Dakota, Are You in Love With Me Too?

Sitting in the empty tub, fully clothed, I frowned as I hated this feeling of being sick all the time or at least most of the time. John’s show was tonight but I didn’t go, I wasn’t feeling up to it, to be honest I’m not even feeling up to drive home in the morning but I have to because Annie needs to be in the back with Ashlee so she can comfort her when she needs it.

“Dakota Mae?” I heard John call out softly, “Baby?” He whispered, he rarely calls me ‘Baby’ or ‘Babe’ but when he does, it completely melts my heart and makes me fall for him all over again.

I saw as he walked by the bathroom door then as he turned around and came into the bathroom. Flipping the light on, he looked at me oddly, “What are you doing?”

“I don't feel good,” I answered.

“So, you’re sitting in the tub, with clothes on and the light off?”

I nodded.

“Whatever makes you feel better.” He shrugged then he kneeled down next to the tub with a plastic bag, “Will you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Take this,” He whispered as he handed me the bag.

I took the bag from him then looked inside to see a pregnancy test, “John,” I frowned.

“Seriously,” He made his eyes wide, “When was the last time you had your period?”

I shrugged, “Last week.” I frowned, “It was a light one, but still a period.”

He widened his eyes a little more, “Trust me on this …”

“Why?” I huffed.

“Because, I’ve gotten someone pregnant before.” He snapped harshly then after he said that, that way there was an instant look of regret in his eyes, “Just take it for me, Dakota Mae. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s positive.”

I looked at the test then handed it to him, “No,”

“Dakota.”

“No, John!” I screamed, “It’s just the damn flu!” I went on as fear shook my body, “It’s just the flu.” I whispered to myself.

Staring at me blankly, John sighed as he stood up and left the bathroom. A few seconds later, I heard the TV turn on meaning he was currently ‘ignoring’ me and my stubborn ways. Tossing the test across the bathroom, I growled as I grabbed the shower curtain and tugged it shut, “Asshole!” I called out.

“Fuck you, Dakota Mae!” John snapped back at me.

I lowered myself down into the tub more and crossed my arms over my chest not knowing what to do. I hadn’t thought about a possible pregnancy, I haven’t ever been pregnant before and the only other pregnant person I have ever been around was Annie and she was never like this from what I saw. I had no reason to suspect pregnancy, I’ve been on my birth control, I missed one day and that was the day of my Wedding but since then I haven’t missed a single down. I didn’t think much about missing that one day simply because my birth control has been in my system for so long, and when I noticed that I had forgotten to take it during the chaos that was my Wedding, it was too late.

Is it possible that John had gotten me pregnant in the small window of time? We did have sex before we got on the plane to Hawaii, we actually had sex a few times before we boarded the plane for Hawaii. John has never worn a condom with me except for our very first time and he only wore it because I forgot to tell him that I was on the pill.

Feeling a few tears fall from my eyes, I reached up with a shaky hand to wipe them away only to have more fall. Opening the curtain, I carefully climbed out of the tub then shut the bathroom door silently. Picking the test up, I took it out of the box and read the instructions with teary eyes and blurry vision. Wiping away my tears once more before I took the test, I did as the piece of paper told me to do before placing the test on the counter to work it magic.

Flushing the toilet, I turned the light off then climbed back into the tub and shut the curtain. Curling up, I tugged the hood of John’s hoodie over my head and sobbed uncontrollably, hoping that the test was a big, fat negative. I don’t want to be pregnant, I can’t be pregnant, John won’t be there with me, he won’t be by my side when I need him most.

Not knowing how much time had passed, I heard the bathroom door open then the light turn on. Looking out of the curtain, I watched as John picked up the test, stared at it intently before carefully putting it back down, all while keeping a straight face. Lowering his head, he walked back to the door and reached up to the light switch, “I love you, cross my heart and hope to die … believe me?” He whispered softly, just barely loud enough for me to hear him.

“I believe you,” I mumbled back and as I spoke those words, John turned the light out once again and walked out of the bathroom, only shutting the door half way.

As I continued to look out from behind the curtain, I saw the room light turn off, then heard the TV being shut off and the dark hotel room fell completely silent. Pushing the curtain to the side, I got out of the tub and left the bathroom without even glancing at the test, not wanting to know what it said.

Getting into bed with John, I cuddled him closely and closed my eyes. Wrapping his arms around me tightly, John held me close and just by the way he was hugging me, I knew the results of the pregnancy test. I was pregnant, and John told me without speaking a single word. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I began to cry once more scared shitless.

My marriage to John was not a mistake by any means, but this pregnancy, it is definitely unplanned and could end up being my biggest mistake.

“Everything will be ok,” John assured, his voice soft sounding and very soothing, “I promise, Dakota Mae.”

I shook my head no.

“I know you’re scared.” He pointed out using that same tone of voice, “It’s ok to be scared.”

Nodding my head, I continued to not speak.

“Will you promise me you’ll go to the doctors when you get home, confirm it then get checked out to make sure everything is ok?”

I nodded.

Pressing his lips to my forehead, John kissed me a few times before hugging me tighter.

“Make it ok,” I begged through my tears.

“Everything is ok,” He assured.

Clinging to him, I shook my head no but stayed silent once again. This wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I wasn’t going to be alone, but for the rest of the year, John has a touring schedule that has the potential to make us complete strangers. Everything is definitely not ok.

*****************

Standing by my car, I watched as John walked away and with every step that he took my heart broke that much more. Once he was at the van, he took one last look over his shoulder at me, waved then climbed into the back seat before the door shut, seeing as he was the last member to get in the van.

Listening to Kennedy start the engine, I felt my knees get weak but I refused to let my weak knees get the best of me so I used all of my strength to stand as tall as I could. Slowly the van started to roll away and John waved a little more. Waving back, I felt like running after the van to stop them from driving away, to stop them from heading up north for more shows.

Pressing his index finger and middle finger to his lips, he then pressed them to the window before he finally turned around. Lowering my head, I climbed into the drivers’ seat of my car then started it up.

“Are you ok?” Annie whispered from the back, “That seemed really hard on you.”

“I’m fine,” I lied as I put my seat belt on and put the car into gear.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I frowned then I fell completely silent.

This is going to be a long, silent ride back home.