Skin and Bones

I walk down to my room. Or mine and Gerard’s. When I step through the doorway, I smile. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and I can feel my cheeks heat up and prickle slightly.
This is my room.

But Gerard isn’t in it anymore. He’s not at his desk, and the light in the bathroom is off. I turn around and look up the stairs, but decide not to go. He’s probably spending some alone-time with Mikey. They might be talking about how I’ll be living here and how they feel about that. And that’s okay. It’s their house and they’re entitled to their opinion about me.

I grab onto the hem of my shirt and fiddle with it a bit.
I look across the tiny, dark room and see another room. The lights are off, but I can make out a white washing machine. A ray of sunshine is shining in, and in that ray I see my teddy bear.
I feel like crying and laughing, all at once.

I cross the small room in three steps and take one step into the dark laundry room.
My teddy bear is hanging on a clothing line that’s stretching from one wall to the other, and right in front of the small, basement window is my teddy bear – hanging from a clothespin by its ear.

I take it down and hold it close. It smells like fabric softener and a slight bit of dust, but it’s dry and it’s here.
I revel in the feeling of childish cuddliness as I walk back to my room. I still feel like crying and laughing, but I settle for just hugging my teddy bear closer as I lie down in the middle on Gerard’s bed – all done with my eyes closed.

I keep hugging my teddy bear. I’ve had it since I was born. My mom once said that my dad bought it in the gift shop when he first arrived at the hospital, but I was never – and I’m still not – able to see my dad as being such a caring person. If he gave it to me then, then why did he try and take it away from me when I was 5?
He told me it was childish and that kids my age weren’t playing with teddy bears anymore.
I pretended to not be using it anymore, but each night I made sure my closet was open so that I could see it from my bed. I made it a special bed in the closet. It was a very soft bed.
When my parents started fighting, I would hide in the closet with my teddy bear. I would sit on its bed and hold it close, ‘cause when I did that, I wasn’t in the real world. I was in our world.
My teddy bear was my sanctuary – my escape from reality. My sanctuary didn’t hurt. There was no fear and it wasn’t loud. It was only soft.

I open my eyes and sit the teddy bear on my chest. I brush a finger over its cheek.
When I hurt, it hurt with me. When I cried, its face got wet. When I ran, it ran with me.

The bed suddenly gives in, and I’m torn from my thoughts when I whip my head to my right.
Gerard smiles softly.

“What’s its name?” He nods towards my teddy bear. I look at it and bite my lip quickly.

“It doesn’t have one.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew it was mine. No one else would take it.” I pull it back into a tight embrace.
“No one else wanted it.”
Gerard scoots around and lies down next to me. One hand is holding up his head as he’s looking down at me and my teddy bear, while the other settles on my stomach. He runs his hand up across my chest, brush it over my arms and then pets my teddy bear’s head softly.
I can feel his gaze on me and when I look up, a soft smile appears on his calm face.

“Does that mean I don’t have a name anymore?” I smile back.
I use all the strength I have in my body to flex my abs and pull myself up high enough to peck Gerard’s lips. The kiss is all too short, but it’s all I can muster.

“I love you.” At first he looks shocked, but soon a wide smile spreads across his face. It’s as if his entire body lights up, before he hurls himself on me and smothers me in a hug.

“I love you too.” His voice is muffled by my arm. He starts kissing it. I giggle.
He suddenly pulls away and looks straight into my eyes – his face sincere.
“I really do.” I smile widely back at him.

“I trust you.” My voice comes out as amused, and it’s not until afterwards that I realize the truth behind those words.

Gerard leans down and kisses me softly, before he cuddles into my side. He kisses the side of my neck once, before he wraps his arms and legs around me and just holds me.
I close my eyes. I don’t think I ever really fall asleep, but all of the sudden it’s dinner time. We crawl out of bed after a few quick kisses, and I set my teddy bear softly down on the bed before I follow Gerard up the stairs.

Halfway, I stop.

Gerard stops since our hands are joined.
I look up at him. He’s a step up higher than I am, which makes him even taller.
I lick my lips and open and close them several times, before I finally just ask.

“Help me eat?” Gerard only blinks once before he squeezes my hand reassuringly.