Skin and Bones

My eyes crack open. I manage to comprehend a wall in front of me, before my eyelids fall down again. I try to sleep some more, but my body is slowly waking up. I feel something tickling my arched back. My legs are curled up to my stomach – my body lying in fetal position.
The tickling continues – running up and down my spine. I shiver lightly. The tickling stops.

“You awake?” Gerard softly whispers – his finger still pressed against my spine. It feels good, but I can’t help but feel self-conscious and embarrassed by his attention. I can’t help but think what he might be thinking.
I slowly turn around – lifting my hips from time to time so that I won’t roll over him.

When I’ve gotten settled on the right side of my body – my left side aching slightly from the pressure of my weight all night – I lift my head to see Gerard. He’s smiling – his eyes so soft with care that it feels as if they’re burning holes in my cheeks.

“You sleep okay?” I look away from his eyes briefly in attempt to cool my burning face, but it doesn’t work.
I nod.
I feel Gerard soft hand against the skin of my upper arm and I close my eyes to enjoy it fully, before I look back into his eyes. His eyes are filled with so many different emotions that they confuse me a bit.
“My mom called the school. We all get to stay home today,” he says cheerfully – smiling while staring at my arm. There’s something in his eyes that I can’t point out. His smile even looks…sadder?

He keeps running his knuckles up and down my upper arm. He stares at it intently – as if he’s afraid a burn will suddenly appear where he’s caressing my skin.
His eyes still have that look in them. It’s not just sadness. There’s so much more in them, but I can’t seem to read them. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve just woken up, but I just can’t tell what that look means.

“What’s bothering you?” I whisper – as if a voice too loud would break the walls of the room and have the ceiling fall down on us.
Gerard’s caress turns into a soft, slow, circular rubbing of his thumb – the rest of his fingers placed lightly beside the invisible circle.

“Why did you apologies last night?” He doesn’t look at me as he asks. His voice is just as hushed as mine was. He sounds ashamed.
I drag in a deep breath quickly – my chest rising quicker, it seems. Gerard’s gaze shifts. His thumb stops in its trail.
I don’t know what to tell him.
I don’t know how to tell him.

His eyes finally look up at mine – looking for an answer. His eyes shift from one eye to another – they flicker like a candle lacking oxygen; it’s flame stretching as far as it can to find life.
He seems to find it.
His eyes relax – his gaze slowly dropping onto my lips.

“I’ve tried.” He keeps staring at my lips as I talk. It’s comforting – he’s looking at me, yet not into my eyes, which makes this so much easier.
“I even tried doing what you made me do in the bathroom at school. I tried showing my body to myself, but all…I saw…was,” I’m losing my breath despite how many times I gasp for it. Suddenly it all comes crashing down on me – the shame, the dread, the despair. I start losing sight of why I’m doing this, but at the same time I can’t stop seeing my faults. I’ve done it all the wrong way, and I need to fix it.
“Help me?” As soon as the words have left my lips, Gerard’s eyes shift up into mine – staying still and firm.

He doesn’t blink despite the thousands of times I do to rid my eyes of tears. None leave my eyes, but they all gather right on the brim.
He doesn’t answer.
But he does confirm.
He presses his lips against mine – softly, yet firm – and with his eyes closed grabs a tight hold of my hand. He squeezes it firmly as his lips seem to assure me that he’s gonna be right there for me.