Skin and Bones

He’s fallen asleep. His breaths evened out hours ago and his hand on my stomach is still slack.
I still can’t sleep.

“Who? Your chubby little friend?”
He said he didn’t mean it, but then, why did he ever way it? Why did he call me chubby? Why did he ever make me doubt myself?
I’m starting to doubt everything.

“You’re an ungrateful, little fag!”
She meant it – every word. And she was right. I’m ungrateful. I’m lying in the arms of the most beautiful man in the world, and all I can think about is how he tore me apart so long ago.

“Move it, you faggot!”
I should be proud. I should be proud of the fact that such a gorgeous man would ever wrap his beautiful arms around me, but instead I keep wondering why he ever said those words – why he ever hurt me.

“I’ve become quite good at spotting a liar.”
“I didn’t mean it. I never thought that. You didn’t hear it all. You don’t understand, Frankie.”
I’ve never understood. Did he lie? Was it all just a lie, or was everything after that a lie?
I’m beginning to doubt everything.

“You looked so perfect a year ago.”
I should’ve stopped. I should’ve stopped a year ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be this screwed up. I wouldn’t have bruises all over my body.
I should make it stop. I should end it all now. I’ll never be okay again.

“You’re too cute.”
He’ll be hurt, but only for a while. Eventually he’ll see the truth – that he’s better off without me. I’ll just screw his life up. I’ve already fucked up myself, I shouldn’t be damaging him.

“No. He’s my boyfriend and he needs me right now.”
Why am I thinking this? Why am I doubting everything? Why can’t I just appreciate it?

“I’m gay and I’m in love with Frank.”
“I just want him to feel safe.”
He cares about me, and all I do is act selfish. All I do is prove my mom right.

“You’re so beautiful.”
I should appreciate him. Everything he says should be like gold to me.

“You’re so gorgeous, do you know that?”
He is gold to me. I’m just the dirt that surrounds him. I should appreciate him, because one day someone might come around and dig him up, and then he’d be someone else’s gold to show off instead of hide.

“You’re beautiful, baby. You’re so beautiful. I wish you could see that. I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me. It’s the world that’s ugly, not you. You’re so gorgeous. Please, see that?”
Please, let me see it. My dear own mind, please, let me see what he sees.

“I love you.”
I tighten my hold on his arm to pull him closer to me. He groans a bit in his sleep, but that’s all. But he does get closer to me.
I enjoy him. I enjoy feeling him this close.

“I love you too,” I whisper. Gerard sighs heavily – his breath hitting my nape.
I smile softly before I let myself drift off to sleep.