The Words I Thought I Would Never Say

The following morning I was greeted with a shocking scene as I opened my eyes for the first time. Or rather, instead of a scene it was more of a position that had me startled.

My eye booger encrusted eyes blinked a few times as the different positions of those around me registered in my brain. The weight that was across my waist had also registered with me and I almost jumped when I came to my senses.

The last thing I remembered last night had been falling asleep in my tent with Riley curled up beside my stomach. Kacie and Johnny had retired at the same time as the two of us but the rest of the guys were still awake that last I knew.

Riley was still curled up against my stomach. She had one arm over her head and her mouth was slightly open as she breathed in and out evenly.

I was currently lying on my side and my backside was being pulled into the only other body that occupied the tent.

Three guesses as to who that is and the first two don't count.

Brian's arm was slung casually over my waist and was pulling me into his chest. His breath was warm and was cascading over the back of my neck as he breathed at about the same pace as Riley. Shivers were sent down my spine with each breath that he took and released.

I wanted desperately to get out of his grasp but knew that in doing so I would probably wake up both him and Riley too and I didn't want to wake my baby girl.

My body stiffened as Brian let out a grunt and rolled slightly taking me with him. I groaned as he was now on his back and my upper torso was being held against his chest firmly with one of my legs between his. His arms held me in what felt like a vice grip and I really would have liked to give him a swift knee to the crotch to get him to let go of me.

I continued grumbling to myself in my head for a few more minutes. All attempts that I tried to get him to let got of me had not succeeded and I concluded that I was stuck like this until he decided to wake up and shove me off of him.

I spotted his iphone lying on the opposite side of him and slowly reached my arm out from the sheets to grab it.

Damn sheets. I still couldn't believe the guys hadn’t packed enough sleeping bags. Matt had gotten a real talking to when I discovered that there were only enough sleeping bags for the guys and that Kacie, Johnny, myself, Riley and Brian would be sharing two inflatable mattresses with sheets. I swear I was going to kill my cousin when we got home. I needed to do some plotting before then though.

I pressed the button on the iphone and the screen lit up allowing me to see the time that was illuminated in white on the front screen. 5:30 in the morning. Just peachy. I sighed and was about to put the phone back down when my curiosity got the better of me.

I slid the lock on the touch screen and stared at the background. It was a photo of him and the guys all together at the beach. Half of me was surprised not to find a picture of some naked girl on the screen. I pressed the button for photos and continued to scroll through them. There were lots of pictures of the guys and some of Brian's various guitars. Photos of his family smiled up at me but the one that shocked me the most was one of Riley and myself at the beach. It was when I had her on my hip and she had her small pink hoodie on and she was giving me a kiss on the cheek. I smiled to myself and decided I needed to send this photo to my own phone so I could use it as my background. Brian would never know I had gone through it.

I selected the photo and then added my own number to the contact space before hitting send. I heard my phone buzz quietly from inside of my purse that was at the opposite end of the tent and knew it had gotten there no problem.

Still in a nosey mood I decided to go through his contacts and see who all he kept track of. I bet there would be some hookers or something in there with all the girls he goes through. There had to be since there were no inappropriate photos on his phone.

I was determined to find something to further my 'I hate Brian' mood but came up empty handed as well. No girls numbers other than my own and his relatives. Not even Holly's which surprised me.

I grunted and decided Brian's phone was a lost cause. I put the lock back on and placed it back in it's original position.

"It's not nice to snoop through someone's phone you know." Had it not been for Brian's arm keeping me in place and his hand over my mouth and I would have jumped a mile and let out a shrilling scream that probably would have woken half of the lake. My scream was thankfully muffled and Riley only shifted slightly at the movement of the air bed as I attempted to jump when Brian scared the crap out of me.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" He asked in a deep quiet tone that was rather groggy as well.

"No." I whispered harshly as my heart continued to pound against his own chest.

Brian just chuckled deeply and surprisingly continued to hold me against his chest firmly so I couldn't move. "Would you please let go of me now that you've given me a near heart attack?"

"Can't. Riley will wake up and there's nowhere for you to go." He said as he motioned to the sleeping toddler who was now curled up against his side. Brian was on the edge of the bed and with Riley beside him that indeed left no space between the two for me to take over. The empty space was on the opposite side of Riley now.

"Damn it." I muttered quietly.

"Might as well just stay here. Can't deny that you have awesome company as well as a comfortable chest." He smirked in his own cocky way.

If you call rock hard abs comfortable then I suppose he would be right. But I don't call those comfortable to lay on so therefore he was wrong.

I just grunted in reply and flopped my head down on his chest knowing I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon even though he was awake.

I jumped and my head snapped up for the second time this morning when I felt his foot rub against the side of my leg purposefully. I brought my hand down on his chest and glared at him with warning evident in my eyes. "Watch it Haner."

"Oh come on Jade. You don't like to cuddle in the mornings?" His question was playful as he rubbed his foot against me again.

"Brian." I warned for the second time. He however just laughed and pulled me back down into his bare chest.

This felt so wrong.

I gasped and grumbled as he playfully thrusted his hips up into mine making me now aware of his lovely case of morning wood, something I would have rather not noticed. I squealed and tried to pull away but he just continued to laugh quietly and keep me firmly held in my place.

"Brian Haner Jr! Knock it off or I will kick you out of the tent!" I said menacingly while I continued to struggle.

"I'd like to see you try. You can't even get out of my grasp." He taunted casually as if it were nothing. "But if you want away from me so badly I'll be glad to put you outside of the tent." My eyes widened as he tossed the sheets away form us and scooped me up. I struggled still and was actually rather amazed that Riley was sleeping through this. Brian managed to unzip the tent and set me outside on the cold ground before giving me a smirk and zipping the tent back up. I turned and tried to unzip it but he had to be holding the zippers together because they wouldn’t separate no matter how hard I tried.

"Brian!" I whispered loudly. "Open up! I swear you jerk if you don't open it…" I trailed off. He just snickered and I heard the airbed shift again meaning he was back in bed. I grinned and tried the zippers again but they were still being held together somehow. I screamed under my breath making him laugh even more and then turned to face the deserted camp.

Shivering in just my tank top and shorts, I stood up and made my way over to where the chairs were still sitting out. I spotted a blanket from last night still draped over one of them and snatched it before curling into a chair and wrapping it around myself.

That jerk.

My teeth continued to chatter for a few moments before I heard a zipper of a tent make noise. Turning my head ever so slightly I saw Brian stepping out of the tent still in his pajama pants but he had now added a hoodie to the mix. He held another one in his hands and came over to me.

I sat there staring ahead of me determined to ignore him but it was no use since he squatted in front of me and handed me the hoodie that just so happened to be one of his.

I glared at him before reaching out from under the blanket and snatching the hoodie. "I could still be in bed you know." I grumbled as I pulled the sweatshirt over my head. Granted that it wasn't one of mine and that it was rather big on me, I had to admit it was comfortable.

"You could. But you wouldn't want to leave me out here by myself." He told me as he sat down in a chair as well.

"Oh yeah? Watch me." I told him as I gave him a wink and then ran back to the tent. I unzipped it quickly and was just about inside when Brian grabbed me by the ankle.

Not expecting to be caught I ended up losing my footing and falling face first into the mattress making it bounce. I gasped as I saw Riley bounce up and down before she fiercely sat up and glared at me and Brian, who now had his head sticking inside of the tent to assess the damage. Her eyes said she had just been woken up which was never a good thing. She was often cranky in the morning, especially this early in the day.

"That's it! You two are crazy! I can't sleep here! I'm going in with Uncle Matt, Zacky, and Jimmy." She stood up and grabbed her blanket and stuffed dog Zoey. I scrambled to the side and Brian moved out of the tent entrance as Riley went storming out. I poked my head outside to see that she had opened the zipper and crawled into the tent before zipping it back up. Well Matt was in for a surprise when he woke up.

"She's nuts." Brian muttered as he stood shaking his head in the direction Riley had wandered in.

"You're nuts. You're the one who started all of this! Now she's going to be in a bad mood with me all day for waking her up. If you had just let me go in the first place then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap." I grumbled at him as I went further into the tent and climbed back in bed. As I pulled the sheets around me Brian stepped inside and closed the tent back up. I growled at him as he yanked the sheets away from me and wrapped himself in them after climbing back onto the air bed.

"What the crap do you think you're doing?" I hissed as I sat up and faced him. He had the sheets pulled up to his chin and he was giving me a cheeky grin.

"Going back to sleep. Good night." He said as he shut his eyes and rolled away from me.

"I hate you." I grumbled under my breath along with several other obscenities as I snuggled into his hoodie as I laid back down while giving up. Brian was a jerk in the morning I had decided and I was going to let him deal with Riley since it was all his fault. Riley was definitely not a morning person but she didn’t get that from me. I could be a morning person when I wanted or needed to. I did like my sleep though and was notorious for fifteen minute power naps that would leave me feeling energized and ready to go.

I faced the wall opposite Brian and curled into a ball to try and stay warm. It wasn't especially warm outside at five in the morning no matter where you were in the state of California. It just so happened to be pretty chilly up in the mountains in the mornings. My legs started twitching soon after since I had forgotten to bring pajama pants and was only left with my shorts that I usually wore at home.

The bed moved as Brian shifted and I heard him grunt. "Get over here." He grumbled causing me to turn around and look at him. He was holding his arms out and the sheet up as if expecting me to crawl into his arms.

Like that was going to happen willingly again.

"I'm fine over here thanks." I said stubbornly even though the idea of a warm set of arms was feeling very inviting at the moment.

"Jade… get your ass over here before I make you." He threatened in a soft voice. It was no use fighting against Brian because much like earlier when he made me get out of the tent, he would make me get in his arms one way or another. "And don't test me either because you know I will." He finished when he noticed I was getting lost in my thoughts.

"You are such a pain in the ass." I muttered as I scooted over and allowed him to wrap his arms and the sheets around me. I was grateful for the warmth that they brought but I was also still very uncomfortable with the fact that I was technically voluntarily lying in his arms.

"Better?"

"I suppose."

"Oh don't lie to yourself. You love being in my arms."

"Maybe in your dreams I do."

"You're right."

I slapped him playfully in the chest for his comment but he just chuckled. I sighed into his chest and began wondering just how many girls had laid like this with him. I had to give Brian some credit, he was good with cuddling. I appreciated how he was gently rubbing my back and how he was holding me protectively. Had I been his girlfriend and I would have been in heaven right now.

That wasn't the case though. I was just a friend who didn't want to date him. He was helping me to keep warm in the cold tent. He was just a guy I knew who I had no interest in.

You're lying to yourself. My conscience kept telling me over and over. I groaned and shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind.

Unfortunately for me Brian mistook my groan for a moan. His eyes glinted with mischief and a smirk was solely coming across his face.

"Someone's enjoying themselves."

"Shut up. I was groaning."

"You were not. I've heard enough girls moan to be able to tell the difference."

"And that is exactly why I hate you." He looked slightly taken aback by my words as a smirk of my own came across my face.

"You don't hate me. You hate my lifestyle."

"Precisely."

"But you don't hate me." He whispered in my ear softly causing goosebumps to arise on my skin.

"I'm going back to sleep." I mumbled as I hid my face in the pillows so I didn't have to see him.

"I'll take that answer as a no." He chuckled as he continued to rub my back gently.
The soothing motions of his hands put me to sleep extremely quickly.

***

"Mommy! Brian! Waaake up!" Greeted me as I yawned and rolled over in the arms that continued to hold me. Riley was bouncing on the air mattress next to where Brian and I were unfortunately still curled up together. A deep chuckle floated in after Riley's voice and my eyes snapped open to meet Matt's hazel ones.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here." He mused with amusement written across his face.

Riley took the opportunity to pounce on me and Brian since she saw we were both now awake. "You two are mean. You woke me up earlier." She pouted as she wiggled in between the two of us.

"It's all Brian's fault babe." I told her jokingly.

"No it's not!" He whined.

Matt was watching with interest at the small exchange as well at the current position we were all in. I pulled myself out of Brian's arms to allow Riley to take my place and I sat up to look at my cousin.

Matt gave me a funny look before making the 'come here' motion with his index finger. His head disappeared from the tent and I rubbed a hand over my face before crawling out after him.

This was going to be fun to explain.

"So, getting cozy with the enemy eh? He asked as we sat down at the picnic table.

Zacky and Jimmy were busy slaving over the portable grill we had brought with us. Both were clad in pajama pants and hoodies much like Matt and myself were. I could hear Johnny and Kacie making noise in their tent; it sounded like they were getting dressed or something.

"He was keeping me warm. I woke up at five thirty and couldn’t go back to sleep. He woke up too and decided it would be a good idea to place me outside of the tent. Well I ended up getting cold so when we both went back in then he forced me to cuddle with him to get warm."

Matt's gaze was intrigued and doubtful at the same time.

"Don't give me that look. It's true. You know as well as I do that he always gets his way even if he has to force you."

The twinkle in Matt's eyes told me that he still didn't quite believe me. I honestly didn't expect him to though.

"So explain why I woke up with Riley tucked under my arm then."

"That's easy. When I went back in the tent Brian grabbed my ankle causing me to fall and face plant on the bed. It bounced and Riles woke up and yelled at us. She totally stomped out told us goodbye and went in with you three." I grinned while he laughed.

"Alright that I believe."

"Breakfast fuckers!" Jimmy yelled while walking over to the table with a plate of pancakes in his hand.

Johnny and Kacie came out of their tent and joined Matt and I. Brian came out carrying a giggling Riley and Zacky followed behind Jimmy with orange juice and beer.

"Beer? Are you serious? It's nine in the morning." Kacie laughed as she took a seat beside me. She looked groggy and tired and I'm sure had I not been up previously this morning I would have looked very similar.

"It's never too early for beer." Zacky replied with a wink before setting the bottles and plastic containers of orange juice down on the table.

"Beer is gross." Riley stated as she grabbed an orange juice and handed it to Brian to open for her.

"What makes you say that?" Jimmy questioned as he took a seat.

"Because it makes people be jerks and be mean. Just like Mike right mommy?" She asked as she took a drink of her juice.

I gulped as all eyes settled on me waiting for an answer. The lump in my throat was swallowed as I laughed nervously. "Riley babe, not everyone is mean when they drink beer. It's ok to have if you're old enough. But yes some people can be mean when they drink." I nodded not wanting to lie to her.

"You guys aren't mean like Mike right?" Riley asked the men that sat around us.

"They aren't baby. I promise." I said quickly hoping to end the conversation.

"Jade, is everything alright?" Matt asked casually as he set a plate of cut up pancake doused in syrup in front of Riley to distract her.

"Fine Matt. Nothing ever happened." I assured everyone who was still looking at me.

I quickly did a glance around to see what everyone was so worried about. Jimmy and Zacky both looked slightly worried as did Johnny and Kacie. Matt was concerned obviously but the one that shocked me was Brian who was looking like he was furious.

"Nothing happened. I promise guys. I left before anything had the chance to." I muttered as I grabbed some pancakes for myself. "Can we just drop it for now please?" I asked under my breath. When I looked up I saw everyone nod but Matt and Brian still looked pretty put off.

"Riley is it ok if I have a beer?" Zacky asked her. I was thankful that he was being cautious around her since she now knew that beer was present. Normally if the guys were drinking it she didn’t know unless someone stated that it was beer. She just assumed they were drinking something else typically.

"Sure." She stated through a mouthful of pancake.

"Riley." I scolded lightly as she swallowed.

"Sorry mommy." She said sheepishly.

"I can't believe you're all going to start drinking this early." Kacie said with a shake of her head as she placed a fork full of pancake into her awaiting mouth. Johnny just shrugged and draped his arm around her shoulder.

"Wouldn’t be a good day if we didn't start in early." Jimmy added.

"Sure it would." Kacie insisted as she shrugged Johnny's arm off of her so she could finish eating.

I was sort of surprised that Matt and Brian declined the beers they were offered and figured it probably had something to do with not wanting to drink in front of Riley at the moment. Matt tried to be careful around her since she was related to him and looked up to him for a lot of things. He knew a bit about my past with Mike when it came to alcoholic drinks. He didn't know everything though but I'm sure by now he was starting to figure it out. He knew that Mike drank but he didn't know that he had started showing signs of alcohol abuse toward the end of our relationship. That was one of the reasons I left and one of the reasons why I wasn't going back.

I figured I would have to talk to Matt about it later on just so he didn't start jumping to conclusions and think Mike had been abusive to me because he hadn't. Mike could get an attitude about him when he drank and when it started to show was when I would excuse myself to go home and be with Riley for the remainder of the evening.

Never once did I spend the night at Mike's house and never once did he spend it at mine. It just didn't feel right having that kind of relationship with him when I still had Riley to worry about. Mike just didn't seem like the right one.

Now that I thought about it, I hadn't been with a man since I was raped, not that it bothered me. I was sort of a traditional type and wanted to only go that far with someone I was truly in love with, not someone I would only waste a few months or so with.

Now more than ever I was careful about whom I got involved with. I wanted someone who would respect not only myself but Riley as well. I needed someone who would care about us both and not just me. We were a package deal and not many guys wanted that these days.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Kacie's elbow gently pressing into my side. I blinked a few times and then noticed that everyone was yet again staring at me. "Yes?" I asked.

"I asked if everyone wanted to rent a boat and go fishing today." Matt told me with an amused look. He knew I had been deep in thought about something since I tended to do that a lot.

"Oh. Sure. Sounds like fun to me." I said as I stood up and grabbed my plate as well as Riley's and took them to the small wash tub that had some soapy water in it.

I began washing them off and was slightly startled when I felt the presence of arms wrap around me. Upon looking down it was Matt's arms that I recognized and they were actually the ones I was expecting.

"You alright Jade?" He asked quietly.

"I'm fine Matt. Do you want to take a short walk?" I asked back hoping I would get the chance to talk to him a bit alone before the questions started arising from everyone else.

"I'd love to." He turned his head over to the group who were still drinking with the exception of Brian and Kacie, both of which were keeping an eye on Riley as she finished off her orange juice. "Guys Jade and I will be back in a few minutes." The all nodded and Kacie grinned up at me as Matt wrapped his arm protectively around my shoulders.

I stared down at my flip flops and realized that we were both still in our pajamas; yet somehow I didn’t think Matt was going to care about that in the slightest.

"So tell me about Mike." He told me firmly in a big brotherly way.

"Mike was an alright guy to begin with. He never was too good with Riley though so she didn’t see him much. A few months ago though he started drinking more than was normal for him. I would come over on a few occasions and he would be drunk out of his mind. I never stayed when he was like that and he would often yell things at me as I was leaving. He just became verbally violent and you of all people know I don't put up with any of that crap. It never really got better either. I would continue to stop by and I would expect to see him drunk and then leave. Well one day I got another surprise when I went o take him a cd he had been asking for. He was screwing some other girl so of course I left and told him we were over, among other things."

Matt chuckled knowing full well that I had said some nasty things to Mike in my fit of rage since I did afterall have a Sanders temper at times. It was to be expected of me and was also one of the reasons why I got frustrated at Brian so easily. It just came out sometimes.

"So where does Riley fit into all of this? She said he was mean. Did anything ever happen with her?" By now we had neared the edge of the lake and I sat down on the ground beside Matt, still keeping his arm around me.

"No nothing ever happened with her. I wouldn’t let it. Riley just often heard me come home and complain under my breath about what a jerk he was. I think at first she was taking it the wrong way but I got it explained to her and all was well."

I leaned into Matt's warm embrace and was extremely grateful to have him as a cousin and brotherly figure. I knew I could always go to him for advice as well as use him to vent to. That's what he was here for afterall.

"So are you satisfied now? Anymore question you want to take a stab at?" I questioned playfully as we stood up.

"Yeah. One more actually. Why the hell are you wearing one of Brian's hoodies?" My jaw dropped at his playful jest and I took the opportunity to slap him in the chest.

"I told you! He dumped me outside of the tent. Then came out with a hoodie for me."

"Mhmm sure. If you say so."

"Matt! I promise!"

"Then why didn't you change out of it?"

"It's comfy." I huffed as he steered me back toward the camp.

"Keep telling yourself that." He chuckled under his breath.

Alright so maybe he had a point. I had my own hoodies I could change into but I didn’t feel like it.

Why?

Because this one smelled like Brian and that was one smell I didn't want to give up so easily.