Lyrical Love Letter

Juliette awoke on the plush brown couch, her nose buried into the pillow where she caught the vague scent of Alex there. Some how Juliette felt more tired than she had before she’d fallen asleep, her body still felt exhausted and her mind still wasn’t forming full coherent thoughts. Groggily she rolled over on the couch, her brown eyes squinting against the sun that bled through the parted curtains. What felt like only minutes ago, many had surrounded Juliette, however, now she was only in the presence of one. The air around them both was equally quiet and heavy. Juliette found herself both comforted and relieved to see him sitting in the large patching recliner across from her, his elbow propped up and his hand over his mouth as he stared out the window lost in thought. He looked years older to her suddenly, worry, fear, sadness bogged him down.

Declan.

“Hey,” She croaked, her throat sore and dry from crying.

It broke Declan out of his trans and he turned to stare at her, his eyes filled with concern. He said nothing as he studied her, Juliette didn’t need comforting words right now and he knew that.

“How are you feeling?”

Juliette looked away, her eyes redirecting to the high ceiling fan, watching as it spun around and around and around as it made a continuous click, click, click.

“I’ll let you kn-ow,” She cleared her throat when her voice cracked. “When I figure it out.”

He nodded solemnly and resumed his gaze out the window, neither of the siblings seeming to be able to face each other just now.

“Alex is still asleep,” Declan informed quietly. “I check on him about fifteen minutes ago.”

“The others?”

“Rian is with Kara, Zack is with Jonnie, and I could only imagine Jack is with Missy.”

Juliette twisted her body fully to face her brother. He was expressionless, a master at hiding his emotions. He would be the rock no else could be, he would take care of everything and everyone. It was just the way Declan was, when the world flipped upside down it was he who did damage control and made sure everyone survived the aftermath.

“You’re always here,” Juliette mumbled quietly and Declan’s eyes pulled away from the window, his brown orbs filled with quiet confusion.

“Every time our world flips upside down, every time shit hits the fan—you’re always there.”

Declan was silent for a moment as he stared at his sister. Juliette didn’t realize just how broken she appeared right now. She was sickly pale with dark circles under her eyes. There was no life left in those caramel orbs, no color in her lips. Her movement was slow and lagging but her words were clear and strong.

He rose from the chair then, his mouth pulling into a sad state of love. He crouched beside the sofa, eye level with Juliette.

“Well, someone has to take care of you,” he murmured his eyes scanning over her features looking for any signs of a breakdown. “I promised you I’d always be here, didn’t I?”

Juliette’s heart clenched painfully to hear him say that. Declan had spent the majority of his life invested in standing beside his sister, protecting his sister, and making sure no harm ever came to her. Every time something bad happened, every time Juliette swore she’d run away and never come back, every time she got into trouble he was always there. He knew exactly how to handle Juliette, how to keep her from going over the edge. He never told her something was a bad idea, he never advised against running away he’d just ask her ‘where are we going?’ and that’d be that.

He had played the roll of both her brother and parent since they were kids. Without Declan, Juliette knew she’d either be dead or in jail; and he would never ask for as little as a thank you in return.

“Deck, we were nine,” Tears shined her eyes.

“I know I remember,” he recalled quietly. “You came home crying one day after we’d just moved and you ran to Mom but she and Collin were on their way out to go to some function and told you it’d have to wait. You cried for what felt like ever and when I finally asked you what was wrong you told me Shawn O’Conner told you that you were just a stupid little girl who couldn’t do whatever any boy could.”

“He also said I’d never have any friends in that town because no one likes a newbie cry baby fat girl. I told you Shawn was right, that even mom and dad didn’t want to talk to me.”

Declan’s eyes hardened slightly with both anger and determination. He cupped her cheek softly, “I told you I’d always be there, that I’d never leave you. I promised you that no matter where we moved to or where we went you’d never be alone—I meant that, Sunny.”

A single tear slid down her cheek at the nickname. She smiled dryly as she recalled the aftermath of the incident. “Then you sent Shawn to the emergency room for stitches.”

“Asshole deserved it, 12 or not he shouldn’t have said that shit.” He grumbled in response.

“You could have gotten into so much trouble.”

“I didn’t know it was brick…I just grabbed whatever I could get my hands on.”

Juliette’s lips pulled down with a haunted sadness. She sat up and kissed her brother on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him in a hug.

“What’s that for?” he questioned when they pulled away.

“For never leaving me,” She hadn’t realized she’d been crying until Declan was begging her not to as he brushed away tears. “We’re going to loose everything, Deck, I can feel it. It feels like it did when David contacted us and when Nana Jean came home from Atlantic City, can’t you feel it?”

Declan looked away, his lips pursed into a thin line, his eyes hard as marbles as he glared at a spot on the floor.

“Can’t you feel it?” She whispered, pressing her other half to answer her, to assure her she wasn’t going crazy with anxiety for no reason.

Declan swallowed hard refusing to look at her. Finally he nodded to himself, deciding something in his mind as he turned to his sister and kissed her forehead as he rose to his feet.

“What was that for?” She questioned frowning slightly in understanding he wouldn’t answer her question.

“I’ll always be where you are, whether its New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, or fucking California—no matter what, I’m here.” Then he walked away leaving Juliette alone with the thoughts in her head as she heard the front door click softly.

She sat there for a long time, thinking of nothing at all, to worrying about everything. It made her anxious, it made her scared, but most of all it made her sad. With every ounce of willpower she had left, Juliette got up from where she sat and slowly, lethargically, made her way up the flight of stairs not stopping until she reached Alex’s bedroom. She didn’t knock and she didn’t hesitate, Declan may have said Alex was sleeping but Juliette knew better. Alex wasn’t sleeping, in fact the only times she thought he even got a moments peace from the chaos in his head was when he was holding Juliette tightly like a little kid holding their favorite stuffed animal during a thunderstorm.

He didn’t stir when she entered the dark room, no sunlight slipped through the blinds, and she stepped on everything from his New Found Glory cd to his underwear to get to his bed. She drew back the covers silently and slid into the bed beside her boyfriend. Her eyes fixated on the glow stars on his ceiling from when he was little before she swallowed hard and turned to face him; excruciatingly sad bottomless eyes stared back her.

She said nothing as she turned her body fully toward him, her hand gently brushing against his lips, touching his cheek, brushing her hand through his hair, she said nothing but her actions said everything. Juliette knew he wasn’t okay but she wanted to be sure he was still real and solid beside her.

“I’m here,” she murmured quietly. “As long as you need me I’ll be here.”

Her hand traced the outline of his jaw, she wanted so badly to see the color replaced in his cheeks, to see the sparkle in his eye, and the laughter in his voice but Juliette knew that wouldn’t happen and she tried not to dwell on the fact that the Alex from forty-eight hours ago and the Alex laying beside her now may never again be the same person. He reached up lethargically and grabbed her hand, nestling his cheek into her palm.

“I don’t understand,” He stated helplessly, his voice cracking and rough as gravel. “I just-I don’t-I don’t understand…how? How could he? I don’t—“

“Shh, Alex don’t,” She nestled closer to him and wrapped her arms him tightly as he laid his ear to her heart. “please Alex don’t…don’t…” her voice was falling along with her ability to stay strong. She held him close, with her chin resting atop his head and her arms wrapped around his torso.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to understand that he’s gone, that he’s not coming back. He’s always been here, we may not have—have been close but he was always here and now he’s gone and I’m, I’m—“

Juliette held him so tightly her fingernails were digging into his arm. He was slipping away, slipping into a place within his mind where Juliette couldn’t reach him, couldn’t comfort him. Not even the dull pain of her nails in his arms could bring him out of it.

“You. Are. Not. Alone.” Juliette enunciated each word partly to be sure Alex heard and understood her and partly because she was barely holding back the sob wedged in her throat. “I’m here, I’m here and you are not alone.”

“How can he be gone?”

“I’m here, I’m here and you are not alone.” Juliette repeated her words like a mantra, like it was every answer, the only answer, she could offer.

She didn’t know what else to say, she wouldn’t tell him it’d be okay because it wouldn’t be. She wouldn’t promise they’d get through this because honestly Juliette couldn’t picture ever moving from this bed let alone imagining any kind of future that involved moving on. She felt like she was drowning, like somehow she was Jack and he was Rose and even though Juliette felt like they might not survive this she still clung to that damn clock and made sure Alex was out of the water because he had to survive this, Juliette couldn’t bare it if he didn’t.

“I’m here, I’m here and you are not alone. I’ll always be here Alex, for as long as you need me.”