I'm Lying Just to Keep You Here

When you first get your license you are overwhelmed with a sense of excitement and freedom. Excited that you’re finally of age to drive and you are now free to go wherever you please without needing a ride from someone. I say this assuming you have your own car. The older you get the less exciting having your license is, but you start to realize how soothing driving actually is. Driving for me gives me sort of an escape, even if I’m not going anywhere. I’m allowed to think to myself aloud, in my head, through song, I could scream, cry, honestly the possibilities are endless. When I ran out of the apartment I had full intentions of driving to a new city, changing my name and starting a new life for myself. If only I had the balls to do so. Instead I’ve been driving around the same block for two hours. I think the people living in this area are starting to get a bit worried.

Two hours of trying to sort this ridiculous mess I’ve created. Do I go back to William or do I leave him for Alex? Do I leave both of them and end up with John in the end or is Jack the person I’m really meant to be with? Or are they all wrong for me and I’m meant for someone else? All questions I couldn’t answer. Since I was little the phrase ‘follow your heart’ has been pounded into my head over and over again. Just follow your heart and you’ll live happily ever after. Excuse me, but how the fuck do you follow your heart? It doesn’t spit out directions like a fucking GPS. I don’t recall my heart ever coming out with a ‘turn left, you’ve now arrive at destination William’. It also doesn’t provide you with an easy-to-follow map to which ever boy I’m suppose to be with. Maybe my heart is just defective because I feel different with each guy I’ve been with.

William makes me feel secure. I know with him I’ll always be a top priority in his life. I mean I have been for so long. He knows me inside and out just as I know him the same way. There is something right about falling in love with your best friend that gives you this sense of forever. That no matter what you can work through anything and come out on top.

Then there’s Alex. With Alex I feel alive. I feel like nothing is safe and I’m always kept on my toes, but in a good way if that makes any sense. Our relationship is an adventurous one. One second we’re fighting and the next we’re madly in love. It’s something you can never be bored with and I’m the type of person who never wants to be bored.

Oh, and don’t forget John. Probably one of the sweetest, most caring guys I know. I know he genuinely cares for me and would do anything I asked him to do. Just the way he would look at me would send butterflies rushing through my body. He’s so perfectly understanding and has this amazing heart.

While we’re at it let’s throw Jack in there. I’ve never had a guy who could make me laugh and smile as much as Jack has. A goof ball to the core. My world could crash around me and that boy could still get me to crack a smile. He even put my feelings ahead of his own and willingly or not became my new best friend.

All of them make me feel different things being around them, but they all have one thing in common. At one point or another I’ve felt like I loved them. I know I’m throwing around the ‘L’ word a lot, but like I said before, I have a defected heart.

So here I am in the same position I’ve been in before. Who do I pick? Who am I willing to lose? Who can’t I live without? Unfortunately, a car ride is not going to be the answer to any of these questions.