Skin and Bones

I step into the bathroom, hoping it’s the one Gerard meant. It’s the one closest to the cafeteria. I turn the corner and at the other end of the bathroom, leaning against a sink, is Gerard. He’s staring down at the floor, but he looks up at me when I walk towards him.

He smiles immediately.

I’m already smiling.

“Hi,” he says slowly, as if he’s pulling himself out of a daydream.
I try to say ‘hi’ back, but my vocal cords aren’t working with me and my jaw barely even moves. My lips are too busy smiling to care about talking.

I walk over to him and hug him. He’s still leaning against the sink, but his hands leave his sides and wrap around me quickly. His tight hold brings me closer and I let my eyes fall shut as my nose gets buried in his hair. He smells like his sweet sweat, coffee and moist wood. I have no idea how he pulls that last smell off, but it’s incredibly soothing. It fits him.

He pulls away slowly, and when I do the same I feel like my chest is stuck. It feels as if my lower chest cave has entangled with his and won’t let go. But when I look down, there’s a distance between us. A distance that could be smaller.

I feel Gerard’s forefinger underneath my chin, and he pushes my head up. I look up into his eyes, and even though they’re smiling, I can see hidden regret behind them. The way the corners of his eyes are hanging lower than usual tells me something’s bothering him.

Suddenly the door to the bathroom is pushed open, and I quickly step away from Gerard and instead throw myself up against the wall next to me. I look straight ahead to see some random kid walk into a stall, looking at us suspiciously, before he disappears behind the door.

I look back at Gerard to see him smile in relief, but I can easily spot the regret that’s still lingering in his eyes. Or guilt, perhaps.
When he reaches his hand out, I slip mine into his immediately. He starts stroking the back of my hand and I squeeze his lightly.

“I’m sorry for what I did yesterday.” I look up at his eyes, but he’s not looking at mine. He’s staring down at our joined hands. I look down at his thumb as I feel it run across my knuckles, then down the back of my hand.
“I went to Ray’s to do biology, but I just couldn’t focus.” He presses his finger against my hand, leaving a white imprint that quickly disappears.
“I was the one who suggested the drinking, so you shouldn’t be mad at Ray. I just-“ He sighs heavily.
“I don’t even know why I did it, which only makes it so much stupider, but we went and bought some cheap scotch and drank it. Just for fun. When the police showed up, we had already drunk the whole bottle, and since Ray’s still a minor and I kinda forgot that I’d turned 18, they just drove us home.”

I hear the random kid step out of the bathroom and walk over to a sink, but I only see his shoes out of the corner of my eye. His presence doesn’t bother me. I’m focusing on Gerard right now, and though the kid’s presence is slightly distracting, it doesn’t bother me one bit.
What would bother me, is if any of the social workers came in here, but hopefully Craig’s remark – which is simply a new version of my own words – will keep them away for at least 5 minutes.

“I know you saw me. When I got home.” I frown down at his thumb, but quickly put the pieces of the puzzle together.

He thinks I saw him when the police brought him home – not downtown.

“I could tell by the way you were acting at dinner. And I totally understand you! I screwed up and you were disappointed. I know that you’re mad at me for letting you down like that. But I’m glad I didn’t see you.” He squeezes my hand tightly, but quickly lets it go again.
“I’ve seen my mom’s look of disappointment so many times, and even though they hurt equally as much every time, then I don’t know if I’d be able to handle your eyes. I know I’ve hurt you, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle seeing that in you.”
I look up at him, but he’s not looking at me. He’s pouting, and I can tell that he’ll cry soon if I don’t tell him that it’s not all his fault.

“I’m not mad at you.” His lower lip quivers, and he sucks it in between his teeth to stop it.
“I’m not even sure that I’m disappointed in you.” I look down at our hands. Gerard’s thumb has stopped, so I turn out hands around so that I’m holding his. I hold onto his fingertips as I start stroking his knuckles and his long, slender fingers with my own, short, chubby thumb. In some odd way, our hands fit together. It’s so easy to relax in his and so easy to hold on to his.
“I’m not. I should’ve noticed you were feeling down. I should be able to pick up on that, but I didn’t and I let you down. I let you fall back into your old habits, because I was too caught up in my own problems. I’ve been too focused on myself and my own shit that I’ve forgot to look out for you.”

“Frank.”

“Yeah, it hurt me when I saw you on that street, but it hurt me even more to know that I caused that.”

“You saw me?” he interrupts loudly. The desperation and panic in his voice makes me want to take it back. It makes me wish I really had run so fast that I didn’t see what I saw. But I did. And I want to be honest with him – more than anything else.
“I’m so,” he hiccups, “sorry.” I tighten my hold on his fingers and stroke his knuckles firmly. I quickly bring it up to my lips to kiss it. I feel Gerard flinch at the touch, but he doesn’t pull away.
“You didn’t cause it. You didn’t. I did. All you ever did was postpone the inevitable.” I let our joined hands drop down between us, before I look up at him. His eyes meet mine. His are shining.

“I may not have caused it, but I didn’t do anything to prevent it either.” The thought of what I’m about to say stabs me in the heart and tears quickly reach the brim of my eyes. I stare into Gerard’s glimmering eyes and hold his hand firmly. He squeezes back, and even though my bones are crunching, I don’t want him to stop. I want him in my arms, but I can’t risk us getting caught.
“I forgot you.”
Within a second, Gerard’s arms are around me. He pulls me away from the wall and into his arms, where he holds me so tightly that I forget anything but him. His arms are so soft, warm and comforting and I can hear and feel his heart beating against my chest.

“You never forgot me,” he whispers into my hair and holds me tighter. I fist his t-shirt, feeling his firm belly and slender sides beneath the fabric.
“I know you didn’t. You’ve always been there for me.” His warm breath hits the top of my head and it makes me melt into his arms even more.
“You were there for me last night. I never asked you to, but you were. You didn’t leave me.” He kisses the top of my head.
“I know you never did and never will forget me. Ever,” he says and squeezes me tighter once.

My tears are gone. I can see our image in the mirror clearly. I smile, as I look at Gerard and how his face is buried in my hair. I glance down at myself quickly, before I close my eyes.

We look good together.
We fit.

Even though I wish I didn’t, I hear it. The door opens, but neither of us have the will or strength to pull away from each other. I open my eyes and look into the mirror, only to see the guy from court frowning at us.