I Want to Scream 'I Love You'

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and slammed my locker shut with a flick of my hand. I started to walk towards the door when I passed the guidance office. Patrick was leaning over the counter, obviously looking annoyed.

“I’m sorry sir,” the short and very unattractive secretary said, “I’m not allowed to give you the combination to anyone’s locker.”

Frustrated, Patrick took his hat off for a moment to run a hand through his hair. “I don’t need her combination, just the location of the locker.”

The secretary looked very confused, almost as if Patrick had just asked her how many numbers were in pi. She bit her lip before looking at her computer, then back up at Patrick.

He just sighed and shook his head. “Never mind, thanks for the help.” I leaned against the propped-open door leading into the office as he turned around. I caught a glimpse of him rolling his eyes.

“Having issues?” I asked as he spotted me. A smile spread across his face.

“You could’ve saved me earlier, you know,” he said and we both began walking towards the front door.

I chuckled, “Nah.” He narrowed his eyes at me, even though he was still smiling. “Whose locker were you looking for?” I asked.

“Yours,” he replied, “I figured that if I couldn’t catch you at your locker, I could at least figure out which door you use.”

“I usually use the west entrance,” I shrugged, “but I figured I’d go through the front door today so maybe I’d bump into you.”

Patrick smiled, “Well, look at that, you found me.”

“And your lovely communication skills,” I said sarcastically.

He replied with an even more sarcasm-coated “Thanks.”

“No problem, mi amigo,” I said, pushing the door open, causing the October wind to hit me like a brick.

“Oh, so you speak Español?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

“Nope,” I said. “Well, it’s not like I know anything more than the greetings.” Patrick nodded as we continued down the sidewalk. Though I wasn‘t a huge fan of the cold; it was still always gorgeous out this time of year. Orange and yellow leaves hung loosely from every tree and covered the ground at the same time. It always amazed me how they seem to multiply.

“What time is it?” I asked after a long silence.

“Two thirty-five,” he said, glancing at his watch.

“Crap,” I muttered, “we have to hurry.” I quickened my steps towards Danielle’s school.

“That’s fine, but I’m not running,” Patrick said defiantly, but still quickening his pace also.

I let out a laugh. “Trust me, neither am I,” I said, still drained from staying up until four a.m. trying to get Danielle into bed.

Patrick smiled as we turned the corner and the school came in sight.

“When Danielle tackles you,” I warned, “don’t blame me. You’re the one who told her that you’re her friend. And she’s not going to let that go.”

“Good,” Patrick said, “neither am I.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

We arrived at the school with two minutes left. I walked over to a tree and sat down next to it, using it as shade. Patrick followed suit and sat next to me.

“It’s getting cold out,” he stated, blowing into his hands, then rubbing them together..

I nodded, “I was hoping that fall might actually not come this year.” I pressed my hand onto the cold ground as the leaves crackled and crunched under my hand. I smiled and swiftly picked them up, throwing them into the air.

Patrick looked at me strangely for a moment before he picked up a handful of leaves, also, and tossed them into the air.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw a tall woman in a business suit with a Blackberry pressed to her ear roll her eyes and shake her head at us as she turned away. I started cracking up and now, when Patrick looked at me strangely, he looked truly confused.

“We’re apparently too immature for her,” I said, nodding my head at the woman, who was now barking vigorously into the phone.

Patrick looked over at her, then turned around to look at me with a smile on his face. “Life’s too short to take the whole thing seriously,” he said, throwing another handful of leaves up.

I smiled and both of us turned to look towards the school as we heard the bell go off. Patrick stood up first, then held his hand out to me. I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet. He started laughing and it was my turn to look at him strangely.

“You’re covered in leaves,” he said, pulling one out of my hair.

I laughed, noticing he had a ton sitting on his hat. I quickly pulled his hat off his head, shaking the leaves off, and handed it back to him.

“Now you,” he said, replacing his hat, “aren’t that simple.” He started walking in circles around me, pulling off the ones I couldn’t see as I brushed the ones off my shirt and shoulders.

A loud gasp came out of nowhere followed by Danielle’s high-pitched voice. “Patrick!” she yelled.

“Hey kiddo,” he said, giving her a hug as she ran up to him. As soon as he let go, she ran up to me to give me a hug also.

“I’d thought you had forgotten about me,” I said. She let out a laugh like she’s never heard anything so ridiculous. I smiled and hugged her tighter before standing up.

Just how she had yesterday, she took my hand in hers, and Patrick’s hand in her other, and began walking home.

Danielle immediately plunged into a minute-by-minute replay of her day, bringing up everything that crossed her mind.

“OH,” she said with another gasp, “guess what, Patrick?”

“Um, I don’t know, what?” he said, playing along with her.

“I’m going to be a vet when I’m older,” she said, confident in her plan.

“Wait,” I said, “what happened to being a ballerina?”

“That’s so babyish,” she said, “I want to do something that takes brains.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Since when had she been worried about doing something that takes brains?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Patrick restraining himself from laughing. With my free hand, I reached over Danielle and smacked his arm.

Danielle’s head shot up and she pretty much gave me a death stare. “Don’t hit,” she said, as if she were the one in charge, “it’s rude.”

“Since when did you get so bossy?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes, “Since when did you get so immature?” My feet stopped in place and Patrick’s smile dropped. Danielle quickly bit her bottom lip, averting her eyes from mine.

I bent down so I was face to face with her. “Who are you?” I asked, “and what did you do with the real Danielle?”

She sighed heavily, “Sorry,” she looked at her feet. “I’m right here.”

I lifted her chin a bit so I was looking straight into her eyes. “Good,” I said, a smile faintly playing on her lips, “stay.”

She nodded as I stood up and we continued walking again.

I glanced over at Patrick, who had stayed silent the whole time. He looked up at me and we both smiled. At the same time, Danielle squeezed my hand, and I glanced down at her. She nodded towards the high school as we passed it and smiled.

“You both go to school there,” she said. I smiled and squeezed her hand back, happy to have this Danielle back.

Patrick shot me a strange look and I shrugged to show I had no clue why she pointed it out either.

“So Danielle,” I said, bringing up the conversation we had been on, “why do you want to be a vet?”

“Oh,” she said, galloping a little with joy, “we learned about doctors today at school and vets take care of puppies and kittens and I love puppies and kittens. So I want to be a vet.”

“That would be cool,” Patrick said, “it takes a lot of work to be a doctor though.”

“I know,” she said, shrugging it off, “but it would be fun. So I don’t mind. What do you want to be?” she asked in return.

“I’m not sure, actually,” Patrick replied.

“You should be a doctor too,” Danielle suggested.

Patrick nodded then asked, “What kind?”

“A surgery doctor,” she said, causing me to smile. “The boys in my class said that was cool, so maybe it would be. For boys.”

“Maybe,” Patrick replied, with a smile.

“Oh, and today, I drew a picture,” Danielle said, now directing it to me, “and I like it. Can I hang it on the wall?”

“Sure,” I said. Danielle’s room was covered in pictures she’s drawn or colored. We were both packrats that way.

“What did you draw a picture of?” Patrick asked.

“A puppy,” she said joyfully. “You should see my other pictures. I have a picture of a kitty, a house, a school bus, a tree, a flower. Oh, you should come over and see them.”

Almost on cue, they both looked at me. “Danielle,” I said, ”the house isn’t clean, and if you have-”

“Oh please, I just want to show him my pictures,” she pleaded. “Please?”

“And what about homework?” I asked.

“I don’t have any tonight. Please?”

“Well, I mean,” I stuttered, “you haven’t even asked Patrick.”

She turned around and smiled, “Do you want to come see my pictures?”

Patrick smiled, looked at me, then back down at her. “That’s up to Hayley. I’ll come if she wants me too,” he said.

Thanks. That’s a good way of wording it to make sure she gets her way.

“Please?” Danielle said, giving me the puppy dog eyes and sticking out her bottom lip.

Dang, where did she learn that from?

I gave in with a sigh. “Sure.”

“Thank you,” Danielle hugged me, then quickly turned around and hugged Patrick. “Come on,” she said, grabbing our hands and towing us down the sidewalk.

“Sorry,” I whispered to Patrick.

He laughed and shook his head, “It’s fine.”

When we reached the building, Danielle quickly entered the code, and pulled the door open for us.

“Follow me,” I said, guiding Patrick up the stairs and to our apartment, Danielle in between us, hopping up and down impatiently as I unlocked the door.

“Relax, it’s okay,” I said. She smiled and ran into the apartment as I pushed open the door.

“Make yourself at home,” I said, tossing my backpack onto the couch.

Patrick slowly shrugged off his and set it gently against the wall, but Danielle just dropped her bag in the middle of the floor. I walked over and picked it up, hanging it on the coat rack as she disappeared into her room.

“Where’d she go?” Patrick asked.

“I’m not sure,” I replied truthfully, “I’m never sure.”

She appeared again, this time asking Patrick to come see her pictures. I tagged along.

“Oh wow,” Patrick marveled at the wall covered in pictures, drawings, anything that’s paper was hanging on this wall.

In the middle of the wall, though, sat a huge black and white framed picture of Danielle, my dad, and I sitting by a tree, taken only about a month before his death. It had been a gift from my dad’s mom and dad to Danielle and I.

“Is that your…?” Patrick asked, pointing at the picture. I nodded and he smiled. “You guys look a lot like him.”

“Thanks,” I said, averting my eyes to my feet. There were days that I wished I had my dad back more than anything.

“OH!” Danielle said, pointing at pictures, “This is a kitty,” she said, indicating the orange blob on a piece of paper. “This is a flower. It’s got blue and purple leaves. And this one’s a tree. And this one’s a picture Hayley took of me.”

I glanced up to see what she was talking about. She was pointing at the photo I had taken of her when we first moved into the apartment. She was sitting on her bed, by the same wall.

“And this one’s a picture of Hayley when she was little,” Danielle said. I walked over to see what she was talking about, considering I didn’t remember any picture of a younger me hanging on the wall. Sure enough, though, there was a picture of me, on my dad‘s back as he gave me a piggyback ride, with my pregnant mom in the background.

“Where’d you get this picture, Danielle?” I asked. She shrugged. “You don’t know?”

“I found it in an old box. One of the ones in the hall closet,” she shrugged again, then pointed at another picture, “that’s our old cat. He’s dead now.”

I laughed a little, sitting on the bed. Patrick took a seat next to me as Danielle continued to point at pictures.

“And that’s my first day of first grade. And that’s the picture I drew for Hayley’s birthday. And that’s a bear.”

“Out of all the things she’s ever wanted to be,” I whispered, “an artist was never a choice.”

Patrick chuckled. “So what do you want to be?” he asked quietly, careful not to disturb Danielle’s art show.

“Not sure actually,” I answered back, “photographer, probably.”

“How could you not know yet?” he asked with a smile, “it’s your senior year of high school.”

“You don’t know either,” I countered. He grimaced and shrugged.

“That’s true, I guess. But you don‘t have any colleges planned out or anything? I mean, even I have a few picked out.”

“And that’s our old house. And that’s Scooby-Doo. And that’s a bird.”

I chuckled. “Go to college. Take care of Danielle. Pay for college, Danielle’s tuition, babysitter, apartment. Keep a job. All at the same time? There’s no way I have the time and the money to go to college.”

“Oh,” Patrick said, looking at his feet. “I forgot about that.”

“Eh, it’s fine. I’d rather pay for Danielle to get into college, anyway.”

“And that’s a dinosaur. He’s my favorite. OH, and that’s a butterfly. And that‘s a ladybug.”

“So you don’t want to go to college?” he asked.

“Oh, I want to. But I haven’t done anything really to get into a good college.”

Patrick shrugged. “Aren’t you taking a few A.P classes?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I am. And I guess, if I really wanted to go to college, I’d take a few online classes. But that still means I’d have to somehow afford a computer. Or manage time to get to the library.”

“Yeah, well,” he said, but was interrupted by his phone ringing. He held up his index finger to me before answering it. “Hello?” he said, standing up and walking into the hall.

Danielle stood, smiling at me, rocking back and forth on her feet.

“Is there any particular reason you’re smiling?” I asked. She slowly shook her head back and forth.

“No,” she said, still smiling, “no reason.”

“Goodness,” I stood up, “you’re creepy.”

“Isn’t that what little sisters are for?” she asked, widening her eyes and tilting her head to the side.

Patrick walked back into the room, and his eyes caught Danielle’s face. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Danielle let out a laugh, falling onto the bed.

Patrick looked back at me. “I’m not sure,” I said.

He smiled. “You never are,” he said, almost quoting me.

I gave him one nod. “Exactly.”

“Anyway,” he continued, “my mom called. I’ve got chores that apparently aren’t going to do themselves.” He rolled his eyes. “So I have to run. But you have an awesome room, Danielle, I love your pictures.”

Danielle waved and I smiled. “On Danielle’s behalf, I think it’s safe to say you’re welcome anytime,” I said, smirking at Danielle.

“Sounds good,” Patrick said, waving back at Danielle. “See you guys later,” he swung his backpack over his shoulder as I opened the door for him. “Bye,” he said with a smile before disappearing down the stairs. I shut the door and leaned back against it.

“You’re lucky I’m cute,” Danielle said, with a smirk.

I chuckled. “Why is that?”

“You so like him. I’m your conversation starter.”

“Go clean your room,” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m just saying,” she put her hands up in defense.

I smiled running my hands through my hair. “Just… Go.”