No One Can See Us

Days came so quickly and passed in the blink of an eye, even if it went by completely wasted. It wasn’t something I could ever try to understand; it was only part of life. It would always make me stop and wonder why the nights I spent with him seemed to last forever.

His words were always so comforting; he made me believe them all. If I could, I would choose to be with him forever. The only thing I hated was waking up in the mornings, I dreaded it completely. Those were the times when I was forced to go back to what I once referred to as a happy home, if only it still was. Sometimes I wished that I didn’t have to go.

There wasn’t a day that would go by where I wouldn’t go back to our first nights, for back then, they were the nights that meant the most to me, and it was when I learned what complete bliss felt like. Since then, they’ve done nothing but get better throughout the quiet winter months we’ve spent together. When he wasn’t with me, then I would allow myself to dwell upon my insecurities, and the responsibilities I still run away from because I don’t know how to handle them anymore.

Some would say that it was only human; victims would say that it was cruel and heartless, but most would say that once you’ve started, you just couldn’t stop. He’s never said he loves me, and behind closed doors, I wouldn’t dare utter a single word. He knew the situation I was in; he understood his won position in my life. I doubted whether or not he understood why I kept coming back to him, he would never know how much I truly needed him.

People might have seen love before, but it was much different when it was just an illusion to begin with. It made things so much more complicated.

It almost felt like I would always be one of the people who would never know what true love felt like, though it felt like I’ve searched in every corner of this town. I’ve heard stories of people go mad, but it never happened to me. It was just something that made me desperately long for that closeness lovers shared, because I’ve never had the chance to feel it.

Those kinds of people were always the ones who seemed to rush their relationships, and dared to call their whirlwind relationships actual true love, because they didn’t know the difference between what is right and what is easy.

Sometimes it was almost heartbreaking that I once believed that I’d be staring into his deceptive green eyes for the rest of my life, just loving him with everything I had, no matter what he did to me or how much it hurt. I would never refer to myself as stupid, I knew I wasn’t. And I knew everyone made stupid mistakes, some just stupider than others. I was one of the people who were stupid enough to make a mistake that they could never take back, because he wouldn’t allow it.

On the other hand, there were men like Bill Kaulitz, the ones I could trust. He was the one I could rely on, because I knew when he said that he cared for me, he meant it. Late at night, I would always wonder what life would have been like if I had met him first, and whether or not he could have been my one. When I was with him, it felt like he was supposed to be.

I still regretted the fact that I couldn't have waited for him. He would always whisper the sweetest things in my ear just before I fell asleep, he would have my head spinning, and obliviously he would take me breath away. I would dream about his touch, the way he trailed sweet kisses along my neck and shoulders, up to my lips. His words still echoing through my brain as I slept. The words always seemed to remain the same, and I could never forget them.

‘I knew that if I kept on looking, that one day I would find you. Elle, you’re perfect.’

I could only wish that I was perfect. I never knew what Bill ever saw in me that made him love me endlessly, and I suppose I never will. I had always thought that a mere glimpse of the life I lead would scare him off, disgusted at the idea of even being around someone like me. But still, he was there with me as if nothing happened, like he didn’t care about that at all.

He was very gentle with me. It made me realize that everything we had was more than a meaningless affair. It could be love.

Today was one of those mornings where I didn’t want to open my eyes, because then I would have to leave again. I always looked forward to being with Bill, but I never liked leaving him. The way we acted reminded me of a teenage love affair, where one of us would always have to sneak out of the house because our patents didn’t approve. And every second together felt like heaven on earth, and we never wanted it to end, but when it did, I would feel the desperate need for him as I missed his air around me.

I woke up alone that morning, after spending another night with Bill. It didn’t take me a second to remember how I got there, for I could never forget. A feeling of panic rose to my chest in the quiet apartment, fearing that he left me here, alone.

I took a deep, calming breath and pulled the white sheets off of me, grabbing one of Bill’s larger t-shirts along the way. I pulled it over my half naked body hastily and opened the bedroom door to exit it. Bill’s apartment was fairy spacious, making the panic in tighten my chest. I walked down the broad hallway, looking inside all of the rooms for any sign of the man I loved.

A small smile came to my lips once I saw the small figure sitting on his cream colored couch. He sat with his legs crossed, a small book on his lap and a black pen in his mouth, as if he was chewing on it.

I leaned against the doorframe, attempting to ignore the sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt that I would feel whenever I watched him from afar. The feeling soon changed to one of confusion, once I realized I didn't know what I was supposed to do next. Suddenly, Bill glanced up, as if he had seen me approach. He met my gaze briefly, sending me a warm smile. I watched his eyes travel down to my lean, toned body, and then slowly back up to my face.

“I thought I’d let you sleep,” He said quietly, patting the empty space beside him, “come and sit down.”

I hesitated for a moment, but walking into the room slowly. I took my time getting to him, still feeling his gaze rest on me coolly. It only took him a second after I sat down for him to wrap his arms around me comfortingly, like he always did.

His rough lips brushed my cheeks once while he entangled his fingers in my hair. He turned my head towards his slowly, wanting our lips to meet. There was no way I could ever resist the man that at in front of me, he was far too perfect. Never, since I’ve met him could I say no to him and it never crossed my mind that I wanted to do it either.

My eyes fluttered closed once I felt his warm breath on my neck, but opened them and allowed them to drift up to the open curtains above our heads.

The moment I noticed it, a familiar nervous feeling formed in the pit of my stomach as I tensed up, and Bill noticed almost instantly. He pulled away from me and sent me a worried glance. It felt like I could melt in his brown eyes.

He took my hand and pulled me up along with him, as if he had heard my thoughts. He led me to the window which was closest to us and stared down at the ground below. He moved closer to me, and let a second pass before placing both of his hands on my hips and kissed the back of my neck. I had to use all my willpower to stop myself from shivering.

“It’s okay, Elle. No one can see us up here.”

He kissed me again, before letting go of me. He extracted a cigarette from his pocket and placed it in his mouth, lighting it in a quick, fluent motion. “No one can see us, no one can hear us. No one will ever know about us.” He whispered, breathing in the nicotine of his cigarette, “The only thing that matters now, is you and me.”

The words that escaped his lips made me feel like I was dreaming. Nothing about that moment seemed real to me, it never happened, I was far too unlucky. Every thought of what of what might happen once I got home was slowly fading away, and once again, I felt myself running away from the truth. My hands traveled down to Bill’s pocket as I quickly took one of his cigarettes for myself. I turned my head to his and kissed his lips slowly. Once a single moan emitted from him, I pulled away, smirking.

I lit the cigarette by pressing it against the tip of his and breathed it in deeply, feeling my nerves relax. I didn’t want to move from where I was now; it was comforting, still being in Bill’s arms. For a moment, it felt like my breath had been taken away, but it still felt good.

“It’s all a fantasy. This has nothing to do with reality. You understand that, don’t you?