same way. I knew thought that he was in no way attracted to me of all people so it really wasn't worth even trying. Matt was happy that I had admitted it to him but I made him promise on his life not to tell Brian what I thought. It would only complicate things and I didn’t need more drama in my life. I already had enough as it was. I was content being a single mom and I think Riley was cool with it too. At least I hoped she was.

"Why'd you get so quiet?" He questioned when I didn't reply.

"No reason." I shrugged as I set my coffee down in the cup holder. Brian reached for his right after I moved my hand away and I was thankful that we didn't make contact. Obviously we had touched each other before but there was just something about the subtleness of the hands brushing that caused chills to go up my spine.

Silence now filled the car but it was a comfortable silence. I heard Riley shift in the back a few minutes later. I turned around my seat to see that she was starting to wake up. I smiled at her and she returned it with a sleepy grin.

"Are we almost there?" She asked through a yawn.

"About thirty more minutes hun." Brian answered for me after glancing at his gps that had the calculated time on it.

"Thirty minutes." Riley groaned as she sat up and held her head in her hands. "Can we listen to some music?" She asked gently. Brian nodded and turned on the stereo.

Songs came on that were unknown to me and it made me wonder what station Brian was on. Riley however was just humming away while she colored. She seemed to be content and so I wasn't about to say anything.

The intro for an electronica song came on and Riley instantly perked up. "Oh my gosh mommy! It's the hamster car song!" She squealed as she began bouncing to the song in her seat.

"The hamster car song?" I questioned as Brian turned up the volume to the song.

"Yeah! You know the one where they are bouncing in the red car while all the other poor hamsters are stuck in wheels?" Ahh now I knew that she was talking about one of the Kia car commercials she loved. That made more sense.

"I love this song!" She said as she moved her arms wildly to the music making me laugh. "Come on mommy! Dance with me." She insisted. I scrunched my nose up but couldn’t help to notice that the song was insanely catchy. Brian even started to nod his head to the beat as he focused on the road. I moved my shoulders some along with my head to the beat to make Riley happy. She sure was an odd little kid sometimes.

"Mom we have to download that song when we get home!" Her matter of fact tone made me chuckle.

"Alright babe."

"Awww it's over." She huffed as the song ended. "How much longer?" She pouted.

"We're almost there hun." Brian chuckled as he let a smile slide across his lips. "In fact…" He trailed off as we pulled off of the main road and onto a small side one that I found out led to the entrance of our camping area. "It looks like we're here. Riley look for campsite number twenty-three alright? That's a two and a three." She nodded and leaned toward the window to press her face against it.

"Two zero…Two two…Two three! Right there!" She yelled as she pointed to the number twenty-three that was etched on a post beside yet another small road.

"There's Uncle Matt's car!" She squealed as she caught sight of the guys cars as we pulled down the road further.

The camp site looked pretty nice. It was big and had a fire ring and a picnic table. There was a water faucet that was coming out of the ground and we were actually right near the lake which surprised me a bit. The lake was huge, I knew that, so the fact that you could see it off in the distance was a shock. I thought we were further away from it. Apparently not.

Brian parked next to Matt's car and we all got out. The guys were all hauling bags out of their cars but no one could start putting tents together until we got here since they were in Brian's car.

"Zaaaacky!" Riley yelled as she ran over to where he was sitting. I guess her bag had been in his car because he had it sitting in front of him and he was holding her stuffed panda bear named Bamboo in his hands as he grinned at her. Kacie and Johnny were sitting on the benches of the picnic table talking quietly while Jimmy and Matt were buried in the back end of Jimmy's pick up truck which held the coolers with our food and drinks.

"We're here!" Riley sang from her spot on Zacky's lap along with her panda.

"Tents!" Jimmy yelled as he stood up from where he was standing in the bed of the truck. He jumped down and came over to open the back end of Brian's car. Zacky set Riley down on the bench of the picnic table beside Kacie before he and Johnny both took off to help the other guys. I made my way over to where the two girls were sitting and made myself comfortable. Well, as comfortable as one could get on a wooden bench anyway.

"So how was the ride?" Kacie asked carefully.

"It was alright. I can't say it was bad. Brian stopped to get me coffee." I chuckled. "We just chatted and Riles slept part of the way."

"Well obviously you two didn't kill each other so I'd call that progress." Kacie already knew of my issues with Brian and she was on my side when it came to my reasoning. I had learned that she was quick to pick up on things and was a great judge of character so I knew hiding things from her would only prove to be pointless.

"I guess so." I mumbled as I pulled Riley into my lap.

"Holy fu…fudge sticks!" Johnny yelled as Jimmy launched a tent at him to catch from the back of the car. He wasn't expecting it and almost fell to the ground. I stifled a laugh at how he corrected himself so as to not be yelled at by Riley for his language. Maybe having us around wouldn’t be so bad for the guys after all.

"Well this ought to be interesting." Kacie giggled as we watched them pull the tents out of the bags and lay everything out.

"They should do alright. They've been camping enough to know how to put tents together."

"Let's hope you're right."

Ten minutes later we had discovered that I was wrong.

Apparently the tents we had were fairly new and the guys had never used them before. So therefore, they had no earthly idea as to how to put them together. Jimmy was standing inside on of the tents with a pole but was having no luck. The shape of the stick disappeared shortly and he began to flail around inside the fabric.

"What the hell! Someone help me!" He grumbled as he struggled to find the exit hole. Riley had since climbed up onto the top of the table and was sitting watching; extremely amused at the situation.

Zacky and Brian had gone over to help Jimmy yet somehow they too ended up entangled in the ropes of the tent.

"Looks like the tent has now claimed three prisoners." I laughed. Riley was now in stitches and she was holding herself up on the table while pointing at the three men.

"The tent monster is eating Jimmy, Zacky and Brian! Uncle Matt save them before it gets Johnny too! It looks really hungry." She giggled loudly making me and Kacie laugh even more.

Matt motioned us to be quiet as he crept up on the still struggling guys. Riley kept giggling lightly but she tried to keep quiet. She was rocking back and forth gently in her fit of giggles as Matt was now standing right beside them.

Letting out a huge yell he lunged forward tackling all three men, all of which were yelling and screaming now, to the floor.

"What the fuck!"

"Holy shit!"

"Damn it Matt!"

All three of the guys were yelling hysterically at their singer who was now sitting on top of the pile laughing. Johnny had by now abandoned his own tent he had been working on and was running over toward Matt whose eyes had widened. He leapt through the air flattening Matt and making the rest of the guys groan and complain even more.

Riley was now lying flat on the table on her stomach as she laughed. Her small giggles were contagious and could be heard throughout the entire area I'm sure. Kacie had pressed a hand to her mouth amidst her laughter.

Johnny first climbed off of Matt and helped him up. Next came untangling Zacky who was followed by Brian and finally it took all four guys to get Jimmy out from inside of the tent. Jimmy looked severely disheveled and had a huge frown on his face.

"Aww it's ok Jimmy! I'll help you with your tent." Riley stated as she jumped down still laughing hysterically. She grabbed a pole and swung it around before Jimmy had the guts to grab it after he nearly got hit in the head by it since it was a long one.

"Alright kiddo. Let's see if we can get this shit sorted out." Riley didn't even bother correcting him this time but just jumped right in with trying to help.

"Shall we?" Johnny asked Kacie as he held his hand out for her to take. She nodded sheepishly and took his hand as she stood up. Matt and Zacky had gone to help Jimmy and Riley with the three person tent and so that only left me with one person.

Brian and his three person tent he was now struggling with.

I seriously think the guys had planned this I thought to myself as I stood up and trudged my way over to Brian.

And I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what else they had planned this week.

"So, I think whoever you're helping now should be who you're rooming with for the week." Matt stated slyly. "With the exception of Riley of course."

I was about to protest but everyone else confirmed what Matt said.

"Well it's settled then." Zacky smirked in our direction.

"Damn it." I mumbled.

"Looks like we're roommates along with Riles." Brian muttered.

"Guess so." I forced out a smile for the sake of being friendly and surprisingly enough, he returned it.

Maybe this would turn out to be alright.

Only time would tell.