Bushels of Bad Habits

My eyes fluttered open to see darkness. Am I dead? No. I was in Jon's arms under my sheets. He was sleeping though. I decided to roll over, still in Jon's arms, to look at my clock. And I can still remember the red numbers read; 4:27am.

Mom's dead I thought as I started to cry again. She's not here. Gone.

My world had been shattered with two names and one word.

"Spencer" Amy had cried, "Mom's dead"

I swore to never forgive the girls for not telling me she had been in a car-crash the morning before. I rolled back over to face Jon once more and cuddled myself into his chest as I started sobbing again. Jon was there for me though, he always was. He was the only light that was in a sea of shadows and siloutes.

I tried to keep quiet, my squirming had probably almost woken Jon up once, he deserved the sleep. Plus, even in unconsciousness Jon somehow comforted me, just being there. That's how you know when someone's your best friend...though in reality, it meant much more in that particular moment. But slowly, I fell back into a tear stained but dreamless sleep.

"Good morning." Jon said as I opened my eyes for a second time.

"What's so good about it?"

"Don't be like that Spence. I know it's hard, but your alive, right?" He started playing with my hair.

"She's gone, Jon. Really gone." I whined, tears forming. "I know the girls will take care of th-the f-fu-neral, but, I bet they don't tell me where it when it'll be."

"Well, let's try to be happy today, I doubt you mom would want to see you like this." He was still playing with my hair.

"It's just so hard, Jon." The sobs came back.

"I know Spin, I know." Jon pulled me closer to him and held me tighter.

I didn't reply, I just drenched poor Jon in tears. I was simply incapable of accepting the fact that mom was dead. That she was gone. And, Jon was there for me. He was the one holding me in his arms, whispered and cooing words of comfort. And, I owed him an apology for it.

"No." I sat up and wiped my eyes. "Your right. Mom wouldn't want to see me like this. So, what are we doing today?" I left out the "And-you-don't-deserve-to-just-sit-here-and-help-me" part.

"What do you want to do?" He asked, his brown eyes looking up at me.

"I want to lay here and cry for a month."

"Okay, then. We're gonna go and...." Jon trailed off in thought."...eat breakfast and then we're gonna go do something fun."

"Deal. What's for breakfast?" I tried so hard to smile.

"Pancakes with strawberries...whip cream...and...doughnuts." Jon got up off the bed and smiled at me.

"Thanks." I spoke sheepishly, knowing I was a burden.

"No problem. Now, go change your clothes and get ready for the day." Jon left, still smiling.

After he left, I let my smile go and heart sink. My mind floated to the girls, how were they coping with it? I vowed to never forgive them, not to never care about the,. And, for the first time since I had found out about mom, I realized just how much we needed each other.

But, eventually, I shook the thought from my head and stood up to change my clothes. Even that was a battle with myself. I know not to wear all black, that Jon would make me change anyways, but, I wanted at least some black. And, at the same time, I wanted none. I wanted absolutely nothing that had to do with death or mourning. I had to be happy somehow. So, almost inevitably, I choose a pair of jeans and a Led Zepplin shirt.

I left my room and entered the world, the first time in nearly twelve hours. It smelled amazing. Jon was one of the best cooks I knew and he knew exactly how I like my food; cooked by him. I noticed he had on a U2 CD...or something like them...which one though, I have no clue. But the shining-glory moment was when he went to flip a pancake and almost missed it, throwing it over he shoulders. The look on his face as he spun around on his heels to catch it was priceless. He got me to laugh and smiled almost immediately after, almost laughing himself.

"Smart." I said as I took a seat at my dining room table.

"Hey." Jon pointed the pan at me. "I still caught it."

"Like a spider-monkey."

"Always."

Jon let the pan's contents onto a plate and walked over to the table, two plates in hand, each with three pancakes each.

"Hang on a minute." He said as he went back the ten steps into the kitchen.

He rummaged around the fridge a bit until he came back with a tub of whip-cream, a bag of strawberries, and the chilled doughnuts. Jon smiled as he sat, so, I must of looked out of it. I tried to smile back and took a plate. But, I just stared at the food, the sudden realization that I wasn't hungry over-whelmed me.

"Something wrong?" Jon asked, though I'm sure he already knew.

I took a deep breath, "I'm fine."

He just nodded and went back to eating. Eat. I told myself as I lightly shook my head. And, for a not-so-hungry guys, I devoured Jon's cooking. Then again, I always did. I guess it just goes to show you what a good cook he was. Jon smiled again, happy that I ate, and took my plate into the kitchen with his to quickly wash.

My mind kept floating from one thing to another; food, mom, bored, mom, the girls, mom, drumming, mom. It seemed to me as if every other thought was "mom", but I don't know if it really was or not. However, I do know one thing: by the time Jon got back, I must of been crying again because he sat next to me and started wiping my tears. I just let my head fall to his chest. She's gone. I didn't think I could take it. Even though I had one light, that seemed to refuse going out no matter how many times my tear's drenched it. Even as I drenched what had to be his fifth shirt of the day, he still held me and tried to comfort me, refusing to be extinguished.

"It's okay, Spin." Jon whispered, playing with my hair.

Calm down, Mom wouldn't want to see me like this, would she? Of course not. And, it's not like it's my fault or anything. I tried to calm my self down and stop the steady river of tears Jon was currently swimming in.

And, I smiled.

Jon looked at me, confused.

"It's not my fault." I said those four words as if they were the meaning of life.

He just hugged me.

I knew it, I was going delusional, I didn't know to what extent though. But, that hug was the best I could of asked for because, that hug, showed me just of far off the deep end I had gone when the first thought to mind due to the hug itself was: "Jon, don't ever let go. Just, hold me forever."

"so, what are we gonna do?" I asked, trying to shake the thought from my head as we finally let go of each other.

"Whatever you want." He smiled.

"You know what I want." My words sounded wrong as I realized just who had said them before me...I made a face right after.

"I know what you mean." Jon said, recognizing the quote and then blowing it off. "What if we...went swimming with Bdon and Ryro?"

"Whatever you want." I smiled.

Okay, now, I'm gonna do you a favor here. I'm going to skip all the stuff in between me agreeing to Jon's suggestion and the actual time we arrived at the beach. So, there will be no mention of Jon calling them and explaining the situation, packing, Brendon and Ryan picking us up, McDonald's, or the hour-and-a-half drive there.

So, about three solid hours later, we got there. Ryan started complaining though, something about the paparazzi finding us. I didn't really worry that much though, the girls were the center of attention, it had only been a day, but I could already see it; "Top story tonight: Drummer's mom dead and he's nowhere to be found. What his sister's think, how they're coping, and detail of the death. Tonight at nine." Heh, maybe not, I wasn't that famous. But, they at least told the fans, that I was sure of.

The setting was quiet, almost calm. It was a small piece of land that almost no one knew about. Which, was nice as it turned out, we were the only one's there for the most part. Anyways, this calm and quiet was killed almost instantaneously after it's first crashing of waves by none other then the famously rambuncious and playful Brendon Urie as he tackled with a yell, the amazingly frail and stick-like for his diet Ryan Ross, who was standing in the shallows. But, that's not the important part. That part would be Jon.

"It's okay, Spin.It's hard, I know. The smallest actions bring back a rush of thoughts and memories, I know." Jon whispered as he put his hand on my shoulder.

He read my thoughts, Car-crash, even though I had tried to hide them from my facial expression. No, go on. You can be happy. You can do this. Not for you, Jon, Brendon, or Ryan. For mom.

I managed to pull a taut smile from my lips. My eyes still felt hurt though, and I'm almost one hundred percent sure I didn't fool anyone. I didn't fool myself.

Eventually, I walked from Jon's touch and into the shallows where Brendon and Ryan had since stopped wrestling and were now eating each other's faces. They had been together for about a year then. I lightly slapped Ryan up side the head. And, for the first time since the AFYCSO days, he flipped me the bird and chuckled.

I looked over my shoulder at Jon. He was still on the shore, letting the waves lap at him every-now-and-again. I swear, there was just something in his eyes calling me to his embrace....but I turned back around and let myself fall deep into the water.