I Want to Scream 'I Love You'

It was raining.

No, scratch that.

It was pouring.

We couldn’t have cared less either. We were running, skipping, prancing almost to Patrick’s car, laughing the whole way.

Okay, so their set ran over… by about, oh, eight songs, playing a couple off their new album and a Prince cover. And, okay, we got into the party a little bit. They switched the music to some classic Blink-182, another party started across town, and a crowd of people left. Somehow, the party became somewhat enjoyable.

Joe pulled out a karaoke machine, Pete started up Strip-Twister, and, okay, I had a little to drink.

I wasn’t too sure why we were laughing, or what we were laughing at. The only thing I could calculate was that it was 8:35, it takes 15 minutes to get back to the apartment, and Danielle was being dropped off five minutes ago.

We reached the car and I hopped in hastily, Patrick entering on the other side. Still laughing, I threw my head back against the car headrest. Patrick shook his head at me, starting up the car and driving away.

“You shouldn’t have had any beer,” he said, laughing anyway. I kicked my feet up onto the dashboard, turning up the music.

“One. I only had one, like it could affect me that muchhh.” I knew I was slurring, I knew I had to have sounded smashed, but I wasn’t too sure if it was because I had a little to drink, or if it was just because I was hyper.

“You’re still drunk,” he incriminated, though it was obvious he was getting a kick out of it.

“My god,” I marveled, changing the subject, “’we’re not that good, really, we sound awful.’ You guys sound awful, my ass. Seriously, that show was amazing. And your voice, Jesus. Remind me to never take your opinion on bands.”

“Really, you liked it that much?”

“Mm-hmm. Not gonna lie though, I laughed, out loud, at the name. Fall Out Boy?” I threw my head back against the headrest again, laughing some more.

“Shit, man, sober up a little. We’ll be home in ten minutes.”

“Mmm, not drunk,” I said, rolling down the window anyway and laying my head on the sill; the cool air a nice contrast against my headache.

Out of the corner of my eye, Patrick was smiling, shaking his head slightly. I ignored him, closing my eyes, enjoying a few peaceful minutes before I had to deal with Danielle again.

When we arrived at the apartment complex, I immediately spotted Lucy’s car sitting in a parking space. A rush of regret washed over me, I pushed my door open and was out in record speed.

“Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. I got distracted, and I just kinda lost track of time,” I stumbled out as Lucy pushed her car door open. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, I just-“

“We’ve only been here a couple of minutes,” she smiled, “it’s alright, I understand how those things go.”

I let out a sigh of relief with an appreciated smile. She gestured to the backseat where Hannah and Danielle laid asleep, their seatbelts the only thing holding them up.

“How in the world did you get her to sleep?” I mused as she pulled the door open. Gently, I unbuckled the seatbelt and picked her up, doing my best not to wake her. If she woke up now, she’d never go to sleep tonight.

“They pretty much wore themselves out. I didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Well, either way, I thank you, for watching her. And I apologize about being late, I just-“

“It’s fine, really, things happen,” she dismissed. I thanked her again, waved at the sleeping Hannah, and walked up the apartment steps with Danielle.

“Can you –uh- get this for me?” I asked as we approached the locked apartment door. “Keys are in my left jacket pocket.”

Timidly,Patrick fished them out and unlocked the door, holding it open for me.

I laid Danielle down carefully on her bed, pulling her shoes off and tossing them into the closet, then tucking the blanket around her.

I shut her door and walked back out into the living room where Patrick leaned against the back of the couch. Pulling off my jacket, I hung on the coat rack.

“Tonight was fun,” I said, leaning next to Patrick.

He nodded in agreement, a smile spreading across his face. “Yeah, it was. Still have a headache?”

“A little bit,” I grimaced, looking up at Patrick.

He shook his head at me, “I told you, alcohol’s a bitch.”

I laughed, running a hand across the side of my face. “That’s agreed upon.” Laying my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes.

“Hayley?” he asked after awhile of silence.

“Hmm?” I asked, half of me already asleep.

“Thanks for coming tonight, really.” I looked up at him, his eyes focusing on something right in front of him and his lips pulled up slightly at the corners.

Smiling, I pulled my head up. “Patrick?”

“Yeah?”

My hand found his cheek and pulled him forward the tiniest bit, connecting our lips together. He started to pull away, but decided against it, his body freezing for a moment before deciding to press back.

He was apprehensive though and I could definitely tell he wasn’t sure about it yet. I wasn’t even sure about it yet.

For a moment, we stopped. Our eyes flickering open to see the each other. I started to say something, my mouth opening the tiniest amount, but instead we pulled back together.

My arms slid around his neck and he hesitantly positioned his hands on my waist, closing any space between us and deepening the once innocent kiss. We took a few stumbled steps towards the wall, my back pushing up against it.

Part of me told myself that this wasn’t right, that it was just the beer getting to my head. Part of me was saying that, in all honesty, this is what I wanted, that I shouldn’t have to give this up. Part of me was scared to death about this all, this part of me was just scared this would mess it all up, and that this was just causing shit to happen.

Part of me wasn’t about to let go for the world.

My right hand shifted to the back of his head, running my fingers through the hair that overhung from under his hat.

He moved even closer, if that was possible, putting no space between us and pretty much making the wall my only support.

We moved together, the world not seeming to exist as we continued to focus everything onto each other. After a little bit, I couldn't even have guessed how much time had gone by.

And right then, he stopped, his hand right hand freezing to my waist, his left to my cheek. On instinct, I attempted to pull him back, but he pulled away even farther, his hands now tucked behind his back.

“No, no, no,” he muttered, turning away from me. “This isn’t… I can’t… You’re drunk, this is wrong.”

“Patrick, I’m not-“ I started but he cut me off with his hand, throwing it up in protest.

“Yeah, you are, I just… oh god,” he ran the hand across his forehead and cheek, spinning to face me, “that was… I can’t do that to you. You’re… I’m… we’re not… we can’t.”

“Patrick-“ I whispered, in a failed effort to calm him down.

“Listen,” he barked, snapping my head up, “you’re not thinking straight, trust me. You had too much to drink and I… we just… trust me.”

“Patrick-“

“So, follow my advice. Go make yourself some coffee…” He started towards the door, grabbing his coat off the hanger. “…I suggest you eat something…”

“Patrick-“

Sliding his jacket on, he pulled open the door, “…then go get some sleep and try to show up to school tomorrow.”

“Patrick, listen, I-“

“I’m sorry, that was… I’m sorry. Stay safe and no more stupid things tonight, okay?” Finally looking at me, he pursed his lips and walked out.

“No, wait-” my voice cracked as I attempted to stop him, but he was gone and my call was only to a closed door.

For a moment, I stood silently, motionlessly staring at the empty apartment and replaying what had just happened only minutes beforehand.

My head’s ceaseless pounding convinced me to stop analyzing the situation and to just get some sleep. I dragged myself towards the back bedroom, flipping on my alarm clock, kicking my shoes off, and crawling into bed.

I buried my head into my pillow, my eyes drifting shut and the world around me growing silent. With a sigh, I let each and every part of me fall limp, my brain wandering into some dreamland.

“Hayleyyyy,” Danielle called, snapping me from my fictional world, “I’m not tired.”

It was then I knew tonight was going to never end.