Skin and Bones

Gerard keeps sending me small smiles at the dinner table. We’re having Donna’s famous mushroom soup, and it tastes really good.
I haven’t looked down at it once.
It’s odd how my mind works. I can look at everyone else’s bowl of soup and stare at each of the Ways as they bring their soup-filled spoons into their mouths, but I can’t look at my own. I watch them do this repeatedly, but I never think about the fact that I’m doing it myself.
I just do it.

Soon, my bowl is empty. Or at least my spoon continues to be.

“So, Gerard,” Donna says sweetly, before she daps her smiling lips with her napkin. She’s got a somewhat amused look in her eyes, and I look confused over at Gerard to try and understand what’s going on.
Gerard’s blank facial expression tells me nothing.
“Have you decided what you want to do on your birthday?” My breath catches in my throat for a second, before my wide eyes snap over at Donna. She looks completely serious.
I look back at Gerard.

“Nothing,” Gerard says and shrugs. He’s got an indifferent look on his face – as if his birthday is just another day.
But it isn’t!
“A cake would be just fine. Nothing more, Mom.” Why didn’t he tell me his birthday was coming up?

“Do you want your friends to come over?” But then again; I understand. It’s not exactly something you just blurt out. That’d seem selfish.

“Sure. That’d be fun.” I can’t help but grin as I imagine Gerard as a little kid, blowing out his candles while his family and friends are watching him and waiting to get a piece of the damn cake.

“What do you want?” Mikey asks suddenly. I look over at him and see him leaning back in his chair with his hands on his stomach – as if he’s full.
I look down at his bowl and spot a few uneaten mushrooms gathered by the edge. He hasn’t eaten them all. Or any of them, perhaps.

“Nothing, really. I’m sure mom and dad have already bought whatever I’ve begged for, for the last year.” I look down at my own bowl for the first time tonight.

“Oh, shut up,” Donna says playfully.
I’ve eaten everything. I’ve eaten more than Mikey.
Is that too much?

“Well, nothing you shall get!” I look up at Mikey quickly, when I hear his chair being pushed back. He’s standing tall on the other side of the table and looks…normal. Not too thin.
Not too fat.
“I’m going to my room!”

“No, you’re not,” Donna says quickly.
“It’s your turn to do the dishes.” Mikey grunts, but quickly admits defeat and picks up his and Donald’s bowl and walks into the kitchen.
Gerard gets up from beside me, take mine and his bowl and follow Mikey.
So does Donna.
I swallow down what feels like a mushroom stuck in my throat.

“So,” Donald says suddenly and I turn my head 180 degrees. He’s leaning back in his chair. He looks extremely confident and kinda intimidating.
“I’m guessing you didn’t know it was Gerard’s birthday on Friday.” Friday? Already?
I shake my head and pull off a shy smile.

Donald laughs lightly, but it sounds struggled. Maybe he’s just trying to break the silence? And the barrier between us.
Not that I think there is any barrier – just a lot of unspoken words.
His laughter dies down and an awkward silence spreads in the room. I sit stiffly in my chair with my back straight. I don’t want to seem rude, especially since I’m an uninvited, staying guest in their house. I know I’ve called it home before, but to them; it’s not my home.
I know that.

“Frankie?” I turn my head back towards the kitchen and see Gerard standing in the doorway.
“Wanna go downstairs and watch a movie or something?” I smile and nod. His voice is so innocent and cute that the image of him as a kid pops back into my mind. This time, he’s a little older, but definitely not less cute.
He’s still cute.

-----

The school week passes quickly – too quickly, it seems. Suddenly, it’s Thursday and I still haven’t been able to find or even think of a present for Gerard. I went to the mall with Donna yesterday, but I spotted nothing that I could possibly give Gerard.

In school today, I got two failed reports back, which didn’t help my mood at all.
I’m failing. I’m not just failing in school – obviously not being able to understand any of the things I’m supposed to by now – but also with Gerard.
I’m going to disappoint him when I don’t give him a present. He’s going to see me as a greedy person who only takes and takes and never give anything back. But worst of all; I’m gonna have to face his sad face when I let him down.

And there it is again; I’m greedy. I take all of his love and never really return it. He makes me feel important and I can’t even find a simple present to show him that he’s just as – if not more – important to me.
But all of that wouldn’t matter – all of those thoughts wouldn’t even exist in the first place – if I was able to just look in the mirror and see the loving, caring person that I see when I close my eyes and imagine myself.
I never see what I want to see in that mirror.

Gerard comes out of the bathroom and practically runs across the room and jumps onto the bed. I giggle, while he crawls under the sheets and wraps an arm around me to pull me into a soft and tender embrace.
I nuzzle into his neck and breathe his scent in and out before I fall asleep.