Poker Face

I walked back to the hotel since it wasn’t that far of a drive anyway. On my way, Callie called me.

“Where are you?!” She demanded as soon as I answered. “Kris said you just disappeared.” I rolled my eyes.

“I wanted to walk…it’s not that far. I’m almost there,” I assured her, deciding not to out Kris.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She double checked.

“Yep,” I confirmed, trying to sound happy. The last thing I needed was for her to find out what happened and tell Jordan. I didn’t want to cause tension in the team, especially during the Cup.

“Okay…I’ll talk to you later,” she finished. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I had reached the hotel and made my way up to the room. Once I got there I showered and changed into my pajamas, getting ready for bed. I tossed and turned in the bed for a while before I finally drifted off to sleep. I’m not sure how long I had been sleeping before I felt a hand on my hip and another trace small circles under my shirt on my back. I turned my head to look, and unsurprisingly I saw Kris.

“What are you doing?” I asked groggily, pushing his hands off of me. Not even two seconds later his hands were on me again, this time pulling my body to snuggle with his.

“I told you I’d give you a massage tonight,” he whispered in my ear.

“Don’t expect one back,” I countered. “Also, that was hardly a massage.” I heard him sigh.

“You were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you,” he muttered.

“Good job,” I replied sarcastically. He was silent after that so I began drifting back off to sleep.

“Jaime,” he said softly but firmly.

“Hm?” I sounded.

“We should talk,” he stated, moving his hand along my side to try and wake me up. I turned around to face him.

“Okay,” I responded, looking at him. He looked back at me for a long time before finally opening his mouth.

“What I said earlier-”

“Don’t worry about it,” I assured, cutting him off. He looked at me strangely. Before he could say anything I continued. “It’s not like the fact that you hate me is a secret.” His hand stopped moving and it rested on the curve of my hip.

“Hate you?” He echoed. I just looked at him. “Jaime, I don’t…” he trailed off, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again he looked angry. “If I hated you I wouldn’t even talk to you, let alone do the things we do.” He sat up, so I followed. “You think I would go through all this hassle if I hated you?” He asked, motioning towards me. So, now I was a hassle? “You don’t think I could’ve just gotten sex anywhere else?” It was true, he could get it whenever, with or without me.

“Oh, I know you can. You get it the second I’m out of your sight,” I replied, referring to the other girls he always flaunted. He narrowed his eyes at me. “Okay Kris, since apparently I have you all wrong, correct me. Tell me how you can say some of the things you say to me and then…” I felt tears form, and I did not want to cry in front of him.

“What, I can’t be attracted to someone I don’t get along with?” He defended. “Look at you Jaime! You’re gorgeous!” He finished that lovely statement by gazing at my chest. How romantic. “I just don’t get along with you, that’s all.”

“Have you ever tried?” I challenged. I thought he would think about it, but his answer was automatic.

“No.” After I gave him a meaningful look he continued. “I never wanted to. You’ve never really interested me that much,” he shrugged. He didn’t see the hurt expression on my face because he was too busy looking at my cleavage again. “Your body, on the other hand…” he trailed off suggestively. He was being honest, which I supposed I was grateful for, but his words cut me deep. He didn’t care about me. Not at all.

“So,” I started, refusing eye contact. “That’s all I’m good for then? Sex?”

“I don’t know what else you’re good for. Like I said, I don’t really know you that well. You’re good at sex though. Why do you think I keep coming back?” He smiled and leaned in, kissing my neck. I wanted to be angry at him, but I knew he hadn’t meant to say it hurtfully. He was just telling it how it was. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want him to fake caring for me. So I just sat there. I let him kiss me. I let him guide me through the motions. I let him collapse on top of me when it was finished. When I heard his steady breathing, that’s when I cried. I finally realized that I wasn’t good enough. Not for my parents. Not for my friends or past boyfriends. And especially not for Kristopher Letang.

When I woke up the next morning Kris was still on top of me, sleeping. I tried slinking out of the bed unnoticed, but I felt his grip tighten around me. His eyes blinked open slowly and he took in his surroundings. He looked up at me and smirked before letting his head plop back down on my sheet clad chest.

“Mm-morning,” he drawled. He pushed himself up onto his arm and looked down at me. “You okay?” I nodded and started getting up. Before I could get anywhere he laid his other hand on my shoulder, halting me. “Your eyes are red…did you not sleep?” His hand moved up to my face and stroked my cheeks.

“I’m fine,” I lied, slipping out of his grasp. He watched me as I grabbed my bag and headed into the bathroom. I got dressed and stuff and exited the bathroom a while later. I set my bag down and when I turned around, Kris was standing right in front of me.

“Hi,” he said automatically. I jumped slightly, not expecting him there. He extended his hand out to me and I saw a cup of coffee. “I decided to make it for once,” he smirked. I smiled lightly at him and took the cup.

“Thanks,” I stated quietly, taking a small sip. He watched me and soon his eye brows knitted together.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look right,” he observed. I wanted to say something along the lines of ‘Like you care,’ but I bit back the remark.

“Yeah, just worn out,” I told him. He nodded, taking my hips and pulling them to his own.

“Anything I can help you with?” He whispered huskily in my ear, kissing the lobe quickly. I shook my head no and pulled away. I heard him sigh as I walked past him into the living room area. “Jaime, please. Tell me what’s wrong.” This time I couldn’t help myself as I turned around swiftly.

“Don’t pretend to give a shit about me now, Kris,” I spat. He looked taken aback for a second before matching my glare.

“Is this about last night?” He questioned. “I said I was sorry.”

“No you didn’t,” I countered.

“I tried but you cut me off,” he noted.

“What?” I asked, totally confused.

“I was going to apologize for what I said at the arena yesterday but you interrupted me and told me it was fine,” he recalled.

“That’s not even what I’m referring to,” I told him. “But going back to that, I don’t even care. You said you didn’t want to be with me. What is there to apologize for?”

“The way I said it was not very…articuler,” he finished, uncertainly. I blinked at him.
“What?”

“I do not know the word in English,” he explained. I just stared at him.

“Articulate?” He just shrugged.

“Anyways,” He continued, shaking his head. “What were you referring to then?”

“Kris, just drop it okay?” I requested, turning away. He caught me and turned me to face him again.

“No, just tell me.”

“Why?” I inquired. He looked confused. “Why should I tell you? So you can make fun of me? So you can ignore me? So you can hold it against me?”

“I would never do that to you,” he cut in.

“Bullshit. You have before,” I countered. He sighed, looking away for a second.

“Kris I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” I finally whispered. He looked down at me, looking slightly crushed.

“Que signifiez-vous ?” He whispered back. He suddenly shook his head and repeated his question, only in English. “What do you mean?”

“This,” I said, motioning between the two of us. “The fighting, the casual sex, the ignoring each other, I can’t do it anymore. Somewhere along the way, I fell for you, hard. I don’t know how. I started caring about you and wondering why you didn’t care about me. It hurt. It hurt that I needed you more than you needed me. It hurt knowing if you ever left I’d be devastated but if I ever left you probably wouldn’t even notice.” Tears had trickled down my face at this point but I couldn’t bring myself to wipe them. “I wish I had the guts to walk away from what we have. But I can't because I know you won't come after me, and that's what hurts the most.” I had heard that quote somewhere, and I couldn’t see how that would ever apply to a situation. But here I was, saying it. I could feel his gaze on me but I absolutely refused to look back up at him. There was a knock on the door and I saw him flinch before going to answer it.

“Hey,” the other person greeted. I turned my back and wiped my eyes so they couldn’t see. “You guys ready to go?” I grabbed my bag quickly and walked out, briefly registering the other person as being Sidney. I waited in the lobby and Callie and Jordan came down.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Callie called, hugging me. “What’s wrong?” She asked, pulling away. I shook my head but I couldn’t stop the tears. “Oh, Jaime, what happened?” She cooed, hugging me close again.

“Um, I’ll go check us all out,” Jordan stated awkwardly. He walked away and Callie led me to some chairs. She didn’t push for me to tell her, she just rubbed my back. I saw Kris and Sidney come out of the elevator, but they hadn’t spotted us. They saw Jordan, and I saw them exchange a few words before Kris got a panicked look on his face. Jordan cocked his head in our direction and Kris saw me, rushing over. He stood in front of me and pulled me up, hugging me tightly.

“Jaime,” he sounded. “I’m sorry, I…” I pulled away and waited for him to continue, but he never did. He started brushing my tears away with his thumbs but I pulled away completely, walking away. If he was doing all that for show for Sidney or Callie or Jordan, then I didn't want any of it.

Somehow, I had ended up next to him on the plane back to Pittsburgh, which sucked. I was by the window and he was next to me, and we sat in the most uncomfortable silence I had ever experienced before in my life. The plane suddenly hit turbulence and began to dip and shake. I was a nervous flyer, and I knew Kris was as well. I think the reason I did so well on the last flight with him was because he was intoxicated and I had to take care of him, thus bringing my concentration elsewhere.

This time, I had all the time in the world to think about the numerous ways this plane could crash and burn. Just then, the air plane took a wicked jolt, causing Kris’s hand to fly into mine. I looked at him and his head was pressed back against the head rest with his eyes closed. The plane jolted again and I squeezed his hand nervously. He started mumbling in French and although I have no idea what he said I was pretty sure he was praying. People were looking strangely at us and although I was freaking out as bad as him I took a deep breath and touched his arm with my free hand.

“Kris,” I said softly. He opened one eye and peered at me. He had stopped speaking out loud but his lips were still moving in his French prayers. “Kris, it’s going to be okay, calm down.” Once again the plane shook from the turbulence, which caused Kris to move the armrest separating us up and get as close to me as possible. “Kris!” I scolded in a whisper.

“Jaime, listen to me. No interruptions, I have to get this out. Préférablement avant que nous mourons,” he ended with a mutter.

“What? What did that mean??”

“Nothing, nothing. Just listen,” he ordered restlessly. “I…I wanted to tell you…I, I…” The plane seemed to steady for a bit and Kris relaxed. “Never mind,” he said once the ride seemed smooth.

He began to pull away but then the plane dipped a little, causing him to latch on to me again. “Never mind again, I should finish what I was going to say. I don’t…I’m not really good at this. I’m not good at anything but hockey, really. ” As if to mock him, the ride became smooth again. Kris noticed, and his words trailed off topic.

Again, as if it knew he was about to chicken out once more, the plane rumbled. Kris tensed and squeezed my hands. “I love you too,” he blurted, not waiting for a response before burying his face in my neck and hair. “Don’t say anything just yet, okay? I just wanted to tell you in case we died.” I sat there in shock, not knowing what to do. I almost wanted to laugh at his absurdness, but I felt that would be inappropriate. So I opted for just running my fingers though his hair and massaging his scalp.

“You’re wrong, you know,” I stated a little bit later. I felt him gaze up at me so I looked down at him warmly. “You’re good at a few other things besides hockey,” I said suggestively. I saw the corner of his mouth lift upward into that infamous Letang smirk, but it wasn’t a cocky one. It was a genuine, happy one. He leaned his head up and pecked my lips softly, before snuggling against me again. We got comfortable and he threw the blanket over us before we both drifted off to sleep. We were shaken awake by Jordan, who had an uneasy yet knowing smirk on his face. I couldn’t read it, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

We got all of our stuff and Kris grabbed my hand and led me off the plane. I expected him to let go of my hand once we were safe inside the airport, but he didn’t. I expected him to revert back to his asshole self once we were waiting for everyone else to get their bags from baggage claim but he didn’t. I expected him to take everything he said to me back while we were alone in the cab, but he didn’t. The taxi eventually pulled up to his house and he turned to me.

“You wanna come inside? I can drive you home later,” he suggested. I mulled it over. This was a new Kris, sure, so I wanted to trust him. But at the same time all my instincts and past experiences told me we would get in a fight and he’d kick me out, leaving me to fend for myself.

“Sure,” I replied, going against my better judgment. We walked into his house and he shut and locked the door behind me. I was expecting him to turn around and haul me upstairs to the bedroom, so when he turned around and kissed me softly on the lips, I was caught off guard. Okay, so he was gonna kiss me first. Then he was going to haul me upstairs. However, when he pulled away, he grabbed my hand and led me to the couch.

“Wanna watch a movie? I’ll make popcorn,” he smiled.

“Uh…okay,” I replied, dumbfounded. He turned to his DVD collection.

“What do you want to watch?”

“Um, you pick. I’ll go make the popcorn. Do you want hot cocoa or anything?” I asked, getting up. He grabbed me as I walked past him and pulled me close.

“That sounds good,” he whispered, kissing me lightly again. After a second or two he groaned and put his head on my shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m sorry,” he replied. I stood there, confused. “I know I was a complete asshole. I don’t deserve to be treated nicely by you. I know you’re cautious, but can’t you relax?” His fingers trailed lightly over my still prominent bruise.

“What?” I questioned. He pulled his head up but still kept our bodies close.

“I can feel how tense you are, and I know it’s because you feel you are walking on eggshells with me. I’m doing all I can to make you comfortable but you’re still second guessing me,” he explained.

“I’m not good…in the relationship department,” I admitted. “And it’s not like you’ve given me solid reasons to trust you in the past.” He sighed, but nodded.

“I know. I’m not good at… relationships either. You’re one of the few girls that has made me want to even bother with it,” he confessed.

“I thought I didn’t interest you,” I smirked.

“I was lying,” he replied, smirking as well. He kissed my jaw and then pulled away quickly. He spun me around to face the kitchen. “Popcorn and cocoa….stat!” He yelled, slapping my but and pushing me toward the kitchen. I giggled and did as I was told.

Once everything was finished I walked out balancing the cocoa and bowl of popcorn in my hands.

“Okay, the snacks are ready,” I said as I walked out and saw Kris. I stopped dead in my tracks.

Obviously, I expected to see him. What I didn’t expect was for him to have his lips attached to some blonde girl.