Saint in the City
Days Like Masquerades
I said, “Hey you, this is me. The idealist inside that holds your love on a string, wound and tied like kites to all your hopes and dreams. What a tangled mess that they’ve turned out to be. Take a breath, and ask yourself what matters.”
-The Academy Is...
----------
“Rose…About what we were talking about yesterday…were you serious?” Scarlett asked me. We were eating take-out Chinese together at the kitchen counter.
I glanced up at her as I chewed the noodles in my mouth, “What were we talking about?”
She rolled her eyes, “You know, how you thing you could be the bad guy. Were you serious?”
I nodded, “Of course, you know I don’t lie to you.”
“But…you can’t honestly think that you could be the bad guy, you’re too pure.”
“If you think I’m pure, you know nothing about me.” I laughed. Me being pure was ridiculous, I'd done too many bad things in my life too be anything close to pure.
“How are you not pure? You’ve never done freaking anything!” Scarlett exclaimed.
“You don’t know what I’ve done!” I was standing now, how could she think I wasn’t awful?
“Maybe I would have a clue if you would tell me anything!” She was yelling at me from the other side of the counter. We were lucky that Zach wasn’t home; I didn’t want him to hear all this.
“Maybe I’m not telling you for a reason!”
“Must be one fucking good reason!”
“I don’t want you to get hurt!”
“Who’s gonna hurt me? Your ‘awful’ past? Rose, you can trust me, I’m your friend!”
“And that’s why I don’t want to tell you!”
“What, do you not trust me? You’ve known me for almost all my life and you don’t fucking trust me?!”
This was it, the moment of truth. I could come clean, tell Scarlett everything about what I’d done and probably will do. Or I could continue to tell her half-truths and sneak behind her back.
I pondered. I could tell her, I really could, and she would probably understand. But that chance that she wouldn’t, that she would kick me out and that it would destroy our friendship. That’s what kept mouth shut, I didn’t want to lose Scarlett, she was far too important.
She stared at me, waiting for an answer or if she would even get one.
It was tearing me up inside, it really was. I was weighting hundreds of pros and cons, imagining thousands of possible outcomes, wondering what could happen.
“Are you going to tell me?’ Scarlett asked in a normal tone, she had calmed down in the time I was contemplating.
“I want to.” I responded truthfully.
“But will you?”
“Will you still look at me the same? Will you wake up in the morning and feel safe when I’m sleeping only a room away from you? Will you still even want to live with me? Will you ever feel safe in this city again?”
“What do you mean? How could I ever not feel safe with you?”
I sighed, I would have to tell her now, she would never give up asking about it. I had to, but I didn’t want to. This was a life-changing moment that I didn’t think either of us were ready for, but it was going to happen, there was no going back now.
I took a breath and then let my secret out, “I am Nightmare.”
-The Academy Is...
----------
“Rose…About what we were talking about yesterday…were you serious?” Scarlett asked me. We were eating take-out Chinese together at the kitchen counter.
I glanced up at her as I chewed the noodles in my mouth, “What were we talking about?”
She rolled her eyes, “You know, how you thing you could be the bad guy. Were you serious?”
I nodded, “Of course, you know I don’t lie to you.”
“But…you can’t honestly think that you could be the bad guy, you’re too pure.”
“If you think I’m pure, you know nothing about me.” I laughed. Me being pure was ridiculous, I'd done too many bad things in my life too be anything close to pure.
“How are you not pure? You’ve never done freaking anything!” Scarlett exclaimed.
“You don’t know what I’ve done!” I was standing now, how could she think I wasn’t awful?
“Maybe I would have a clue if you would tell me anything!” She was yelling at me from the other side of the counter. We were lucky that Zach wasn’t home; I didn’t want him to hear all this.
“Maybe I’m not telling you for a reason!”
“Must be one fucking good reason!”
“I don’t want you to get hurt!”
“Who’s gonna hurt me? Your ‘awful’ past? Rose, you can trust me, I’m your friend!”
“And that’s why I don’t want to tell you!”
“What, do you not trust me? You’ve known me for almost all my life and you don’t fucking trust me?!”
This was it, the moment of truth. I could come clean, tell Scarlett everything about what I’d done and probably will do. Or I could continue to tell her half-truths and sneak behind her back.
I pondered. I could tell her, I really could, and she would probably understand. But that chance that she wouldn’t, that she would kick me out and that it would destroy our friendship. That’s what kept mouth shut, I didn’t want to lose Scarlett, she was far too important.
She stared at me, waiting for an answer or if she would even get one.
It was tearing me up inside, it really was. I was weighting hundreds of pros and cons, imagining thousands of possible outcomes, wondering what could happen.
“Are you going to tell me?’ Scarlett asked in a normal tone, she had calmed down in the time I was contemplating.
“I want to.” I responded truthfully.
“But will you?”
“Will you still look at me the same? Will you wake up in the morning and feel safe when I’m sleeping only a room away from you? Will you still even want to live with me? Will you ever feel safe in this city again?”
“What do you mean? How could I ever not feel safe with you?”
I sighed, I would have to tell her now, she would never give up asking about it. I had to, but I didn’t want to. This was a life-changing moment that I didn’t think either of us were ready for, but it was going to happen, there was no going back now.
I took a breath and then let my secret out, “I am Nightmare.”