Look Away

Nick sweeps the hair from his eyes and presses his forehead to his open palms, elbows on his knees. His mother is next to him, silent and still and Nick can feel the disappointment rolling off of her in waves, and his dad is across the room, standing stiffly and staring out a window. Julie’s parents are sitting across from him, hands clasped and faces scrunched up in worry and concern and that same disappointment.

Nick feels like he’s going to choke on it.

A nurse leads Julie into the small waiting room, helps her sit down. She looks dazed and Nick isn’t sure if that is good or bad but he’s willing to bet it’s the latter. The nurse, stress lines at her brow and around her eyes and mouth, sighs heavily. “Congratulations, Mr. Jonas. You’re going to be a dad.”

All Nick wants to do was throw up. Instead he nods and reaches over to take Julie’s hand. “What do you want to do?”

Julie shakes her head helplessly. “I don’t want it. I don’t want it, I don’t want it.”

Nick doesn’t know what to say, what to think. He sits in silence until his mom pulls him to his feet and leads him out of the hospital. Nick can hear his dad behind them, talking to Julie’s parents.

“We’ll call you. Figure this out.”

The car ride home is silent and Nick rushes inside eagerly. Kevin’s watching TV, doesn’t twitch when Nick appears. He stares determinedly at the screen, jaw tight with anger. Joe rushes down the stairs, nearly tripping over his feet in his haste, but freezes up on the last step. He looks at Nick, grinning and hopeful.

Nick feels sick because Joe knows, like Kevin knows, but Joe is different. Joe pretends he doesn’t see, pretends he doesn’t know, and holds out hope that he can keep pretending. Nick’s an asshole who’s about to break his brother’s heart.

He forces a smile. “Dude. I’m gonna be a dad.”

Joe’s face crumbles, betrayal, pain, and disbelief apparent and cutting Nick to the core. Kevin shoves past Nick to catch Joe as he falls and leads him back upstairs.

Julie goes away, after that, and Nick doesn’t see her again for close to a year. Nick’s parents start looking into adoption, mentioning how they want another baby around town. They find the perfect child and bring him home.

And that’s how Franklin Nathaniel Jonas joins the family, when Nick is barely sixteen and scared and Kevin’s talking about moving out and Joe just isn’t really talking.

In a blink of an eye, Frankie (as Nick immediately starts calling him) becomes Nick’s entire world.

Instead of playing video games with Joe, Nick changes Frankie’s diaper or feeds him a bottle or sings him to sleep or just sits and plays for hours. Joe eventually gives up and Nick doesn’t even notice.

He does notice, though, when Kevin moves out and Joe goes with him.

It hurts, it aches, the loss of Joe and Kevin but Nick has Frankie and Frankie becomes his everything. Nick eats, sleeps, and breaths for Frankie.

At three months old, Frankie is already holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. What a big burden for such a little person. Nick feels almost guilty, almost.

Frankie grows and Joe stays away, even when Kevin comes back to visit nearly every weekend because Kevin is just like that. Kevin pretends everything is okay, smiles for their mother and doesn’t so much as speak to Nick. He fusses over Frankie and Nick shoots him glares because Kevin knows, Kevin knows, and yet he still picks Frankie up with a smile and a, “How’s my baby brother?”

Frankie’s first word is Ba. Nick’s pretty sure he means bottle, because Frankie’s always hungry and he’s a pretty chunky kid, not that Nick’s all too concerned by it. He’s seen his own baby pictures; they were all chunky babies.

His second word is Mama and his third word is Dada and Nick flinches every time he says it, chubby little arms reaching desperate and hoping for Paul who always turns away. Nick picks him up instead, kisses his cheek and whispers, “I’ve got you” into his hair. Frankie’s fingers curl into his shirt and cling, he presses his face into Nick’s shoulder and cries. Nick pats his butt and sings and wishes there was a way for Frankie to understand.

Frankie’s fourth word is Nee and he stops calling out Dada and reaches immediately for Nick instead.

Frankie never stops calling him Nee and he grows up calling his supposed father Paul.

Nick does his damndest to give Frankie everything. Nick works hard and saves up money to buy him a big kid bed that’s shaped like a racecar when Frankie’s two and a guitar when he’s three so that maybe the kid’ll stop messing with Nick’s favorite Gibson and anything and everything he ever asks for and half the things he doesn’t.

His days are spent teaching Frankie. First, it’s how to talk and walk and what the potty’s for. Later, it’s the alphabet and how to count to ten and how to read and how to write. Frankie’s one smart cookie.

Joe starts coming over with Kevin when Frankie’s about three. Like Kevin, he all but ignores Nick but he’s pleasant with Frankie. He teaches him dirty jokes and Frankie starts picking up words that has every adult around them frown at Nick like it’s all his fault.

Nick tries not to notice the way Kevin lets his hand linger in the small of Joe’s back of that Joe likes to stay as close to Kevin as possible. He tries not to, but he does and it makes his chest ache like it’s been torn open and his heart ripped out, leaving nothing but empty darkness.

Frankie runs up to him, arms extended and grin wide, “Nee! Nee, pick up.”

“Say please,” Nick says automatically, even as he’s hefting Frankie up onto his hip. He kisses Frankie’s soft hair and rests his cheek against the light chestnut locks. Frankie laughs and presses his face into Nick’s curls and makes tiny little gibberish sounds he hasn’t really grown out of.

Nick’s lost his brothers, he knows that. They’re gone forever, created something secure and special between the two of them and there’s no room for Nick anymore. Nick’s got Frankie and he reminds himself that that’s all he needs, but he doesn’t really believe it anymore.

Frankie rests his head on Nick’s shoulders, fingers of one hand curling into Nick’s jacket, and sticks his thumb in his mouth. He mumbles around it, “Un’le Joey and Un’le Ke’in goin bye-bye.”

Nick looks out the window, watches Joe laugh as he slings an arm around Kevin’s shoulders for a moment. Kevin grins and kisses Joe quick before he pulls away to climb into his car. Joe slides over the hood to get into the passenger seat.

Nick looks away.