Fake It

Joe falls asleep every night next to his beautiful wife.

Their three children sleep down the hall, two boys and a girl. Joe almost feels sorry for his little girl, the youngest. She’s still tiny and fragile, but she’s a good baby, like Nicky had been. All three of his boys had been terrors but she… she’s an angel. A real daddy’s girl, too. She’s gonna grow up with two protective older brothers, ones who would put the fear of God in her boyfriends and make sure no one messed with their little sister.

It breaks his heart sometimes, how well she wears her name. He named her Nichole, didn’t even ask Demi. The moment he saw her, held her in his arms, he knew. Demi didn’t understand, still doesn’t, and probably never will. Why should she? Nick hasn’t spoken to him in seven years, why would he name his baby after him? A brother who doesn’t care.

Demi doesn’t understand. It isn’t that Nick doesn’t care. It’s that Nick cares too much.

Just like Joe does.

Joe falls asleep every night next to his beautiful wife, their children sleeping down the hall.

And he dreams of Nick.

No one mentions Nick to Joe. Their mother use to… She was always wanting them to “talk out their differences”. She would never understand that the only difference they have is the one she would never want them to agree on. Joe knows they can never be together, but Nick believes otherwise.

Nick’s a dreamer, always has been. Nick thinks that love can overcome anything and Nick loves Joe more than anything. Joe knows how the world really is, knows that two brothers together? That’d get them thrown in jail or some other self-righteous do-gooder would have taken matters into their own hands.

Joe chose to let Nick dream and chose to be the one to break both their hearts.

He regrets it every day of his life… but he wouldn’t ever take it back.

Joe and Demi go back to Jersey for Thanksgiving. His mother and Kevin’s wife fawn over Nichole, still the only girl in the family, while Frankie teaches his younger boy how to throw a baseball and Kevin’s boys make trouble with his oldest at the center of it all.

It’s Kevin that finds him in Nick’s old room, holding a faded old picture of the two of them when they were little. Nick’s curls are in his face and Joe’s got a grin wide enough his cheeks must have been hurting. They look all of six and nine.

“Whatever happened between you and Nick?” Kevin asks and if anyone has a right to know, it’s Kevin. But Joe’s so good at secrets anymore.

“Things change, Kev,” Joe mutters, his thumb dancing over the edge of an old photograph. Joe drops it down onto Nick’s old bed and turns away.

Joe’s heart breaks a little more. Kevin’s hand is heavy on his shoulder, squeezing and comforting and he thinks back to when he was fourteen and Kevin could solve all his problems.

Joe gets the call in the middle of the night. Their father’s had a heart attack and he isn’t doing so good. Joe’s on the first flight out.

It’s the first time in eight years that Joe sees Nick. His hair is long, those unruly curls falling past his shoulders. He’s got this scraggily beard, dressed in baggy jeans that have holes in the knees and faded t-shirts that look like the ones he wore when he was fourteen. The saddest part has to be his eyes, cold and dead and completely lifeless.

They’re standing in the hospital and Joe feels like he’s sixteen except Nick’s here with him. His mother is in his arms, but he’s holding her as she cries instead of the other way around. Kevin’s got both arms around Frankie, both of them with red-rimmed eyes. And Nick’s right there, staring at Joe.

Joe steps away from their mother, but Kevin’s there to support her. Joe crosses the waiting room in three quick strides to stand before Nick. They stare at one another for a while and then Nick’s crying and Joe’s crying and they’re both holding each other so hard it hurts.

Joe has both hands fisted into Nick’s curls, his face pressed into his nick, mouth against his ear.

“It’s gonna be okay, Nicky. Everything’s gonna be okay now. Promise.” Joe whispers it desperately and Nick clings harder.

Joe wonders if Nick still believes him.

“When you coming home, Joseph?” Demi asks into the phone. She sounds tired and Joe can hear crying in the background mixed with his boys’ yells. His heart wrenches because even though he can’t love her, he loves those kids.

Joe looks over his shoulder at Nick, still asleep in bed. His hair’s been cut, his face is clean shaven, and he looks all of eighteen when he’s sound asleep like that. The pillow next to him is still dented from Joe, the sheets are probably still warm.

“I don’t know.”

“You know… you know I loved your father, Joe. He was a good man. But Kevin’s looking after your mom and they say they haven’t seen you all week. We need you home, too.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Its just… Nick….”

“Nick? This is about Nick? You don’t see the man in a decade and now what? You’re best friends?”

“He’s always been my best friend.”

“He’s missed every one of the kids’ births. Every one of their birthdays. Every Christmas, every fucking holiday. Every one! Why is he so god damn important?”

“Because he’s Nick,” Joe snapped, flipping his cell phone closed. He sat at the table and buried his face in both hands. He felt ill.

“Joey?”

Joe looks up and his breath catches. Nick’s hair is all over the place, hanging in eyes that were still sleepy and at half-mast, his skin pale and freckles standing out and fuck how had Joe ever left him? How had Joe ever lived without him?

Joe isn’t aware he’s moving until he’s pressing Nick back down into the mattress, pressing their mouths together, and marveling at how perfectly they fit together. Nick’s hands clutch at his shoulders desperately, pulling him closer, and pants into his mouth.

Everything is just so perfect.

“I have to go.”

“Don’t… Don’t do this to me…” It’s a broken plea, a bare whisper that is hoarse, torn from a throat that’s been ripped raw from sobs.

Joe can’t look at Nick while he packs. He keeps his eyes on his hands and bites his lip until it bleeds, sharp and metallic in his mouth. The taxis waiting and Joe slides into the back. Nick collapses onto the lawn when Joe makes the mistake of looking back.

The taxi drops him off at the airport. He throws up in the bathroom until he’s weak enough, he passes out and sleeps through the flight.

Demi greets him with a smile and a kiss. He can’t even fake it anymore.