Skin and Bones

Dinner went pretty well tonight. I ate a bit more – I think – than last night. It tasted really good and since Donna pointed out that it was low-fat, I got the courage to eat more of it.

Gerard is upstairs taking a shower and Mikey is doing his homework. At least that’s what he said he’d be doing, so I think he’s either on the phone or online talking with Alicia or jerking off to thoughts of her.

I forget to shutter as I lower my gaze further. I’m now staring at my naked chest. I thought my collarbones sticking out was bad, but the fact that you can easily count my every rib as if they were naked bars in a prison cell makes me realize how wrong I was.
I don’t wanna believe it. I want the mirror to be lying to me – to show me that I’m not thin, nor fat.
I don’t wanna be this.

I lower my gaze further. My stomach is barely there. Where I used to see fat, I now only see skin – nothing else.
Mikey’s skinny, but I’m…nothing.

I lower my gaze further, but that’s when the mirror stops. I stare at the wooden frame.
What have I done to myself? Am I really this thin? How can I be so thin? I never really did any of the things I wanted to do to get thinner. I failed every diet I ever went on. I never joined any sports teams or took a ride on my bike every day like I’d planned.
I failed every attempt to lose weight. So how can I be so thin?

I lift my gaze and look at my stomach again. The fat is bulging out – layers on layers on layers. Rolls of fat are hanging from my stomach, and the top roll comes from my chest. I’ve got saggy man-breasts. My collarbones are nowhere to be seen, and my ribs might as well be made out of fat as well. Every last layer, fold and roll of fat is covered with stretched skin. Each stretch-mark looks like a scar – a war wound.

That’s what this is – it’s a war. A war on fat. A war on me.
I’m a soldier who needs to find the lies and destroy them in order to save the truth and bring it home.
Each item of food is a tank. Each bite is a bomb. Realization is a crater left behind.
And if I don’t fight, I will die.