I wanna touch you.

“Whoa.” I slurred the word as my feet didn’t go where they were supposed to go. I felt someone’s sweaty hands grip me around the waist. Their alcohol scented breathe came into contact with my ear.

“Steady.” A male voice whispered, brushing his lips up against my cheek. I shrugged him off not enjoying the contact at all. I saw Mia watching me across the room with wide eyes. I guess she’d never seen me turn down someone before; especially as the guy was quite cute.

I couldn’t help it though. Even though I was drunk, whenever someone touched me I felt repulsed. My skin crawled and I wanted to claw the feeling of contact off my body. The feeling was new and I hated it. I hated not being in control of my emotions. That was why I had hit the booze. However, it was a Friday night and I was a teenage girl. Surely it was expected of me to be partying.

Love screws everything up. It makes you sick- literally. I had headaches from trying to keep my mind off a certain brown eyed boy. My hands got sweaty sometimes which was gross. My stomach churned and made me want to puke up whatever I had eaten that morning.

I kept on dreaming about him and I didn’t know why. He wasn’t my type at all. It wasn’t like I was fantasising about having sex with him or anything. It was just one scene replaying in my head over and over again. His way he smiled at me like I was the most special person in the world all because I helped fix his stupid cup. The way his eyes made him look younger than what he was because they weren’t tainted with cigarettes or drinking or anything I did.

I wasn’t in love with him; it was just a stupid crush so I had no idea why I was being this pathetic. He said he liked to fix broken things. Well I was broken alright. I had been snapped right into little pieces and was lying in his hand waiting for him to use me however he wanted. He could try and glue me back together or just throw me out the trash. The latter is were I belonged.

I sighed and took a swig out of my bottle. The contents burnt my throat but I didn’t care. I was already drunk but I wanted to get so bad I couldn’t remember my own name. I sauntered up to Mia who was sat on her boyfriend’s knee. She giggled as I approached her and even wolf whistled. Yep, Mia was about as drunk as me. I felt sorry for whoever had to clean her puke up in the morning. Mia never was good with hangovers.

“Hey.” I said, nearly tripping over someone’s feet. They should move when they see me coming. “This stuff is gross.” I handed her my bottle and she sniffed it as if it contained piss or something. “I don’t get why I drink because I don’t even like the taste of alcohol.” I shrugged my shoulders and must have pulled a confused face because Mia laughed and reached forward to smooth the creases in my fore head.

“It gives you wrinkles.” She said seriously. So seriously that I burst into laughter and didn’t stop until tears ran down my face. Simon looked uncomfortable and Mia just frowned so it looked like she only had one eyebrow.

“I wanna go outside.” I said. “I wanna dance in the rain.” I flung my arms out and nearly hit someone in the face.

“But,” Mia started. “Candy, it isn’t raining.”

“Oh well, let’s go out anyway. This party is full of losers.”

“Hey.” Simon butted in. “These are my friends you’re talking about.” I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard him say. Yes, this was his friend’s party but it only proved that they were losers. They had to be to hang out with Simon. He turned away to murmur something in someone else’s ear. I stuck my tongue out at his back and Mia giggled.

“Are you coming or what?” I asked her holding out my hand. She clumsily grabbed it before trying to haul herself up. She stumbled a little and Simon grabbed her backside to steady her though I could see by his smirk that he was playing up to an audience.

“You two...” He sighed but he didn’t finish his sentence which I didn’t really get. Mia managed to stand up straight without falling over but she ended up spilling my drink instead. She took my hand and we both stumbled outside into the cool night air.

Even though it was still spring, it wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be. Or maybe because I’m drunk I didn’t really take notice of those sorts of things anyway. There was only a slice of the moon left to see because it was covered with clouds and only two stars specked the night sky. “Let’s go for a walk.” I suggested and set off before Simon’s groans of protest started. Mia followed me anyway seeing as though I still had hold of her hand.

For some reason the streets started to look familiar and I felt my feet follow a path they have been down a couple of times before. Mia was babbling on about different drinks but I don’t think anyone was really paying attention to her.

“We’re missing the party because of this.” Simon growled. I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t think the parties missing you. Shut up.” I replied. He mumbled something back but I couldn’t make out what it was. It sounded a lot like “slut” though. I think drink brought out the nasty side in Simon.

“Where are we going Candy?” Mia asked breaking the tension between me and her boyfriend. I paused at the corner and looked down the empty road. Everyone was probably asleep or something.

“Jem lives there.” I said pointing the house with bush at the side of the door and the hedge perfectly trimmed.

“Who’s Jem?”

I turned to face her and smiled before enveloping her in a hug. “He’s so beautiful, Mia.” I gushed. She smirked which I didn’t really like.

“So that’s why you didn’t go for that guy earlier. You’ve been saving yourself for this guy.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Is he any good?” I pierced my lips today which she took as a yes. However, it really meant I was refraining from shouting at her.

“I’m going to go and say hi.” I told them. “You can go now.”

“You’ll have to tell me about it later.” She said. I nodded my head but there was no chance I would discuss Jem with her. I don’t think she would understand why I liked him. Even I didn’t understand.

They both walked away and I waited until I could no longer see them before I stumbled over to Jem’s house. I should have had alarm bells or something going off in my head, warning me that this was not a good idea. It was early hours of the morning and all the lights in his house were out. I knew that Jem would be by himself because Ryan had mentioned going away with his parents for the weekend and Jem was staying behind to housesit.

Common sense had deserted me and I found myself at the front door. The fire in my stomach burned with anticipation and I gently tapped on the door. I waited for about thirty seconds before impatience got the better of me and I curled my fist up and pounded instead.

A light from upstairs came on and I saw a curtain twitch. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy now as I realised he was coming downstairs. The light in the hallway flickered on and a dark figure approached the door. The sound of a key in a lock was heard before the door opened revealing a sleepy eyed Jem.

“Candy? What are you doing?”

I smiled sexily at him though I probably didn’t look sexy and leant against the wall. However, I must have totally misjudged the distance because I didn’t land against the wall at all instead I fell into the bush. I giggled stupidly whilst trying to tug my skirt down so it covered my underwear. I heard Jem sigh.

“Are you drunk?” His voice was stern like my fathers when he’s annoyed at me. It only amused me more.

“Maybe.” I tried twice to get up. I could feel twigs scratching me and becoming tangled up in my hair. I looked pleadingly at Jem. “Can I have a little help please?” I held out my hand expectantly. He looked at it for a moment before slowly taking hold of it.

Only once I took hold of it did I feel how cold it was outside. Jem’s hand was so warm it gave me goose bumps on my arm, though I could argue that they were from actually touching him. I was having actual physical contact with him. I was going to make the most out of the moment and remember every single detail. His hands were rough against mine but when I reached out my other hand to rub against the back of his, I realised that that bit of skin was soft.

Once he had hauled me up, he hastily snatched himself away from me. “Do you know what time it is?” He sounded angry. I shrugged.

“I don’t know; late or early? Depends on how you look at it.” He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair.

“You better come inside, it’s freezing out here.” He scanned my face for a couple of seconds before heading back inside his house. I followed him and gladly let the warmth caress me. Only inside did I realise how stunning Jem actually looked. I’ve always had a theory that you can tell who truly is beautiful by the way they look after crying or after they’ve just woken up. If you look good then, you can look good any time.

Jem’s hair was even more tangled than what it usually is. His eyes were crusted up from sleep but still they shined bright. Even under the harsh artificial lighting, his tanned skin looked so tasty and inviting. I could feel myself moving closer to him.

“What did you want, Candy?” He asked, stepping back.

I grinned at him. “I came to have sex with you.” I had never seen someone looked so scared in my life.

“Candy!” He tried to sound firm but failed. His voice cracked. I backed him up against the wall and placed my hands on his hips. “Candy stop it.”

“But...”

“But, nothing.” I leaned in towards him and pressed my cheek against his chest. He was wearing pyjama bottoms and a black t shirt he normally wears. I had never seen somebody look so cute.

“Why not?” I sounded pathetic and whiny. I had ever experienced someone turning me down before.

“There are many reasons. One, you are very, very drunk. Two, you are my little brother’s friend.”

I pulled away from him. “You make it sound like I’m ten or something. I’m sixteen, I’m legal now. You can look it up.” I swear I saw the hint of a smile form on those pink lips. He shook his head.

“Still not gonna happen. In the morning it will be different.”

“I’m still gonna want you.” I disagreed. “I think you’re gorgeous. The only difference is when I’m sober; I have more control of myself.”

“I can tell.” He said. “Look, I’m gonna ring someone to come pick you up-“

“No! You can’t, my mum will kill me. Can I just stay here? Please?” I begged. He frowned before throwing his arms up into the air.

“Fine.” He walked past me and started stomping up the stairs. I followed up behind him getting a good view of his backside (though I wouldn’t ever tell him this). We walked past his parent’s room and Ryan’s room.

“Am I sleeping in your room?” I asked hopefully.

“Yes, I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“You can sleep with me if you want. I don’t mind.”

He chuckled under his breath. “You don’t give up do you?”

“Nope.” He opened his door and I stepped inside. “It’s wonderful.” I gushed. He laughed out loud this time.

“I haven’t switched on the light yet.” He flicked it on and I was met with walls covered in paintings, hundreds of unfinished pots covering his desks and an unmade bed.

“Have you got something I can sleep in?” I asked. He opened a draw and through me a t shirt and some shorts. I left the shorts and breathed in the scent of the shirt. Jem looked at me in an odd way and averted his eyes as I suddenly pulled my top over my head. I let my skirt fall to the floor and pulled Jem’s t shirt on. It was big for me and hung mid-thigh.

“Thanks.” I said, sliding into his bed. He stood by the doorway awkwardly and I tapped a space next to me.

“No thanks.” He replied. I frowned.

“Do I repulse you or something?”

“No.”

“Then why do you get all weird when I try to touch you and stuff?” I was nearly crying. Aw, this was just great.

“It’s not you. I’m like it with everyone.”

“But why?” I pressed on. He opened his mouth to answer me but hesitated. “I won’t remember it tomorrow, I promise.” He smiled sadly at me.

“When I was sixteen, I was really fat. I was disgusting.”

“You could never be disgusting.” I interrupted. He bent over to reach into a draw and pulled out a photo frame. He handed it to me and I examined it. He was bigger than what he was now but he wasn’t to the point where he was unhealthy. It just looked like puppy fat. His face was rounder and his hair was shorter but his eyes where exactly the same, if they held more emotion in them. “You look fine.” I said, giving it back to him.

“That’s not what people at school thought. I guess every year group needs someone to pick and I was that person. It didn’t really bother me because I learned to detach myself from them. But one day, Sophie, she was the most popular girl in school, she started talking to me. I was quite mean to her at first, because she had always been mean to me. For some reason though, she started complimenting my art work. I didn’t trust her one little bit but she carried on acting all sweet to me. I guess I let my guard down with her because she asked if I wanted to hang out and I said yes.”

I could already see where this story was going. Bits of conversations I had with Ryan came back to me.

“We kept on seeing each other outside of school and I guess somewhere along the line we ended up dating. She didn’t want anyone at school to know and I could see why. I wasn’t going to force her to come clean to everyone about us. I was just so smitten that someone as pretty as her wanted to go out with me. After about three months she said she wanted to take it further. We ended up sleeping together- she was my first. I didn’t think it was that bad but the next day at school she ignored me. Everyone around me seemed to be laughing behind my back.”

He stopped and I could see it was getting harder to talk about it.

“It was a dare. She had slept with me for a dare. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but she was my first, you know? Even though we were only together a few months I thought I loved her and I thought she loved me too. Something snapped inside of me and I started taking all their insults to heart. They said I was fat so I believed them. I... I started starving myself to lose weight.” I opened my mouth but he stopped me. “I know it was stupid of me but I couldn’t think of what else to do. Luckily my parents found out before it got too bad and I had counselling for about a year. They told me to take all my frustrations out by making stuff.”

“And this is why Ryan is so protective over you?”

“Probably. He doesn’t want to see me get hurt again and neither do I. That’s why I don’t like people touching me. I feel that if I don’t let people touch me, it stops them from getting too close and that will prevent any chance of me getting hurt. It’s gotten to the point now where I actually can’t stand physical contact- unless it’s from someone like my parents or Ryan.” I rolled my eyes.

“That’s stupid.”

“What?” He blinked a couple of times shocked by what I had just said. I guess I would be too if I had just spilled my heart out to someone and threw it back in my face.

“So, because of one girl, you’re never gonna touch anyone again?”

“I... er...”

“You’re not the only one, you know.”

“Only one who’s what?”

“Who’s been humped and then dumped. Who’s been fucked and then chucked. Who’s been...”

“Okay, I get it. I know I’m not the only one, but-“

I interrupted him. “I was thirteen when I lost my virginity. My boyfriend was sixteen years old. He said if I loved him, I’d do it. What was I suppose to know? I was just a kid...” I didn’t really talk about this to anyone. I could feel my throat closing up as I tried not to cry. “He used me. As soon as I did it, he ended it saying I was a slut if I gave in that easily.”

“Candy...” Jem’s voice tried to soothe me.

“I dealt with it in a different way to you, huh. You don’t touch anyone. I touch everyone.” I laughed but tears ended up spilling out my eyes. I didn’t feel drunk any more. I just felt sad.

“Candy...” He said my name once again and reached towards me. He patted my shoulder briefly before pulling back again. I couldn’t help it, I just burst into laughter. Jem smiled but then laughter found its way to his lips too. I don’t know how long the hysterical giggled lasted for but eventually it died down. My stomach hurt but in a good way. “I’m going back to sleep now.” Jem told me. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to join me again.

He hovered around awkwardly for a few moments before muttering a good night and leaving the room.

"Goodnight beautiful!" I called after him.

I switched the light off and snuggled back down into Jem’s bed covers. They smelt like him. I thought back over what happened tonight and I knew I would be embarrassed when I woke up sober tomorrow. One thing came into my mind just as I drifted off to sleep. Earlier when Jem listed reasons why he wouldn’t sleep with me- one of those wasn’t that he didn’t want me back.