Amor Prohibido.

Have you ever felt like you were breathing underwater?

Like there was this big lump in your throat filled with words you want to say but you can't because you know that the minute you do something bad will happen? Your lungs are burning, wanting air. Your head is filled with sick twisted thoughts you want them all to just go away but you can't because you have this horrible secret half of you wants to just scream it to the world but the other half, the dominate side, keeps quiet.

That's how I feel.

Everyone asks me if I'm okay I nod my head and tell them it's just my blood sugar. When I wake up every day I drag myself to the shower then get dressed before opening the door I take a deep breath put a smile on my face and let everyone think that I'm okay when actually, I'm dead inside.

It's horrible how one secret can eat at you, the guilt of not saying anything of keeping quiet. especially from, him.

But then again I'm the type to suffer in silence.

This time of the year is always bad for me, tour. Joe and I always share a room together it's hard not to look when he's walking around in just boxers I always have to wear pants but the second he strips my pants get slightly tighter.

I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, thinking trying not to look at the most perfect person I have set eyes on who was laying in the bed next to mine.

Why do I have to love him so? He's like cocaine the second I he touchs me or in hail his sweet intoxicating scent I feel numb, all the pain goes away. I don't want to love him. I hate loving him but it's just so damn hard not too. Every look, glance, touch, breath, sound, he makes I just fall harder. I can't pick myself up.

I was lost deep in thought, not even realizing that I had been crying. Usually it's silent soft tears but no I was bawling and the worst part about it I had woken up Joe.

He scooped me up in his arms. "Aw, Don't cry Nicky." He said stroking my hair. I clung on to him never wanting to let go. I took deep breaths in hailing his sweet scent. "Calm down, Nicky. Everything will be okay." He said softy in the most relaxing and soothing voice.

"Why are you crying?" He asked me. I bit my lip, shaking my head ever so slightly. I was being such a girl I felt like a little kid in his arms, safe, protected, better yet, loved.

He smiled, "Come on, you can tell me." I let out a sigh giving him the best excuse I could come up with. "I had a bad dream." His smile got bigger, showing me all his teeth. "It'll be okay Nicky, I'm here I won't let anything happen to you, I promise." A huge grin appeared on my face. "Okay." I said.

Joseph stared at me with those big brown eyes. "What?" I asked. He shook his head. I smiled, sitting up in his lap so that I could look at him better. "Tell me." I said in a playful manner.

"No, it's embarrassing." He blushed, looking away from me. I giggled at his cuteness. "Come on, you tell me." I said mocking him. Joe laughed, shaking his head again. I moved so that I was kid of straddling him. Joe's eyes grew wide turning an even darker shade of red. I locked eyes him leaning in closer. I wanted to move away but I just couldn't his eyes were like a trance.

He leaned in, both of our breathing were shaky and uneven. Nervous for lack of a better term.

I softly pressed my lips to his, closing my eyes. I felt him tense up but he placed his hands on my hips kissing me back.

Remembering back to all those day dreams about him all those times in the showers no of that was even close to the sensation I was getting right now. I traced my tongue on his bottom lip he softly moaned opening his mouth. I let my tongue explore his mouth. We moved our lips faster and faster each second.

I pushed him down on the bed letting my hands touch his chest my lips moved to his neck. He bit his lip, holding on top my shoulders. I bit his neck he moaned louder pressing our hips together I moaned in his ear. I could feel his hardness on my thigh. "Joe, I love you I always have loved you I know it's wrong but I can't control my feelings." He smiled at me. "I love you too Nicky." I kissed him with slowly letting the passion flow from my body to his.

Joe's phone started ringing I pulled away looking at him. He slowly moved me and picked up the phone. "Hey Annabel, what's up?" My heart dropped. I forgot about Annabel, Joe's crush.

He didn't look at me the phone conversation. I blocked him out the only thing I heard was "Yeah, I'd love to go with your to the movies, bye."

Joe looked at me. I looked down. "Nicky, It's just, we can't..." He said. I shook my head giving me a small smile.

"It's okay I understand, I mean what just happened was a mistake right?" I said, as my voice cracked. Guilt filled his eyes. "No it wasn't a mistake it's just take Nicky, your my brother, My little brother." I didn't say a word to him I just laid down. That's the only thing I will ever be to him. A little brother.

I let tears hit my pillow as I hear him lay down in his own bed sighing. Like I said, I'm the type to suffer in silence.

If you haven't caught on yet I'm Nick, Nicholas Jonas and this is my story featuring Joe Jonas, my sweet intoxication.