All In A Lullaby

"Possibly less then a year." Dr. Razzleplatt finally answered my mother after what seemed like hours but it was only a matter of a seconds ago my mother asked the question on everyone's mind. 'How long?' The grip the mother hand on my hand, grew a bit tighter. I squeezed her hand. "Though there are constant new medical advances that something may come up before then that, if your willing to try. They may work better." I think this is a line most Doctors feed people like me when the medicine they have now doesn't work. I've seen plenty of Lifetime movies. They all say the same thing.

"So, what do we do now?"

"Just live as normally as you would. I don't want you to dwell on this. Just live life. Have fun. Just be happy. Inevitably there will be pain and we can prescribe her a few things for that."

"Like the Mary-Jane?" My mother instantly frowned at the idea, freeing my hand from her iron grip. When I first started the chemo process it left me sick all the time to the point it'd be days before I'd eat. I just was never hungry after those sessions and even when I didn't have sessions I wasn't hungry and I was losing weight at a rapid pace. Doctor Razzleplatt wasn't pleased but he knew I wasn't doing it because I was giving up because it wasn't anything like that. I just didn't have an appetite and I just always felt sick to my stomach all the time. He wanted to forgo the feeding tube so he offered what he thought was a better solution and it'd only be for a short period. He brought up Medical Marijuana. He said it would help with the constant nausea, I was constantly feeling and any pain I felt at the time. Plus it would give me a appetite a.k.a the munchies. I laughed so much at this thought. My mom was completely against the idea but I somehow won. For three months I smoked Marijuana not often but every now and then. My mom hated it. I had to do it outside in the shed. She was scared someone would rat on us but we had a Doctors note. That trumps police. It worked. I was eating more, even when I didn't light one up. He took me off it once I started gaining more weight back at a slow but steady pace.

Luna said I was funny when I was high.

My mom said I am never allowed to do it again but here we are.

"Like the Medical Marijuana. If you like."

"No, Sunny."

"Mom, it'd only be for the time when I felt like I was in pain. You make it sound like I'll turn into a pothead. I didn't even use it that much the first time what makes this time any different?"

"Just, no."

I turned towards Doctor Razzleplatt who normally had my back on a lot of the argument me and my mother found ourselves in while sitting in his office. "We don't need to make any soundproof plans right now. These are simply suggestions and things to think about over the next couple weeks before the next check-up. That's when we'll make some more final decisions. Today was just discussing options but I want some solid answers when we see each other next."

"I already know what I want."

"Sunny, We are going to go home and discuss this over. Get your sister's input."

"Ugh, I don't understand why you two have to any say in this. I'm the one who's dying. Neither of you are. You two are perfect healthy and going to live a long lives while I-"

"Sunny." Dr. Razzleplatt cut me off and I snapped my head towards him. He gave me a stern look and I frowned, slouching back into my chair and crossing my arms over my chest in a very five year old manner. I could still feel my mother's gaze on me. "Ella, Why don't you go make the next appointment with Stella. While I have a word with Sunny." My mother took a moment before she exited his office. I looked over at him. "You know you were wrong." For a moment he almost sounded like my father.

"Was I? I was just pointing the facts out."

He let out a sigh and leaned forward in his chair, folding his hands on his desk. "Sunny, I know this is a tough situation but there was no reason for that. She's just trying to keep your best interest in mind. She only wants the best for you. You don't have to take it out on her."

"Then how come whatever I want is completely wrong?"

"She's not saying you are wrong. She just wants everyone in the loop about what's going on. She wants every option discussed and wants the best one picked for you."

"The best one is the one I pick!"

"Sunny."

"This sucks."

"Yeah it does but you have your family to help you through it. Some people in your situation don't even have that. Least you have your mother and sister looking out for you."

"Will it hurt?" I asked.

"I'll do everything in my power to make it not hurt. That I can promise you."

I nodded my head. I believed the man behind the desk that has been my physician for over two and half years now. He hadn't said or done anything to make me question his promise. He's only ever wanted me to be cancer free. I slowly stood up from the chair. "See ya soon, Doc." I waved to Razzle before I left his office and headed towards the waiting room where my mother sat blankly staring up at the television. I slowly walked in front of her and she snapped her gaze to me.

"Ready?"

I nodded my head and she rose up form the chair and soon we were making our way back to her car. A lot of thoughts were running through my head at the moment. It's funny have almost an exact date for when you die. Well, not an exact date but an estimate of sorts. I've always wanted to know the day I die. Like the exact time and day and year. Down to the last nano second. Because before that I could get everything I ever wanted to do out of the way. I could get the courage to do the things I've always been a bit scared to do. I could tell people exactly how I feel about them. I climbed into the car and as soon as mom started the car. The words came flying out. "I'm dropping out of school." When this whole ordeal started to occur with me, I wanted nothing more then just to be done with school. It just seemed like another obstacles that I couldn't do but my mother insisted that I could not give up school despite the fact I was out all the time. Once a month for a week I was out of school, getting further and further behind but somehow I managed. I don't even know how I got through my Sophomore and Junior year. But this time it wasn't because I couldn't handle it but because it was on my list.

The list of things I want to do before I go.

"What?"

"Mom, If I'm going to die-"

"Stop saying that!" She snapped.

"I'm going to die. That's all there is to it. I'm going to die. There's no stopping it. My time is going to be up. Just face it! I'm dying and that's all there is to it. If I'm going to die, I'm going to do what I want to do!" By the end of the this rant I was shouting at my mother. I didn't mean to but it's one of those things that just happened. She was pushing my buttons today and I don't even think she meant too but I don't thank anyone means to. "Please, let me do this. Please let me drop out from school just for this year and if I make it to the next year I'll re-enroll. But right now, this is what I want. This will make me happy. If I only have so much time left I don't want to spend eight hours a day trapped in a place five out of the seven days of the week and Doctor Razzleplatt said not to dwell on things and if I go to school it'll be thrown in my face constantly by everyone and anyone. I don't want that. I want to be able to just do things, when I want to them. Please?" I pleaded with her.

"What about home schooling?"

"No school period."

She leaned back in her seat and resting her head back on the head rest, looking up at the ceiling. "If you father was here." She said quietly.

"He'd agree with me."

"After he flipped his shit."

"But still he'd agree with me after it was all said and done."

She let out a long sigh after a long period of silence. A sigh of defeat. She slowly turned towards me. "Fine but if I let you do this. No Medical Marijuana."

I laughed softly and leaned across the seat and hugged my mother tightly. "Promise."

She wrapped an arm around me and squeezed me gently, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "I love you, Sunshine."

"I love you too, Mom."