You're Attractive but Bitter

I looked out into the crowd and I knew from that moment that everything was going to be okay. She was there staring back at me with her bright smile. I gave her a shout-out and she blushed. But there was still one question going around my head. Did she love me? Or was she here because of what I was doing? She never told me she loved me back and she never showed me how much she loved me. I mean yes, she kissed back at the right moments but her actions can only go so far. She looked the part but somehow I just don’t think she fit it well enough. I mean I liked her. Heck, I loved her and I’ve said it once before but since that day – when she didn’t answer me with the answer I expected – things have changed.

After the show, I felt a wave of pain wash over me as I saw her hugging another guy. Now I know I’m being overdramatic about everything but I just can’t help but wonder sometimes, you know. I wonder if she’s just playing me, if I’m another boy-toy – not that she’s had one before – but there are a lot of things that I don’t about her. We’ve only known each other for a short time and for some reason its okay with me but with her, it’s a whole other story. I’m not sure I’m ready to bounce into it but what the hell.

Once I walked over to her, she focused all her attention on me. She told me about how great she thought I was up there and all the typical things you’d expect to hear from her. I should be happy by now but I can’t make myself think that there isn’t something wrong with the whole situation. The whole time she’s been with me on tour, she started to change and she started to distance herself from me when she thought she could get away without me noticing. I couldn’t help but cringe at the facts all around me and it isn’t hard to see that maybe she’s just using me. I’m just an instrument to her and I don’t like being treated that way. So once we were alone in the bus, I changed and fixed myself so the body odor won’t stink up the bus. Once I went out of the bathroom, she was at the back watching some TV. I walked up to her – stopping by the mini-fridge as I got a bottle of water – and took a seat beside her.

“Anything wrong?” she asked as she took in the frown on my face.

“What? Oh, no. It’s nothing.” I lied.

“If you say so,” She said bluntly.

You see that’s not what I expected. Does she know how to hold a normal conversation? Because that is definitely not it. I’ve had it with her. I need to know the truth and there’s only one way to find out.

“Blaire, can I ask you something?” I asked looking into my water bottle, not meeting her eyes.

At this, she turned off the TV and looked at me. I looked up just in time to see her nod and as soon as she did that, I asked her, “Do you really love me, Blaire.”

You’d think she’d get shocked at this question. You’d think that she’d crumble to pieces but she didn’t. She simply sighed and caressed one side of my face.

“Baby, you already now the answer,” she said with a bright smile on her face. The very same one she showed me while I was up on stage.

“Actually, I don’t. Please enlighten me,” I said almost rudely. My voice was bitter but I didn’t really care at this time.

“Please don’t do this.” She told me and that’s when my eyebrows met.

“Do what exactly?” I asked with a very curious look on my face.

“I can’t believe this,” she said getting up.

“So I guess that’s a no, right?” I said getting up and crossing my arms.

“Isn’t it clear?” she asked me getting angry.

“What is?” I asked her cocking my head to the side.

She sighed as her eyes started to well up. She was actually breaking down.

“Caleb, why are you doing this?” she asked as a few tears flowed from her eyes.

“Doing what?!” I said aggravated.

“That day when we met up that rooftop, it was a definite coincidence. I didn’t know anyone else knew about it and I didn’t even know that you used to live in the apartment building. We met by chance and after that we started hanging out ‘til the sun came down and the moon came up and the sun came up again. We stayed in each other’s arms and I supported you through all the things you’ve done. We shared each other’s secrets and we know what we both like. We stayed up talking for house knowing that tomorrow we’d do it over again. We sang to a lot of songs, we danced to some catchy tunes. We hung out more and more and then we became official. We stayed by each other’s side and we lived by each other’s dreams and we did all this in just a short amount of time.” She said but it didn’t answer my question.

“So, what’s your point?” I asked her as she sighed once more. More tears streamed down her face.

“Fine, maybe this time you win Caleb.” She finally said walking up towards me.

“I don’t follow…” I said not getting anything she’s saying.

“You want the truth? Fine, I’ll give you the truth you need. Caleb, I cannot explain how easy it was for me to play you and use you as my toy. That’s right, you heard me, I used you for your fame – what little fame that is – but the point is, my plan worked. I got to be around more people – guys to be exact – and I get exactly what I want from the – sex. You can call me a whore, you can call me a slut and I won’t care. I’ve been through it all, Caleb. So many guys have fallen over me but hey, it’s not my fault I’m pretty now is it? No, it’s not so get over yourself already. I never really liked you that’s why I couldn’t say what you wanted me to. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just lie to you. I guess I felt guilty after everything. I mean this thing we have, it wasn’t supposed to last this long. It was a short term thing and I’m not sorry for anything I’ve done since I gained so much for it. I’ve lived my life in lies, Caleb and I get away with anything I want to.” She said and somehow, I wasn’t one bit surprised.

Anger flashed inside me and I just couldn’t control myself so I just avoided her eyes and looked away from anything that might lead me to her. She just stood there crying her eyes out which was really unnecessary and senseless. It was weird how she was crying and I wasn’t caring enough.

“So what now?” I asked bluntly after the silence had turned awkward.

“How can you ask me that right now?” she asked me.

“I don’t know but right know, I just don’t give a fuck.” I said as she started screaming.

“So what all we’ve been through is just for nothing?” she said with her eyes and nose red from crying.

“What? Are you bipolar? Dude, you’re not making any sense to me.”

Wasn’t she supposed to just go already? Isn’t that what people do when they’re about to break up? Why was she mending this messed up relationship? I don’t get her at all. Why did I even go out with her in the first place? Wow, so many questions are blasting out of my head.

She started asking me why she even went out with me and saying things that I didn’t care enough to listen to. She’s what you can call an epitome of drama. Maybe with all this shit, she can make her own soap opera, though it wouldn’t make much sense.

She was just in the middle of a sermon, when someone came on the bus all giggly and unaware of everything that was going on.

Once Blaire saw who it was, she quickly made an exit. Once she was gone, time stopped as I came face to face with someone I thought I would never see again.

It was Kate.