I wanna touch you.

“Slut.” The insult was hurtled towards me like an angry wasp that had just been released from a shaken bag. Unfortunately the wasp had lost its sting a long time ago and it bounced off me with not so much as a flicker of hurt.

“What’s her problem?” I mumbled, glaring at the retreating back of Molly Baker. My head was killing in the familiar numbing way a hangover usually has.

“Well, you did sleep with her boyfriend...” My best friend Mia Ainsworth replied absentmindedly. Her nail bitten fingers flipped through her bright orange journal, writing down the number of calories in her sandwich. So much for her consoling me.

“Irrelevant!” I shrieked. “Anyway, that was like four months ago. You’d think she’d be over it by now.”

“Yeah, how dare she still be upset?!” Mia retorted sarcastically, a grin apparent on her full, pink lips. I shoved her slightly and a light giggle erupted from her.

“Ah, my head!” I moaned, clutching it with my hands.

“That’s what you get for drinking on a school night.” She told me wisely. “Do you think the ham and cheese sandwich has more calories than the egg one? It doesn’t say anything on this label...”

“Who knows?” I sighed. “And more importantly, who cares?”

“I do. I don’t want to get fat...” I zoned out as Mia began to blabber on about fat content and calorie intake. For a best friend she was as good as they come, well for me anyway. Her loyalty and dodgy friends constantly made sure we got into bars although we were two years under age. I was the first person she told when she hears gossip- which usually involved me. However, she wasn’t the smartest bulb in the world but that was okay. I’m pretty sure I’m failing most of my classes.

“Candy Ashby!”

“Yes, Mr...” Damn, I always forgot his name however my English teacher’s voice was permanently embedded into my brain forever. One could never forget the rough croak caused by twenty years of smoking cigars.

“A word?” He asked appearing in my line of view.

“Now?” I retorted in a pained voice. “It’s lunch. Can’t you see I’m eating?” He looked incredulously at my half eaten apple slowly browning on my plate. When I’m hung over I can never stomach a full meal.

“It’s important.” He said slowly through gritted teeth. “It’s about your grades.” Ah, I thought this would happen soon.

“Well can’t you just tell me now?” I pleaded already bored with the whole thing. “I really don’t care about Mia knowing. I tell her everything anyway.”

He sighed exasperatedly but sat on the chair opposite anyway. “You’re failing English.” He informed me, a sour look on his face. I nodded; most of my attention was focused on watching Mia pull apart her sandwich. She can’t honestly believe that if you break something into smaller pieces you won’t gain as much weight.

“Don’t you care?” He questioned, staring hard at me. I shrugged half heartedly.
“It won’t change anything if I did. I’d still be failing.”

“For God’s Sake!” He suddenly exploded. A few droplets of spit flew out of his mouth and I tried to conceal a disgusted expression. “It’s this sort of attitude that will hold you back in life.”

“Yeah?” I so wasn’t interested in his lectures.

“Yes, and that’s why you’re failing.”

“Who’d have thought it, eh?” I said dramatically. Mia sniggered beside me and Mr what’s-his-face looked like her was going to explode any minute.

“The new project starts today and I’ve already chosen your partner-“

“If it’s that fat kid who sits in the back of the class and always smells of B.O, you can think again.” I interrupted him. He sighed angrily, his small round glasses steaming up.

“If you are referring to Mr Jackson, then no I haven’t. However, due to your bad grades, I’m afraid you don’t get a say in who I partner you with.”

“I could just not do the project.” I retorted, a smug grin on my face. He couldn’t force me to do anything; he wasn’t the boss of me.

“Miss Ashby, if you refuse to this project, I will phone your parents. I’m sure they’d be very interested in how you crawl into school an hour late, smelling of alcohol with those...” He gestured towards his flabby, wrinkly neck with a disgusted look plastered on his face. “Marks all over your neck.” I instinctively pulled the collar of my shirt up to hide my obvious hickeys.

He had me. I couldn’t refuse him when he had threatened that. “Fine.” I hissed. “Who is it anyway?”

“Ryan Kelley- skinny kid who sits at the back.” I racked my brain until I could conjure up a fuzzy image of who he was talking about. Ryan Kelley; less of the skinny, more of the weedy.

“Him?!” I almost shrieked. Then a brain wave hit me. He was bound to be smart, that meant an easy A for me. I could feel a small, smug grin overtake my lips. “Okay, whatever.”

“I’ll be explaining the project in lesson so you better turn up.” He said walking away so I didn’t have chance to reply. I groaned loudly and tossed my half eaten apple behind me hoping to hit someone I didn’t like, or who didn’t like me; which was basically everyone apart from Mia.

She smirked and I flicked a piece of her sandwich at her. “Hey, don’t take it out on me.” She squealed. “It’s not my fault you got paired with a-“She leant forward as if saying a dirty word, “Geek.” She whispered. I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, but at least he’d do most of the work.” I said repeating my earlier thought.

“But you will have to go to his house. Or he’d go to yours.” A grin lit up her undeniably pretty features.

“There’s no way he’s stepping a foot inside my house.” I laughed.

“Or he might have heard about your reputation and think he might get laid.” She continued. I pulled a face and something stabbed me in the stomach; hurt maybe?

“I don’t screw just anybody.” I tried to defend myself.

“No just most people.” She retorted. A wave of sickness suddenly washed through me. I could take other people making fun of my “reputation” but not Mia. I didn’t say anything though. I simply let it slide.

“Come on.” I said standing up. “I think we’ve got time for a ciggie before the bell goes. I’ve decided I’d rather not risk turning up late to Mr Blobby’s lesson.” I muttered, referring to my English teacher who I have decided I hate with a passion.

“You better watch you don’t turn into a teachers pet.” She warned a sly smile appearing on her lip gloss covered lips. “Next you will be sleeping with the teachers to get better grades.” I shoved her in the back and she squealed in amusement.

“As if!” I scoffed, linking arms with her and heading towards the back of the school field.

***

I reached the classroom just as the bell rang; its loud chimes vibrating through the empty school halls. The teacher raised his eyebrows and pinched his nostrils when he smelt cigarette smoke but didn’t press the subject.

I scanned the classroom, looking for that Ryan kid. May as well sit with him now; I would only be moved later on if I didn’t. I spotted him sat at the back and flicking through a book. There was an empty chair next to him and I made my way over.

“Hi.” I said, causing him to jump and drop his book. He looked at me with confusion in his eyes. I rolled my own. “We’re partners for this project thing.”

“He hasn’t even read them out yet.” He said, watching with horror as I sat beside him.

“I’m psychic.” I muttered. His face flushed and he sat back uncomfortably as if on edge. I sighed and slouched on my chair. He wasn’t as bad looking as I imagined him to be. I mean I wasn’t desperate enough to shag him but he didn’t totally repulse me. He wasn’t affected my serious acne that would make him look like one giant spot ready to explode. He didn’t stink badly of body odour that left me gagging for oxygen. Things weren’t as bad as they could have been.

His hair was a shade of dirty blonde and it rested flatly against his head. His skin was rather pale and he had a strong jaw bone. The shirt with the unfunny phrase he was wearing hung over his gangly frame. I could tell he was really tall and awkward with it too.

“Okay, pay attention now!” I looked at Ryan’s book and discovered my English teachers name was Mr Harold. I think I much prefer Mr Blobby. “This year’s project is going to be a little different from previous years.” It still won’t make it less boring.

“Seeing as though we are studying plays, the drama team have decided that it will be really fun if the students wrote the play they will be performing at the end of the year.” A series of groans and excited banter suddenly erupted. He shushed us before continuing. “I have put you all into partners and you will be expected to work together as a team to write a play with meaning, and a good plot.”

“Of course you are not expected to write anything vulgar or obscene.” He glared at the class jokers at the front and they all laughed and nudged each other appreciatively. The sickness I felt earlier came back when I realised I’ve seen at least two of those boys naked.

“What is the point of this?” Someone asked. I sniggered quietly for the first time that lesson.

“The point is-“He glared at the person who asked the question. “You develop your imagination and will learn some important skills. Plus the partners who write the best play will win a voucher for £50.” Excited murmurs filled the room once again but this time Mr Harold looked smug. Whatever; I had stolen over £50 from my Dads wallet in the last month. Not that he had noticed.

“Now the partners are, and these are non negotiable...”

I turned to look at Ryan. He still hadn’t budged and it looked like I wasn’t going to get eye contact anytime soon. “So” I said. He glanced at me, then back to his book. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Erm, well, er, yes.” He suddenly glared at me. A small smirk found its way to my lips.

“Aw, that’s sweet. So I’m coming to your house right? I mean to do this play thing...”

“I have a girlfriend, you know.” He said sharply. I blinked at him in surprise.

“Um, yay for you?”

“Yes. I’ve heard what you do to boys.” Okay, this kid was just hysterical.

“What I do to boys?” I repeated amused.

“Yeah, you make them cheat on their girlfriends. You’ve done it to Luke, Josh, and Harry...”

“Oh, so it was entirely my fault? I tied them down to a bed and they screamed and begged me not to seduce them because they are so in love with their precious girlfriend...” I trailed off glaring at him. The way he spoke about me was like I was a siren, tempting boys with my voice or something.

He narrowed his grey coloured eyes at me. “Whatever.” I muttered tossing my brightly coloured hair back. “But just so you know, I so didn’t want to be partnered with you.”

***

As I predicted, there was no one home when I arrived. I threw my keys onto the table and thumbed through the letters that were scattered along the floor. I sighed irritably and let them fall again; all there were was bills, letters from lawyers and other important stuff that didn’t interest me.

I dragged myself to my bedroom and threw my school made on my unmade bed. My floor was littered with dirty clothes, cigarette boxes and half empty bottles of vodka. Small, pretty packets of pills decorated my dressing table and the air in my room still stunk of weed from the other night.

I wasn’t worried that my might parents find out what I got up to; they were too busy hating each other to pay attention to me anymore. Maybe that’s why I did the stuff I did? I rummaged through my bag and pulled my phone out, dialling Mia’s number.

“Hello?” She answered, sounding bored.

“I wanna go out.” I told her. “I wanna get drunk and high and forget my name.”

“Whoa, slow down.” She laughed. It was a nice sound, much better than when she’s laughing at me. “You’re gonna get liver damage the way you’re going.”

“Who cares?” I asked. “Maybe then my parents will pay attention to me. You know, when I’m dying and attached to a machine.”

“Candy, they barely noticed when you dyed your hair bright purple.”

“Yeah, I know. I was thinking of getting my lip pierced but then I thought it might get infected...”

“Yeah, and they look gross.” She added dampening my enthusiasm. I happened to think they looked quite cool.

“So are we going out or what?” I snapped, suddenly annoyed at her.

“There’s an offer on drinks at that club we went to the other week; The Scarlet?”

“Cool, let’s go there. I’ll be at yours around eight.” Then I hung up. My house sounded unbearably quiet so I switched my radio on. This week’s top forty came on and I sighed heavily. There was still four hours until I had to be at Mia’s so I started my usual routine to pass the time.

**

A loud giggle erupted from my mouth as I danced around the room in nothing but my underwear. My nails were painted, I had showered and redone the roots on my hair and shaved my legs. I had also stolen a bottle of vodka from my Mothers stash which she didn’t know I knew she had. The alcohol burnt my throat but I added coke and it tasted fine.

I plugged my hair straightner’s in and started kicking my washing around, looking for something suitable to wear. I used to be able to get into clubs just fine but since I had dyed my hair purple, I looked younger. Not many adults have wildly coloured hair.

I caught a glimpse of a black dress I wore out the other week. I had forgotten to put it in the wash but a quick sniff reassured me that it didn’t smell of sweat or vomit. I tugged the garment over my head and quickly assessed myself in the mirror.

I looked older, at least nineteen. The dress clung to my curves and was low cut so it showed a fair amount of cleavage. The hem line stopped halfway along my thigh and if I bent over, it would show a lot more. I was satisfied. Besides with my fake I.D and the fact most clubs just see a bag of money on legs and not an underage girl would surely get me into any club I wanted.

I took my time styling my hair and applying my make up. I was happy with the final result; I didn’t look like a stupid schoolgirl anymore. I looked grown up, an adult. I looked mysterious with my dark eyes and the small knowing smile that never left my lips. I looked fun with my rebellious hair. I had to admit, I looked good.

To finish off, I popped a couple of condoms in my bag and then headed into my Mothers bedroom. She always keeps her money in pot behind this photo frame. I pulled out a twenty pound note and put the pot back. She would never know.

I waited for Mia on her corner. A cigarette hung out of my mouth as she approached me frowning. “What’s up?” I asked, handing it to her so she could take a drag.

“My mum’s getting suspicious.” She told me, inhaling deeply. The smoke evaporated into the cool night air. “She’s always asking me why I come home smelling of smoke and she found an empty bottle of booze under my bed.” She suddenly let out a strangled screech. “I just wished she’d leave me alone. I don’t ask her what she’s doing all the time. It’s my life not hers. You’re so lucky your parents don’t care what you do.” Yeah, so lucky.

“What did you tell her tonight?” I asked, ignoring her last comment.

“I said we were going to a friend’s sweet sixteenth then I’m staying at yours. I’m still allowed to stay at yours right?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Good.” She breathed. “Honestly, you’d think she was born in the Stone Age the way she carries on. “Why have you got to wear a skirt so short? Do you have any self respect?””

“Yeah, it sucks.” I agreed, not really paying attention. The walk to The Scarlet wasn’t that far, and we there in fifteen minutes. I smiled back at all the boys who smiled at me and joined the queue to get in. I never hold my breath or get nervous as we approach the front. The bouncers can smell fear like a shark smells blood.

Instead I smiled seductively at them and they grinned back appreciatively, not being able to keep their eyes off my legs or my front. Mia uses the same tactics as me and it usually works. It did tonight. We got let in without any trouble at all. I wondered if they knew they probably had daughters the same age as us. “I’ll get the first round!” I yelled into her ear; the effects of the booze I drank earlier were starting to wear off. She nodded and handed me her bag so she could go and pee.

I ordered two vodka and cokes and drank both mine and Mia’s. I ordered another two and Mia was none the wiser when she got back to me. “Let’s go dance!” I slurred. I dragged her onto the dance floor and we immediately felt every guy’s pair of eyes on us. I smirked to myself. Every male in this room wanted me whether they had a girlfriend or not.

I soon caught the eye of a cute blonde guy. He was stood with his friends and made no attempt to hide the fact he was blatantly staring at me. I licked my lips and he whispered something to his friend before walking over to me.

“Hi.” He shouted over the music. “I’m David.” I looked “David” up and down. He was exactly my type; light blonde hair that had been styled with care and deep blue eyes. His shirt hung tightly over his huge muscles and he had the typical “sports guy” look.

I didn’t tell him my name, not yet. We both know this game and we were playing it right now. I shrugged as if I couldn’t care what his name was. He grinned back with determination. Oh, these sports guy types never give up without a fight. “Do you want to dance?” He asked.

“I’m already dancing.” I retorted. He smirked and pulled me closely to him anyway. I didn’t fight him off. We stayed like that for the next ten minutes and I learnt all sorts of things about him like the way he smelt and the way his hands felt on my ass.

“What’s your name?” He whispered into my ear, his hot breath tickling my neck. Mia had disappeared a long time ago with her own “David”.

“Candy.” I replied. I knew what he was going to say next because they always say it.

“I bet you taste sweet then.” Then he kissed me. His hot lips moved against my dry ones and that familiar sickness started again. I chose to ignore it and allowed him to pull me closer. “Wanna head outside for some fresh air?” I knew that line too and I knew what followed it. I nodded and he took me by the hand and dragged me through the mass of grinding bodies.

The air outside was freezing and I barely had time to mention this because David was kissing me again. I responded trying not to notice the smell of the overflowing garbage and the drunk vomiting a few feet away.

He pushed me against the wall and the rough bricks cut into my back. I didn’t tell him this though. He moved his lips to my neck and brushed his fingers up my thigh. “You got anything?” He murmured. I nodded.

“In my bag.” He let go of me and began to rummage through my bag which had been discarded to the floor. Once he found what he was looking for he began to unzip himself. I turned away; I never liked looking at them. They were all so ugly.

He pressed his body against me again and lifted my dress up before tugging my pants down. I squeezed my eyes shut as he thrust himself into me and that reoccurring sickness returned.

I swallowed down the bile that had risen in my throat and tried to ignore the pain in my back as he groaned and bit my neck harshly. I knew that he loved me because sex is love even if it only last for a few minutes. He loved the softness of my skin and the smell of my hair was driving him wild. He wanted me and knew I existed and for a few minutes I was his entire world.

I glanced up at the sky as he continued pushing himself into me. The moon seemed to be smiling and the stars winked at me knowingly. The noises coming out of his mouth told me it would be over soon and he would never love me like he did tonight ever again.

A grunt sounded from him and he pulled himself out before tucking himself in again. I smoothed my dress down and tidied my hair. The bite marks on my neck were sore and hurting. “You were good.” He informed me as if it were the greatest compliment anyone could receive. He pressed a hard kiss against my lips; it felt like I was being hit in the face by a wet fish.

“Well, I’ll see you later Candy.” He said and headed back into the club. It was a statement not a question; he would never see me again.

I sank down onto the floor and loud sobs erupted from my lips. The drunken guy had passed out and was laying a few feet away from me. And this is the part in the game when I realise once again that all love is bullshit. It doesn’t exist.