Lyrical Love Letter

Juliette didn’t remember the last few days in part because she tried to suppress the painful bits and partly because she found alcohol and sleep medication for those moments she couldn’t find peace. The world she lived in had settled into an uneasy sense of somberness. None of them knew how to navigate through the gloomy aftermath of Logan’s suicide and find normalcy; not Alex, not Juliette, not Jonnie, or Zack, not Jack or Missy, nor Zack or Kara.

Alex was like a china doll to them, fragile and breakable, but he was also the ball that threatened to smash said china doll; Alex was self-destructing.

Juliette did not know much of anything anymore but what she did know was that she was beginning to severely regretting those fake ID’s she’d gotten them all those months ago.

Alex was drinking, slamming them back like his life depended on it and it was nights like these that anger trickled into her veins for him. It had been two weeks since Logan’s funeral and a week and a half of the downward spiral no one knew how to stop. She could take a lot from Alex, she could expect a lot from Alex, but he had a line of empty shots before him the length of his arm and he was going to cause a scene.

“Alex I think it’s time to stop,” she advised her lips close to his ear over the loud music with her hand on his arm for emphasis.

“Get off,” He grumbled shaking of her hand and Juliette could only purse her lips in response.

She glanced around her, Zack and Jonnie had found a table and were sitting side by side, arms touching, and heads bent low in the far corner of the room. Jack and Missy were home because Juliette had to draw the line somewhere, Declan was getting chatty and touchy feely with a red head on the other end of the bar, and Rian and Kara were dancing, lost in their own world.

Juliette closed her eyes tiredly. She was physically exhausted from the lack of sleep she’d been getting, wither it be from her nightmares or Alex’s and she was mentally exhausted from having to watch the boy she loved go through hell, and she was emotionally tried from all the nights Alex broke down and inadvertently caused Juliette to do the same.
Juliette was tired, too tired, and if she were honest with herself she didn’t have the strength to pull Alex away from the bar. He’d fight her, she knew that, it dulled the pain and his mind and while Juliette didn’t condone the destructive habit she knew it was the only thing that helped him sometimes.

“Alex please,” She begged him weakly. She knew it was hopeless, Alex searching for something to ease the pain and the gaping hole in his heart and unfortunately alcohol was the only thing strong enough to send him into a big enough oblivion.

“Julie--e I’m fine,” he slurred, his oaken orbs hard as he glanced at her irritated.

“You are not fine,” She snapped. “You are so fucking far from fine and all I want to do is go home. Why can’t we just go home and lay in bed or something? I don’t want to do this tonight Alex…”

“Go home then, I’m not stopping you but I’m not ready to leave.”

Juliette hung her head, in her heart she knew they couldn’t stay if they did it would result in nothing good, she just didn’t know how to get him to leave. If she tried to get Declan to help her it would just cause a scene because Declan would get Alex out of the bar by any means necessary if Juliette asked him too---even if it meant being punched unconscious. She didn’t want to ask Rian or Zack, this was the first time they’d managed to truly enjoy their time with their girlfriends without it being overshadowed by sadness.

In a last ditch effort Juliette pulled out her phone and thanked god that the number she was about to call was cocky when drunk; it seemed like a lifetime ago when it happened.

“Matt? It’s Juliette, I need your help.”

Juliette felt like it had taken Matt forever to reach the bar but when she spotted their friend relief washed through her. She knew that over the last few months Matt had distanced himself from the guys, something about family issues, but Juliette was thankful he was here now.

“Hey Juliette,” Matt muttered when she met him at the door.
“Matt,” She grimaced slightly. “sorry this wasn’t under better circumstances.”

He nodded in understanding. “What is his deal?”

“Logan,” Juliette stated as the weaved around people through the crowded bar. “Mostly anyway. I mean,” She shook her head tiredly. “I just don’t know anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can hardly keep up with him most of the time. He changes from sad to angry to drinking himself into oblivion. Sometimes he says he misses Logan other times he gets mad at me for assuming as much.” Juliette sighed tiredly. “Its been a long day and Alex is so drunk. These days he’s either an obnoxious drunk or an angry drunk. Right now I think he’s a boarder line angry drunk, he won’t leave but he’s had more than enough to drink.” She shook her head angry with herself. “I should have never given him that fucking ID…”

“You could have never known he’d abuse it like this.” Matt offered placing a hand on her shoulder. “You can’t be responsible for the decisions Alex makes.”

“Then why do I feel responsible for him?”

He smiled at her bitterly. “Because you love him.”

Juliette pursed her lips but nodded solemnly before she caught sight of her boyfriend leaving through the back entrance.

“C’mon,” Juliette said taking the lead as they darted around partiers and drunk people. Cool hair hit her face when her hands slammed against the exit door and through it open.

Alex was leaning heavily against the dirty brick wall hunched over. It was then that Juliette heard him empting the contents of his stomach.

“Alex-“

“I’m fine.” He stated roughly coughing hard before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Juliette grimaced as she and Matt approached him.

“You’re not fine, man.” Matt stated. “You’re a wreck.”

“I’m allowed to be.” Alex shot back. “My fucking brother killed himself. Don’t you think I have a right to not be okay.”

“Yes,” Matt said carefully. “of course you do. But not like this, not this way.”

“Lets just go home Alex, please.” Juliette begged wrapping her arms around herself as the January chill cut into her bones.

“I already told you Juliette, if you want to leave you can go but I don’t want to.”

“You’re puking your guts up in a back ally Alex!” She yelled at him.

“It’s time to go.” Matt added.

Alex eyed Matt reproachfully. “oh I see, she called you to what? Manhandle me out of here? I’d like to see you try Matt.”

Juliette sighed in frustration. She loved Alex had she wanted to support him and be there for him but over the past week he had begun making it so damn hard.

“C’mon Alex its not like that.”

“I just figured if you’d listen to anyone right now it’d be Matt—You know the guy trying to help you get signed, because he believes in you.” She explained. “It isn’t like we are conspiring against you Alex. You just can’t get rip roaring drunk night after night like this—you can’t.”

Alex’s glazed bloodshot eyes flickered between the two of them before they settled on his girlfriend. “I could have stopped him. If we hadn’t gone on that damn road trip I could have been there for him. I could have stopped him.”

Juliette said nothing. If she disagreed with him, told him there was nothing he could have done, his anger would flare up at her for trying to comfort him; she wouldn’t dare agree with his words.

“Alex it’s cold as hell out,” Matt spoke up. “lets just leave. Tonight, just to night, you’ve had enough. Lets just go him tonight okay? Tomorrow is a different day.”

Alex stared at Matt for a long moment before he bit his lip and nodded quietly.

“Okay,” He muttered.

The one word sent relief through Juliette. Just for tonight she knew that Alex would be home in bed sleeping. Just for tonight perhaps things could end alright and not in a blackout.

Matt was right though, tomorrow was another day and another day brought with it more challenges.