Poker Face

I don’t know how long it was after, but I felt my self come back to my senses. When I finally opened my eyes, I was still on the ground but I had been propped up into a sitting position by someone holding me up. There was a circle of people all around me, staring. When they saw I was awake, a horde of questions were fired at me.

“Are you okay?”

“What happened?”

“How are you feeling?”

“Do you need help?” Etc, etc. I didn’t answer, I was too stunned to answer. Suddenly, there was a commotion coming from behind one section of the crowd, and I could tell someone was pushing their way through.

“Watch it…move…excuse me…watch out…get out of my way,” Kris said, finally emerging through the people. “Jaime! What the hell happened?” He knelt down next to me, then glared at the guy behind me who was holding me up. I felt the guy get up and leave, and soon after the rest of the crowd dispersed. Kris grabbed my arm and pulled me up swiftly. I pulled away harshly, not because I was mad but because he was hurting me. I held my arm gingerly and he looked sorry.

For like, a second.

“I couldn’t find you,” I started. “People kept running into me…I panicked and blacked out,” I told him, shrugging. He just shook his head and grabbed both our bags, leading us out of the airport. We sat in silence in the cab, and I just stayed quiet as Kris checked us into our hotel. I followed him up to our rooms, which were right next to each other. He opened my door first to get my bags in. He put them to the side and then stared at it, like he was zoning out.

I just stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, not sure what to do. I sat down on the edge of my bed lightly, wincing at the pain. After a few moments, I turned to Kris, who was just staring at the ceiling. “So, what’s on the agenda?” I asked softly. He turned and glared at me.

“How about you just focus on staying out of the way,” he replied. I bit my lip but nodded none the less. Usually I had snappy comebacks, but I was really not in the mood.

“Sorry,” I whispered, getting up and heading toward the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and immediately turned on the shower, hoping to wash my troubles away. Too bad it didn’t really help. I got out, wrapped a towel around myself and stood in front of the mirror, ready to do my routine of getting ready. I cracked the door open to let the steam out and then I ran my hand along the mirror to wipe away the condensation. I reached toward the sink to turn it on but then did a triple take at my reflection. The bruise on my jaw was big, much bigger than I had anticipated. There were other bruises along my face and body, from when I was struggling with Carl. I shivered at the memory, and felt tears spring to my eyes. The bruises hurt too, and were worse because of the scene at the airport. I started crying hard after that, and slid to the floor unable to control my sobbing. A few moments later I heard the door creak open, and Kris knelt in front of me with a questioning look on his face.

“Th-the br-bruises-” I hiccupped out. It was all I had to say, because Kris seemed to understand. He picked me up in his arms and carried me out of the bathroom. He sat on my bed, cradling me to his chest.

“Shh, Jaime, breathe,” Kris instructed me upon noticing I was having trouble with it. He wiped my cheeks with his thumb and held my face, forcing me to look at him. “Breathe,” he said softly. I tried to calm my breathing and take slow breaths, and when Kris saw I was getting better he kissed my forehead and leaned his cheek there after. Eventually I calmed down, and realized I had been clutching Kris tightly.

“Sorry,” I whispered, letting go.

“It’s okay,” he chuckled. “I can handle it.”

“No, I mean about everything. I’m sorry that you’re being forced to deal with me,” I clarified. He sighed and pulled me closer to him, but didn’t say anything. A little later, he pulled away.

“I’m going to my room,” he said. And with that, he left. I was really starting to get fed up with his mood swings. I changed into comfy clothes and laid down in bed. It was late, and the jet lag made me even more tired, so I fell asleep easy.

The next morning, I was awakened by a knock on my door. I got up and answered it, and Kris stood on the other side, mostly dressed apart from his tie which just hung around his neck.

“Hey,” I greeted.

“Hey,” he replied shortly. “Get ready. We’re leaving soon.” He walked away, not waiting for a response. I sighed and shut the door, getting ready for the day. A short while later Kris and I went to where they were having the memorial services for Luc. Kris kind of ignored me the whole time, but every time I’d try to give him space he’d freak out and keep me close. At the end of it he left me so he could have some private time with Luc’s family.

Once he was done, he searched the room for me, and as he got nearer I could see the tears in his eyes. He didn’t say anything as I brushed more tears off his face and ran my hand through his hair a few times. He closed his eyes and relaxed into my touch. “Will you stay with me tonight?” He requested, voice husky from all the emotion. “Nothing needs to happen, I just-”

“Of course,” I answered, nodding my head. He smiled slightly at me and we went back to the hotel.

We made our way up to his room and once we were inside he shut and locked the door behind me. I waited for him to turn around, but he kept his head against the door. I stepped towards him and ran my hand up and down his back softly. He tensed for a second before turning around and engulfing me in his arms, holding me tightly.

I was startled at first, but soon brought my hands around to rub his back again and run them soothingly through his hair. His face was buried in my neck and his arms were clutching me for dear life. He shuddered lightly, and I realized he was crying. I held him a while longer and just let him cry, and his grip on me was never undone. When his hold would start to loosen and he would feel his hands start slipping, he would reach wildly around my body and cling tighter, as if I would disappear if he let go.

“I’m here, Kris. I’m not going anywhere, it’s okay.” Another sob rocked his body and he straightened out, still holding me. He looked down at me and his expression tore through my heart. I reached up and wiped his cheeks again, and he leaned his forehead against mine. “Do you want me to make coffee or something?” I asked, noticing the coffee maker in the little kitchenette. He nodded softly so I started to pull away. He gripped tightly for a second before realizing he had to let go. He stayed close behind me though, settling for holding my hand.

“There’s tea there too…can you make tea instead?” He requested.

“Sure,” I told him as I set to work. He just stood there watching me as I made the tea. “Why don’t you go sit on the bed and watch some TV?” He shook his head no. “Okay…at least go change into something more comfortable?” He shook his head no again and stepped towards me, taking me in his arms again and burying his face in my neck.

I hugged him back before taking his hand and leading him away from the kitchen. I took him to the bedroom area and forced him to sit on the bed. I went to his duffel bag and rifled through it. I could feel him watching me the whole time and I suddenly felt self conscious. I grabbed a black wife beater and sweat pants from his bag and turned around, handing them to him.

“Change,” I said softly. “You’ll feel better.” He nodded and let me walk back to the kitchen. It was weird seeing Kris so vulnerable…he looked on the outside what he made me feel on the inside. I’d never tell him that of course, but it’s true. As I stood there waiting for the tea to brew, I really thought about what I was doing. Why was I still here? I felt bad for him, sure, but he didn’t deserve my kindness. He used me all the time and I here I was making him tea. I turned around to tell him to pour his own damn tea and that I was leaving, but then I saw him, sitting pathetically on the bed, staring at the blank TV screen. I sighed, and poured him his damn cup of tea. “Do you want sugar?” I called.

“Please,” he said, just above a whisper. When I was done making our cups I walked them over to him. I handed him his and stood before him, drinking my own. “Sit?” He requested, motioning to the space next to him. I sat down kind of far from him to make a point, but he just scooted over next to me, oblivious. I sighed and wondered how long it would be before he tried taking off my clothes.

“You wanna watch TV?” I asked. He just shook his head no. “So what do you want to do Kris? Just sit here in silence?” I snapped. He looked up at me in pain, and I immediately felt bad. Why was it that when I looked at him like that (after him saying much worse things, I might add) he didn’t give a shit? “I’m sorry, Kris. I just…I’m not a mind reader, you know? You have to let me know what’s going on in that thick head of yours,” I teased, rapping my knuckles on the side of his head. He smiled slightly and let out a soft chuckle. I smiled back, knowing I made him feel at least a little better.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted softly. “I don’t want to do anything. But I also don’t want to sit here and do nothing.”

“Well that helps,” I sighed. I smiled at him to let him know I was just teasing him.

“Can you just tell me what to do? I mean, if you just make me do something I’ll do it,” he said. I looked at him confused.

“Like when you asked me to get dressed and I didn’t want to. But when you grabbed the clothes and made me get dressed…it was easier. I didn’t have to make a choice. I don’t want to have to think tonight, I just want to…be.” Although what he said made absolutely no sense, I understood him. I grabbed his tea form him and stood up.

“Get under the covers,” I said softly. He did what he was told and he propped himself up on the pillows so he was sitting against the headboard. I handed him his tea and turned the TV on. I flipped through the channels a bit before I found a movie. Then I handed him the remote and went back into the kitchen, throwing away the last bit of my cup of tea. I sighed and slid my shoes and coat back on.

“What are you doing?” Kris asked from the bedroom behind me. I turned to look at him, and although he was still in the bed the covers had been thrown off, like he was about to get up. I walked toward him and he relaxed a little bit, pulling the covers back over his legs.

“I was gonna go…you’ll be okay, right?” I confirmed. Suddenly the covers were thrown off him again and he shot up in front of me.

“What? No…why…” He bumbled.

“Kris-”

“I thought you said you’d stay tonight?” He recalled accusingly.

“I don’t think I should,” I confessed.

“Why not? ” he pleaded, grabbing my upper arms with his hands lightly. I gave him a pointed stare. “Jaime, I…I didn’t mean it like that. I just don’t…Je ne veux pas être seul.”

“I don’t speak French, Kris,” I smiled.

“I know…that’s why I said it in French,” he said, grinning sheepishly. I looked up at him, waiting. I knew eventually he’d tell me what he said. He shook his head at me, knowing what I was waiting for, as a gesture of ‘I’m not telling.’

“Okay well, I’m going to go,” I said, pulling away. I’ll see you-” He groaned lightly and pulled me back into him. “Yes?” I asked innocently.

“Idunwannobalone,” he muttered.

“What?” I chuckled. He leaned his forehead on my shoulder and groaned again.

“Please don’t make me say it again,” he whispered. I laughed lightly and pretended to be pulling away again. His head shot up and he looked me dead in the eyes.

“I don’t want to be alone,” he stated clearly. My face softened and I ran my fingers over his face. I didn’t agree to stay or anything, but when I felt him try and slyly take off my coat I didn’t stop him. “You’ll stay?”

“I suppose,” I huffed dramatically with a smirk. He smiled and pulled me in for a hug. He lifted me up suddenly and threw me over his shoulder. “Kris!” I squealed. He laughed and I felt him push my shoes off and slap me on the butt before dropping me on the bed. This time he was the one ruffling through his bag and he pulled out a large t-shirt.

“Is this okay for you as pajamas?” He asked, holding it up for me. I nodded and grabbed it, getting up and heading towards the bathroom. He grabbed my hand and spun me into his chest.

“What? I’m going to change,” I said, looking up into his eyes. He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips before moving and placing more kisses along my jaw.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen it all before, mon chérie,” he murmured into my skin, moving to kiss my neck. I hadn’t even noticed he had unbuttoned my shirt until he pulled it off of me. He trailed kisses along my shoulders and the rest of my newly exposed skin. His hands also trailed over my skin, causing goose bumps to appear. Again, his actions of him unzipping my skirt went unnoticed until I felt it fall to the floor. He went back to my neck and immediately found my spot, like he had done so many times before.

“Kris,” I moaned. I felt him smirk into my skin before he trailed his kisses back up my neck to my jaw, before finally settling back on my lips. It was a light kiss, and he pulled away soon after. Before I could say anything he pulled the shirt over my head, and it just barely covered my butt. I slipped my arms through the sleeves and looked back up at Kris. He pecked me on the lips quickly before getting in bed. He lifted the covers up and motioned for me to get in also. I got in and he pulled me close as we turned our attention back to the television.

Before long, I felt myself get sleepy and I was out like a light. I awoke a few hours later when I felt Kris jolt up suddenly. My hand had been on his chest so when he sat up it slid down to his hips. I sat up behind him, keeping my arm around the front of his waist and rested my chin on his shoulder. He was breathing heavily so I trailed my other hand up and down his back. He grabbed the hand that was across his waist and played with my fingers while he calmed down.

The hand that had been rubbing his back now went to the back of his head and neck, massaging it. His eyes closed for a long moment and he took a deep breath. He turned his head and looked at me, before turning the rest of his body and pulling me in for a hug. He laid down while hugging me, so now his head was resting in the crook of my neck and his arm was slung across my hips, pulling me closer.

As if I could get closer.

My hand continued playing with his hair and with every stroke I saw his eyes flutter close and try to open again. Soon he stopped fighting back all together and just let himself relax into my touch. His steady breathing told me he was asleep, and I followed suit soon after.

The next thing I knew, I heard a phone ringing and felt Kris shift on top of me. He groaned and pushed himself up, getting his phone across the room.

“Hello?” He answered huskily. I sat up and stretched a little bit. “Yeah, okay. Sure. See you then…bye.” He hung up his phone and looked up at me. “Are you going to the funeral?”

“Do you want me to?” I replied. He just shrugged.

“I don’t care. I’m going to take a shower,” he said simply, going into the bathroom. I was wondering when the indifferent, asshole Kris would resurface. I sighed and went into the kitchen. I started to make a pot of coffee and waited for Kris to come out. He emerged a few minutes later and I wordlessly went in after him, changing back into my nice clothes. When I walked out, Kris was sitting at the counter in the kitchen, fully dressed and reading the paper. He didn’t acknowledge me when I walked in, or when I handed him a cup of coffee. I poured myself a cup and went back over to him.

“How are you feeling?” I asked nicely. He just shrugged again, not answering me as he sipped his coffee. I put my own cup down and walked away. I put on my coat and shoes and grabbed my purse. I stood there for a second, debating whether I wanted to tell him off or say nothing at all. “Um…well if you don’t need me around anymore I’m gonna go.” He glanced up at me before turning back to his paper.

“I never needed you, let’s be clear on that,” he remarked. Wow.

“Yeah…we’re clear,” I said softly, causing him to look at me again. I gave him a sad smile before walking out. I was so upset, but I wasn’t sure if it was sadness or anger. Probably both. I walked back into my own room and locked the door behind me. I grabbed my bags and shoved all my belongings back in. I figured since he didn’t need me, I was going home. I didn’t care if Sid was going to have a bitch fit.