Skin and Bones

No one should really be surprised by the fact that I got every single question wrong in last night’s homework. I just can’t do math. It doesn’t make sense to me.

I walk down the hall with my head hung low. I try not to think about anything – at least not too much. Everything is going wrong. It’s just…going wrong.

I reach my locker and throw my backpack into it, before I slam it shut and continue my walk down the empty hall.
The principal send a note to my teacher, which she then gave me. It told me to go to the school counselor early today. I’m just glad that I got out of the last 20 minutes of math. I was getting slaughtered!

I arrive at the door. It’s already open.
I step inside.

“Hi there, Frank!” She’s way too cheery. I really don’t like her.
She walks over to me and politely shake my hand. Her hold of my hand is light, but the dryness of her hands makes me shudder.
“Come take a seat.” She closes the door, before she walks over to her armchair and put her clipboard in her lap, while I walk over to the couch. I don’ really need a couch – I’ll refuse to lie down. Only crazy people lie down. I’m not crazy. I’m not.
“So, how are you doing?” I just nod. I’m really not in the mood for this today. I actually just wanna be alone. It’s a long time since I’ve been alone.
“You’re probably wondering why you’re here early, aren’t you?” I shrug. My nails are very interesting today.
I hear her sigh. Is it bad that I can’t remember her name? Is it worse that I actually don’t want to? Is it terrible that I don’t care?
“The thing is, Frank, we’ve invited your mother to join us today.” My head snaps up. My wide eyes catch hers, and she flinches.
“You told me that you’ve been having problems. Both of you. So I talked to the principal, and he agreed that it might be a good idea for the two of you to talk in a safe environment.” Safe? Safe? You call this safe? Nowhere is safe!
“Just relax, okay sweetie? I’m gonna be here the entire time and help you, okay? Don’t worry. It’ll all get better once you’ve talked about it.” I feel like running.
I wanna run to nowhere.
There’s a knock on the door and I flinch uncontrollably.
“Just relax.” She pats my knee once, before she gets up and walks over to open the door.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Hello, Mrs. Iero,” the counselor says cheerfully. I clench both of my hands into one fist.

“Actually, it’s Miss now.” She sounds too…happy – too cheerful and normal.

“Oh, I’m sorry for the mix-up.” I hear the door close.

“No worries. I’m also thinking about taking back my maiden name, but I figured I should wait until Frank is 18.” I flinch at the mentioning of my name.

“How clever of you.” No. No it’s not!
“Please, sit down.” I open my eyes and stare down at my hands. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom sit down next to me – the couch giving in and tilting my body towards her. I scoot away.
“I’m really glad you were able to come. From what Frank has been telling me, you have a few unresolved issues. I’d like to talk about them, if you don’t mind?” I mind! I mind a fucking lot! I mind the fact that you just told my mom that I’ve been bitching about her behind her back, when I’ve done nothing but make her look good!
I did! I made her look good. I told the counselor that we’ve fought a few times – verbally. I’ve never said anything about abuse. I’ve never even hinted towards it.
I didn’t even tell her about the time my mom broke my phone.

“Oh, I don’t mind. And Frank doesn’t seem to mind either.” I glance up at the clock as I hear the venom in her voice. I’m sure the counselor doesn’t hear it – her ear not being used to my mom’s voice.

“I’m glad.” There’s a short silence only being filled by the pulsating sound of seconds passing by. I feel my mom’s eyes on me the entire time – for a full 30 seconds.
“Alright. Frank has been telling me about how his father, your husband, left you two and a half years ago. Is that right?” She doesn’t even believe me. She thinks all that came out of my mouth yesterday was a lie. The only damn thing that was a lie was me denying ever having been hit!

“Yes. That’s right.” My mom sounds upset – sad and ashamed. I can tell that it’s fake.
She sighs.
“I tried being a good mother. I tried protecting Frank from getting hurt by his father leaving him – us.” The last word comes too late. She still blames me.
“But it was hard. And I gave up. I gave up too easily.” Her voice is trembling. It’s still incredibly fake, but I’ll bet you fifty bucks that the counselor is eating it all up.
“I started drinking. I just needed to feel my own pain go away. Sadly, it didn’t. And sadly, I left Frank behind. Obviously that’s where I went wrong.” I beg the differ. How about the first time you hit me?

“You can’t blame it all on yourself.” My head snaps up as the counselor utters those words. I see the last word leave her mouth.
“You’re only human. We all make mistakes.” My mom sniffles. I can’t look at her, so I keep staring at the counselor – disbelievingly.
“The place where this whole situation went wrong was when your husband left.” I know I’m not breathing. I can’t feel my chest move, though it does sting – hurts. I can feel my eyes burn. My dad never did anything wrong. He never hit me.

“I guess you’re right.” No! No, she’s not! No!
“I’m still sorry for everything I did to you, Frank.” My mom places a soft hand on my knee, and before I can even think, my eyes are locked with hers.
“And I’m even more sorry for everything I didn’t do.” I can’t tear my eyes away from hers. They’re burning with fake emotions – fake apologies – and they seems to weld my eyes to her own. I can’t believe her. I won’t!

“It’s a very big step you’re taking, Miss Iero.” My mom’s eyes easily tear themselves away from mine, though mine seem to follow hers until they’re hidden behind her dark-brown hair.

“Please, call me Linda.” Her voice is too nice. It’s just wrong! It’s not my mom!
Or is it?
She-

“Frank also told me about how you’ve started drinking again? Is that correct?” My mom sighs and her shoulders drop. She looks down at the floor. She’s wearing her white shoes – white. She’s dressed nicely. She looks…appropriate. She looks like she used to.

“Yes,” she whispers. She looks remorseful. She… She regrets it.

“It’s very brave of you to admit that. It must be hard.” Her hair is combed. She’s wearing a light layer of make-up. Her breath is minty, yet with a hint of cinnamon from her usual breakfast.
She’s like she used to be.

“It was. But I’ve stopped. I’ve been sober for 46 hours now.” She’s been counting. She’s been aware of the hours passing. She’s missed me?

“It’s amazing. Isn’t it Frank?” My eyes flicker over to the counselor, who’s giving me an urging look. I look back at my mom who’s still staring at the floor – embarrassed and…genuine.

“Yeah,” I whisper – or rather exhale. I’m out of breath. My chest, throat and eyes hurt, but it doesn’t matter.
My mom is back.

--

We walk out to the school’s parking lot towards my mom’s car. She’s still smiling. So am I.
I stand by the passenger door and wait for her walk around the car and unlock it, when I suddenly see Gerard. He’s sitting on the hood of his car. He’s seen me. He’s staring right at me – confused.

I hear the lock click and I quickly open the door and scramble into the car. I don’t know why I’m in such a hurry, but I just feel like I need to get away from Gerard.
I don’t know why.

My mom starts the car and backs out of the parking lot. I slide down in my seat slightly.
When we start reaching Gerard’s car, he’s standing next to the trunk. He still looks utterly confused.
When we drive past him, he’s been joined by Mikey.
As they slide past the car window, I feel like my stomach is being ripped open. I know the feeling all too well.
Guilt.