Can't Have You

I shook the stupid snow that was falling in my hair out of the way since it was making my vision blurry. Sure, I had a hat on but it was only keeping my ears and some of my hair warm. As I kept shaking the snow out I about dropped the 12 dozen donuts and about 30 bagels I was carrying and to make matters worse, I had about 8 cups of coffee I was carrying. I guess being cupid all these years and having to do multiple things at once came in handy when carrying the band’s breakfast.

As I got to the door, I put the donuts down with the coffee and lightly knocked while waiting for someone to answer. After a couple minutes of no answer, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and threw the bagels on the ground. Fuck them if they aren’t going to answer the door! They can have messed up bagels for all I care! I scrolled down to Nick and hit call, but there was no answer. So I tried Kevin, and there was still no answer. I refused to call Joe, even though I was turning into a Popsicle out here. It’s not like he would help me anyways.

Joe refused to acknowledge my presence, and I didn’t really blame him. I realized I felt something for him, but it was too late for him to care anymore. I mean, what guy waits for a girl to find out how she feels, when he has a beautiful girl begging for his attention? Plus, this girl hadn’t waited forever to finally realize she actually loved him like I had. Sure it was my boss, but Joe did love her. The question was, did Sofia really love Joe or was this all some master plan to make my life hell? My bet was on the second one.

I had to put up with her sticking her tongue down Joe’s throat every time I walked into the same room as them. Honestly, it was like this pleasure for her to watch me look on miserably. This shit had been going on for the last month. In fact, the other day I walked in on Joe and Sofia about half naked making out and I flipping pissed. Mrs. Jonas was furious to hear the story about her half naked son and his girlfriend and let’s just say, Joe now has to stay in the hotel room and Sofia has been ordered to ride in the bands bus.

Sofia never stayed with the band though because every time during the night that I waved myself up to Mount Olympus, Sofia was sitting in her office with a watchful eye on me. Just waiting for the moment I slipped back onto the bus with her sleeping ‘Boyfriend’.

I thought about how last night I heard Joe on the phone with Sofia and he had said the L word. I was so mad and hurt; I was crying a river, I swear. But before anyone bothered to notice, I just waved myself up and cried in my room all night as I watched couples around the world fall in love.

Kicking my heel against the wall, I waited for someone to open the door. After a little, I just slid down the wall into the snow sighing. Just as I was about to give up and try and call Joe the door opened and someone in a dark hat looked out. The person with the dark hat looked at me and I realized it was Joe. I smiled weakly at him.

“Why are you sitting out here in the middle of a blizzard?” Joe asked confused as he started to pick up some of the food.

“No one would open the door,” I said quietly “I called everyone but no one answered their phones.”

“You could have called me,” Joe said as we both went to grab the donuts and out hands touched causing us both to jump back and look at each other. He was quick to apologize. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I said awkwardly and grabbed the donuts and coffee quickly. Then started to head inside with Joe on my heels.

Once I got inside I started to feel all the snow melting out of my hair and off my clothes. I’m sure I was leaving a puddle of water behind me which was probably bad because Joe is so clumsy. As we got to the break room I tried to open the door, but started to drop the donuts and the coffee. From behind me, Joe grabbed my waist, trying to save me from spilling everything, only causing both of us to fall back with all the food. As we hit the floor the coffee I was carrying came crashing down on both of us soaking our hair and clothes. I looked down at Joe and he looked back at me. We just started laughing hysterically at each other. When the laughing died down things turned awkward again between us as we just looked at each other and we both started to lean in.

Just as our lips were about to touch, Joe turned his head. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I have a girlfriend now. I shouldn’t have done that.”

My lips were whimpering slightly as I anticipated his touch, and as I felt the burn of the rejection. I had to move away quickly from him because it hurt too much. Unluckily for me, my sudden movement landed next to him in a big puddle of coffee that was dripping off of us.

I didn’t say anything, just looking at him while he struggled to get up. He kept falling and sliding back into the split coffee. I didn’t even have it in me to try. I just sat there, watching him. Finally when he was able to stand up without falling he started walking down the hall, away from me.

Watching him go, watching him truly believe he was in love with Sofia sparked something in me. I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t let myself give into the feeling, but I had to do something. “Joe,” I shouted after him. “Joe, I’m in love with you. I love you!”

He stopped and turned slowly to look at me. “No,” he said sadly after what seemed like forever “Thanks for saying it Elle, but no you don’t. I know you don’t. Please Elle, stop trying, okay? I – I can’t take it anymore,” he sighed and ran a hand through this hair “Look, you can try to get in the way of me and Sofia all you want, but it won’t matter Elle. I’m with her. And – I’m over you.”

Those three words cut through my heart. In 70 years, no matter how many guys I had to leave, even my boyfriend in my human life, I had never felt this way. I had never been hurt this badly. Those three words killed me.

“I’m sorry, Elle,” he said, his voice full of agony, before turning and leaving. I just stood there, immobile for the most part, watching Joe’s back as he walked away. Every step he took was like another blow to my heart, hurtful and disappointing.