Can't Have You

“I can’t do this, Apollo.” I sighed, looking down at feet. “I just can’t be the reason he is hurting again. I‘ve already hurt him twice, and I’m not trying to go for a third.”

“Elle,” Apollo sighed and put his arm behind my seat and turned to look at me. “Once a very great poet said everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

“Let me guess you just pulled that out of your ass?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“No. Bob Marley actually said it.” Apollo smirked. “I know I’m not suppose to give hints to the future and all since I am all knowing and stuff it is kinda hard to keep my--.”

“Apollo,” I sighed, cutting him off. “Get to the damn point.”

“It’s going to work out.” Apollo smiled. “Just trust me.”

I sighed opening the door to the sports car and stepped onto the dirty run down little town road that was just outside the city. Apparently Joe was camped out in the bar here although it didn’t seem likely. But this was where Apollo had seen him, and I just had to trust him, because what with the uproar I just caused, I couldn’t exactly pop into Mouth Olympus and look into my globe to find Joe.

“Good luck, doll,” Apollo smiled before he sped off down the street.

I turned towards the door of the run down bar and pushed the door open. Inside it looked even worse then the outside. I was sure this bar had been around way before I was even born. If not, it sure looked like it had. I spotted Joe sitting on a stool at the bar, playing with a glass filled with God knows what.

“You going to drink that?” I asked, walking over to Joe and sitting down next to him.

“Why are you here?” Joe snarled at me with hatred filled eyes.

“Cause I can’t leave till I finish this case and you know it.” I sighed and rested my head on my hands.

“I don’t want your fucking help!” Joe screamed in my face and stood up, tipping the drink over.

“That’s fine but I can’t leave, Joseph!” I snapped back and pushed him back onto the barstool. In his state, it was better to have him firmly sitting rather than falling over. “Listen, I made a mistake with Camilla, okay?”

“Really? Whatever led you to think that?” Joe asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“I make mistakes Joe!” I screamed a little louder then I meant to but he was starting to piss me off. “I am not perfect just because I am fucking Cupid. I wish I was and I wish I hadn’t hurt you but I did, okay? You’re just going to have to get over that!”

“No, it’s not okay, Cupid! I mean, what the hell, Elle? You let me run around for weeks thinking this Camilla bullshit was my fault. You knew how shitty I felt. Oh and then you never fucking told me Sofia was a damn freak! God, where did you meet her, at the your freak’s conventions?” He was standing now, towering over me.

That was all it took, being called a freak again. I don’t know what came over me but I stood and smacked him, hard. Joe looked down at me, surprised while I just stood there looking at him waiting to see if he was going to call me a freak again.

“I can’t believe I ever fell for a bitch like you!” Joe said coldly before stepping away from me and walking towards the exit.

I sighed as I watched his figure retreat. I had figured this was going to be hard but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I was starting to think Apollo was going to be wrong for once in his life. After all, things could always change since nothing was ever set perfectly in stone, though Apollo usually saw the most possible scenario.

I knew I had to at least go after him to make sure he didn’t get hurt, especially in the state he had left in. He was still wobbling when he walked out the door. I picked up the now deserted drink Joe had been nursing and downed it in one gulp. The bitter liquid warmed my throat and gave me a spot of courage. After all, I would need all the courage I could get if I had to face Joe again after what had just happened. I took off after him and found him sitting down on the curb.

“You can keep running but I am going to follow.” I announced loudly as I walked over to where Joe was and sat down next to him.

“Go away, Elle,” he hissed. “Just get the hell away from me. I don’t need you. I don’t want you, Elle!”

“Yes, you do.” I said confidently, but I wasn’t too sure about how much he wanted me right this minute.

“No I don’t!” Joe snapped. “How could I? How can I trust you now? You led me on and lied to me. You lied to me over, and over again.”

“Joe, I never lied to you.” I said. “In all the time that I’ve known you, I have only wanted to help you.”

“Help me?” he laughed bitterly. “How was it helping me?”

“I helped you the best way I knew how, Joe, because I fell in love with you.”

“You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t have done this. If you did this out of love, I don’t even want to see how you help the people you hate.”

“I’m Cupid, I never hate anyone. I can’t hate. I’m Cupid. I only know love,” I said calmly. Whatever had come over me when he called me a freak had gone. The alcohol was flowing through me, and it gave me just the boost I needed to keep my voice calm. “And trust me, I know love. I know every part of it, every emotion it can entice. But, in the 70 years I have been working, I have found love for so many people. I have made so many love stories happen. But this, you, our twisted messed up story, it is the first time I’ve ever felt anything like this for myself. Don’t you see that?”

“So you ended it between me and Camilla because you wanted me for yourself?”

His tone was all wrong. He should have been warmed by my statement. But he wasn’t. His tone was cold, so cold.

"No, Joe," I sighed. He was taking this all wrong. "I didn't know! I had no idea she was with you. I checked her heart and you weren't there. Do you get it? You weren’t on her heart! There was nothing in the files either, nothing! Sofia set this whole thing up. She withheld so much information, because she wanted to get me fired so I couldn’t replace her when my 100-year evaluation came up. Joe, I wouldn't have done it if I knew Camilla loved you. You got to believe me. She didn't love you though. And she just doesn't deserve to be the reason you're upset or the wedge between us."

Joe just stared at me as he processed everything I just said. I took his hand in mine and laced our fingers together. He looked down at our intertwined hands, but made no motion to remove his from my own.

"I really never meant to hurt you. It's the last thing in the world I would want to. You have to believe me." Tears were falling from my eyes, because I knew this was all was still a big mess. I knew it would take a long time to fix this, but I was willing to try. I was willing to do anything it took to show Joe how much I cared for him. "I promise I will never hurt you again. I love you, Joseph Adam Jonas. And even though you frustrate me most of the time, that isn’t going to change. You're worth the risk I’m taking here, because I know in my heart that this is real love, this is the kind you fight for. And I’m willing to fight for us, Joe. But the question is, are you?"

"I love you too," Joe finally said and lightly wiped the tears falling from my eyes away. "This is so hard and filled with so many complications. I can't forgive everything just yet, but I am willing to try. I’m willing to fight for us too, Elle."

"I know. I wouldn't expect you to," I said, looking him directly in the eyes. He didn’t look away, keeping his gaze locked on mine. It gave me hope. "I just want us to try and work past this and hopefully one day we’ll be okay."

He nodded, and looked down at our hands again. I let a weak smile play on my lips. I didn’t know how, but we had somehow made a quiet commitment to try and get past everything that had gone wrong in the last 24 hours. We were going to try to fix us and everything that Sofia put us through. I took Joe’s chin in my hand, feeling the stubble on my fingers. He looked into my eyes again as I leaned forward, hovering a few centimeters away from his lips for a moment. I was still looking into his eyes. I was looking for permission. He smiled and leaned forward and before I knew it, our lips met in perfect synchronization. God, I missed kissed him. As each moment passed, I realized more and more how much I really needed this. I needed Joe to accept me, and kiss me every chance he got. I needed him.

"You two need a ride home?" a man called from behind me and I pulled away from Joe to look. It was an older man standing outside a beat up cab. I looked at Joe. When he stood, his arms still around me, he wobbled a bit and I had to use all of my strength to stop us from falling.

"Yeah we do." I said and somehow managed to pull Joe and me both up before we stumbled over to the cab. He was still pretty buzzed, but I think he had sobered up after our talk. Regardless, I knew I’d need to get food in him soon.

I helped him into the cab and then slid in behind him, closing the door. I looked into the rearview mirror and saw the cab driver smirking at me. I immediately knew who it was. Apollo had apparently changed his appearance from his usual 20 something figure to that of the middle man, driving us right now in what must have been his fiery hot red car transformed into an old taxi. I had to hand it to him, when he helped a friend he really went all in. I was guessing he really wanted to make sure everything worked out the way he saw it.

"Thank you, sir." I said, smiling.

"No problem, Elle," Apollo said, which made me glare at him through the mirror. He just smirked again. Honestly, what cab driver would just know my name but Joe seemed to miss the whole thing in his slightly drunken state.

I shook my head at Apollo and then just settled back into Joe’s arms. He held them securely around me, as if he didn’t want to let me go. I smiled and put my head on his shoulder, loving the feeling of that security. His head fell on top of mine and I sighed in content. I knew we were both broken, but now I knew we would be okay. And right now, at this moment, in each other’s arms, we were just fine. It was a feeling of warmth and love I had not felt for so long.