Sick Boy

Gerard came home in a flurry of cell phones and car keys. When he came in the door, to Ryan’s dismay, he was on the phone deep in an argument with Ray or Frank or something. No. He doesn’t have enough time for you Ryan.

“Look, I can’t sing that! Can’t we just keep that part in C? No? Oh god, why not? Don’t gimme that shit. That is bullshit. Bullshit.”

Ryan got up and tried to kiss Gerard on the cheek. But he merely received a disgruntled, “GetoffRyan,” and a push away. Holy shit. The man really was to busy for his boyfriend, best friend and current…well…something. Ryan, you do still mean something to the man? Right? Dear god, please.

“Gee…” Ryan cooed quietly.

“Ray, I’m—I gotta go. Um…can’t you just—track drums for now. Ryan’s here.” Gerard snapped his phone shut and looked towards Ryan, now sitting on the couch, looking sad.

“Hey,” Ryan muttered.

“Hi Ryan,” Gerard found a smile spreading across his face. Even if he was somewhat unpleased with Ryan. Even if he didn’t know if he were liked by Ryan. Even if he just didn’t know anything about the boy anymore, Gerard smiled. “I—I missed you.”

Ryan got up, still slightly hurt from getting pushed away a moment before, and embraced Gerard, “God—Gee, I’m sorry about all this.”

“All what?”

“Everything.”

“Whaddaya mean everything?” Gerard asked, in an attempt to sound puzzled. His Jersey accent kicked in though—it always did when he was doing something stupid. Gerard, you know very well that Ryan has a lot to apologize for. And you ought to let him. You had shit to apologize for last year, now he’s got problems to own up too this year. Last year you were insain, this year you’re falling in between insain and sain—somewhere. Last year, Ryan was sick. And he still is. Last year was all about you. Now stop being so selfish and let this beautiful, yet imperfect boy across from you have his turn.

“Gee, you know what I mean,” Ryan began to feel his eyes water up. Oh shit Ryan. Shit. Boys don’t cry. They do not cry. Got it? But then again, you’re so girly that you hardly count as a boy. And no one’s gonna know—except Gerard. And he wouldn’t dare tell—would he? Please. No he wouldn’t. Oh god, no.

“Ryan, don’t cry,” Gerard mumbled, “Please don’t. Ohmygod, please do not cry. I hate it when you cry.”

“I never cry though!” Ryan protested into Gerard’s neck—hiding his face there was quite a pleasant hiding place.

Gerard chuckled and smoothed Ryan’s hair, “Yeah you do. Don’t worry though, nobody’s perfect.”

“But I’m so goddamn…imperfect.” Practically imperfect in almost every way, the anti-Marry Poppins. Dear God, Ryan. Your musicals obsession has gotten out of hand.

Gerard smiled to himself, “Yeah. But so am I.” Fuck Mikey for being so damn right all the time.” Fuck, fuck, fuck. And he was younger! Goddamn. Luck and knowledge—both wasted on the young. The twentysomethings got it all and left the thirtysomethings with nothing but shit.

“Gee—I didn’t mean to loose that thing. It’s…I’m sorry.”

“Are we talking about your Sidekick? And um…going public and all?”

“Yeah. I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.” Now Ryan was really sobbing and his voice was shaking. Sickly, he sounded. But that made sense. He was sick. Goddamn sick. Whether he was still Gerard’s Sick Boy—that remained to be seen, but he was definitely just as sick as he had been before.

“Ryan, it doesn’t matter. Stop crying, you shouldn’t be crying. It hasn’t change the way I feel about you…this whole thing being public. It doesn’t make us different people. Please Ry, understand that.”

Ryan nodded, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, “I’m sorry. Seriously, I’m sorry.”

Gerard found himself giggling slightly, that insain giggle he despised so much, “I know. I can tell.” Bring up the drinking! Bring it up now. C’mon, c’mon. No…wait. He’s already sorry enough as it is. Don’t make him feel even worse. Tomorrow. It can wait.

Ryan was still apologizing, repeating the now empty ‘sorry,’ over and over again in a dying attempt to be sincere.

“Sleep, Sick Boy,” Gerard muttered, reminding himself of his own song, “…So shut your eyes, cant sleep at night, and sleep. Just sleep.”

“The hardest part,” Ryan found himself singing along, “is letting go of your dreams.” His eyes began to droop, he found himself leaning hard against Gerard.

“C’mon,” Gerard noticed Ryan’s energy level and stopped singing, “You need to sleep.”

“I can’t,” Ryan protested, dragging his feet as Gerard led him down the hall. But you know, Ry, you know it does sound pretty good. It began to rain outside and Ryan rubbed his eyes.

“Yeah you can,” Gerard muttered opening the door, “Take off your shoes. And your jeans too—you won’t be very comfortable. Your sweatpants are in the drawer over there—c’mon, gimme your sunglasses.”

Ryan yawned and looked at Gerard, “Are you going to come and lie with me?”

“Mhm, but you get in first. You look absolutely exhausted.”

Ryan did as he was told, too tired to protest and lie down. He would not fall asleep—it would never happen. He had hardly slept in the past week. There was no way Gerard Way would just step in and magically make him fall asleep. Hell…no. Oh my, oh, oh no…

Gerard climbed in the bed next to him, pulled the blanket up over his chest and smoothed Ryan’s hair like a baby, “Just sleep. Just…go to sleep, Ryan.” Gerard wasn’t stupid. He knew when Ryan was hung over and when he wasn’t sleeping. And it helped that Spencer had texted him. Yes. Ryan had a network of friends he didn’t even know about that looked after him better than he would ever know.

“I love you Gee.”

“I love you too Ry.”

And so Ryan’s eyes began to close for the night. It didn’t matter that Gerard and Ryan still had about a million more challenges to go, starting the next day, but for the moment, they got to enjoy each other. Ryan was still sick, Gerard was seemingly sain. For the moment, they didn’t remember they had shit to deal with. For the moment they didn’t remember how many people they had to explain themselves to. For the moment, they were just Ryan and Gerard.