You're Attractive but Bitter

After the fifth show, everyone started wrapping up and taking down their merch stands. People who watched the shows started exiting the area and the place seemed emptier with each second. We were moving to another part of the state tonight to continue the rest of the tour. We were going to Austin, Texas.

“Hey Kate, what’d you think about the show?” Jonathan asked me as soon as he went in the backstage.

“You guys kicked some serious ass out there,” I said with a smile as I accompanied him to the FTSK dressing room.

“Aww, you’re such a sweetie,” he said placing his sweaty arms around my shoulders.

“And you’re sweaty! Go take a bath!” I joked and we both laughed.

The rest of the band started entering the room and they were starting to change so since it all seemed sorta awkward for me, I went out of the room so that they can change into clean, dry clothes.

As I went out of the room, I saw Caleb walking towards me. He was probably going to the dressing room to change. I didn’t greet him or say hi since I didn’t really think it was appropriate but as soon as I passed him by, I heard him sigh heavily. I looked back just in time to see him get into the dressing room. He slammed the door behind him as soon as he was fully inside.

I didn’t know why he was acting this way. Did he really not want me here? Was he really that annoyed? I didn’t understand him at all.

I didn’t want to have to hold a grudge this whole tour but he just won’t let me. I want to be friends with him or at least release all this awkward tension between us but ever since I saw him on the bus with that girl who ran away as soon as I got on, he’s been avoiding me big time. I mean why wouldn’t he, right? We didn’t have any friendship instilled in us. We were practically just two strangers who knew each other but only by name and happened to have the same friends and were on the same tour. It felt like that with him even if we did have a small history.

I didn’t want to think about him or anything about him anymore so I exited the backstage and went to look for Blake. Ever since the show ended he went AWOL and told me that he’d be back after a while. Well it’s been a pretty long time since he left so I guess he must be somewhere out there.

The grounds were almost fully empty as I walked through the area. I said hi to some friends I made here and there and asked them if they’ve seen Blake but most of them didn’t know who he was but for those who did know him, they didn’t know where he went. All their answers were somewhat like this: “He just took off and he told us that he’ll be back in an hour or so,”

I went to search for him in the parking lot where the buses and some cars were and saw that his car was in a parking space. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find him.

I searched in between the buses and finally found him but he was there with another girl and they were too close for comfort as far as I can tell.

I hid behind the bus where they were talking so that I wouldn’t ruin anything. I didn’t want to call him out at a time like this. He’d hate me forever if I did – or at least I think he would.

I didn’t know why somehow, deep inside I was sorta hurting. Maybe it was because he was my friend and him having a girlfriend would mean lesser time with me. But I knew I was lying to myself. There was something in me that told me to shut the fuck up and admit that I had feelings for him but I didn’t want to listen to that side of me even if I knew that that side was right. I did have feelings for him. He was handsome, caring, understanding, nice and most probably all the qualities that you’d find in a gentleman.

But I couldn’t love him. No, I couldn’t. Even if I forced myself to, I wouldn’t be able to fully love him for who he is. I mean he’s really cute and everything I want in a guy but I don’t know. I just can’t get over the fact that if I was with him and we’d be something exclusive and then something goes wrong and we’d break up, our friendship – that had taken several years to build – would end up dissolving into small tiny pieces. I couldn’t risk it and I didn’t want to.

I started to walk to the FTSK bus when Austin, Marc and Kent saw the frown on my face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Marc asked as soon as we were close enough for a conversation.

“Did Caleb do something wrong?” Austin asked with a scowl. My head immediately shot up in his direction with a frightened look on my face.

“No, it’s not about Caleb,” I said quickly before they made plans on how to torture him in their heads.

“Then who’s it about then?” Kent finally spoke up.

“Well…” I trailed off and they looked at me with patience. “It’s Blake,” I said and their eyes popped out.

“Why, what’s with him?” Austin asked hesitantly as he searched my face to see if the question offended me.

I breathed in deeply before answering, “Well if we are going to talk about it, can we at least talk in the bus? I mean it’s pretty open out here,” I said and they looked around agreed.

We walked to the bus in silence. Once we got in, we immediately went to the very back and hung out there. I sat on the couch with Marc while Austin and Kent sat on the floor. When I thought they were settled, I started to tell them about Blake and how I felt about him. I told them that I really wanted to be with him but knew that I was going to risk the friendship if I did. They all agreed that I was truly going to waste a very important friendship but they had several encouraging comments.

One of them being: “Don’t worry, Kate if it doesn’t work out with you guys, you’ll always have us to lean on,”

It was tempting, really but I really didn’t want to risk it. They didn’t agree with me on that but I had to make that decision. It seemed like the right one.

“But we’ll still be best friends, right Kate?” Austin asked me and the other two looked at me expectantly.

“Dude, I’d be lying if I said no,” I said casually and they all attacked me with a group hug.

“Hey! You guys didn’t invite me to your love fest?” Jonathan chimed in and ran to where the group hug was and joined in.

“Guys, get off me!” I said gasping for air. “You’re all so heavy!” I exclaimed and they laughed as they piled off of me.

“Weak,” Kent said and I laughed.

“Speak for yourself,” I said with a hint of sarcasm and the others laughed while Kent narrowed his eyes at me.

We all just sat their and talked about how excited we were for the tour – well I was just listening, really – when Kyle arrived with Caleb trailing behind him.

“Hey Kate,” he called motioning me to go over to where he was.

“What’s up?” I asked him all cheered up from the pep talk my new best friends gave me. Not one trace of sadness was fairly noticeable.

“Oh, nothing it’s just…” he paused as he dragged me away from the rest of the guys for a little privacy. “I had a talk with Caleb and seems to me that there’s unfinished business with you two,” he said just above a whisper.

“What are you talking about?” I asked him and he sighed.

“I just want everyone to be friends, okay?” he said not really answering my question.

“Well, it’s really hard to do that when he’s avoiding me 24/7 or maybe even more than that,” I whined and he looked to the side to see what the others were up to.

“Look, Kate, we’re gonna be going to Austin in a while and it’s gonna be a long drive from here to there – three whole hours to be exact and the tension between you two is just…” he paused looking for the right word, “intense,” he said and I rolled my eyes at the adjective he chose to use.

“But there’s really nothing between the two of us,” I told him convincingly. “It’s like he and I are completely oblivious to each other,” I told him but he didn’t believe me.

“Okay, okay this is between you two. Don’t drag me into this,” he said not wanting to argue anymore.

The rest of the guys looked our way for a while and then back to the screen that they were watching but Caleb just kept looking my way. I felt sorta awkward under his gaze so I went out of the bus to get some air.

Maybe Kyle was right about the deep tension between the two of us because as he stared, I immediately felt what he was talking about. I wanted to fix this badly but I didn’t know how. I tried to think of some ways but they all turned out to be pretty bad ideas. I hated myself for not being able to find the right solution but what more can I do?

The happiness that I was feeling slowly turned into a multitude of turmoil and my eyes were starting to well up. I didn’t want to have to think about losing Blake and getting along with Caleb just yet but it seems as though time was against me. Time was turning on me, making it my worst enemy.

I was just breathing in and out deeply, trying to hold the tears inside my eyes against the bus when I heard someone come down the steps. I looked away from the door and faced the other buses that were slowly starting to pack up their stuff for the move. Most of them were either getting on the bus already or loading the last box of precious merchandise into the trunk of the bus.

The person who walked out of the bus leaned against the bus right beside me but in a comfortable distance. I looked to see who it was and to my surprise, I saw the familiar red head that broke me apart for some lame old bet. I sighed as I pushed off the bus and started to walk but he immediately grabbed me by the hand willing me to lend him an ear.

“Look, it’s not like this was voluntary and I know what Kyle talked to you about.” I spun around as I let his hand slip off mine and faced him ready to listen to whatever he had to say. “Kate, I know I’ve been an ass to you and you have no reason to forgive me but being with you on this tour with this kind of relationship won’t do us or the rest of the band any good.” He said.

I was listening intently to him as he looked me straight in the eye trying yet again to be sincere. I think I may have believed his sincerity but then his reputation dawned on me. It was then that I knew that I shouldn’t really take him seriously.

“I don’t want to have to dislike someone on this tour, Kate. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I don’t want anything to hinder me from having a good time so I just hope that maybe you could forgive me so that we can be friends and this tour will be something way better than it is now.” He said and took a deep breath.

I considered it for a while and then thought about the rest of the guys we were sharing a bus with. It would be sad to have two people who didn’t get along for the rest of the tour. And what’s so wrong with being friends with him? It’s not like it was going to hurt anyone.

“Okay, maybe we can be friends,” I said with a small smile and he smiled widely.

I put out a hand for him to shake but he smirked at it and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t really do anything for the first few seconds since I was still trying to process everything but after a few more, I hugged him back.

When he let go, I asked him if I could be alone for a while. He nodded and went back up the bus. I turned around to see if everyone was already where they were supposed to be but as I turned around, a shocked Blake was staring right back at me. I was going to tell him about the peace treaty with Caleb but he ran away as quickly as he could.

What did I do now? Maybe he saw me and Caleb and immediately thought that there was an underlying message to the one Caleb and I drew out. Blake didn’t hear the conversation so why was he so quick to judge? I was going to start another search for him when Kyle told me that it was time to go.

“Kyle, I need to find Blake.” I told him urgently with fear in my eyes.

“Kate, we’ll be heading to the same place. Don’t worry, you’ll find him later.” Kyle was clearly tired. I didn’t want to get him stressed out so I did as he told and got on the bus.

“Kate, if you wanna rest up, you can take my bunk. I’ll take the couch,” Kyle suggested as we went in.

“No, Kyle I’ll take the couch,” I said and went to the back without waiting for him to start another petty argument.

The bus started to move after a few minutes and the guys were all asleep – or at least in their bunks where I couldn’t see them.

Blake got it all wrong and I wanted to tell him but he wasn’t answering my calls or replying to the texts I sent. I started to worry about him but I couldn’t tell the other guys. They’ve been through enough for the night.

I was just lying on the couch that I had all to myself when suddenly, my eyes got heavy and I drifted off into a deep sleep.