Sunshiner

It was raining when I woke up.

I tried not to feel bad about the prank, I really did. I was the infamously famous, I was the honorable villain; I was the kid that every guy wanted to be and every girl wanted to be with. The Older Kids congratulated me, my team members envied me, and the opposing team hated me – life was supposed to be good. I was supposed to enjoy being the center of attention.

A week had passed and nothing changed. I was still the coolest kid in town. And Candace continued to ignore me. I had only caught glimpses of her during the course of the past week, all of which were fleeting. When I ran into her at the ice cream parlor, she pretended I didn't exist. When I bumped into her on the street, she muttered an "Excuse me" like she didn’t recognize me and then was on her way. I knew that she was purposely trying to avoid me. I didn't know if she was mad or embarrassed or if she thought that I was too much of a scumbag for her to associate with. I hoped it was the latter. That's what I deserved.

This was a new emotion for me, feeling guilty. I had pulled several notorious pranks in the past, but I had been able to laugh all of them off. And so had everyone else. Sure, the prank victims were angry at first, but they eventually got their revenge or just got over it. And I thought that maybe Candace would get over it too, if not soon, then perhaps in a few days. She would probably start talking to me again by the time the week was over, and laugh it off like some silly joke…

But the look on her face…

The shock and hurt on her face was an image that had been ingrained into my memory. Every time I began to think of reasons to justify my prank, every time I talked about how hilarious it had been, that image flashed through my mind and all cheerful thoughts stopped from there. As the sound of the crowd’s cheers as she ran off resounded in my mind, I was reminded that she would not get over this one. She would not laugh it off.

I had never actually thought about my actions before. Like really, truly thought about them. I had never needed to plan ahead, nor did I ever look back and wish that I did something differently. I didn’t care about what I did or how I benefitted or hurt others. I just did. I did without thinking and I did without looking back. I believed that the future was full of surprises, and it was best to just act on a whim and go with whatever life threw at you. I believed that the past was the past, and what was done was done; there was no use in fretting over something I could never change. Therefore I also believed that living in the moment was the only way to truly live. And thus I never gave a second thought to what I did to others.

But now all of that had changed. Now I wished I could go back and stop the prank. I even wished that Candace had pranked me back. If she got even with me, then at least I wouldn’t feel so bad about it. But all I could think about was how idiotic and inconsiderate and rash I had been. Her silence…her silence was terrible. I would have much rather been screamed at and humiliated in front of my friends. And I still couldn’t get the image of the look she gave me out of my mind.

The worst part was that I had moved out of the way. I didn’t try to block any of the eggs. I let it all hit her.

Damn it, Kasey, I swore at myself. You are so fucking stupid.

I had spent the first hour and fifteen minutes of my day just lying in bed, staring out my window and watching the rain plummet down in silver sheets. In Dayton, when it was hot, it was really fucking hot; and when it rained, it really fucking poured. There were no in-between. I knew that most people planned on staying inside for the day, and was probably using their dusty TVs for the first time this summer, so I knew that I had no one to hang out with. I had no one to waste my time with to forget the events of the party night. And that's all I wanted: to forget. I had never dealt with guilt before and all I wanted to do was crumple it up and throw it away like an old piece of paper. But instead it burned inside of me, devouring me from the inside out, until I was entirely consumed about it and all I could think about, day and night, was Candace.

And so I finally decided that I should see her.

In retrospect, I really don't know what made me come to that conclusion. I knew that she wanted nothing to do with me, and I knew I deserved that. Maybe I wanted to see her because I had been sitting in bed for over an hour with nothing to do but stare at the rain, and I had just gotten bored. Or maybe I needed to see Candace's face again because I needed to see her smile or laugh or at least fucking yell at me – that disappointed look she had given me still wouldn't leave my head and I couldn't stand it any longer.

But I didn't waste any time trying to figure this out, nor did I want to. I was suddenly very determined to find her, even though I knew that she would punch me or kick me in the balls or worse. Despite this, I found myself putting on my most comfortable pair of jeans and a ragged sweatshirt with no shirt underneath, and before my mind could even register it I was walking out the door.

"Where are you going, honey?" my mother asked as I passed.

"Out."

I slammed the screen door behind me and I hadn't even hopped down the first step of the porch before my mother had come outside.

"Evan Kasey Ray, where do you think you're going?"

I groaned. Most kids could leave their houses without needing to tell Mommy Dearest where they were heading. I mean, it was Dayton – what kind of trouble can a kid get into? But my mother didn't understand that. She needed to know where I was during every single hour of the day; if I changed my plans, I had to text her so that she would know where to find me. She was afraid that I was going to leave and never come back. I can thank my father for instilling that fear in her.

"I'm going to go find Candace, all right?" I told her.

"I thought you hated that girl," she said.

"I do."

And at that I walked away, pulling my hood over my eyes as I walked through the torrent of rain crashing down from the clouds.

Even though Candace's house was right across the street, I was absolutely soaked by the time I had reached her front door. I rang the doorbell once, twice, and then I heard Louie barking like mad.

"All right, all right, I'm coming," Mrs. Harlow snapped at her golden retriever, and through the narrow window I could see her descending the stairs. When she opened the door to see me standing there, her face went cold. "Oh. Hello, Evan."

"Is Candace around?" I asked in the most polite voice I could muster. I was beginning to shiver violently, and I knew that Mrs. Harlow noticed, but she didn't invite me in.

"No. She's out today." She tried to slam the door but I stuck my foot out and stopped it before it could shut.

"What do you mean she's out?" I asked. "Is she at the ice cream parlor or the Deep Docks or – "

"No," Mrs. Harlow replied curtly. "She's at the doctor. She'll be back later."

"Can you tell her I stopped by?" I asked, but she had already slammed the door in my face.

I let out an aggravated sigh. Why the hell was Candace at the doctor? Unless Mrs. Harlow wasn’t telling the truth...but no, that couldn’t be it. Despite the fact that she was more difficult to read than most people, I could tell that she hadn't lied to me. So then what the hell was going on?

Feeling defeated, I trudged back home and changed out of my wet clothes. I made myself breakfast and then sat down to watch some lame old movie. I forced myself to sit through all two and a half hours of it without thinking about Candace too much.

But as soon as the movie was over I was right back at Candace's doorstep. The rain was as violent as it was before.

"Is she home yet?" I asked as soon as Mrs. Harlow had opened the door.

She hesitated. "Yes," she said slowly, "but she doesn't want to see you."

"Why not?" I demanded, and after receiving a stern glare I immediately wished I hadn't sounded so rude.

"If I remember correctly, last week she came home smelling of filth, and all I recall her saying is that she never wants to see your hideous face again, as she had kindly put it," she stated coldly. "I don't suppose you have anything to do with the fact that my daughter was egged, do you, Evan?"

I suddenly felt very hot and I was aware that my cheeks were burning up. I said nothing and Mrs. Harlow just nodded. She began to shut the door but once again, I stopped her.

"Mrs. Harlow, please," I said, ignoring the nasty look she was giving me. "Please just tell Candace that I'm sorry and I'm going to make it up to her. And you can tell her that I don't care if she wants to see me or not, because eventually she's going to have to come out of her hiding spot sometime. And until then I'm going to be a psycho creep and I'm not going to stop looking for her."

Mrs. Harlow looked startled and I suddenly wished I hadn't called myself a psycho creep.

"So, yeah," I finished weakly, "you can tell her that."

"Why don't you tell her yourself?" she asked, looking less angry with me than she had before, which I found mildly surprising. "As soon as she came home from the doctor, she went right outside again."

"Where did she say she was going?"

"She didn't," she sighed. "Maybe you can try looking for her. Judging by the fact that she left so quickly, I can assume that her doctor's appointment didn't end very well."

I frowned but didn't ask questions. "Thank you, Mrs. Harlow," I said and then turned to leave.

"Evan," she called out sharply, and I turned around. "You be good to her," she said in a solemn voice, her strict demeanor abruptly disappearing. "She's my only daughter and I'm going to make sure she has a good life. I won't let you ruin that."

"Yes, ma'am," I nodded respectfully, trying to hide my confusion. I assumed it was better to just agree with her than to pester her with questions. I turned to leave again.

"Remember, Evan," she said after me as I continued to walk away, "life is a beautiful melody."

"Only the lyrics are fucked up," I muttered under my breath and then stepped into the rain.

But as hard as I looked, I didn't find her that day. I searched the beach, the docks, every single street corner, and even Devil's. But she was gone. And it never stopped raining.