Lyrical Love Letter

The days passed in a blur and to be honest Juliette didn’t know whether they’d found Logan last night, three days ago, or a week ago, regardless of the days today seemed to stand out amongst the blur.

“Sunny are you ready?”

Juliette found it slightly odd that since that night Declan had hardly called her anything other than the found nickname. She was thankful for it though, somehow through everything it was the nickname that reminded her as to who she was. It reminded her that she had been alive and thriving before this happened and that maybe if she tried hard enough she could get back to that place.

“Sun?”

But just because the name sounded better to her ears didn’t mean it lifted the sensation of being smothered off her. She stared at herself in the mirror emotionlessly. She was dressed in a simple black number, her hair limp at her side, her skin paler than normal, dark circles beneath tired glassy eyes.

She swallowed hard as she stared at herself, hardly recognizing the person staring back. Juliette understood and accepted Logan’s death, yet despite that she couldn’t stop feeling like she was drowning; what hurt her worst was knowing Alex was drowning too.

Logan approached her quietly from behind and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Just breathe,” Declan murmured and Juliette closed her eyes inhaling deeply.

She still felt like shit, she still felt the pressure closing in around her, but somehow, minimally, she felt better.

Silently Declan took her hand and led her to the door where she followed him down the stairs quietly. She was greeted by the solemn well dressed figures of her relatives. Uncle Ben, Aunt Karen, Rian, and even Jonnie was there.

For a moment nobody said anything and then Uncle Ben couldn’t take it any longer.

“We should go,” he advised.

“Yes,” Aunt Karen said softly, “I promised Mrs. Gaskarth I’d be there.”

And that was the extent of it before they were moving toward the door and out toward where they knew the cars to be. The friends gravitated naturally toward Declan’s car and Uncle Ben nodded once in his direction before they got into their respective vehicles and drove off.

Juliette was silent as she watched the world pass her by, finding everything to suddenly seem so dull and irrelevant. Juliette found it terrible and amazing that one singular life can change the worlds of so many people. If there was one thing Juliette was sure of it was that Logan had no idea how many people he affected.

It was a blur to Juliette, the progression from the Dawson house to the funeral as they all walked single file to the site, all dressed black, all silent. Juliette found Alex easily, he stood with his family yet slightly apart from his parents, even Missy couldn’t seem to get within arms length of her cousin. She moved to his side, her hand slipping into his silently. Alex took no notice of his girlfriend’s presence at his side beside the death grip he now had on her hand.

Rian glanced at the two but didn’t draw nearer, somehow this seemed like the couple where unreachable and a million miles away. It struck Rian that thought the two were motionless and silent, living statues, that they clung to each other, only able to reach each other at this moment. He glanced away when Kara made it to his side, her arm linked with his and her head fell to his shoulder. Jonnie glanced at the couple and Rian turned to her, smiling brokenly, before he brushed away hair from her eyes then glanced at the casket no one could look away from. Zack found Jonnie then when he arrived with Zack and the look of pure relief and love in her eyes made him feel needed in a way he never had before. Jonnie instantly wrapped her arms around him and Zack rested his chin atop her head.

“Miss,” she turned to find Jack approaching and she instantly offered her hand for him to take. He kissed her on the cheek when he reached her.

“Jack,” She mumbled brokenly in his shirt, breathing in the scent of him.

“I’m right here.” He whispered in her ear and she nodded mutely. She kept her eyes closed, her face buried in his chest for a long time. It was nearly unbearable for Missy Taylor to gaze upon the casket.

Forty three people were in attendance and not one of them spoke, what to do you say when you attend the funeral of an eighteen year old who commits suicide?

Juliette wanted more than anything for the funeral to start and be over with. She hated funerals, to Juliette Dawson funerals where like pouring alcohol over a wound. To Juliette funerals didn’t bring closer they just made it worst, they just left an empty hollow reminder that those we love are gone and we are left to live on and grapple with a way to exist without them.

“We are gathered here today--”

Juliette drowned it out, she couldn’t bare to listen to a Priest talk about closure and peace. She couldn’t listen to it, she couldn’t stand it. How the hell was he supposed to know the pain these people felt?

Her eyes surveyed the people that surrounded them, most she didn’t recognize but other’s she’d met on occasion or seen in pictures. The Dawson’s, Barakat’s, Merrick’s, were all in attendance as well as every Gaskarth relative within one hundred miles. Aunts and Uncles, an older couple Juliette knew to be Alex’s Grandparents, as well as those twenty-nine and younger she knew to be six of his cousins. Even Matt Flyzik and his parents were here.

There was one figure that caught Juliette’s eye however that looked out of place. She stood alone and Juliette knew she was trying to go unseen she stood nearly hundred feet behind the mourning crowd. She had long brunette hair that was slightly messy and haunting caramel eyes with dark circles under them. Her shirt had stains on them and her jeans were ripped. Tears were streaming down her face and she had a hand to her mouth. This girl who could have only been a year or so younger than herself peaked Juliette’s interest. Their eyes met and her eyes widened before she turned and walked away, leaving Juliette puzzled.

Her attention fixed once again on the Priest and she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend, finding herself slightly relieved when he responded and wrapped his arms around her. Juliette worried about Alex, more than she’d ever admit. He was a shell of who he was and sometimes she’d look at him and he wasn’t even there in the present, to Juliette he was a million miles away in an unreachable place.

The funeral passed by faster than Juliette could have imagined it too and suddenly people were moving forward, placing flowers on Logan’s casket. Alex didn’t move an inch as his parents stepped forward and Missy glanced in his direction unsure of whether to step forward or not. As people began to place their flowers on the casket than gravitate toward Mrs. And Mr. Gaskarth, Zack, Jonnie, Rian, Kara, Missy, and Jack all gravitated toward Alex.

“Babe?” She murmured softly but he didn’t respond, he just stared at the rose his hands. “C’mon,” She nodded in his brother’s direction and took his hand, urging him forward. Missy reached for Alex’s free hand, Jack reached for Missy’s hand, while Rian reached for Juliette’s hand and with Kara’s hand locked with his, Jonnie reached for her’s, leaving Zack to hold his girlfriend’s hand. As one, they moved toward Logan’s casket, none of them breaking their hold on the other. When Alex stopped, they all stopped, they all stayed silent and not one of them dared to move.

Missy was the first to break the silence. “Goodbye Logan, I love you and I’ll never forget you. Thank you for helping me with my shit and never judging me for it.” She threw the rose onto his grave then reached for Alex’s hand once more.

Juliette glanced around and when everyone hesitated she spoke. “I’ll see you again Logan.” She stated swallowing hard as tears brimmed her eyes. “I know I will. Thank you for being my friend.” She stared at the rose in her hand for a moment then kissed its pedals. “Goodbye for now.”

“Goodbye man,” Rian and Zack mumbled placing their flowers on the coffin. They felt bad now for not having known Logan better, they wished they had—but they didn’t,

“Goodbye Logan,” Kara murmured stepping forward and gently placed the rose atop the others. She touched the coffin softly and whispered so no one could hear, “say hi to Dylan for me.”

Jonnie stepped forward silently and touched the polished maple wood of the casket. She ran her hand along the edge of it, her feelings so mixed she couldn’t speak. How could this be the second person she’d known to kill themselves? She couldn’t understand it. She felt they were so selfish yet at the same time she felt so deeply sorry for them to feel that it was the only way. “I’m sure you and James will have a lot to talk about.” She muttered. Her lower lip trembled and slow tears filled her eyes. “Rest easy Logan.”

She turned to the group, all patient and quiet, willing to stay as long as it would take to be there for Alex. As long as Alex needed them they would be there to support him, one giant strong unit that could hold each other up.

“Alex,” Juliette whispered. He was going to that place inside himself again, that place where Juliette couldn’t reach him. She reached for his face and gently turned him to face her. “He’ll never leave you,” She told him quietly. “He’ll always be with you.” She pressed her forehead to his. “Goodbye isn’t forever, it’s just a little while.”

He stared at her quietly, his eyes glassy and tired. “He’s still gone. Placing a damn rose on that casket isn’t going to do anything. It’s not going to bring him back and it’s not going to make me feel any better.”

Juliette swallowed hard. “You don’t have to then, we can go. We can go back to the house—“

“I don’t want to be around my parents.” He mumbled. Juliette nodded, she knew it was hard for them. Their sorrow for the dead son while aloud made their living son drown farther in his own sorrow. Somehow seeing your parents break made everything so much worst.

“Okay,” She nodded quietly, “We can go to my house, we can go where ever you want. We can leave, we don’t have to stay.”

He nodded mutely, he wanted that but he glanced in the direction of the inanimate object that meant so much. “I should say goodbye.”

She kissed his cheek silently and he released her hand moving toward the casket. He placed the rose atop the casket and placed both his hands atop the cool hard surface resting against it. No one heard what he said that day but Juliette supposed that was exactly how it should have been. The relationship between brothers and the love they share is a quiet one that all the world doesn’t know. After several quiet minutes Alex bent his head and kissed the coffin then returned to Juliette’s side.

“We can go,” He announced and silently the group followed, willing to go where Alex wanted.

“Okay,” Juliette smiled sadly and linked her hand with his. “Let’s go.”

Juliette didn’t know where they were headed but in that moment it didn’t matter.

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you