Skin and Bones

We walk through the rotating doors to the mall. I look around and spot a few judgmental looks. They’re mainly from old people and one is from a business guy with a phone pressed to his ear, but they all make me feel the same.
Exposed.
I bow my head, but I don’t let go of Gerard’s hand.

We haven’t talked about earlier. He said he didn’t want to, and I respect that.
We walk around for a while. The others never stop talking. I try to join in, but the conversation either moves too fast or I feel like what I want to say is completely redundant.

“Hey, guys!” Gerard yells when the guys keep walking while Gerard and I have stopped. I look up at the store sign. I try to subdue my pleased and ecstatic smile. I haven’t been to Hot Topic in forever.

I look ahead of the guys and their surprised, yet still happy, faces and out of the corner of my eye I see Gerard pointing a finger at the store. He walks in front of me and drags me into the store. I giggle.

He walks straight to the first display-table and pick up a pair of black jeans. He lets go of my hand to hold them up and look at them properly. I pick up a t-shirt, but fold it back up and put it down when I see the bright colored print on it. I’m not one for bright colors. They’re too ‘look at me’.

“Turn to me,” Gerard quickly says, and without thinking about it, I do.
Gerard holds the pants up in front of me.
“I think you should try these on. They seem to be your size.” I look down at them. They look kinda small, but what do I know. After all, it’s been ages since I’ve bought a pair of pants.

“Oh, they look cool,” Mikey says and steps in between Gerard and I – pushing Gerard’s outstretched arms away with his bony hips.
“I wanna try ‘em too!” He leafs through the pants and finds his size. He then turns, grabs the pants meant for me out of Gerard’s hands and grabs one of mine. He pulls me towards the changing rooms.
“Here,” he says, looks carefully at each pair of pants and hands me the smallest pair. He then smiles and enters the first free changing room.

I look down at the tiny piece of clothing. My mind is racing and I can’t make out one full, complete thought.

I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath, before I walk over to the next changing room and pull the curtain shut.
I ignore every single mirror in there – creating imaginary blinkers and stare at the blue curtain. I kick off my shoes and set them underneath the curtain to make sure no one accidentally enters and sees me. I then loosen my belt and let my pants drop onto the floor.

I step into the pants. They’re a little hard to pull over my feet, and I have to take a step back and sit on the stool in the corner in order to get my big feet through the holes.
I swallow down my nerves and stand up to pull the pants up. I expect trouble. I expect my rolls of fat to bulge over the waistline of the pants before I’ve even gotten them past my knees.

But they don’t.

All the way up, they slide along my legs with such ease that the rough denim almost tickles my skin.
I look down and button and zip them up.

“Fuck…me!” I hear Mikey yell in the changing room next to me.
“Gerard!” he screams loudly.

“What!” I hear footsteps come closer.

“Could you go find the same pair, only a size bigger?” I can hear the sugar-coating in Mikey’s voice as he plays the cute, helpless little brother who needs his big brother’s help.
I hear Gerard groan, then walk away.

I look down at my own pants again. Again my brain is moving so fast – searching through its entire hard drive, trying to find an explanation for this scenario.
It comes up short.
I turn around, still looking at my pants, and face the mirror.

When I look up, I immediately take a step back. My breath hitches in my throat and my eyes go blurry within seconds. I feel the blue curtain against my back and I grip onto it – tightly. I swallow harshly.
What have I done to myself?

“Here!” Gerard grunts.

“Thanks, Gee!”

“How are you doing, babe?”

“Very good!”

“Shut up!”
“Frank?”
I close my eyes.
I’ve done this to myself – and that’s what really hurts.