Just off the Key of Reason

In Health class, I didn’t sit anywhere near Maya because I knew who would be sitting next to her.

I know, I’m an evil friend. Sue me.

This was our last class of the day we had together, and I wanted to spy.

At first, Maya didn’t even seem to notice that I was in the room when she walked in this morning. When she sat down and nervously looked around, she spotted me and gaped. I could tell she wanted to move, but Mr. Howard came in before she could.

I grinned triumphantly and mentally gave a wicked cackle. She’s stuck, trapped like a rat. Or Patrick surrounded by womens underwear.

William Beckett wandered into the room and took his seat next to her, where he always sat, and pulled his notebooks out of his backpack. Like that kid ever took notes anyway, I’ve looked at his notebooks. They’re full of bits of lyrics he’d like to turn into full songs.

I giggled a little when Maya was so shocked when he talked to her. I could almost see the blush on her cheeks. It was amazing.

“What’s so funny?” Patrick whispered in my ear when the teacher wasn’t looking. Patrick and I had most of our classes together.

I pointed at the blushing Maya and the smirking William Beckett.

“You are a horrible friend, Kenzie!” He laughed.

I nodded. “I know.”

Mr. Howard had finished talking about how sex and kill you, and was now moving a rather large box from behind his desk and in front of the class.

“This assignment is extremely important, not only for your semester grade, but for your future.”

I puffed out my cheeks, crossed my eyes and started quietly humming the theme song to Green Acres.

“It will teach you the many responsibilities and compromises involved in parenthood and marriage.”

Green Acres turned into the Oscar Mayer Weiner song, and the cuticle on my right pointer finger became very fascinating.

“Hopefully, it will help you make slightly more informed decisions about sex and relationships at your current age.”

I bit off my cuticle and got a speck of blood on my notebook. The speck was shaped a lot like Jimmy Carter.

“You and your partners will make a Life Plan. You’ll pick careers out of the Career Box, find a living quarters from the newspaper, and create a budget. The budget must include education expenses for your child simulation.”

If Jimmy Carter had married Sponge Bob Squarepants... well that would have been weird.

“Here are your partners...”

I was partnered with Patrick, and Maya was partnered with William.

Life was great.

**Lunch

“So, do we get to name the baby?” Patrick dangled the plastic doll in front of his face and cocked his head to the side, studying it. There was a rather amusing look of happiness on his face. It made me smile.

“Yeah, of course.” I answered, and went back to writing down the address of the apartment we had chosen from the housing section. Patrick set the doll in front of him in the grass and carefully undid the Velcro jumpsuit it wore. He pulled the suit down around the doll’s ankles and stared at it’s naked body.

“What the fuck are you doing, Patrick?” Pete snorted, his own doll laying carelessly in the grass beside him.

“I’m checking for a dick, stupid,” Patrick scoffed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“And?” William chuckled. I’d insisted he sit with us, because the mother of his child was sitting with us. Maya blushed and glared at me when I said it, and William agreed.

Patrick frowned and redressed our baby.

“Well it sure as hell isn’t a boy.”

“Then we’re naming it Winnifred.” I said simply. Everyone turned to look at me.

“Winnifred?” Pete repeated mockingly, as if the name tasted sour. I had been writing but I looked up slowly and nodded.

“Yes, Winnifred Anges.”

“Winnifred Agnes Stump.” Joe toppled over in amusement as he spoke, “That’s fucking beautiful.”

“Damn McKenzie, your kid’s gonna get her snack pack stolen.” Pete shook his head and took a bite out of his apple. I curled my upper lip at them and rolled my eyes.

“Well, I like it, Kenzie.” Patrick smiled smugly at the other guys and dropped an arm around my shoulders. I glanced at him and smiled.

“Thank you, Patty.”

“Oooh, Tricky to the rescue. Look at you being all chivalrous and shit.” Joe sneered. He ripped open a bag of Cheetos.

“Fucking-a right.” Patrick nodded his head authoritatively, “I’m a father now, chivalry comes with the package.”

“Does bad hair come in that package also?” Pete fluttered his eyelashes at Patrick and picked at the peel on his apple.

Patrick’s mouth hung open in shock, “Well at least I don’t have a voice that causes entire city’s to implode.”

I chuckled as William made a sizzling sound indicating the severity of Patrick’s burn. It was funny, even though the two, without each other’s talents, would probably be little to nothing. Then came a strange whining sound from near Patrick’s crotch.

“At least I write my own lyrics, biznatch.” Pete retorted.

“Uh, Patrick...” I began.

“Pete, switching the ending words to phrases from Dr. Seuss does not qualify as ‘your own lyrics’.” Patrick leaned forward and high-fived Joe. The noise came again, and I looked at our baby. Patrick had it tucked in his lap, stuck between his thighs so that in order to take it I would have to chance touching his...down-there area. I cleared my throat.

“Patrick, the ba--”

“Don’t hate, don’t hate.” Pete's voice hitched up with his attempt at ghetto, “I see how it is. You can go right ahead and sing my songs but giving me some well do credit is beneath you?”

“Psh, you think you’re the shit because you can rhyme.”

I tugged on Patrick’s sleeve, “Patrick, the baby is--”

“At least I can rhyme.”

“Cat and Hat haven’t counted since the second grade.”

“Well excuse me, your Highness.” Pete’s voice was rank with playful resentment, “If you don’t like my lyrics by all means write your own.”

“For real, Pat--”

“Maybe I will.” Patrick mocked Pete’s childish manner.

“Pa--”

“Fine.”

“I--”

“Fine.”

"PATRICK!" I shouted.

Patrick’s attention snapped to me. A flash of well contained “excitement” passed over his features, then a look of confusion took over, “Wait, what?”

“The baby is fucking crying, Patrick.” I pointed to his lap. He looked even more confused for a second before he looked down and gasped.

“Oh!” He scooped up the screaming doll and stared at it, “Uh... I... here.” He handed it to Pete.

“Dude, I’m not your partner!” Patrick squealed and held the doll at arms length as if were going to bite him. Of course it’s simulated crying was very life like and getting even higher in pitch. I groaned and reached out to take the baby. I cradled it in my arms and shushed it, singing very softly and rocking it back and forth. After a few long minutes of nothing but the boys silence and my very Disney-esque mothering tactics, the doll stopped screaming and went into sleep mode. I looked up at the faces of all three boys staring at me. Joe looked creeped out and William looked shocked, but the look on Patrick’s face was something I really couldn’t place. There was an odd little smile and his eyes gave an unusual sparkle. It made my stomach flip and fill up with nervous butterflies.

“That was... scary.” Joe shuddered, “Kenzie acting all maternal was enough to give me nightmares for life.”

I was too busy staring back at Patrick to send him a glare or flick him off.

“I never would’ve thought... it just went right to sleep." Pete was still staring at the doll, “I mean I had to smash mine against my locker to shut it the fuck up.”

“You’re just parentally challenged.” Joe popped a Cheeto into his mouth, “Or it hates you.” Then he glanced at me again and visibly shuddered.

Patrick’s smile grew into a toothy grin, “That was so cool, Kenzie.” He said softly.

“Cool?” I repeated. The way he was smiling at me was making me shake.

“Yeah. I’ve never seen that side of you.”

“Well I’m not surprised. How many babies has she had to silence?” Joe said sarcastically. He chewed thoughtfully on his food then shook his head, “God, am I the only one thoroughly disturbed by that whole thing?”

There was a short silence before Patrick answered with a faint nod, “Yeah.”