Skin and Bones

Small black and white dots are forming in front of my eyes. At first I thought it was a fly, but then it multiplied within seconds. Even though I’m in the middle of my math-class, then I doubt that flies are able nor supposed to multiply.
I raise my hand.

“Yes, Frank?” Mrs. Shone – the only teacher at our school who actually refers to us by our first names. She’s old and her voice is rough yet pleasant, so she’s pretty much the entire school’s grandma – which is why she’s the only teacher who can get away with going against the principle’s wish to have all the teachers use our surnames. She doesn’t care. She’s cool that way.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” I’m already halfway out of my chair before she answers – knowing I won’t get a ‘no’.

“Of course.” I walk down the path between the tables. The spots are multiplying again. I seriously need to learn how to divide.
Suddenly I fall. My wrists hurt before my face meets the floor. I glide over the floor a bit, before I come to a stop.
Laughter erupts from the class. I lie still. I think the black and white dots are gone, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got a week’s worth of dragged-in dirt in my hair – and on my clothes.
“Are you okay, sweety?” Mrs. Shone grabs my arm and helps me up.

“Yeah,” I whisper. The dots are gone.
I nod as a ‘thank you’, before I continue my walk out of the room. The laughter continues to rung in my ears, even after I’ve closed the door behind me.

I sigh deeply, before I start walking down the hall. The sound of laughter is replaced by the sound of my heavy footsteps against the floor, but soon that sound is replaced by my own heartbeat – my own loud heartbeat.

The black and white dots are back – and quickly. It’s like they’re all around me all of the sudden, and I quickly reach out for the brick wall and guide my way down to sit on the floor. I don’t wanna pass out. I refuse to pass out – again.
I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. My hearing seems to be the only sense that’s working. I can’t see anything. I can’t feel anything. I don’t know about taste or smell, though.

“Frank?” The sound seems so far away. I heard it, but it’s so far away. My body seems to go limp, and I have a hard time sitting up. I hold onto the wall. I think.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I try to lift my head, but fail miserably.

I’m being shook, but that’s all I register. I can’t hear anything – not even my own heartbeat anymore. I can’t see anything. Everything is just completely black.
And I’m not even scared.

Suddenly I’m being pressed forward – my head lowering towards the floor. I don’t fight it. I just let whoever’s here guide me – like some limp puppet.
Suddenly my ears pound again. I can practically feel my eardrums being pounded at by the blood rushing through my head.

I start feeling my lungs again, and I take in a deep breath. It seems to clear my head a bit, and slowly my sight returns – blurry at first, but gradually getting clearer.

“Frank!” I’m shocked by the loud, sudden sound. I look up and see a blurry face.
“No, keep your head down. Just keep it down, okay?” Whoever’s here presses their hand at the back of my head and I bow my head again.
I’m looking at my crotch – a part of my disgusting body.
I close my eyes.
“Are you okay? Can you hear me?” Oh, fuck! It’s Gerard! It’s Ger-
And he’s touching me! He’s got a hand on the back of my head! He’s… He….
“Frank! Can you hear me?” He’s yelling.

“Yeah,” I whimper. Shit! I sounded pathetic! I sounded disgusti-
Oh fuck! Oh no! No no no no! No!
I’m being pathetic in front of him.
I gulp.

“Okay, good. Do you still feel dizzy?” How did he know?
I shake my head – his hand dancing over my scalp and ruffling my hair. A shiver runs down my spine. I exhale slowly. Oh, fuck. That feels… Oh lord.
My heart skips a few beats, I’m sure.
“Okay. Try and lift your head slowly, okay? Slowly.” I do as I’m told, and soon I see his gorgeous, amazing, flawless, perfect face. I forget to breathe.
“You feeling okay?” He looks concerned – wrinkles messing up his perfect features, making him look…even more perfect.
I nod.
He smiles.
My stomach turns into one big knot.
He gets up.
My stomach drops.
He smiles down at me and holds out a hand.
My stomach knots again.
I grab his hand and get up.
“I think we should get you something to eat. You didn’t eat anything at lunch, so that’s probably why you got dizzy.” I just nod. I barely even register what he’s saying – too busy staring at his perfect lips moving.
When I’m on my feet, we just stand there – staring at each other. He looks concerned.
“Are you okay?” He waves a hand in front of my eyes.

Fuck! Shit! I’m staring! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!

I tear my eyes away from him and look at the floor.

“Yeah,” I whisper. I don’t want him to be disgusted by my voice, so I keep it as low as possible.

“Good. Now, come on,” he says, before he turns around and… pulls at my hand. He’s still holding my hand! He’s holding my hand! And he’s pulling at me! He’s touching me!
I just follow – never wanting to let go of the grip he started.

He pulls me through the halls, but I’m too busy staring at our joined hands to notice where we’re going.

Suddenly I smell food and soap and chlorine. It all mixes in my nose and makes me cringe.
I tear my eyes away from our hands.

As I look around, my eyes slowly grow wider as my chest tightens – both from fear and nausea.
I swallow, but a gag threatens to escape my lips. I squeeze my lips together.

Gerard suddenly lets go of my hand, and I’m alone. Well, not completely alone, but…alone.

“So, what do you feel like having?” He walks over to the big fridge on the other side of the kitchen island. When he opens it, tons of packets of meat and vegetables appear.
I hold back another gag.
He turns around and looks at me. I smiles lightly – which most certainly does not help fight my nausea.
“Don’t worry. The lunch lady loves me. She doesn’t mind.” He turns back around and sticks his head into the fridge.
A gag almost escape my lips, but it stays in my mouth – making my tongue press against the roof of my mouth from the pressure.
I look away from the fridge, and instead my eyes fall upon a huge sack of apples.
I close my eyes.
I gag – audibly. My mouth open and everything.
A hand flies up in front of my mouth – just in case. Nothing comes up, though.
“Are you okay?” I hear the fridge door getting sucked closed, and I gag again.
Gerard footsteps move closer.
“Frank, you’re completely pale. Are you okay?” I squeeze my eyes shut. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Do-
“Frank?”

Suddenly I feel his hand on my shoulder.
I jump back and slam against something. It doesn’t stop me, though. I keep moving backwards – eyes shut tightly.

Don’t look at me. Don’t look a-

“Frank!”
I lose my balance, but before I fall I’m stopped – a hand wrapped around my wrist. Gerard pulls me back up to standing position.
“Frank, look at me?” I keep my eyes closed. Don’t lo-
“Frank!” Gerard yanks at my arm. I whimper.
“Open your eyes!” I keep them tightly shut. My chest is heaving. My heart is pounding.
He hates me.
I hear a loud, struggled sigh.
He hates me.
“Frank.” His voice is suddenly calm, soothing and even caring, and I find myself actually believing that he doesn’t hate me.

But deep down, I know he does.
He always had – always will.

Something tickles my cheek, and I turn my head away from it. I know it’s his soft, soft hand that’s touching my cheek, but his perfect hand doesn’t deserve to touch my disgusting skin.

My chest feels so tight.

I hear him sigh again – this time it sounds shaky.

“Can’t you see how thin you are? How skinny you look?” I wince at his words. He doesn’t mean them. He’s taunting me – ridiculing me. He knows I’m fat. He know I’m gut-wrenchingly disgusting. He knows. He’s always known.
“You need to eat.” My throat is so tight that I can barely breathe. Tears are threatening to escape my tightly closed eyes.
“You looked so perfect a year ago.” The first tear rolls down my left cheek – towards his hand. It hurts. It all hurts. It hurts so much. His words, his voice, his tormenting – they hurt so much.

Suddenly, he kisses my cheek. He kisses my tear – away.
My breath hitches in my throat.
Why must he torture me this way?

I feel a pressure on my lips, and my eyes fly open.
Oh god. Oh lord. Oh my…fuck! He’s kissing me! He’s kissing my lips! What?

He suddenly pulls away and gaze into my eyes. And then… And then I see… Hesitation? Insecurity? Doubt? Fear…?

He swallows.
He opens his mouth to say something, and this is when I lose my brain completely. I leap forward and reattach my lips to his and kiss him. I kiss him!
And he doesn’t pull away.

No.

He kisses back!
His soft lips glide over mine. Our lips move together in a perfect rhythm, and I can’t believe how perfect this is.

But I can’t breathe. Suddenly it’s all my brain can focus on. It’s like it suddenly screams ‘no breath, no breath’ – right at the wrong moment.
Way too soon, I reluctantly pull away – gasping for air as soon as our lips part.

The tightness in my chest is back.

When I open my eyes, I see that Gerard’s are still closed. He’s gasping for air too. I just stare at him – his lips. I think I forget to gasp for air, because suddenly a large gulp of air enters my lungs suddenly.

“Wow,” he whispers – his eyes still closed. I nod. He obviously doesn’t see it.

“Yeah,” I whisper back, and finally – slowly – his hazel-green eyes appear from behind heavy eyelids. I gasp for air again.
His hand has never left my cheek, and he softly rubs a thumb over it. I almost close my eyes to revel myself in the feeling, but I keep them open – in desperate need to see Gerard’s beautiful, gorgeous eyes.

“Will you eat for me?” I’m taken aback by the question. He just stares at me – reassurance in his eyes. A reassurance that I don’t trust.
He wants me to eat? Why? So I can become fatter? So I can stay chubby?
I can’t! I can’t stay this way! I refuse to stay fat and ugly for my entire life! I just won’t!
“Please?” His voice sounds surprisingly sad – maybe even regretful.
I look down. How did I just do that so easily? Just before I couldn’t even blink because I wouldn’t be able to see him, and now it’s suddenly so easy to just look down?

I’m so confused.

Suddenly the soft touch of his hand disappears off my cheek, and instead both of his hands grab a firm hold of my hips.
He whips me around, and if it wasn’t for his tight hold I would stumble and fall.

“Look! Look at yourself, Frank!” I glance up and see another fridge. It has a blank surface – the perfect mirror.
I look back down. I see my own fat legs and close my eyes.
“Frank!” He’s yelling. He’s mad. I made him mad. He hates me. He hates me so much! I can’t do anything right! I can’t even make someone love me! I can’t do what someone I love tells me to do!

I’m worthless.

Suddenly Gerard pushes me away from the fridge. He pushes me out the door and down the hallway. Then he turns and we walk into a bathroom.

I know what’s coming up next.
I close my eyes.

“Open your eyes and look, Frank! Look!” He grabs a tight hold of my head and lifts it up.
My eyes are still closed.
“Look!” he yells right into my ear, and my eyes fly open.
As soon as I see myself, I feel bile rise up from my stomach.
Gerard lets go of my face and quickly stands next to me. Suddenly he lifts his shirt up. His pale, perfect stomach appears, and I want nothing more than to touch it and kiss and caress the perfect skin.
“Do the same!” His voice is still rough – commanding. I twitch.
“Do it!” Without further ado, I close my eyes and lift my shirt up the way he’s doing.
Tears escape my eyes. I feel so exposed. My arms are trembling.

I know I’m gonna kill myself after this. This is the final step. This is the lowest of the lows. This is the end of my life of humiliation. This is the end.
And I will die having Gerard see me like this – exposed, humiliated and disgusting. And I’m sure he’s gonna remember and enjoy the tortured look on my face for the rest of his life.

“Open your eyes.” His voice is suddenly nothing but a whisper. It’s begging.

And I give in.

I stare at my exposed skin. It’s pale, but not as pale and perfect as Gerard’s skin. He’ll always be far too perfect.

“I’m fatter than you,” he whispers. I blink the tears that are blurring up my vision out of my eyes.
“Can’t you see that?” His voice is shaking, and when I look up at his reflected eyes, I see tears. I see tears in those perfect eyes and my chest twists around itself.

Suddenly Gerard lets go of his shirt – it covering his stomach once again. He turns to me, and before I can even let go of my shirt, he’s got his arms around me – tightly.
I let go of my shirt and softly – carefully – lie my hands on his shoulder. I lean my head against his chest.

“You’re so beautiful. Why can’t you see that?” He’s crying into my hair – his breath warming up my scalp. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around his neck.

He holds me tighter.

I can’t believe I’m doing this – trusting him like this. My nemesis has become my hero – my savior.

And I just enjoy it – having been saved.