What's The Name Of The Game

Numbness was the only thing Tianna felt at this point. Of course she was sad that her mom had died, but she wasn’t as sad as she thought she’d be, which is what really upset her.

She suppressed the feeling of relief she felt as well, and substituted it with guilt.

And to make herself feel better, she told herself that it was more relief for the fact that her mom wouldn’t be suffering anymore.

“Tia,” Jon called, knocking on the bathroom door. She opened it slowly and he saw that she hadn’t done anything the whole ten minutes she was in there. “We should go soon,” he said, picking up the change of clothes she had brought in but dropped on the floor. He handed her the clothes and she took them while leaning against the wall.

She hadn’t cried yet, which was something that was troubling both her and Jon.

The hospital had called about twenty minutes ago with the news, and Jon and Pat had gotten dressed and ready to go.

“Kaner’s in the car,” Jon said, trying to prompt her into doing something. She nodded and pushed herself off the wall, so Jon walked back out into the bedroom and sat on the bed to wait for her. She emerged a few minutes later, with the same blank expression.

Jonathan grabbed her hand and led her downstairs, and sat with her in the backseat of the car while Patrick drove silently to the hospital.

When they arrived, they slowly walked to the room Tianna’s mom was in. Tears sprung to Tianna’s eyes when she saw her laying there, but none fell. The three of them sat in there for a little bit, and while Patrick mumbled a few prayers to himself Tianna looked out the window. Jon stood there awkwardly, feeling out of place.

“I think I’m going to go out into the hall,” he whispered to Tianna. Her head snapped towards him and she grabbed his hand swiftly.

“No, please,” she denied, almost desperately. Jon nodded quickly, not realizing she had needed him there that badly. She stepped forward into his arms, and he embraced her comfortingly.

“Hey, look at this,” Patrick suddenly stated. Jon and Tianna turned their heads to look, and Patrick was holding up a folded piece of paper.

“What is it?” Jon asked. Patrick shrugged and held it out.

“It’s got Tianna’s name on it.”

Tianna froze in Jon’s arms, and leaned back slightly as if afraid of touching it even though Pat was clear across the room.

She couldn’t have…written Tianna a note?

She wouldn’t have.

No. Tianna was not going to put her heart on the line like that.

What if it was full of nasty things; things that her mom just wanted to say before it was too late?

Yeah, that had to be it.

“Annie,” Patrick said, stepping closer. Tianna shook her head, pulling herself closer to Jon.

“I don’t want it,” she whispered. Patrick looked up at Jon, and then nodded.

“You should read it, what if there’s something important?” Jon asked her.

“Like what? ‘You’re my only heir, but you get no money?’ I think I’ll pass,” she quipped. Jon and Patrick both smirked, happy that Tianna was acting like herself at least.

“Can you really live not knowing? It’s bugging me and I’m not even a part of your family,” Jon remarked.

“Whatever dude, you know my mom has practically adopted you,” Patrick countered. The two men began jabbing at each other while Tianna zoned out on her mother.

“Tia,” Jon finally called, bringing her attention back to him. “You know you want to read it.”

“I do, it’s just…”

“Just what? What if it’s nasty?” Jon tried. “If it is, you can blame me for making you read it.”

“Gee thanks, that so thoughtful of you,” she remarked. “But that’s not what I’m worried about.”

“What are you worried about?” Patrick spoke.

“What if it’s…nice?” Tianna voiced, causing the two men to look at her bewildered. “It’s just, she’s been putting me down my whole life and I still kept trying to be optimistic and please her and I resent her for that…” she paused. “If it’s good, then all I’ll be able to think about is why she put me down for so long and why she couldn’t just, talk to me and be a caring mother to me. I don’t think I can handle if it’s nasty, but I know I can’t handle it if it’s good.”

Jon and Patrick nodded in understanding but remained quiet.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Tianna stepped forward and reached out for the note. Patrick handed it to her and went to stand by Jon while Tianna stood by the foot of her mom’s bed. She gingerly unfolded the note, looking it over to see how long it was.

She caught sight of the words I love you toward the bottom, and she dropped her hand momentarily and closed her eyes. She was definitely going to cry now, no doubt about it.

“Can I be alone with her while I read this?” She requested softly.

“Sure,” Patrick said, giving her a quick hug. “We’ll be out in the hall.” He walked out before Jon came over and hugged her as well, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Are you gonna be okay?” He whispered, placing his hands on her hips.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I just need a few minutes.”

Jon nodded and let go, exiting the room and shutting the door softly behind him.

Tianna took a deep breath and sat down in the chair next to her mom’s bed. She grabbed a box of Kleenex, preparing herself for the note, and brought the piece of paper up to her eyes.

Tianna,

You must hate me for being such a terrible mother. I don’t know why I was the way I was. You didn’t deserve it, any of it. There is something I think you should know though, and although it’s no excuse for the way I treated you, you still deserve to hear it.

Your father and I were married very young, and it was really a foolish decision. We loved each other, of course, but we were very immature. Ignorance was bliss for me though, and I thought we had the perfect marriage. Your father had an affair, and before I go on, I want to tell you to not think any differently of him. Like I said before, we were young and naïve. We had been fighting for what seemed like ages, and I had been ignoring him for at least a month, so in his mind it was okay.

He came clear of the affair almost as soon as it started, and he really did seem genuinely sorry and he assured me of his love for me. Times were different back then, and divorce didn’t seem like an option to me. I forgave him; I took him back. Anyways, a few months later, we got news from the woman your father had an affair with. It turned out she was pregnant, with a girl.

If you don’t see where I’m going with this, I’m trying to tell you that you’re not my biological daughter. Your biological mother, she died just after you were born, due to labor complications. Her name was Sarah Mills, and her family’s information is in the desk in the study, in case you wanted it. There’s also other letters I’ve written to you from over the years. Things I always wanted to tell you but never could.

So, of course I was upset about your father’s affair, but I wasn’t going to not let him keep you. It might have been okay if your father and I had been able to have kids, but we found out fairly soon that it wasn’t going to happen for us. I couldn’t bear children, and I soon became jealous. I was immature, and let my animosity and resentment towards your father and Sarah drift down to you.

Some time along the years I realized it wasn’t your fault; and I couldn’t possibly blame you for it. But for some reason, I just couldn’t let the past go. And for that, I am forever regretful and sorry.

You are an absolutely wonderful young woman. You are smart, beautiful, and absolutely amazing. You are the definition of true class, composure, and grace, and your compassion is truly touching. I never treated you right, and you still always acted as if I was the greatest mother in the world. I know you strived hard to live up to my standards, and in all honesty you greatly surpassed them. I am so proud of you Tianna, and so completely honored to have had you as my daughter. It is so hard to tell you all the wonderful things I think of you, but I want you to know I am thinking them. I also can’t express how sorry I am that I wasn’t a better mother, and if I could do it all over again I would in a heartbeat. I also want you to know, that I do not blame you at all for your father’s death. I needed someone to be the scapegoat, and in my mind it was easiest to blame you. Of course it was not your fault, and I’m sorry for ever saying such things.

When I got cancer, I promised myself that I would make amends with you and make things better. But I was ashamed of my behavior, and I convinced myself that you were going to hate me regardless. But you need to know, it was just a false security blanket. I know you love me, even if I didn’t always deserve it. That’s what makes you such a good person, Tianna. You are going to be so successful in life, and I just know you will find a good man and be happy. I know you probably don’t want to hear this from me, but I think Jonathan is a good fit for you. It’s clear he’s head over heels for you, so don’t let him get away.

Tianna, I love you so much. Even though you’re not my biological daughter, I can’t imagine a more perfect young woman to call my own. I love you, always and forever.

Love,
Mom

Tianna looked up at her mother, although she could barely see through her tears, and grabbed her hand.

Jon and Patrick had been in the hallway for quite some time, with Patrick sprawled out in a chair and Jon pacing back and forth.

“Do you think she’s okay in there?” Jon asked.

“For the thousandth time Tazer, yes, she’s fine. She might be crying, she might not be. Either way we have to stay out here until she’s ready for us,” Patrick remarked. “Sit down.” Jon obliged and sat in a chair next to Patrick.

A few minutes later Tianna stumbled out of the room, with tears streaming down her face. She was near hysterical, and was making all sorts of hiccupping and sobbing noises. Jon and Patrick stood up immediately, and Jon took her in his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He asked her worriedly. Tianna buried her head in his chest and blindly held the paper out, which Patrick grabbed.

He scanned through the letter, his eyes going wide. By the time he reached the bottom Jon was curious as well. He took the paper from Patrick, knowing that by his expression this letter was going to contain one hell of a bombshell. Tianna was still crying into his shirt as he read, and he ran a hand up and down her back soothingly.

When he was finished, he shot a nervous glance at Patrick and handed the letter back to him. Before either of them could say anything, a doctor approached them, asking them if they were done saying their goodbyes to Tianna’s mom.

“Um, actually, I don’t think she has-”

“I did,” Tianna said, interrupting Jon. “After I read the…note,” she choked out. “I’m finished.” Jon nodded, and Patrick told the doctor they were all set. She sent them to the counseling room, which is procedure for all deaths in the hospital, but none of them were really listening. Jon knew Tianna wanted nothing more than to just go home and go to bed, and he wanted nothing more then to get her there. Patrick knew that Tianna needed all of Jon’s attention at the moment, so he was the one who answered questions and stuff.

When they were finally finished, Jon drove back to Tianna’s home while Patrick sat with Tianna in the back. They would have to go back the next day in order to collect Jennifer’s things since the hospital knew it would be too much for them to handle tonight. The three of them entered the house, where they shifted around silently for a bit. Jon grabbed a couple of water bottles out of the refrigerator before telling Tianna she should get back to bed.

She nodded in agreement, and everyone said their goodnight’s.

“I’ll start calling people tomorrow morning,” Patrick told her, kissing the top of her head. She nodded again, and Patrick made his way to the guest room he was staying in. Tianna softly grabbed Jon’s hand as they made their way to her room. He shut the door behind them, setting the water bottles on the bed side tables. They changed back into their pajamas and crawled under the covers, and Tianna immediately clung herself on to Jon.

“It’s alright,” he soothed, once he noticed she was crying again. “I’m here.” He stroked her hair until she fell asleep, tears still wet on her cheeks. He padded them away softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead before settling himself into sleep as well.