Dazed and Abused

I sat on my bed with my notebook open to a blank page, my pen sitting idly beside it. Other torn pages, crumpled to poorly circular balls of fucked poetry and stupid stories surrounded me in a curious circle. I couldn’t think of anything, I couldn’t feel anything as the numbness was easily easing the pain from earlier.

No creativity, no reason to do anything but stare at the blank page with longing. I need this, but I can’t even muster enough strength to sit at my piano and jam. And its all because I can let go of some stupid boy…

but I’m a teenage girl remember?

I can’t recite exactly what he said, precisely what he said because I’ve tried to forget all about him and so far its worked primarily. But most of what I heard was “I’m in love with Bella Swan.”

I had met the tramp a couple times before, when I was hanging out with him in his garage, watching him work on the bikes she wanted them to ride and when she was there nearly every day. I had noticed that's what was going on, that she was leaning on him for support, I could understand much of what had happened to her. But she took him from me.

I hadn’t spoken or seen him, Embry, or Quil since that day, seeing as those three were conjoined at the hips, it was rare Jacob and I had moments alone together. So it was impossible for me to be around them when he was there, and I understood how unfair it was to put my two best friends in such a position, but at least they didn’t have to choose. I made the choice for them.

I was nearly choking myself to death when my father knocked on the door, my musically and advice talented, nerdy book collecting dad. I let himself in, I was too loose of air to speak and soon he was sitting cross-legged before me, pushing away the fucked poetry.

“Elaine…” He sighed, “Come to me child”

He embraced me like the broken kid I was, rocking me back in forth until I had knocked myself out silly. It was time I had forgiven myself for feeling, and it was time I forget who had caused my feelings.

That wasn’t what happened of course. I was released from counseling the following Friday, for different reasons then teen heartbreak, mind you, and soon I’d be going to La Push public high school. Two years of homeschooling had gotten old, and I was afraid it made me a little socially rusty.

But I pulled into the small parking lot, turning the engine of my very ancient yellow Honda an600 off before grabbing my messenger bag (happily knitted by my grandmother with shiny black yarn, I love the shit out of this thing) and shutting and locking the car. I stared at the front of the building for an exact moment of four minutes before the thumping in my heart had controlled itself to a normal pace.

“Elaine?” My name was spoken in question, was I here?

I turned to see Embry, taller then I remember him but of course, we were was fourteen the last time we spoke. His hair was shorter then I remember too, something unusual about him, but people change.

“God, what are you doing here?” He came closer to me, his eyes seemed hurt and his face in pain. I realized that my sudden silence and absence to him and Quil killed them both, I was their best friend.

“Because I’m not being homeschooled anymore…” My voice trailed away from the simple statement, but I remember no one not even the teachers knew the reason behind my sudden disappearance. No one but Jacob, however he was only the tip of the iceberg, everything below broke in pieces after…after he declared he was in love with her.

He embraced me in a warm, very warm hug and chuckled, I smiled and hugged him back. It was good to see him smile as he pulled away from me, and our friendship instantly picked up where it left off.

“I see your still the palest person in the world, so much for Quileute genetics right?” Embry spoke, elbowing me in the side as he walked me up to the brown entrance doors.

“Hey, not only was my evil mother part Welsh but I live in a state where sun does not only NEVER burn me but HIDES all the fucking time!” I shouted with a smug smile on my lips as Embry laughed in agreement.

“And your still as profane too.”

“Fuck I’ve never gotten over that.” I spoke immediately after he did, and his laughter echoed out across the parking lot. So far, it was good to be back.

That all had changed when lunch rolled around, flipping my good mood (because I had NO classes with Jacob so far) into a sour, “I hate the world” mood that no doubt the entire cafeteria could feel. Quil, who I had met up with in gym second period, was always stuffing his face of chilly…probably overcooked chilly, but it was undeniable the shit was delicious, despite. He smiled quickly before going at it again, making out with the bowl.

Then I felt Jacob’s eyes travel me to my own, and I glared at him with both a longing and hatred. Could I really forget that he broke me? He was the last pebble before my windshield just cracked all together. I sat down in between Quil and Embry, setting my homemade raspberry sandwich down as well on the napkin I had brought with me. I knew his eyes wouldn’t leave mine, it would be impossible considering I had changed a lot.

My black hair was short now, not long and nutty as it had been, straightened too. And my deep brownish grey eyes were rimmed with black and purple, plus I’m sure I was paler then usually, I hadn’t been around any sun lately and my dad’s lot had a weeping willow spilling over the top of the yard that provided shade when the sun had showed up. I wasn’t also dressed up as my old tom-boy self anymore, I gained a since of dark fashion…dark dark, baggy blue jeans and a Korn shirt…with my studded bracelets. I was mild today…to be honest.

“What the fuck are you staring at?” I finally snapped, the years of anger management a failure. Jacob’s eye widened with sudden shock at my harsh tone, and my eyes instantly soften. “Sorry.” I got up with my sandwich and left, it was too much to handle.

***

“Is it just me or…or is she beautiful?” Jacob spoke, but Quil glared at him softly.

“Hell Jacob? She pissed off at you and that’s all you can think about, what happened about Bella?” Quil asked, but Embry answered for him.

“She’s in love with the leech remember?”

They both saw the look on his face though as he watched her leave out the cafeteria doors and into the green, wet courtyard. It was just the look in his black eyes that told them exactly what had happened, and years of misery was coming back to haunt them.